Editing HanTsuki:Volume 2 Chapter 1

===== 1 =====

Winter is winter all right! The wind blowing in was chilly. Looking up, I saw a bright sky stretching beyond the horizon. Covering my pajamas was a shirt, and covering that was a jacket and a cloak, making my upper body overly heavy, like a roly-poly toy, yet only my pajamas were covering my lower body. Just then, my toes were aching in the chilly cold weather, but now that pain had gradually detached. The frost had crept into my bones, forcing weight on my waist. It should be very painful! 

Should this continue, I would freeze to death for sure.

“I will freeze to death in the hospital’s rooftop!”, I said to myself.

Taking out my watch from the pocket on my shirt, I checked the time: three in the afternoon. A certain level of stamina was needed for the operation, so Rika had been training herself every day recently by strolling in the hospital. The rooftop was the returning point on her track, so, according to the statistics garnered in these past few days, she would come here at around several minutes after three. Her earliest record was 3:01, recorded three days ago. Her latest record was 3:15, recorded yesterday. I want to be earlier and prepare myself at the rooftop before three, but perhaps I was in too much of a hurry and I had arrived at the rooftop at half past two, so I had to be blown by the chilly wind for a total of thirty minutes.

The chilliness...the gloominess...the pain...I had reached my limits. I couldn’t return now. It had spewed a lot of guts to come here.

“Rika, come here quicker!”

I inhaled with my nose. I was starting to feel that it might be better if she wouldn’t come. Seeing Rika would make me afraid. This simple thought would scare my body, forcing it to crouch. Rika was a bit too ruthless this week. After my collection was found, I rushed to Rika’s ward. I could do anything to get forgiven, even if I had to kneel down and beg her. 

I lightly knocked the door.

“Who’s there?”it was Rika’s voice.

“It’s me.”

Silence.

“Ri-Rika, can I come in?”

Silence.

“Please hear me explain.”

Silence.

At this moment, hope sprang from my heart. Her silence meant approval for me to enter and explain. If willing to hear me explain, she might be also willing to forgive me. There had to be some bit of inclination to forgive me.

Right! I had made up my mind, which was completely filled with my own, selfish thoughts. I laid my hands on the knob. I should have noticed...that when the door was slightly opened and heavier than usual. Still, I entered Rika’s room.

“Rika, I’m sorr...”

I stopped.

Bang! Followed this sound...

It was after the event that I came to know that Rika had placed on the slightly opened door a thick Japanese dictionary, measuring 25 centimetres length, 18 centimetres width, and 7 centimetres thickness. When I opened the door, the dictionary fell down, its corner striking my head. 

I could see stars.

And holding m head in desperation, I cried, “Ah! Ah! Ah!” rolling on the ground. Without any sympathy, Rika pushed me out of the door. I stood outside the door for a total five minutes. In these five minutes, probably over twenty patients and nurses passing by laughed at me. 

The second challenge was the day following that. I had to notice for anything on top of the door this time, but there seemed to be nothing there, so it should be fine. Placing my hand on the knob, I opened the door and walked into Rika’s ward.

“Rika, I’m sorr...”

I stopped again.

Thump! Following this sound...

It was an extremely classical method: a string was attached on the lower section of the door; thus, when the door was opened, the string would be straightened. Tripped, I fell down straight, my face slamming on the floor, my nose hit. Headaches first came, and then my nose felt hot and puffy. Holding my nose, my fingers felt something lukewarm streaming through them...it was blood from my nose.

“Ah, my nose is bleeding,” I said, honestly, for this might be an opportunity. Even if it was Rika, she might feel sorry for seeing me bleed. She might feel she had been doing it a bit too much and run to my side, saying, perhaps, some gentle words. The blood from my nose might compensate for my collection.

Rika Looking at me, who was harbouring evil hopes, with considerable contempt. With a carefree fashion, she still pushed me, who was crying absurdly in pain, rolling around on the floor, and panic-stricken by fresh blood, outside the door, prohibiting me from explaining myself.

Were there any comforting words? No!

Was there an apology? OF course not as well.

“Don’t come ever again, you idiot!”

She spurned me!

Bearing the pain and the torture induced from desperation,  I gazed at the ceiling blankly, happening to know that my nose had stopped bleeding.

The patterns on the ceiling seemed to be melting down.
I kicked away the thought of entering Rika’s room again. My body might not hold it anymore. Should I be less careless, the next thing falling down might be a dripping frame. No, a dripping frame was still fine, but I wouldn’t say so sure about other dangerous flying things, as there were lethal weapons everywhere in the hospital.

So I could only resort to ambush.

“So...cold...” 

It was Rika all right—how obstinate.

During this week, we had neither a good talk nor a good meeting. For me, I didn’t care about the details. I could forget trivial stuff after two to three days. But Rika was completely the opposite. Girls probably act this way.

While I was in my thoughts, the door was opened by a creaking sound. My heart was about to jump out. The metal door was opened gradually. I could see a set of small, think hands through the crevice of the door.

It was Rika. 

Holding my breath, I began to organise what I wanted to say in my mind.

“Rika, I’m sorry,” I exclaimed, kneeling down, “it’s all my fault.”

My head rubbed around the dirty cement, trying my best to repeatedly apologise no matter what until Rika would forgive me.

What? Was it depressing? I couldn’t care about this.

What? Did I look like less masculine? I couldn’t care about this as well.

I had thrown all of these things high into the azure winter sky. I was willing to do everything for Rika’s forgiveness.

“Fu...”it was Rika’s puffing sound.

Rika was there. Closing my eyes, I couldn’t let this opportunity slip away. Kneeling down, I cried loudly, “Rika, I’m sorry!”

Great, it was the same as my plan. Then, I did my best to say a bunch of words of apology. ‘’Sorry, Rika, it was Sansei who obstinately got it. He is really a helpless idiot. But there was no way. I’m his friend anyway. I can’t reject his request. Friends are very important to me. I hate this too, but there’s really no other way. I know it’s an excuse and that I’m really an idiot. I’m sorry. Rika, please forgive me! I beg you. I’m willing to do everything. Starting from today, I’ll go to the library every day to borrow books you like. I’ll give you a Peter Rabbit Artbook as a present. It’s all my fault. Please forgive me, Rika...’’

I cried until my throat hurt. Then, I lifted my head in a terrified state: Rika was gone. There was not a trace of her anywhere. Standing up, I walked to the door, which was locked tightly. It seemed Rika had turned away and left upon seeing me, and I was apologising to the door all the time.

“Arghh...”

