Editing Kamisama no Memochou:Volume 1 Chapter 6

==Chapter 6==

A strong tinge of purple pervaded the streets of that Friday night, the buses that bore their maws towards the bus stop were expelling large amounts of purple spots that stuck onto people’s faces. During the red light, the purple spots gathered at the zebra crossing, flowing slowly. Why is it that the street isn’t destroyed because of the bruises? I stood before the road, breathing in the pungent odor of the exhaust gas while thinking.

My voice had probably spread out through the microphone hidden in my muffler. The knitted cap on my head looked like a strangely shaped pot, and a camera was set up inside it; I’m starting to feel as if I’m not a person anymore. If I’m a robot, I would probably be able to get the repulsive feeling to disappear after pressing a button.

‘If the repulsive feeling disappears, you won’t be able to come back anymore. Listen, don’t think about negative things, even thinking of the ice cream that Master made would be okay, as you’ll be devoured by the drug.’

The green light lit up, and someone was pushing against my back. The masked crowd flowed from two sides of the road to the dark, murky river of the asphalt road. I was drawn into the crowd, and took a step forward.

Nobody knows if I will be able to find them, and I might just die in vain.

Three uniformed girls passed by my side while exiting a HMV Record Store. It’s our school uniform. Happy moments in my memory—

Alice sensed my thoughts with her acute intuition, and tried to stop me with her piercing voice. But she was too late. I was forced to relive the moments with Ayaka on the rooftop that day, the night skies were at the other side of the railing. Ayaka was at my side, and the watering can wettened my hand. Ayaka said: Just wait until spring comes…… and then it changed to spring. The night skies were chased away, and my body was surrounded by a gentle, gold radiance……

I stretched out my hand towards a light particle. The sweet flow of electricity passed through my fingers, my head.

I thought, Toshi probably saw the same scene, huh? If that is so, then I’ll forgive him. I’ll forgive Ayaka who jumped off the school building without saying a word, because she just went to see the angels. You see, if you just stretch out your hands, angels are around us. Forgive those faceless, purple patients who are just swept through the night, they just don’t know the existence and the name of this light.

Even my own mutterings turned into brilliant light particles, intercrossing with my white breathing and spreading out.

The man was leaning against the steel door that looked sticky and filthy because of spray paint, and gradually squatted down. His head was lowered, and he tapped his knees to the tempo of the holy music with earphones on his ears.

I didn’t even have to think about it. What have Toshi said to me at that moment? I think it’s something like the reason that we continue to live is to stimulate our nerves. But why did Toshi, the person who was directly stimulated by the angels, and I feel so terrible? That quite clear, it’s because Toshi’s answer isn’t the answer. Stimulating our nerves for the sense of comfort is only a part of living, the pleasure is our goal and not just a trick, it’s one of the reasons of the error in the formula of its design. The one who I am right now— the one who had been guided by the angel have seen that formula. The variable of the red pills giving pleasure, it’s just a simple calculation, everyone knows the answer for that, everyone knows.

“— Your request has already been completed, right?”

[[Image:Kamisama no memocho vol01 271.jpg|thumb|''The darkness that lacked luster wrapped her whole body, even her gloves were black. She wore a bonnet, and a thin veil covered her entire face.'']]

They were clothes for people in mourning.

The folded paper that was held in Alice’s hands, is the will that Alice forced me to write the day that I decided to take the Angel Fix. At that moment, I was completely clueless to the reason that Alice asked me to write it, so the contents in it were only hastily scribbled things.

“Has Hiro brought his car? We can’t let Yondaime wait for so long, he’ll become anxious. Let’s go!”

Ah, Toshi and the others were found?

“That is why I gave them a condition, they can’t take action before I appear. I assure you, I have a plan, and wouldn’t let them do anything to Toshi.”

“I’ve said so already, didn’t I? I want to know why Ayaka wanted to jump from the school rooftop. Toshi and Hakamizaka should know something. For this reason, and only for this reason, I’m doing things to this extent, even though it’s meaningless even after I know it.”

Gazing at the skies from the back seat of the car, I could see the crimson sun setting.

Hiro sat on the driver’s seat and said: “You slept for about fifteen hours already.” Tetsu-senpai sat on the front leat, while Alice was stuck in the middle of Major and I. Alice tightly hugged her baby bear plushie that was somewhat smaller than her mocha bear, and was called Lyril. The blue foreign car set out with its back to the road beside the river, bringing an eccentric group of five and a bear, only the translucent, white moon was chasing us.

“I’ve contacted Narumi’s family. They weren’t worried at all. By the way, do remember to introduce your sister to me after this.”

