Editing Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter4 (section)

===Part 3===

As he held the status of a slave in this situation, he was placed in the same anteroom as the other sword slaves, but he being an Imperial Guard, was placed in a narrow, but specially prepared room and of course, his feet were also free of chains.
*I was confused because the first half makes it sound like he’s with the other slaves, but the second half puts him in his own room.  Also this sentence has a lot of segments; depending on the meaning after clarification, it might be better to split off some of it.  One possible revision might be just splitting off “And of course, his” as its own sentence.
:*I'll provide a minor description to elaborate on the translation first. The sentence meant the slaves were all places into the same 'holding room', and within this room, a specialized compartmentalized 'room/cell' was prepared for Orba. Modifying the sentence to: "As he held the status of a slave in this tournament, he was placed in the same anteroom as the other slaves, but his being an Imperial Guard placed him in a narrow, but specially prepared room. Of course, his feet were also free of chains."  
::*Sounds good to me.

And yet to be seen amongst them was Orba’s match, whose turn soon to follow suit.
*I’m pretty sure it needs something added in the second half.  I think “whose turn was soon to” might fix it, but this isn’t a sentence style/structure I’m very confident with.
:*It's not a sentence restructure. I just tend to skip over a word pretty often when I'm typing(Thinking faster than i can type lol). 'Was' was in fact the word I omitted in this instance.

Somewhat intrigued, he asked for her name, and received ‘Mira’ as her reply. And in doing so, she fidgeted around, as if there was something she wanted to say.
*In the second sentence, I suggest changing to “And while doing so”, “And after doing so” (depending on intent), or changing it entirely based on the topic of the next bullet point.
*Also, there’s a little be of mismatch in that Orba is the one performing the action in the first sentence (“[Orba] received ‘Mira’ as her reply”), but the ‘And in doing so’ is transition that would be more suited if Mira had been the active one in the previous sentence.  Keeping that transition, I would suggest changing to “name, and she gave ‘Mira’ as her reply”.  Or keeping the first sentence as is, a less specific transition could be “And after that, she fidgeted…”
:*Following the first suggestion(it's a really good one btw).

Early morning, Ineli and the rest had, before Prince Gil, invited him to observe the festival with them.
*Suggest changing the first bit to “Earlier that morning”.  Also, the “before Prince Gil” seemed out of place.  Maybe it was supposed to be something like “had invited him as Prince Gil to observe the festival with them”?  I would also change ‘observe’ to ‘attend’.
:*Changed to "Early morning, Ineli and the rest had appeared before Prince Gil and invited him to observe the festival with them."

With deep black coloured hair and moustache, his height was slightly taller than Orba, though he possessed a massive frame.
*Suggest changing ‘his height’ to ‘he’ (taller works better with people, and to match to ‘Orba’ rather than ‘Orba’s height’ later in the sentence.  Also, if I understand the intent behind using ‘though’, then I suggest adding ‘only’ in “____ was only slightly taller”.
:*CaM for both suggestions.

Orba turned around and saw the back of the bulk man.
*I’m pretty sure this is just a matter of ‘bulk’ to ‘bulky’, but I’m listing it here just to double check.
:*Yea, missed a 'y' here, though you're right that bulk would also work.

Even those in the first row were situated far and high away from Orba, that even his face seemed smaller than a grain of rice, and unable to see him, they crammed the seats full in their zeal to get a better view.
*Suggested change to “were situated '''so high and far away''' from Orba that even his…” (added ‘so’; reversed order because ‘high away’ didn’t sound right).
:*CaM.

And maintain your compose.”
*I think this should be “composure”.
:*Yep. Fixed.

Miguel greeted him without a hint of hesitation. Orba never once replied back to gladiators who greeted him in this way. He stayed silent this time coming as well.
*Last sentence: Suggest removing ‘coming’.
:*CaM.

However, that was a feint, and he had only stamped out his forefeet.
*I forefeet seemed strange (plural?).  Suggesting “stamped out with his forefoot.”
:*Oops. CaM.