It was depressing. I really wanted to cry. In fact, I didn’t care if it was depressing. I only hope to speak with Rika and see her smile and her swaying, long hair. When Rika was unruly, I only wanted to say ‘yes’ again and again to her requests. I didn’t enjoy being tortured but everything was fine given it could be something pertaining to Rika.

I love Rika. Rika was more important to me than adding everything in the world. Sitting on the cold concrete floor, this shock prevented me from standing up. What if I was hated by Rika forever? I was devastated. If this was really it, my life would end here. There was no hope. What should I do?

Standing up after a long while, I found that thirty minutes had already passed. My body was completely cold. Man, I would have to think of other ways, only for her to forgive me. 

Sucking air through my nostrils, I placed my hand on the knob, turning it, but failing. There seemed to be something stopping it from moving. Oh, no, could it be? I turned it harder, but it still wouldn’t budge. I turned it even harder, but no dice. I kicked! My legs are in pain. I smacked! My hands felt numb. 

It seems locked.

“Oh, no way...”

The chilly wind blew with raging sounds. The sun was heading downhill. Everything on the rooftop melted into their shadows. After another one hour, the sky would turn completely black. The last rays of sunlight on the east side of the sky faded, and a white, crescent moon hung on the pale blue sky, glowing. Lifting my head, I remembered the news broadcasted on seven this morning. The young weather forecast man reminded the viewers that today was the coldest day of the year, and that they should wear warm, thick clothes and big cloaks before going out for a good walk. 

The words ‘freezing to death’ ran in my mind.

How could this be? 

A good walk? A good walk to heaven?

No way!

===== 2 =====

“It’s likely a fever.”

Lying on my bed, I heard Akiko’s voice. She didn’t have to tell me: I knew I was having a fever. My whole body was hot. IF you put a water bottle on my forehead, the water would boil in one minute. All the joints in my body was in great pain, my throat being even in worse pain. Snivel kept flowing out. Sucking with my nose, I said, “What’s the degree?”

“38.7 degrees.” <ref>Celsius</ref>

“What? That can’t be!”

“You should have caught a cold. Let’s leave the inspection for the doctor. It’ll be troubling if it’s hepatitis.” 

I was sent to hospital because of hepatitis. Its symptoms are very similar to a cold, so we couldn’t rashly conclude that it was a cold. If the hepatitis worsened, relevant counteractive measures would be taken, for example: a two-hour drop every day, a check-up in every three days, prohibition from visiting, and even postponement of leaving the hospital.

While swinging the thermometer, Akiko asked me, “Yuiichi, why were you on the rooftop? Is this a new way of suicide? Or do you want to freeze yourself to death on the rooftop to place fault on us?”

“N-No.”

“You’ll really die if this continues.”

She was right. I was ‘saved’ at eleven in the night, having been trapped in the rooftop for a total eight hours. The chilly wind blew, lowering the temperature of the rooftop to somewhere like a fridge. I sat leaning on the water tank, my body curled like a tortoise to act against the cold weather. I was prepared to be frozen to death. Would I die in this place? Would this make Rika guilty? Would she cry for me? These things ran in my mind.

Thanks to the security guard, Edogawa, in his patrol to the rooftop, I was saved. The security guard almost bald, Edogawa, was forty-two years old, married, with two children. When he discovered me...

“Wuaghh!”

He exclaimed dismally like a woman, probably because he saw a spirit. Originally I wanted to stand up, but my body was frozen for a long time, so my pace was slow, my hands unable to lift, hence sticking to the sides of my body. My actions certainly resemble those of a spirit.

“Ahhh!”

Still screaming like a woman, Edogawa rushed down the stairs. Till now I still remember vividly the glow of Edogawa’s baldhead, like a florescent lamp, but this was all I remembered.

When I came back to my senses, I had already been lying on the bed. 

“I was locked up there,” I said, frankly.

Akiko’s brows furrowed.

“Locked? By who? It couldn’t be Rika, could it?”

“Yes, it’s Rika.”

“Why?”

“Because...discovered.”

“Discovered? What is discovered?”

Lying on my bed, I pointed at the stuff under my bed. Dubious, Akiko looked at the place my fingers were pointing at.

Contemplation.

And then she looked under the bed.

Contemplation again.

Laughing sounds erupted, continuing for about seven seconds.

“Discovered! She’s of course infuriated. That’s certain! Haha, so that’s why you’re locked in the rooftop. Hahahaha. My stomach hurts from laughing.”

Holding her abdomen, Akiko broke into endless and unrestrained laughter. I knew she thought it funny, but laughter didn’t suffice, for she also knocked on my bed fanatically.

Deeply wounded, I said, “You don’t have to laugh so crazily...”

“But, but that’s...”

“I almost died.”

“Die!” Akiko exclaimed while cracking up, “Just die, will you?”

“You’re a nurse. What the heck are you saying?” 

Rats! I was in shame, tears at the verge of flowing out.

It was depressing to be neglected by Rika. Everything looked like illusions. Food tasted bad; watching television was boring—I now knew what a gray life was. It was a remorseful to let a girl bear so much hate to you. If this was someone else’s affair, I might be laughing my head out like Akiko. But when this was mine, it was extremely painful. When I began to think that Rika might not be talking with me any longer, I had a rush to cry.

“Wuaghh...”

“Are you crying, Yuuichi?”

“No.”

I sucked with my mose.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I didn’t know it would bother you so much.”

“Enough. Leave me alone!”

“I can’t believe she have discovered it. Girls of her age hated this stuff; making matters worse, Rika had been living in the hospital for most of her life. She must be infuriated. You should bear some responsibility too for hiding this.”

Everything is your fault. Akiko repeated again and again for confirmation. I knew it, so you don’t have to accentuate on that. The question to be asked was how to let Rika forgive me.

I suddenly thought of something: Akiko was a girl as well, the same as Rika, though more mature. She should be clear about this stuff. She might give me constructive suggestions. Although still bothered by how she laughed at me, I knew I had to grasp the last straws. If Akiko could teach me some tricks to let Rika forgive me, I might even kneel down in request.

Cautiously, I asked, “Akiko, what should I do?”

“What should you do?”

“Rika is still angry, unwilling to forgive me. Please tell me what I should do to make her forgive me.”

“There’s no way,” she said briskly.

Everything in front of my eyes turned pitch black.

“How could that be...”

“Girls are cruel. I have a friend whose boyfriend didn’t comply to their promise and kick off the habit of smoking. So she instantly broke up with him and married another man.”

“Tell me it’s not true!” 

“It is! It might look trivial to others but pivotal to an individual. There’s a old song like this...”Akiko started to sing by the whim:

“I want to embrace you tightly

But you’re not by my side

Don’t leave me

For such a thing

I miss you”

Her particularly crisp sound reverberated in my cramped ward, as well as my heart.

