Editing NouCome: Volume 1 Chapter 3 (section)

===Part 5===

“...Sigh.”

I halted my footsteps right outside my own house, It seems that I’ve been sighing quite a lot these few days.

I was planning to apologize to Yawakaze after school, but sadly I was deterred by her bodyguards. It seems that they’ve placed their full attention on me after those two incidents.

Yuuouji said that she would think of a plan by tonight, but to be honest I wasn’t looking forward to it at all, considering the lack of resources I had at hand.

As for what kind of resources would come in handy for peeking at panties, please don’t ask.

“Oh, Kanade-san, welcome home.”

I pushed open the door to my house weakly only to see Chocolat skip merrily towards me.

“Hmm? Why do you seem so down today?”

“Let’s just say the circumstances of my mission have become rather messed up.”

Chocolat suddenly sneered as she heard this,

“Hehe~ let me tell you something, I managed to get something extremely useful for you today.”

She handed me a book. She couldn’t be referring to that 「Ten Secrets of Peeking at Women’s Panties」...right?

「Ten Surefire Methods to Acquire Women’s Panties~ You Too Can Be the Next King of Perverts!~」

“This is even worse!”

T-the title says acquire, you heard me? Acquire! Also, the subtitle’s just being an asshole.

Even someone without a brain would be able to tell that the contents would be just as bad as last time’s...

“It took me a really long time to find this!”

However when faced with Chocolat’s bushy, waggling tail as well as her expression that seemed to be saying “Please praise me!”, I just couldn’t bring myself to reject her.

“Fine, I’ll take a look or two.”

“Here you go!”

Followed by Chocolat whose eyes were glittering in excitement, I walked over to the couch in the living room and flipped the book open.

This incredibly thick book somehow had a content summary page, so I started there.

「① Steal.」

Why are they using such drastic measures right off the bat!?

「Explanation: This should only be used as a last resort.」

Then don’t put it at the front of the book! And don’t encourage illegal activities!

「② Tears.」

What’s this supposed to mean, do I have to cry while begging the other party to give me her panties or something...? Nah, too strange...probably not.

「Explanation: An example would go something like “Sob...cry...p-please, just give me...your panties...already...huh? You don’t want to? ...Sob...don’t! Don’t...stop delaying it already...g-give them to me...sob...give...me...”」

Don’t you know what the word “Dignity” means!?

「Footnote: Your passionate tears will definitely touch her heart.」

That won’t happen even if the sun rises in the west!

「③ Use “I left my underwear at home, so could you lend me yours?” as an excuse.」

Why is the tone this casual!?

「Explanation: Try and smile the brightest smile you can while trying this, as it’ll probably increase your chances of success.」

That’ll just make it seem even more disgusting!

「Footnote: You can always pray that she’s wearing white panties and that she would say something like “Oh, what a coincidence. Now I just have to lend them to you!”」

What normal, sane girl would do that!?

「④ Syllogism.」

Syllogism? I think I heard about that somewhere before.

I remember it was some logical argument that relied on making a conclusion from two other established and co-related facts, something along the lines of “Humans are mortal” -> “I am a human” -> “Therefore I am mortal”.

「Explanation: Something like “All males like women’s panties.” -> “I’m a male, and you’re a woman.” -> “Therefore you must give me your panties.”」

That’s the worst logic I’ve ever heard!

「⑤ Use the Three-Step Process of acquiring panties.」

Three-Step Process? That seems new,

「Explanation: Pull up her skirt -> Rip off her panties -> Profit.」

That’s just a description of a crime!

「Footnote: I suddenly thought up a concept of a goblin that steals panties, so I wrote it out here.」

Keep those things to yourself!

「⑥ Go to those kind of shops to buy them.」

Slow down a little, this may be the fastest method, but it doesn’t seem right...

「Explanation: Money may not be able to buy happiness, but it can buy used panties.」

That sentence seems deeper than it should be...

「Footnote: But used panties can bring some people happiness...what exactly is happiness?」

Don’t ask me!

「⑦ Raise your fists in the air and shot “I want a girl’s panties!”」

This was...what Oolong did, right? (TL note: This is a reference to a supporting character in Dragon Ball, Oolong, whose first wish to Shenrong was a pair of female panties.)

