Editing Kämpfer:Volume 2 Chapter 2 (section)

===The Interview===

The next class is Chinese, taught by the teacher who said, "I'm going to buy a game" and then disappeared. I haven't seen her since she returned, so I wonder if she managed to buy the game.

The teacher is now writing on the blackboard with a single hand, looking annoyed.

"...What's the feeling of the husband who watched his wife leave? Does anyone want to answer?"

The teacher finished, and the whole class lowered their heads in unison. I was the only one staring at the blackboard like an idiot.

The teacher smiled.

"Oh, you're so slow. Then, Natsuru, you answer it."

Oh, you actually added a small character before my name? You're a teacher, is that really okay?

The female teacher crossed her arms over her chest, looking insolent. What on earth is this guy thinking?

"If you can't answer, you'll definitely fail the next exam."

"Huh?"

"You can ask me to give you some slack, but the price is that you have to give me something first. Specifically, a bribe."

"That's...that's too much!"

Is this a teacher? There's no such thing as a homeroom teacher asking students for money.

"I'm really broke. After buying the games and the alcohol, my wallet is completely empty. Don't you think the alcohol tax in this country is really too high?"

How would I know, since I've never drunk alcohol?

Voices like "Your movements are really slow" and "You're such an amateur" started coming from nearby tables. Amateurs are amateurs, but I can't pay this.

"Teacher..."

"Have you figured it out?"

"No, I want to answer the questions."

"If you answer wrong, you'll be fined."

What are you thinking?

"If you don't want to pay, you have to tell me a secret."

"What...?"

"Experiences of being dumped by boys, abandoned by boys, bullied by boys, and things like that. I want to hear something like that that can be used as a snack for a whole week."

There is no such thing —although I want to say that, but in fact there is one. It's not about being dumped by boys, but about Kämpfer. But I don't have any other secrets. This is really too bad.

"What's the matter? If you don't tell me quickly, you will fail."

The teacher looked like she had won the exam.

"...Uh."

If I tell it here, I will be doomed. Not only will I be treated as a pervert, but also as a criminal. Why do I have to encounter such tragic things? I don't know what that idiot Shizuku was thinking. Why did she assign me to Class 4, Grade 2? Hey!

"It's okay if you don't want to talk about it."

"...?"

"Sit down."

Oh, she's a teacher, as expected. She wouldn't push students into a corner. I thought she was just a terrible teacher who loved drinking and playing games, but it seems I misunderstood her. She must have been lying about failing.

"I've entrusted Senou Natsuru's secret to someone else."

Our homeroom teacher, the Chinese language teacher, suddenly flung open the classroom door.

"Hello everyone —I'm from the news agency —!"

Masumi Nishino appeared with a beaming smile.

This class is truly a nightmare.

Masumi Nishino took me out. Isn't it class time? What's going on? This girl acted as if it was all natural. My classmates also waved to her. Our homeroom teacher slipped something into her pocket —probably some bribe money.

She took me to the news club. I'd thought Masumi Nishino was joking, but it seemed she was from the club.

"...Why...the news club?"

"I'm in every club, about twenty."

Are you a test-taking freak?

I was forced to sit on a chair. I'd used the former Men's Film Research Club's office before, and that classroom felt shabby. But the Women's News Club was really nice, and they seemed wealthy. Their equipment was all high-end. That camera on the floor in the corner must be a Nikon F, right? It's expensive.

Masumi Nishino looked very happy, staring at me.

"Then let's start the interview —"

It wasn't "holding" but "interview." I just realized it now.

"Now we begin the big tracking of returning students. I will tell you about their private lives shrouded in mystery through interviews. This news will be published in the next issue of the report. Please look forward to it."

I'm not looking forward to it at all. What on earth do you want to report about me? Not only does it infringe on my personal privacy, but even the title seems to be fabricated. The scary thing is that Masumi Nishino doesn't seem to have any hesitation about what she has done. Are you a devil?

"Then I'll ask you directly, does Natsuru have any secrets that cannot be told?"

How could I possibly tell you something like that? Yes, there are some, but once they are said, they are no longer secrets.

"Are you thinking that if you tell me, it won't be a secret anymore?"

Are you a psychic?

Masumi Nishino smiled, or should I say, smirked, an expression an interviewer shouldn't have. It felt like she was plotting something, all written on her face.