“Wuaghh...”

Snivel flowed out profusely.

It was snivel!

“Yuuichi, don’t cry if you’re a man. Oh, if you’re that troubled, I can introduce you to another adorable girl. Rika’s not the only girl in the world anyway.”

“Wuaghhh...”

To me, Rika was the only girl in the world. I didn’t want other girls.

Looking at my incessant flowing of snivel, Akiko shook her head because there wasn’t a better offer she could provide.

“Looks like you contracted a serious illness.”

“A serious illness?”

I suddenly heard another voice. Lifting my head up, I saw a man standing at the door of the ward. He looked like a university student, though, with further inspection, he looked older, around thirty. His hair was tousled, his beard unshaved, his clothes ruffled. He looked like unhygienic.

“Didn’t I say it’s a cold?”

Akiko said in panic, “Ah, Doctor Natsume, I’m joking about the serious illness...”

Doctor Natsume? Who’s that?

Noticing my surprise, Akiko explained to me, “Don’t you know him? He’s a surgery doctor, Doctor Natsume. When you entered the hospital, he had a long holiday. So you’re returning to your work today, right?”

“Yesterday,” said Doctor Natsume, stiffly. It was a deep voice.

“Yes. I’m starting work yesterday. Today I’m on duty, so I’m paying you a visit.”

“Ah?”

While I was dazed, Doctor Natsume had come to my side and took my hand carefully to take my pulse.

“How’s your body? Does your throat ache?”

“It aches.” 

“I heard you were locked in the rooftop.”

“What?”

“Were you casually counting stars there?” said Doctor Natsume, with a smile.

Although having a bearded face, he gave off a gentle feeling. Probably because I had lived in the hospital for some time, I could tell a good doctor from a bad one. Good doctors could get along with patients immediately, which said, specifically, was opening their hearts to patients and being all ears. 

Doctor Natsume’s eyes were like a young child, eyes filled with curiosity.

“Yes. It’s about it,” he said, in a relieving tone.

This was difficult to be talked about with people you first met.

Standing behind Doctor Natsume, Akiko did her best to hold onto herself, her hands covering her stomach, restricting herself from bursting into laughter.

Rats, how misfortunate!

===== 3 =====

Countless bed sheets and towels hung on the rooftop looked like they were dancing to the wind.

As I basked in the sun and stared at the cloudless blue sky, feeling the soft and warm wind, I felt as if spring had arrived. Having rested for three whole days, my cold had pretty much subsided, but since my body had been warmed up under this warm weather and sunshine, I was both lazy and drowsy.
    
Speaking of which, Tada also really liked sitting on the rooftop like I do.  

Just like an old turtle. 

The ward that Tada used to live in had just received a new patient. It seemed it was a university student with a broken leg. But what's enviable, no, not at all enviable, was the fact that a girlfriend-like person comes to visit him every day. Looking at his room from the rooftop, I could see the door is open, and its interiors fully visible. In the brightly lit room, the two were chatting happily. How much I would like to go and pat his shoulder to tell him.

Everything had become the past tense... 

I want to walk into their room, to tell them, there used to be a perverted old man called Tada that had lived here for over a dozen years; I want to tell them, this old man collected thousands of porno magazines, and before he passed away, he gave them all to me. 

Tada-san definitely lived. 

He definitely existed in this world. 

He lived for 80 years. 

Of course, it's not possible to tell them all this. 

"Wha'?" 

They might look at me confoundedly. 

"So what?" 

They might also say. 

Ah, Tada-san, you've gone too far. It's all because of you, that Rika hates me now.

Even when he's dead, he still causes problems, how horrible. 

Tada-san would definitely laugh wholeheartedly, "hahahaha~".

If it's him, he'd definitely be convulsed with laughter. 

As I stood in a daze, "What are you doing?", came a voice from above. 

I slowly looked up, happening to see a young man standing there. His white outfit told me he was a doctor. But I've never seen him before, so was he a new doctor sent over from the university? 

This was what I had learned when I was hospitalised: small hospitals like Wakaba Hospital are all affiliated with a University Med school. It's like convenience store chains. So sometimes, young doctors from that med school were sent here to gain experience. It's killing two birds with one stone.

I imitated Tada's face and tried to smile. 

"I'm enjoying the sunshine." 

"Oh", he said softly. 

"You'd better return to your room before the weather gets cold. Your cold isn't fully cured yet." 

"Huh?" 

Why would this guy know that I had caught a cold? 

Wakaba Hospital, though small, still had over 100 patients, and a patient's illness can't be known by all doctors, usually only by the attending physician. Not to mention, a doctor that just arrived from med school couldn't possibly know my illness, because I only caught this cold recently. This was weird. 

Noticing my confusion, the doctor chuckled: 

"You still haven't realised!" 

"What?" 

"It's me!" 

"Doctor Natsume!" 

"Mm." 

This handsome young man grinned at me. 

"Am I not cool or what?" 

This is unbelievable! 

When I first saw him, his face was full of stubble, and his hair was messy, completely like a sloppy uncle. 

But this person in front of me was obviously a gentle and mild youth. The hair style is quite fashionable, and the slightly long hair gives off a cool and comfortable feeling. With a clear contour of the face, beautiful double eyelids, long lashes, and light brown pupils, even though his grin irritated me, this can only be described as a young handsome man. 

This is infuriating! 

Any male would be angry after seeing such a young handsome man. Shoot, everyone would think so. 

Definitely detestable! 

"I'm going to go hiking, " said Doctor Natsume. 

No, just Natsume is fine. 

I changed the way I called him in my heart. 

There's no need to append "Doctor" to his name. 

"It's a hobby I've had since I was a student. Two whole months, I've confined myself in a small cabin in the mountains, living by myself. Don't you think it's rude, calling me to be on duty just after I came out from the mountains. During the 2 months on the mountain, I didn't shower, shave or even cut my hair. I even scared a child at the spot that came for an emergency call." 

Natsume laughed again. "Hahaha".

"After duty, I had a shower and went to the hairdresser. It felt like turning from an ape-man back to being a human. Hey, Ezaki, do you understand what I'm saying? Why are you looking at me with such a scary expression?" 

"Nothing's wrong"

As if there's something he's really enjoying, he didn't stop smiling. He seemed to have just smoked, because there was a lingering smell as he took a seat beside me. Once again looking at Natsume sitting beside me, I confirmed he's definitely over 30. He's already at the age where he should marry, and wouldn't be strange even if he had a child or two. But the aura he gives off was quite young, or at least not old at all. 

There were these kinds of teachers at school as well. A frank personality, so rather than a teacher, he'd feel more like an elder brother, very sociable and popular among girls. 