「Explanation: This will only end in tragedy if Shenrong’s not around.」

Which basically means it’ll always end in tragedy!

「⑧ It’s just a pair of panties, there’s nothing to be ashamed of!」

I bet you just wanted to write this for the hell of it!

「Explanation: Sorry, i just put this one in for fun.」

I knew it!

「⑨ Join Underwear-ism.」

Now what the hell is that...

「Explanation: When attending any one of their meetings, members are only permitted to wear a single piece of underwear.」

If this thing really exists it must be some sort of paradise for males.

「Footnote: Only males are allowed to join.」

Ugh!

「⑩ Steal.」

Now we’re back to square one!?

「Explanation: I...uh, really can’t think of a tenth one.」

Then don’t write the book in the first place!

「Footnote: Never mind, since you’ve read this far, I’m sure you’ll be able to think of even more ways to acquire women’s panties.」

Bullshit, you just couldn’t think of another way!

「Good luck!」

Shut up!

“Bullshit...this is complete bullshit.”

I had already mentally prepared myself for the worst, but I didn’t expect it to be this bad.

“Hmm, was it that bad? The insider reports on Underwear-ism were pretty interesting.”

“Bleh...I bet you just like it because you’re a fujoshi.” (TL note: Fujoshi refers to a female that likes yaoi, commonly referred to as boy’s love: BL.)

“Also, this book actually has ninety percent of it covering that topic.”

“Which basically means the title is complete crap!”

Needless to say, this must be UOG’s fault. It may not have been directly penned by Yuuouji, but anyone seeing this would definitely have their impressions of her take a huge hit.

“Kanade-san, here.”

Chocolat suddenly stretched her head towards me...does she want me to pet it?

“Hehe.”

I’ll do just that then. Chocolat’s tail shot up straight while her head was being stroked, and she began smiling from ear to ear.

Alright, since she bought this book for my sake anyway, if this makes her happy I won’t be stingy about it. To be honest, she’s still pretty cute this way.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m referring to the kind of cute as in how a master would call his pet cute -

“What are you doing this time?”

Chocolat suddenly put her hands on her hips and puffed up her chest.

“Here, praise me more.”

Didn’t I just pet you?

“What’s that, you don’t need to be shy, OK? Here, use all the praises you know and shower me with them...ah, unless you’re dwarfed by the sheer extent of my greatness? Hmm, then use material things to reward me instead. Right, tonight I intend on eating Wagyu beef -” (TL note: Wagyu beef is a type of premier Japanese beef.)

“Oi, don’t go too far.”

I flicked her forehead lightly.

“Ow! K-Kanade-san’s bullying me...”

Her tail sagged flatly. How does that thing even work?

“Ah, Kanade-san, earlier you said that you bumped into some difficulties. So you met Yawakaze-san already?”

Chocolat transitioned from being at the verge of tears to smiling once again in a mere ten seconds, once again displaying her ability to undergo extreme mood swings.

“You could say that...”

In order to change the subject from all that praising, I told Chocolat about everything that had happened.

“I see. To think that they actually took notice of Kanade-san’s butt, there must be some really strong ones over in her fan club.”

Although she did end up placing her attention on what was arguably the most unimportant detail of the whole story, that once again piqued my curiosity on the guy’s sexuality.

“Speaking of which, Yawakaze’s just too innocent, so I kinda feel bad for having to drag her into things like this.”

“Hmm, I see. Fine, in order to minimize your potential guilt, I’ll rehearse with you for a while.”

“Wait, why?”

I didn’t know what to think of that proposition.

“There aren’t that many people around that are more innocent than me. Here, I’ll chat with you, anything to make you happy!:

I get it, this little puppy doesn’t have any shred of self-awareness. I’ll just use this opportunity to point that out.

“Chocolat, I’m going to tell you something very important - innocence may be similar to airheaded-ness at first glance, but they’re actually very far apart.”

“Hmm? So that Yawakaze-san’s an airhead?”

“I’m referring to you!”

“H-huh?”

“Don’t you ‘Huh?’ me!”

“Oh, I get it. So your eyes are just useless holes.”

“Your BRAIN is a useless hole!”