Miguel’s attack, disguised as a feint, had finally reached his mask. // The crowd gasped in amazement and at how in that instant, Orba was even closer to Pashir. It was not that the sword had reached it so much as Orba stepping in, resulting in the tip of the sword thrusting itself against the mask into a forceful halt.
*I was confused in the last sentence.  The wording made it sound like the sword was stopped by colliding with Orba’s mask.  But stopping a full sword blow with a mask seems like it would hurt a lot (in theory a helmet is supposed to do that, but I think even a grazing blow to a helmet would still likely disorientate the defender).
:*Usually, yes. But I believe Orba stepped in before Miguel could employ his full strength, thus stopping the blow and absorbing it while it was premature. 

What Baton found most displeasing was how her eyes moistened and her cheeks dyed red. He suspected it did not result from a carnal fervour. And in fact, Ineli was unusually worked up.
*The ‘and in fact’ implies that Baton was correct in suspecting that it was not a carnal fervour.  But if it’s not sexual desire, then what exactly is her state supposed to be (what does ‘unusually worked up’ mean)? In the following paragraphs, the word choice of “pleasurable feeling” and “pleasant sensation” implied a sexual context to me.  I might try to suggest alternative phrasing for those if I understood what her mentality is supposed to be a little better.
:*Er, I think you understood carnal fervour wrong(or I just chose the wrong words here). Carnal fervour is supposed to mean 'a strong desire to see bloodshed'. I suppose it could use some rewording.
::*OK, I guess carnal can just mean bodily, but it very often refers to bodily in the sexual sense.  'desire for bloodshed' or similar seems better to me.
:::*I meant to use carnal to refer to an 'insatiable appetite(for blood)' and was unaware that it was commonly used to refer to sexual activities. Thus, I propose two alternatives: 1) 'carnal fervour for blood' for clarification, or 2) 'murderous frenzy'. If you think either works, I'll go with 'desire for bloodshed' but I personally think it looks ugly.
::::*1 or 2 seem fine to me.  The association of 'carnal' to it's sexual meaning is so strong for me that I probably wouldn't use it unless I wanted at least some of that association, but saying "for blood" should make it clear enough that it's perfectly fine.  Also, I'm not sure it would fit here, but "bloodlust" is a pretty common phrase (1 and 2 are still fine).

He had not spared her a single glance and left her there when he saved her from the dragon, and to add insult, he offered his hand to that foreign princess of all things, when she was one step away from striking her a blow that would humiliate her beyond redemption.
*Suggested revision to (multiple changes): He had not spared her a single glance and left her there when he saved her from the dragon. And to add further insult, he offered his hand to that foreign princess of all things, just when Ineli had been only one step away from striking her a blow that would humiliate her beyond redemption.
:*CaM

He was pit against the golden haired animal, supposedly transported over from the eastern lands, of which his name took after, the tiger, and then crossed swords against gladiators in a two for one.
*I think “'''a''' golden haired anim<strike>e</strike>al” and “'''a''' tiger” would be more appropriate than ‘the’.  Also, I didn’t understand what a “two for one” is.  Is it a “two versus one”?
:*Lol. Anime. CaM. And yes, a 'two for one' is a 'two versus one'
::*Shhh... The 'al' key is right next to the 'e' key on my keyboard; it's a custom one.
:::*How interesting...ly suspicious. If you don't mind me asking, what was it that made you want to customize your keyboard? It seems like a pain to relearn all the keys' positions.
::::*Um...Umm... I have to type 'al' alot in work, so I got rid of my 'w' key. Who likes 'w' anyways.

Orba did not return to the palace this night and requested the supervisor of the camp to sleep in the same room as the slaves.
*Suggested change to “and asked the supervisor of the camp”.
:*CaM.

Orba glimpsed at Pashir who was seated opposite him. He was once again looking in Orba’s direction. Once their eyes met, he would immediately raise his empty cup into the air. Mira rushed over in a trot carrying a vase and poured water into the cup.
*I thought the use of ‘would’ in the third sentence is a little strange.  It implies that he raised his cup multiple times whenever their eyes met.  However, in that case, the last sentence with Mira’s follow up action should also use ‘would’.
:*Revised to "...into the air and Mira would rush over in a trot..."