However, personally, I find it difficult to interact with these teachers. 

Therefore, I'm sure it'll also be difficult to get along with Natsume. 

Of course, it's definitely like this. 

Without mistake.

"Did you have a quarrel with Rika?" he suddenly asked. 

"How did you know?" 

"Rika had been complaining about it. She's so angry there are flames in her eyes. Very intimidating indeed. She even yelled,' boys are all idiots!' She sure is scary when she's angry." 

"Totally scary!" 

I nod furiously. 

Just thinking about Rika's raged eyes sent chills down my spine. 

"Well, it ''is'' Rika." 

However, for some weird reason, just listening to Natsume, I feel anger boiling up within me. After thinking through it carefully,  Natsume actually just called Rika's name directly. To have another man, not to mention a handsome young man to call her name like this, infuriated me. 

"Do you know Rika?" 

"Of course I do, I'm her attending doctor." 

"Attending doctor? So you specialise in cardiology?" 

Hearing my question, Natsume seemed quite surprised. 

"Has Rika told you about her condition?" 

"Mm." 

Natsume sighed softly. 

"Well, isn't that rare. Rika actually mentioned her illness." 

"Why is that?" 

"I've known her for a long time. Started from the hospital in Shizuoka, 5 years? no, it's been 6 years. She has never told anyone about 
her own condition until now." 

"Ah?" 

"Maybe it's just her personality. She never had any friends before, so she's quite sensitive about this topic." 

Natsume appeared very happy. 

"For Rika, you are a very important existence- a patient that can chat with her. You have to get along with each other in the future too, ok!" 

He's smiling wholeheartedly. 

And I changed my opinion of him. 

Perhaps, he's not as bad as I think he was. 

"To have a friend like you is quite nice." 

Friend? He specifically emphasised the word "friend".

Had it been my hallucination? 

"Friends are really important, as they can share anything with each other. Lovers are different. Lovers have a gap, and some things cannot be shared. The saying that opposite genders can  never have true friendship are made just to fool children. Rika and you are friends, right!" 

The more I listened, the angrier I got. 

A gap? 

Not lovers? 

Rika and I weren't only friends. Though we hadn't confessed, our relationship wasn't that simple. I didn't know how to put it into words, but we weren't just normal friends! 

After regaining self-consciousness, I realise I'm glaring at Natsume. 

He was also looking at me with a cheeky expression and a smirk on his face. 

Just earlier, I changed my opinion of him, but I reverted back now. 

I still detested him. 

No, I hate him! 

===== 4 =====

Many things occurred in this world. I've lived for 17 years, and never counted them, knowing that they would be endless. 

But! 

Among these things that occurred, an event of such a scale is extraordinary. There was a limit to one's patience, and because of this limit, some things simply couldn't be endured. 

"Want it?" 

"Yes please!" 

"Don't rush." 

"It's fine." 

"Don't rush!" 

I was so angry right now I really wanted to kick the chair. I already lifted my leg twice, but managed to restrain myself before lashing out.

There were 4 people in my ward. 

Of course, I was the first one. 

I'm lying on the bed, trying to control my mood. 

The second one was Tsukasa. 

He was standing next to my bed, smiling. 

The third was the university student that stayed in the neighbouring ward. 

He had his plastered foot raised while sitting on the chair that I've been trying to kick. 

I had the urge to kick him right onto the ground. 

The fourth person was that guy's girlfriend. 

She was standing next to him. With a fork in her hand, and a slice of cake on the fork, she was feeding that guy. 

"Don't eat too fast~"

"Hurry up and give it to me!" 

"It's delicious, you have to savour it!" 

The university student took a bite, "mmm~, tasty," he exclaimed enthusiastically. 

The girl also smiled with content, but it was directed towards Tsukasa and I. 

"Thank you so much, but is it really fine to invite us?" 

Though I was irritated, I still smiled in return. 

"Of course it's no problem, right, Tsukasa?" 

And I gave Tsukasa an evil eye. 

Tsukasa blinked a few times and then nodded. 

"Yup." 

Nodding like a puppet. 

However, the university student frankly said, "Did you really make this delicious cake? It's quite rare for a guy like you to bake cakes. Hey, Yumiko, hurry and let me eat!" 

"Ahh--"

"Ahhh--"

Die! I muttered in my heart, and henceforth proceeded glaring at the person responsible for this disaster, Tsukasa. 

Baking was Tsukasa's hobby, so every time he came to visit me he would bring a cake or some cookies that he made. I love desserts and snacks, so I always welcome him. There are failures from time to time, but overall, Tsukasa was quite skilled at baking. 

There had been this drawback, though! 

When Tsukasa brought gifts to my ward, I was on the rooftop talking with Natsume. Thus, the room was empty. While Tsukasa was confused at what to do with his hands full with gifts, the lovers next door just happened to walk by. So Tsukasa started to chat with them. He loves to chat with other people, and it can be said that he has no sense of wariness. When he's waiting at a bus stop, he met a complete stranger and started chatting with her. She even gave him ten "Ise Specialty Steamed Buns".

Since I still hadn't returned, Tsukasa went ahead and asked. 

"Would you like some cake?" 

Then, my infuriated self-- of course directed to Natsume--  returned to my room, and saw the intimate lovers sitting in my room enjoying the cake. 

Someone once said, love creates blindness, and it is so true. 

Tsukasa and I are right next to them, but they were flirting as if there's no one else around. 

"Is it tasty?" 

"Mhmm, very." 

"Want more?" 

"Yes please, I want it! "

"Only the cake?" 

"In front of these children,  it's not right! Hahaha!" 

"Hmph, pervert!" 

Unable to stand this any longer, I interrupted, "Hey..." 

Both of them turned to look at me, with the smile still remaining from their earlier flirting; they look blissful. Though others may see them as two idiots, the feeling of bliss flowing out felt like a dream blocking my nervous system. 

Seeing them smile like that, I swallowed back my words. Silence, 1 second, 2 seconds, 3 seconds... 

Tsukasa took a breath. 

"How did the two of you meet?" 

I finally refocused back on reality, and asked thus, hoping that I could cover up my original intentions. 

We spent a quarter of an hour listening to their love story. And the two lovers that fully reconfirmed their love, returned to their ward happily. 

Only Tsukasa and I were left in the room. 

"Sorry." 

He apologised immediately. 

"You never came back, so I gave it to them." 

"It's fine, don't worry about it," I said while looking up at the ceiling. 

"Ummm..." 

"What?" 

"Yuichi, I thought you would bust out in anger earlier." 

"Hehe." 

Indeed. 

"Why didn't you get angry?" 

"I saw how happy they were." 

"Happy?" 