Almost at the same time, Tetsu-senapi pulled Hiro’s hair while Major aimed a kick at the driver’s seat. But I didn’t laugh. After Hiro said that, I remembered fuzzily, so I have family. I just feel that the last time I went home, it was already three years ago.

During our journey, Alice didn’t say even one word. Hugging her plushie until even her fingernails turned deathly white, Alice was even sweating cold sweat.

Well, this girl is a hikikomori, after all. Why must she go out even so? It was obvious that she could just hand it to Yondaime and Tetsu-senpai, and the matter would end.

While looking at the moon, I thought, this problem is going to end soon.

Meeting Ayaka— when was that again? It was on November. January is going to end soon, so we’ve known each other for about three months now. If I would describe this with old-fashioned terms, I would say that it was like I had a long dream.

Everything had a sense of emptiness before I closed my eyes, so would it be even emptier after waking up?

It’s going to end soon.

The car swayed with force and stopped.

The commercial street without much business going on— there were a noodle shop, a photo shop, a bicycle shop and a pet store. It’s just five in the evening, and they’ve already closed. It was just a five minute trip from the station, but it was so deserted that you couldn’t imagine that they’re in the same district.

At the parking lot that was so big that it doesn’t match with the desolate commercial street, there gathered young men who were wearing black T-shirts with a swallowtail butterfly emblem printed on it. Hiro parked the car at the side of the parking lot.

“Ane-san, thanks for your hard work!”

“Thanks for your hard work.”

Tens of vicious-looking yakuza shonens bowed to the young girl who walked down of the car with a plushie in her hands, and the scene was dyed orange by the setting sun. At this instant, I saw a supernatural scene that isn’t strange even if the world ended.

“Aniki, thanks for your hard work too.”

“I’ve heard, aniki gambled with his life to find this place.”

“As expected of aniki.”

Rocky and Pole surrounded me. I shifted my gaze and shook my head. I didn’t do anything, and can’t do anything as well.

The wolf donning a crimson jacket separated the members of Hirasaka-gumi and came closer to us.

“Is it okay for you to go out……”

Yondaime looked at Alice with his head lowered, saying with a worried look on his face.

“Of course it’s not okay, can’t you see after seeing this?”

Using the plushie to cover over half of her face, Alice was still determined to say those annoying words even though her hands were trembling slightly.

“Why are you deliberately coming out? It’s the same with that last incident, you always come out when things are coming to an end.”

“That’s because I’m a NEET detective. No matter how arrogantly I leaned on an armchair, telling you my assumptions, I still have to fill my hands full of blood in the end. If I didn’t do so, I would only come into contact with the world of the dead forever.”

Alice said with a pained voice, her lips turning purple. I didn’t understand what she was saying. Yondaime placed his hand on his forehead and shaked his head.

“We’ve surrounded them, but not even one person came out. However, it was so quiet in there since an hour ago that it makes people feel uncomfortable.”

Yondaime used his chin to point at the four-storey building beside the parking lot.

“Have you entered it?”

“Didn’t you say that I can’t enter? We’ve confirmed that there’s at least six people in there. Hey! So we can attack right now, right? You should remember that we’ve waited for a few hours already.”

“No, Toshi is our partner.”

“Do you think I would specially forgive anyone?”

“I don’t think so, so……” Alice hid behind Tetsu-senpai. “So Tetsu will accept Judgment in place of Toshi.”

A shocked expression appeared on Tetsu-senpai’s face. He heaved a sigh after his body stiffened for awhile.

“Saying something like ‘I’ve got a plan’…… So that’s how it is.”

Like they’ve confirmed with each other in advance, Yondaime sighed too.

The said Judgment of Hirasaka-gumi is really just a fight.

“Oioioioi! Sou-san and Tetsu-san are having a fight to the finish!”

“How’s the results right?”

“Forty three wins, forty nine losses, and three draws.”

“Then isn’t the result clear already?”

“Okay, I’ll bet five thousand on Sou-san.”

“I’ll bet ten thousand on Tetsu-san!” “You traitor!” “There’s no choice, how could the bet continue if I don’t do that?” “If that’s the case, toughen up a bit, Tetsu-san.”

The black shirted men suddenly started a bet.

“Oi! You guys—” Yondaime hurriedly tried to stop them, but it was too late. They’ve already decided on the dealer, and started to bet. Yondaime’s followers formed a human wall, forming a temporary boxing ring at the center of the parking lot. Alice sneakily walked away from Tetsu-senpai’s back, and only senpai and Yondaime were left in the centre to face each other.

“Oh, forget it. This type of idiotic end is just our style.”

Senpai laughed wryly while tying bandages on his fists.

With a bitter face, Yondaime bit back the words that he was going to say, took of his jacket and threw it behind him.

“Sou-san, please use your secret technique!” “Tetsu-san, I’m leaving my ten thousand to you!”