"...No..."

Anyway, I'll just deny it for now. If I tell the truth to someone like that, I'll be screwed.

"When did you go back to school?"

"Today."

"Huh? Didn't we meet before? You were clearly in school then, too. Why did you say you were back today?"

"..."

This woman was quick to think about strange things.

Masumi Nishino was telling the truth. It was true that I wasn't even enrolled in the girls' department back then. I had always intended to be a boy. No, even now, I haven't forgotten my manly side.

"Why did that Senou-san drop out of school?"

"...sick."

"What's wrong with her —?"

"A lot."

That's all I could say. I hadn't even considered the name of the illness. Shizuku hadn't even prepared for something like that.

"At least tell me the name —if you don't, I'll just make something up."

I was sweating. Something that wasn't there wasn't there. Masumi Nishino exuded the same aura as Higashida. It would be troublesome to have such a contrived enemy, but it also seemed strange to have them as companions.

"Cancer…it's not that."

I had no choice but to make up a bunch of nonsense.

"It's not hepatitis…it's not dysentery…it's not cholera…it's not diabetes…it's not pneumonia…I don't have a cold either."

What on earth could this be? Even I was wondering about myself. Even if I denied every possible illness, it would be meaningless. But to add, it's true that I didn't have a cold. For some reason, my health has been fantastic these past few years.

"Nothing at all —then I have a more personal question."

She seemed to have no concept of respecting other people's privacy.

"What are Natsuru's hobbies?"

I don't have any. If I had to, it would probably be watching comedy shows, or TV.

"Do you have a doll?"

"Yes..."

A talking doll.

"Ah—could it be the Entrails Animals<ref>Japanese: 内臓動物. A fictional line of grotesque plush toys with exposed internal organs.</ref> series? That's weird and disgusting, not something a girl would buy —"

"..."

"What's with the Seppuku? You really have bad taste! Anyone who wants something like that must be mentally ill!"

It's not something I want, so I said that, but I wondered if this guy would believe it.

I agree with her on some points about the Entrails Animals, mostly, actually.

But my pride wouldn't allow me to criticize a series that Sakura Kaede likes, even though it's really disgusting.

Masumi Nishino keeps fiddling with her pencil. Don't you have a recorder? Even when journalists were forbidden from taking notes, they'd still keep a sharpened pencil and notebook in their pockets, their hands moving furtively inside. Are you imitating that now?

"Then I'll ask the next question."

Why don't you just wrap up?

"Are you dating someone right now —?"

No way!

You're asking about "who you're dating" right off the bat. Shouldn't a first interview start with questions like "What's your preferred type?" Are you deliberately trying to make me, the interviewee, nervous?

No, no, that's not right. This person was just asking out of pure curiosity. The proof was that she looked genuinely amused, staring at me with the eyes of a kindergartener who didn't know what evil was.

"So what's going on?"

Her eyes sparkled.

"...No,"

I said coldly. It's true I'm not dating anyone. I do have someone I like, but explaining that is just too much trouble.

"Have you ever been confessed to?"

"..."

Yes, but I couldn't answer her honestly; it would be a matter of reputation for all sorts of reasons.

"So that's how it is —"

Masumi Nishino laughed boldly. This person probably knew something.

"Natsuru-san is really hot —girls should like your type, right? Have you ever had a girl confess to you?"

"..."

Sweat was pouring down my back.

I don't know why this woman is so confident. Besides Akane, Shizuku, and the dolls, no one else knows about my relationship with Sakura Kaede, but what's with her attitude now?

She's just being vain, I guess. Deceiving yourself first —that's the ultimate deception tactic.

"What's going on?"

"...What did you say?"

"Someone said they saw Natsuru walking with a girl."

What did you say? Just as I was about to say that, it suddenly occurred to me that she was lying. There was no way anyone could have seen me and Sakura Kaede walking together. Thinking about it, it was only natural for me, now a girl, to be with a girl. She was probably just testing me.

"That girl seems to be a sophomore."

She was trying to scare me, and this one must be the same.

"Natsuru is also a sophomore, right? If the class knew, what do you think would happen?"

It would be terrible. The class president, vice-class president, and the accountant were all so ruthless. If they caught me vulnerable, even the homeroom teacher would probably blackmail me. As for my companions, there was only Akane in her effeminate mode.