"They were smiling happily. Even though we were right beside them, they could still act so intimately, I could never do that." 

Tsukasa nodded and sat down on the chair. 

"Usually, people would be embarrassed." 

No. 

That's not what I meant. 

Actually, I was not certain, but just looking at their expression told me how precious happiness was. I did not want to destroy such a precious moment. I was not envious, nor had I thought about imitating them. I am not sure about my own opinions on this matter, but I just didn't want to destroy it. 

I also wanted to tell Tsukasa what I think, but I gave up in the end. 

There was no point in saying it. 

If I were to blurt it out directly, I'd might just tell that university student: the former patient that lived in your room was an old man called Tada. That old man was cunning and perverted, and under his bed- the bed you are sleeping in- were many, many porno magazines. 

It would have been impossible to tell this to him.

I refrained from what I originally wanted to say.

As such, I couldn't bring that matter on the table.

Stuff I didn't say, things difficult to express, were all hidden deep within my heart. It's as if they would all disappear, never to resurface.

Perhaps, it would be better this way. 

"How's it going in school?" 

I changed the topic. 

"Did anything happen?" 

"Nothing in particular. Our third semester is very boring, with no sports meet or cultural festival. Yuichi, you still can't be discharged yet? What about your credits?" 

"That's a problem." 

I started to sweat. I have already missed school for three months, and I may have to stay hospitalised for another. My attendance count was definitely insufficient, not to mention all the lessons I missed. 

"My home form teacher Mr. Kawamura came before, and intimated me on the matter." 

"So, repeating the year?" 

Repeating. 

Repeating a year. 

Such a scary phrase. 

"Originally, I would definitely repeat a year because my attendance rate was too low. But because it was caused by this illness, I still have a chance. As long as I hand in the summative for every single subject, and everyone of them passes, then I won't need to repeat." 

"That's great!" 

Tsukasa acted so happily as if it was ''his'' issue. 

"So we can continue on to the third year together." 

"Are you an elementary student?!" 

I wanted to snap at him. 

But I didn't. What I like most about Tsukasa is that aspect. He's the same age as me, grew up with the same environment as me, and should also lament about things, but he is able to say all these innocent statements without any hesitation. 

I cannot do so. 

Therefore I really like Tsukasa. With a body like a wrestler, he's very popular with girls, but has no idea about it; he likes stars and cakes, and smiles like a child. I really like these things about him. 

But I would never mention these things. 

For boys, some things can be said, some cannot. 

It is very important, so it must not be said. 

"It'll be very difficult to complete the summative for every subject." 

I intentionally exclaim out loud. 

"And there are also tests!" 

"Just try hard and you can do it. We have to reach third year together!" 

Yeah! 

I shout silently. 

"We have to reach third year together!" 

After that, I continued complaining about the harshness of school. Tsukasa listens quietly with his usual smile. 

Suddenly, he seems to have remembered something. 

"Oh right, Yamanishi said he has something for you." 

And then, he reached into his bag. 

"What is it? A music disk?" 

Tsukasa handed me an orange disk with his large hands. 

"He said he wanted to apologize, but I don't quite understand." 

"That bastard sure is modest." 

So he's apologising now because he made Rika angry. He's not too bad! I even beat him up quite badly that time, but he still apologised.

"Yamanishi is really strong!" 

"Strong? How so?" 

"He got into a fight with some delinquents from East High. He got ganged by five others, but he took down all of them. It seems his face 
got injured, and it hurts quite badly. I always thought that guy could only talk big, but he's actually very brave." 

Wait a moment. 

"Tsukasa, Yamanishi's face is injured, his left side or the right side?" 

"His left side." 

There's no mistake. 

I was the culprit. 

"Do you actually think he's very manly?" 

"Mhmm, people around him all think differently of him now," 

"..."

"What's wrong, Yuichi?" 

I stare at the music disk held in my hand. 

Yamanishi! 

This probably isn't an apology, but a bribe to keep my mouth shut. 

===== 5 =====

What  Yamanishi is thinking, I have no idea. The music disk he gave me is filled with anime songs. As I'm listening to the passionate music coming from the earphones, I crouch hold my head. Why are these all anime songs, Yamanishi!" 

"GO! GO! COCOGO! 

Forward! 

Fight! 

Send them flying! 

Have to win! 

Must not lose! 

Send them flying!" 

Anime songs! Classic ones, from ten years ago! The noise from the music is giving me a headache. Is Yamanishi making me listen to these songs on purpose? I endure the pain and continue listening. 

The second one is still an anime song. 

Same with the third. 

Half way through the song, I turned off my walkman. 

"..."

I took the orange disk out of my walkman and threw it towards the trashcan.

It hit the wall and fell into the can beautifully, sending out a crisp sound. 

So many weird things occur in this world. 

One of them being Natsume. 

He has a handsome face, but a horrible personality. He's also Rika's attending physician. 

Another one is Yamanishi. 

So arrogant and frivolous, but gaining more and more popularity. 

Also like this music disk. 

It's filled with these kinds of songs. 

I looked towards the window. Spring-like sunshine was pouring in through the window. I just stared at the rays of sunshine silently. That time, it was also during winter. It also had this kind of sunshine. I endured the huge pain and crawled along the ground. It's winter, but why did my back feel so warm? 


I started to reminiscence. 

Yup. 

It happened in the past. 

<!-- last edit by Pudding = would be back -->

I once fought with my dad. My father passed away when I was fourteen years old, but our fight occurred three years prior. Fighting with adults require equal strength. A ten year old child fighting with an adult, no matter how much hatred was withheld, it would not be possible to fight. It basically ends after a beating by the adult. 

I understand very clearly. 

Why? Because my body has experienced it fully. 

When I was nine--

My nose bled after being slapped, end. 

When I was ten--

It was pretty much the same as the year before. 

When I was ten--

Spring arrived and I grew a lot. The high bar that I couldn't reach before is finally within reach, and I could even pull myself up. 

Whenever I got into an argument with my father, I'd still challenge him as usual. But in the end, I'd still lose to a slap. 

At that time, I actually wasn't those naughty kids that would be scolded by parents on a daily basis. I could only be considered a non-obedient child. 

Next, I went through my fourteenth birthday in low spirits. 

That year, dad had many faults. He took mom's wage and used it all on horse racing. Of course, dad lost it all, completely. A month's living expenses was all lost because of seven horse races. My mom cried her eyes red. Seeing mother crouching in the corner and crying, a sudden feeling rushed out of my heart. 

I don't particularly love my mom. 

And I actually find her annoying. 

After all, boys of that age were all like that. 

I didn't even understand this anger myself. Well, there was no need to seek the origin, and I rushed directly towards my father. 

