Editing City Series:Volume7 Layer 10 (section)

===Record 115: I Doubt You Remember===

'''02/18/1999

'''3:04

The next thing I knew, I was seated on a riverbank. The river had to be Underground Tokyo’s Tama River. The terrain I could see on the ceiling was probably Fuchu.

I shut my eyes, feeling chilled.

It was awful. I regretted it, just like Senpai said I would.

And I had no idea why Senpai had needed to ensure this happened, just like Senpai had wanted.

I had fought in ignorance and was left only with regret afterwards.

All evidence and testimony had vanished along with Senpai. He had protected Babel, the east and the west, and us. But we had lost something so important.

“Is this what it means to be #1? No, I bet it’s always been like this.”

Yes, it always had been. Because I had been defeating all of the people at #3 and below to reach this point. I just hadn’t felt this regret because I had been focused on my goal of becoming #1.

Now that I was #1, I finally didn’t have anything to look ahead to and could look back. That was where I found the regret. So if Senpai had wanted me to feel regret, he must have…

“Wanted me to be #1.”

I thought back. No, the memory came unbidden.

After my fist had blown away Senpai’s worries, he had collapsed. When I ran over to him and propped him up, he smiled at me.

It was the same smile I had once seen in a photograph.

He spoke before I could say anything.

“This is just like that one time. You were about to apologize for stopping me, weren’t you? But I wanted to be stopped and you wanted to stop me, so why apologize?”

He let go of his sword and touched the wound on my cheek.

“It doesn’t have to be now. You have plenty of time. So don’t apologize. And…wield your power.”

His smiling lips spoke my name. Or I thought they did.

Back in the present, where I sat on the riverbank, my lap was covered in white ashes spread from left to right. Those Live cinders were the evidence that something had been here. They were shockingly light when I scooped them up in my hands. This must have been where the worries I got rid of were located.

“I’m sorry.”

Why was he gone all of a sudden?

Why did he have to force this position onto me?

He had always been thinking about us because he cared for us.

I grabbed up the ashes and ate them. I swallowed the ones caked onto the inside of my cheeks and then realized I was breathing heavily. Something warm was dripping from the cheek wound Senpai had given me. A sobbing breath escaped me.

“I’m sorry.”

We were so selfish. Why had we both wanted this for each other?

I ate the white mountain quivering in the air above my hands.

It felt like chewing on paper, but it was flavorless and it melted away in my mouth. So I swallowed it. It passed down my throat like I was gulping down air.

I did it again. I grabbed Senpai with the hand that usually formed a fist.

I bit into him and ate him. My dry mouth couldn’t swallow the ashes without chewing them.

“I’ve been so awful to you.”

I had been jealous, researched his nonhuman species, sympathized with his power, decided we were rivals, and fought him like I was somehow the victim.

“I never gave a thought to how you must feel.”

As #1, had he felt regret for pushing aside #2 and all the rest? There was no way of knowing anymore.

“Could I have found the answer if I had ever caught up to you?”

I couldn’t forget him. I wouldn’t let myself. I couldn’t replace this memory of regret with some whitewashed fake. But I decided to spend some time away. I decided to erase my memories to completely erase all evidence, just like he had wanted.

But I couldn’t let myself forget everything. I needed to find a way of erasing my memories that let me remember it all when the time came that I needed the power of #1 – when this city he had tried to protect was at risk.

Until the time came that I could feel this regret but not feel the need to apologize to him. Because that was what we wanted.

'''Author Comment:

Reaching an understanding is about “digesting” the thoughts you find inside yourself.

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