My fate is easy to imagine. It's wiser not to chatter non-stop at a time like this.

"...I'm not dating anyone."

"Eh—you have such a charming voice, you must be popular —"

"I'm saying no."

"So—the news agency is planning a lesbian special, you have to help me —"

It's still news, but this guy's probably doing gossip.

And what's with the lesbian special? What's she planning? And why would she ask me for help? It's so strange! If the mysterious returning student special and the lesbian special were published together, wouldn't I be instantly famous?

"There's a lesbian trend going on in Iron Star Academy High Schoolright now —you could call it yuri<ref>Japanese term for content focusing on romantic relationships between women.</ref>:, too. Pretty girls doing perverted things is really popular."

"...Trend?"

"It's a trend started by the news agency. We're planning to run ten special features on yuri-style schoolgirls, and we're also planning to run a second feature on the mysterious returning student, Natsuru."

You're basically making this up! What a ridiculously fake story.

No matter what, this must not be published in the school newspaper. If it were, and Kämpfer's secrets were discovered, it would be disastrous. The punishment... I've never heard of such a thing, but if Superman Parmen were discovered, he'd be turned in to an idiot. Anything could happen, including being forced to buy a ton of Entrails Animals.

Besides, it would be terrible if I were mistaken for a homosexual or a yuri. No, Sakura Kaede would probably feel relieved, what's going on?

Masumi Nishino was fiddling with her pencil again.

"It's okay if you don't answer me. I'll just write something random."

"That's not fabrication..."

"Yeah —but if I write it, it becomes true."

Her eyes were still as pure as before, as if she had no doubts about what she was doing.

"Then I'll write about how I'm still recovering from a long illness, but I'm still going back to school with a fever. Do you think that's okay?"

"Not at all!"

How could it be okay? What fever? Do you think you're a gossip magazine?

"I've decided to write about the Natsuru's secret being a yuri, a legendary girl who's been hacking and killing her way through beautiful girls since elementary school."

What hacking and killing? Where does that even come from?

"After entering Iron Star Academy High School, I ate all my juniors, classmates, and seniors without any complaints. The reason I took a leave of absence was because I attacked three office ladies at my company and was hated and stabbed several times, so I lied about being sick."

"..."

I was speechless. Masumi Nishino nodded and took notes. This shouldn't be an interview, just pure writing.

"Is this all right —"

"..."

"Huh? Are you dissatisfied with something?"

It wasn't so much dissatisfaction as it was fear. I had just arrived at the women's department today, and I had unknowingly become a mysterious lesbian. I couldn't help but suspect that this was also Shizuku's conspiracy.

"So that's it."

"Wait... wait a minute."

I called Masumi Nishino, who was about to leave.

"What? You're not hiding anything from me, are you? Don't worry, I'll write it for you."

So that means you made it all up, right? That's not the case.

"...Don't post it."

"Why?"

"No reason."

I pleaded with her, raising my voice as high as I could. It would be the worst possible scenario if they found out I was a boy.

"But I have my own news to write."

"Please."

"Eh—"

Oh, oh, oh, why do I have to give in to such a fake report? It's so strange no matter how you think about it.

"Okay —"

Masumi Nishino thought for a moment.

"If you trade a real secret, Natsuru, I'll promise not to deregister."

"But..."

What kind of woman is this? She'd actually trade something like that.

Seeing my reaction, Masumi Nishino laughed.

"You do have a secret, don't you —"

I'd fallen for her trap, but now wasn't the time to blame myself for being so careless.

"No… no secret…"

"What are you going to do? I can do anything —"

I can't do anything. Agreeing would be hell, refusing would be hell, and leaving it alone would probably be hell too. The result would be the same either way.

"…"

"What are you going to do —?"

"…"

I hope this disaster will be over soon.

"Hmph —you're not going to say anything? —Okay, then I'll add this news item about a high school girl who ate up all the nurses in the hospital while she was there."

This is really too much! I thought Masumi Nishino would lose her patience and give up if I remained silent, but I really underestimated her.

"If you don't want to, just say it."

She suddenly approached me. Although she had a cute face, she now looked like a female guard at an orphanage.

"I don't know."

"…"