Dad was smoking in the cramped yard.  

At that time, I didn't even call him "old man", "pops", or "dad" anymore and switched to "hey" and "oi".

So as usual, 

"Hey!" 

I shouted. 

Father looked at me with gloomy eyes. 

"What do you want?" 

"Return the money!" 

I yelled angrily. 

I originally didn't expect to do this, but when I realized it, my shout already came out. 

"Told you to return the money!" 

"How would I have any! It's all gone!" 

"You wasted it all, didn't you?" 

"I said I don't have any money." 

"Return IT!" 

Father threw the cigarette butt onto the floor. There was no word called "manners" in his dictionary. He always threw the cigarette butts in the yard. 

"Hey, what are you talking about?" 

Father deepened his voice.

"Is this how you should be speaking to your parents?"

I even surprised myself. Though I am already extremely furious at this point, some part of my brain still maintains its cool. The me at the that time not only started growing stronger, but my voice also changed. Except I still had a long way to go until I would be equal to my father. My arms weren't even half as thick as father's, so if I really were to fight with him, I'd definitely get beaten up badly.

I can only assault him!

A part of my brain thinks thus. Dad stuck both his hands into his pant pockets. I have got to try, now's the time!

Just when dad was about to bring his hands out from his pockets, I jumped down from the veranda.

"Ahhh~!"

A flying kick.

I'm quite astounded myself, for the assault to be so successful. My leg kicked out directly, and my body stretched out perfectly. Just like an arrow, I hit dad's stomach straight on. It was completely unexpected. Dad's stomach sank deeply, and a sound of cracking came from his mouth.

Of course I couldn't land beautifully, and I fell hard onto the ground. Rubble scrapped my elbow, but because I was full of adrenaline, I didn't feel pain at all. I immediately scramble up. Dad is an very tough opponent, so if I didn't get up right away, he'd definitely kick me at least twice and send me flying.

\\Energy picking up. Well, bad at grammar, I am no native. Will polish it later. Just put down some readable thing first.

However, he did not kick me.

So be the fist.

My father was pressing against his stomach while crouching on the ground.

I can never forget his mumble at that time.

"Ouch?"

"That voice was like from an idiot."

Out of surprise, I was standing still. I had never attack my father as successful, that memorial day was my first time fighting him effectively, and won that fight. Out of expectation, I have never expected this, surprised!

But that was my greatest fault.

I was standing still while my father slowly stand up.

My father was raising, staring at me with anger. In his eyes was burning blaze, just like the eye of a bull. When his eyes sweep to here, my legs became numb and cannot be moved. While I sweat like river, I cannot run, as my feet are numb. Run! Hey, run! My father was closing in step by step. I should have chosen to run or fight immediately, but I cannot move, standing still. Not only my feet, my heart was still.

"Boom(?)" My father's attack landed.

A punch on the face but I did not feel painful, only feeling dizzy. And then another punch landed. This time, I felt burning painful. Another punch landed on my stomach. I was fought to breathless -- I can only hear the "fuu...fuu" sound from my mouth. I was looking at my father with a begging look, nevertheless, there is only madness filled in my father's eyes. I wanted to run only to discover that my collar was picked up firmly. He was really doing it seriously. He hit my face and stomach endlessly. I was fought to fell on the ground and cannot even stand. That then he kicked me. He kicked, I cried. I don't know whether it is pain or shame, I kept crying.

How many times did my father kicked me? I feel that it was one or two hours, but it actually only a few minutes. After that, my father mumbled something, then walk away in a shaky way.

He was singing the theme song of the anime which I watch every week when I was small.

When I heard the off-pitched voice faded, I was relaxed. I feel that he will not hit me anymore, that then, I suddenly feel more painful. the smell of blood filled my mouth. It seems that I have a bite of sand and dirt, as it smells like so. I stood up, washed my bloody and dirty face and hands. It was painful when my wounds were washed. I took off my clothes, then tears was rushing out again.

I am like a helpless kid.

At this point of time, I am neither thinking of my tragic face, nor do I think of my shrinking mother at the corner. Instead, I am thinking about the look of my father, who was crouching because of my kick. 

When I notice, the room has already gone dark. It is dinner time. I feel very hungry. The food in the hospital is bad, but when one is starving, they will have the appetite to eat it. Man are like this. When thirsty, they can even drink lots of dirty water.

I hear footstep sounds.

They are nurses.

Two nurses came in shoulder on shoulder.

"Mr Shiga, have you took a temperature yet?"

"No. He will cheat it if you look at him doing it."

I can just hear these as their voices and footsteps fades.

After a while, footstep sounds are sounded again.

It should be Akiko.<ref> This time Yuichi is not using proper prefix, just calling Akiko by her names, leaving "Miss", it shows that Yuichi is kind of rude to Akiko.</ref> 

"Mr Uchida! That is not food!"

Akiko shouted loudly.

"God! You Bastar... Boss! That is not edible!"

Everything are like hallucination.

Without solid feeling.

The soft feeling in my tiptoe is waken, the feel when I kicked my father. There goes 3 years, but that feel for kicking my father as well as the pain for being beaten up, the bloody smell, the shame and the scene when my father was crouching on the ground, were all still so fresh in my mind.

I leave the bed, walked to the door, switched on the lamp.

The music disc in the rubbish bin was my father's favorite song. The label on the disc is shining.

Sometimes, I will think:

If I were living deep in a mountain village, what my life would be like? Living happily with bears, wild boars and monkeys? Impossible! It is not Disney movie. I am certain to be attacked by bears, chasing all over the mountain by the boars, played by the monkeys.

Recently, I watched a movie called The Mosquito Coast.

It was about a father who loves the nature and would like to assimilate into it. Thereafter, his family moved in a rain forest, hence, suffering a lot. Finally, the father gone mad and died, the whole family moved back to the civilized world again.

Principle?

Assertion?

That might be essential, but things might not always develop in a good way. It can go tragic.

The thing is to do it properly.

And then, in those proper acts, there are good thing and bad things. However, they will not be too good or too bad.

Yes, it is something like this.

I always have this thoughts, therefore, my life is just as expected. Although not a brilliant life, but not everything is bad. Simple and happy, a life which I laugh at but still keep living in.

Nevertheless, this is the worst.

Rika is still avoiding me. She would turn away if we met in the corridor. If I speak to her, she will ignore me. If I chase after her, she will hit me with her elbow. If I moan, she will not notice me, strict off leaving.

How rude!

So bad!

Today, I am still thinking of a way appease Rika. Everyday, 24 hours, this issue is all I can think of. But I cannot think of any.

I maybe really am a fool.

Rika also scold me like this:

"Yuichi, you fool!"

