Editing Talk:IS:Volume4 Chapter1 (section)

== Translation Change Reasons ==

(At first, I made each change separate and gave reasons to the changes in the change description input field to make it easier for [[User:Kira0802|Kira0802]] to undo any changes that he doesn't like, but I was asked by [[User:Larethian|Larethian]] to combine those changes to not flood the recent changes page, and to state the reasoning for the changes here, so I'm complying to that request.)

'''May 9th Change (@ 21:07 UTC)''' ''(Page 14 & 15 from original novel.)''

"Checking on myself," was changed to "Suddenly bothered by such a thing," (original text: 「急にそんなことが気になってしまって、」), and changed "got" to "took" to make it sound more natural.

Changed "that... the weather is hot, so I can't help sweating. Yes," to "that, because of the hear, I can't help but sweat a bit. ––Yes," (original text: 「、この暑さなんだから、別にちょっとくらい汗をかいてても仕方ないわよね。––うん、」)

Changed "Ichika's face turned this way." to "Without hesitation, Ichika brought his face near me." The addition of the adverb aside, Ichika is the subject and his face is the object in this sentence, instead of Ichika's face being the subject; also, the verb used means to bring near, as opposed to turn.

Changed "I got away by reflex" to "I reflexively force that face away." Aside from bringing the adverb to the front after "I" to match word order, the verb used is a transitive verb meaning to force back (in this case, pushing back  "that face"), and not the intransitive verb of backing away.

Changed "Ah, it's nothing, just thinking it would be better if you talk to somebody. One person alone can't solve anything." to "Ah, nothing in particular. Well, it's that, if you can consult with someone, do it as much as possible. If you take it upon yourself alone, nothing good will become of it." (original text: 「いや、別に。まあ、あれだ。誰かに相談できるなら、なるべくそうしろよ。一人で抱え込むとロクなことにならねえぞ」) I did quite a bit of change to this paragraph, but I think that this is not only more accurate, but also flows very nicely.

"Not good...my heart's beating very fast. Why?! Stupid, how many days did I waste working while growing up, and now as an IS pilot, there are both good and bad things (TL: didn't know how to translate that part), and...now I finally got a feeling that there's a pattern." <br />Since the translator wasn't sure how to translate this line, I did quite a few changes to it, and changed it to "Ah, not good...... My heart is beating very fast. What, idiot. My height has alas grown over a long period of time, I've become an IS pilot, and moreover...... I'm improving my manners and whatnot......" (original text: 「う、やばい......。ドキドキする。なによ、バカ。しばらくぶりにあったら背は伸びてるし、IS操縦者になんかなってるし、それに......なんか格好良くなってるしさあ......。」)

Changed "As I was thinking about these things, Ichika was staring at my face again." to "As I was thinking about those things, Ichika once again began to stare at my face like someone that has been silenced." Just rephrased some stuff and added a translation to the previously omitted part of the sentence.

Changed "I even thought of taking a walk to get rid of this feeling, butI didn't want Ichika to see me like this, so I just stood there, shaking continuously." to "I wanted to wriggle my legs about, but I didn't want to be seen moving like that by Ichika, so in the end I shook my body restlessly." (original text: 「ばたばたと足を動かしてもがきたいけれど、そんな動きを一夏に見られたくはなくて、結局あたしはもぞもぞと小さく体を揺すった。」) [[User:Perfect Chaos|Perfect Chaos]] 21:07, 9 May 2011 (UTC)


'''May 10th Change (@ 10:49 UTC)''' ''(Page 16 from original novel.)''

Changed "inadvertently gazed at the books" to "noticed a book that was placed" for a few reasons:<br />1) It doesn't really say anything about inadvertently looking at anything, but just to notice it.<br />2) Added the subordinate clause of "that was placed"<br />3) The subject matter is only one book, as it's the photo album that Ichika has.<br />Also checked the following sentence to match the singularity of the noun, as well as reworded the sentence.

Changed "Do you still have that commemorative photo album?" to "Ahh, you still keep commemorative photos?".  Ling is not asking whether he still has a specific album (which makes even less sense considering that there's only one album), but that he's still continuing to keep photos of past memories.

The paragraph after the aforementioned one was more or less completely changed (except for the last sentence, which was only slightly edited) due to being significantly off in translation. (As for the note from the previous translation asking about why it says that it was because Chifuyu wasn't home, this fact gets brought to light later through context.  Ichika's keeping the memories in her place while she's away. The album itself is not about "those years Chifuyu-nee wasn't at home", but that mistranslation has been fixed, anyway.)

Changed "I still remember a bit." to "I do somehow or another." to be more literal.

Changed "It's not just 'a bit' I remeber, it's everything. " to "It wasn't "somehow or another". I firmly remember it." to match the rewording of the aforementioned line, as well as made the sentence sentence more accurate.

The following paragraph was reworded to, hopefully, be more accurate and clear. (And to answer the noted question, Ling uses "san", so that has been fixed as well.)

Changed "Hmm, it should be as you said. The photos of the two of us should be the most important. She already said that we should remember who we were with in the past well. ---Here, wheat tea. It's already been frozen." to "Hm, well. Perhaps, photos that weren't just of the two of us were essential. She already said that we should properly remember those who were with us in the past. ––Here, it's tea. It has been cooled." The first two sentences was changed quite a bit. The 2nd sentence was the exact opposite of the real meaning (original text: 「俺とふたりだけじゃない写真が重要」); it was photos that included someone else besides the Orimura sibblings that were essential, since, as the following sentence states, it's important to remember those people that have existed near them. This sentence, as well as remaining sentences in the paragraph, have been slightly reworded.

Changed "I drank the wheat tea which I received, and as if it's nothing, I check the condition of my uniform's wallet." to "As I drank the barley tea that I received, I casually check my wallet from the surface of my uniform." The original translation made it seem like she drank and finished the tea before checking her wallet, so I reworded it to make to sound like she's checking her wallet while she drinks the tea. Also, the adverb さりげなく can be perfectly translated as "casually", so there's no need for the wordy "as if it's nothing" phrase. The last bit also makes it sound like she's checking how much money she has, which isn't the case. Also, it's not really the "uniform's wallet" as if the uniform has it's own wallet, but that she's feeling for it by feeling the surface of her uniform's pocket for the bulge of the wallet. (original text: 「受け取った麦茶を飲みながら、あたしはさりげなく制服の上からサイフを確かめる」)

Changed "Hey, could you let me see it?" to "Can I see this?" (original text: 「これ、見ていい？」) これ isn't used as a form to drawing attention, but to signifying what she wants to see (probably by pointing to it as she says "this").

(I also looked a bit ahead and confirmed that it is indeed "Chifuyu-san" on Page 17.  I'll probably look over Page 17 within the next day.) [[User:Perfect Chaos|Perfect Chaos]] 10:49, 10 May 2011 (UTC)