Speaking in a cute voice.

"You are a fool!"

Her angry face is also very cute.

I am sunbathing on the roof. The wind is chilling, seems like the cold current is coming. Life in the hospital is too boring. I can only watch the weather forecast to kill time lately. Weather forecast will be repeated, again and again, in NHK's morning news section. I want to take a look of other channels too, but well, the right to choose the channel for TVs in the hall, is holding by the elderly who stayed in the hospital for a longer time.

I feel soo tired.

"Ha..."

I am yawning while opening the textbook.

Well, at least take a look of the textbook, or I am going to repeat. The first step is essay. However, I cannot get the gist of the article.

I work as hard as I can. Then, there is a voice from above.

"Oh, that's nice, you are studying!"

I look up, that then, I see that Akiko is standing there.

With a cigarette in between her lips.

"Don't smoke, it is bad to your health."

"What did you say?"

"O,O,Ouch! Stop it!"

Akiko stomp on my back hard. My body is twisted together like rope. She is standing on her tip toe, bending her kneels, trying to exert all her weight on me.

"What the heck are you doing? Are you a nurse?"

I am running away while I scream.

Akiko is laughing when she breath some smoke out.

"Huh? What?"

"I said..."

"What were you trying to say?"

Akiko's eyes are shining with dangerous light. She seems very happy, energetic. She has already treating bullying me as one of her interests. Why is there such a nurse in this world!

I feel very regret, therefore, I laughed very loudly and say:

"Nothing."

"I am a very generous person, you can say anything you want, I don't mind."

"Well, really nothing. Hahaha, Hahaha."

"That's great, hahaha, hahaha." 

We laughed very loudly.

The glowing sunset emmerged in the sky when we are still laughing.

"Sigh, Yuichi."

"Huh?"

What is it this time?

I am frozen.

I think she will not kick me so suddenly, right?

"Are you still arguing with Rika?"

"..."

"It is, right?"

'...'

"Rika is really stubborn. A kid in your age normally have one or two porn book, isn't it simple to forgive you?"

Yeah!

It really is.

Though I am not only hiding one or two books.

"However, that kid is starting to get soft."

"Soft? Rika?"

Akiko nod.

"That kid...Never express her feelings, therefore, we don't know much about her. Even if the repeated medical checks were so tiring, she had never shown a face of tire. Even though she is happy, she had never shown a face of happiness. Therefore, when I heard that you are in quarrel with her, I was much relieved."

"Akiko..."

"What!"

"Rika never showed her feelings, right?"

"Yeah."

"She can go completely mad or happy."

Akiko blinks her eyes.

"Really?"

"Uh huh."

She can go so mad that she is even more horrible than Akiko. I am afraid that there is only one girl, Rika, who is more horrible than Akiko. Cried, Shout, Scolding endlessly: Rika is a person with explosive emotion.

Akiko murmured.

"She tortured you..."

"Huh?"

I can't hear what she said clearly.

To hide from me, Akiko speaks before me.

"It is about time."

She take a look of her watch.

"You have business?"

"Rika will finish her drip treatment in the afternoon and may come up here. I asked her to come. Listen, this time you really need to take the chance. She can't run fast, you can hide behind the fence or something like that. Then, block the entrance<ref>Should be exit, but the original text...</ref>. Then you won't be locked like last time."

"Akiko..."

"Kneel down, or whatever, whatever you do, just beg her pardon. Though this is my own thoughts, but I think Rika wants to get back to normal relationship too. Kneel, or even better, cry. Then tell her you can be her servant for 100 years or something like that, then she will definitely forgive you."

Akiko smile and then putting the cigarette bud which she has finished into a pocket ashtray. Then she is gone. I watched until her shadows fades. Thank you very much! Akiko. Akiko really is an angel! God who reborn! Buddha who reincarnated!

Still, I can hardly believe. I stand there like an idiot, day dreamed for half a day.

I should first hide up.

I peeked around anxiously. How about hiding beside the water tower? The sun was sat and is getting cold. But it is not the time to consider this.

After five minutes, the door was opened.沒回過神

Rika is here!

Failure is not an option. Anyway, kneel down, cry, stick my head to the concrete ground. Whatever it is, if she can forgive me, I can swear to be her servant for one hundred years.

I strain to hear and I found the sound of steps.

She is looking around. Maybe she is looking for Akiko. The foot steps are getting near and near. I took a deep breath and calculate the timing. Just a bit more, one step, two steps, three steps--

Now.

I rushed out and kneel on the concrete ground.

"Rika, sorry."

Look up.

It in fact is Natsume.

I don't know how long did the silent continued.

I stared at Natsume's face meaninglessly, Natsume also looked at my face mindlessly.

It is Natsume who reacted first.

"What are you doing here?" 

He asked in a surprise.

I immediately blushes and stand up.

"Nothing."

Darn it, I knelt before this guy. 

"Suddenly kneeling in front of me, I was nearly scared to death. By the way, Ezaki, let me show you something good."

"What!"

"Look!"

Natsume pull out an imported porn book. It has such a strong image and so sexy that anyone who see it will avoid it.

"There you are."

"Huh? I don't want this kind of stuff."

"Alright, alright. Take it. Gifts from the elder one has to be accepted."

Natsume speaks in a fast pace, then stuff the book into my hands and leave in a hurry. What is he doing. Anyway, my hands is now left with that super sexy book.

Well book is such thing that you want to flip over it when you hold one.

Isn't it?

When tidying up my room, sometimes I will find out some books which are not yet read. At that time, I will be compassionate about the book because it is bought but never touched. It is the most tragic thing to a book.

It is exactly the same case.

I am not very willing to read it.

I open the book.

At the same time.

There is a shadow hanging over me. A thin shadow. I did not think closely and looked up.

It's Rika.

Standing here.

I suddenly understand everything. Why Natsume is such anxious, why he carried this book, why he stuff it to me. That jerk, Natsume, must have known Akiko's plan.

But I know deeply that it is my foolishness.

I know by heart that Rika will come, why should I open that book?!

I am an idiot, right?

"Ri,Rika!"

I throw that book away and cried.

"No, it is not like that."

However, Rika turn and leave in a poker face. I chase her, but then I am hit violently by her elbow on the stomach and I lost my balance. Taking the chance, Rika run out rapidly. I bear the pain and chase her desperately, but the door is shut hard in front of me.

(--lock)

Then there is a foreboding sound. I put my hand on the handle in a panic. Seems like it can be turned, but actually not. Not again, I am locked. I pulled hard to find the door cannot be moved. Kicked which hurts my feet. Knock which hurts my hands.

I stand there.

Only to know that the sun has sat and the wind starts to turn cold.

"I can't believe it..."

Oh, right, the weather forecast this morning said that today is the coldest day this year.

===== 7 =====

I put my hands on the fence, staring to the front, thinking if it is possible to go down to the balcony. I climb pass the chest-tall (?) fence and take a deep breathe. In the chilling wind of the winter, my hands and heart are turning very cold.

don-don-don...

Rika Akiba run down the stairs, her foot steps resonates in the void. The reddish ray of the sun shines from window near the ceiling, dyeing the stairs, walls and the girl with reddish paint. The long hair of the the girl is flying in the red light. The girl's hair is dancing, dancing like her illusory dream. That girl speaks to herself, idiot, what a big idiot! Her eyes are brimming with tear. The reason why Miss Tanizaki ask her to go up is kind of known in her heart. And she knows that the one who is waiting up there is not Tanizaki, but that idiot. If he beg for pardon, though a bit too hard, she is still going to give him a chance. Originally she planned not to forgive him so earlier and want to torture him a bit more. But he treat her like a dumb-head. He already has her, why does he need to store so many that kind of stuff? All the guys are idiot. Idiotic, perverted, shameless!

However, it is likely that she is running out of time.

And the time is passing quickly.

There is no other way out. She don't want to end like this. And that idiot cannot stand her avoidance anymore, as he turn hopeless lately. He is cute being like that, just a bit.

Therefore, she decided to forgive him.

Yup, she want to forgive him.

I sighed. I know this won't work, so I give up. It is more worthwhile to take a look over there. I sneeze again and again.

Gorō Natsume is standing beside the emergency exit.

The foot steps are getting closer and closer.

don-don-don, just like kicking the stairs away. It seems very angry. Here comes the foot steps beside Natsume. In order to hide from her, Natsume shrink very hard.

The foot steps passes through the emergent exit, fading in the ward of the west. Natsume laughs out loudly -- operation finished. If I left one minute later, it would be disastrous. Rika is very mad, the pair of cute eyes are shining with anguish.

I am very familiar with Rika's temper for I have met her such long a time. In this case, that kid will never be close with Rika again. Rika will not forgive him. Regardless of he kneeling down, crying out, Rika will never notice him again.

Natsume laughs out loudly, ever louder and louder, even cracking out, shrinking the whole body, laughing endlessly. Finally, it turns to a hysterical laugh.

My effort to plan the escape route was in vein. In the end, I completely give up on it. I decide to wait for the security guard, Mr Edogawa, petrol here and rescue me.

I kneel beside the water tower where no wind can reach. I snuffle, possibly due to the cold whether.

Or maybe it is due to sadness. "Rika, it is not my fault......"I murmured.

"Mr Uchida, that is not food, don't!"

Tanizaki is mad as always.

Patient are all capricious. They all think their lives are tragic, being capricious is reasonable. being dependent <ref>甘える, no direct translation to English. This is an act when people acting vulnerable, being dependent on someone. Just like kids sticking with their mother, begging for pats, asking for attention--these are 甘える.</ref> on the family is alright. After all, they are family of them.

But please don't do that to the nurses.

Nurses would want to treat the patient as well as possible. I was being called as the queen of Ise, or even the red devil -- but those are past. Now I am an angel in white.

Maybe it is very embarrassing and I have never ever mentioned it to anybody, after all, it is not that important. Actually, I dreamt to be a nurse when I was a kid, a pretty, kind and generous nurse.

Keep smiling.

Like an angel.

However, facing an old man, who has a severe diabetes, and has to go on strict diet, and if being not careful he may die. In this sense, when I see him hide up and eat sweets, smiling is just too impossible for me.

When they are discovered, they will even bring their sweets to run away. That is so terrible.

I would absolutely go mad.

"Give that to me, do you want to die!"

Shouting while chasing the running old man.

He has an armful of sweets, pile up like a little hill.

If he really eat them all, he would be dead.

Absolutely dead.

"Stop--eat--ing!"

"I--did---not!"

"Li--ar!"

"I--did--not! Real--ly--didn't!"

"wh--what are those? Those which you are holding?"

I really want to smile.

But now I can only shout, curse, chasing like a ghost. If the patient becomes afraid of me like that, it will not bad.

Afraid of her, listen to her, that then they can live longer.

That then they can leave the hospital earlier.

Their family will be quite happy, not to mention the patient themselves.

Therefore, to grab the sweets from the stubborn, troublesome Mr Uchida, I can only shout.

"You idiotic old man, if you don't want to die, hurry up and throw those things in you arms away!"

===========================

I gaze up to the sky, a few magnitude one stars are shining in the winter starry sky when the last quarter moon slowly climb up the east of the sky.

============================

Natsume sits besides the emergency exit. Catching the voice calling to him, Dr. Natsume -- an imaginary voice. But Natsume did not stand up, keep on staring into space. The hysterical laugh fades away, leaving a face in blank.

Natsume puts his hands into the pocket of his jacket, pull out a lighter that he always carry around and squeezing on it.

His finger joints start to turn white as he put too much force on the lighter. Even so, Natsume is unconscious of it.

His eyes are staring far far away, onto a place which does not exist. Following that warmth, following that gentle voice. Even if he knows that it would never return, he stills follows it.

"Ayy!"

A sweet but imaginary voice sounded.

"Ayy!"

Natsume come back to conscious, look around, looks like panicking. However, projecting on his eye is not what he is seeking. Projecting on his eye is the door of the emergency exit which has peeling paint, the linoleum floor and the wall in white.

He showed a wry smile, only to blame his ignorance. Then the smile suddenly disappeared, turning into a fragile face of a bullied child. His lips keep moving, just like he is speaking.

However, the voice is too soft to be heard, not even himself.

====================================

I am sitting against the water tower, hugging my kneels, gazing the last quarter moon far far away.

====================================

The girl go back to her room.

Standing in the darkness.

looking at the books on the table besides the bed. There lies four books with the same title, same cover, just a difference in the number of the subtitle. Only the one with the number "1" is put beside the pillow.

Asking my mom to buy it instead of that idiot. Because it is a secret, one day, and until that day, I don't want him to know about it. I really am stupid for spending so much time and effort on it.

That is so shameful, really shameful. Tears flood out. The girl wipe the tears away hard, standing in front of the table and sweep all the books on it to the floor.

The book dropped and hit the floor with sound of "basa basa". She then raise the book beside the pillow up high. Throw it away, book, and everything, forget about them.

But her hand which raise the book stops in the air.

Staying still. 

Keep still.

Ten second or thirty second has passed, or even a minute...... The girl put down her hands, staring at the book cover.

Murmured in the darkness.

Baka! <ref>Idiot</ref>



<small>(translated, need revision)</small>

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