The lackey’s rough cheering interlaced together. I was dumbfounded for a moment because of the idiotic end. Alice pulled the hem of my jacket.

“Narumi, we’re going in, so don’t space out. Major, hurry up and open the lock.”

“Ehhh? But Tetsu-senpai is stil……”

“Do you even have to ask? That’s just a diversion. If you really wait until Yondaime goes in, he won’t hear anyone’s words.”

Major was already taking out the tools for opening the lock. Yondaime’s voice echoed over. So we’ve still been noticed huh?

“Oi! Alice! You let me wait for so long, and then you’re going in by yourself?”

Alice slowly turned over and pointed at Yondaime.

“Oh? You’re not giving up on the God’s Judgment that has already started, are you?”

“But……”

Tetsu-senpai, who had already prepared his battle stance, smiled wryly while shortening his distance with Yondaime. Yondaime could only unwillingly raise his fists.

“Oi! You guys go too!” Yondaime ordered his followers beside him while keeping his eyes on Tetsu-senpai.

“……. Eh? No no no, this match really can’t be missed.”

“We’ll regret it forever if we missed it.”

“My ten thousand.”

“Shut up! You idiots hurry up and go! If only they went in, what if something happens?”

At the instant when the steel door was pried open, a strange smell rushed over and stimulated our senses— it was the smell of a type of plant, the choking, bitter and fresh smell of a plant. It was a familiar smell to me. Among the ten other people who went into the building, only I was familiar with the smell, as though it was still lingering in my mouth. As soon as we entered, we saw a cramped, dusty hall, and quite a few ragged sofas piled at a corner, as if it was an abandoned hospital.

“Alice, why don’t you just wait in the car?”

Hiro said in a low murmur. Alice pressed her bear forcefully onto my back, and shook her head while holding on to me. I turned my head over, and I could see that she looked even more terrible than just now.

“Do you want me to continue living completely without coming in contact with this world? Don’t joke with me.”

The black shirted men passed by us an ran to the stairs.

“Four of you search the first floor.

“Can be just beat them up if we see anyone?”

“You’re being too aggressive!”

Footsteps echoed in the building.

I looked at my palm again. The feeling of being cut open both physically and mentally is still lingering in my body. The feeling will never disappear now. Do I have to continue to live, being imprisoned in a body that is not mine? Being unable to use my own hand to touch any object.

The basement was a large, cubical space. There were facilities for factories used for manufacturing set up in the whole of the building. Walking down the stairs, the appearance of the factory could be seen from the handrail. The machines arranged side by side with its back to the walls were like large fridges, sandbags were carelessly piled up at a corner, the table was full of test tubes, and the flashing fluorescent light lit up the room uncomfortably. Water kept dripping into the sink from the open tap. The air of the basement was filled with a familiar smell. Hiro, Major and the black shirted men frowned, used their sleeves to cover their noses, and walked down the stairs.

Black sofas that had their legs cut off were arranged in a line as a replacement for a beds, and quite a few men were stacked together on it.

It was like an elephant had a rampage in the room, as quite a few racks were lying down on the floor. A man used his white robe as a blanket, sitting on a slanted rack, tiredly leaning his back against the bare cement wall, while fragments of glass were scattered around his feet.

“Heh……”

The man slowly raised his head, looked at me— no, Alice, who was behind me, and showed us a disgusting smile. He was very much different from my memory of his appearance, and also the photos that Alice found. His hair so long that it touched his collar, his face was sunken, while his widened eyes behind his glasses looked like they almost dropped out.

But I immediately knew that he was Hakamizaka Shirou.

“What a delicate angel. Are you Alice?”

Hakamizaka laughed piercingly at the faraway ceiling.

“I’ve heard about you from Shinozaki…… You’re really a child. I’ve never thought that you would find us so quickly, it’s so delightful.”

Hiro pushed me away and went closer to Hakamizaka to ask: “Hey! Where’s Toshi?”

“Probably somewhere over there! He took quite a lot too, I’m not sure if he’s alive or dead. Hmph, of course, we, ourselves, should enjoy our last stocks.”

A chill came over my back.

This guy is hopeless.

All of the things in this room has already died.

Hiro and two back shirted men walked past the fallen racks and tables, and walked towards the room. Moans came from a sandbag nearby.

“Toshi! Hey! Toshi! Get a hold of yourself! Can you puke them out? Hurry up and throw up!”

Hiro said in a pained voice.

“Oi! Get some water here.”

It was the flustered footsteps of the black shirted men. Hakamizaka looked at the small commotion and laughed through his nose.

Alice tightly held my arms.

“Hakamizaka Shirou, do you think that your experiment has succeeded?”

Facing Alice’s questions, Hakamizaka raised his eyebrow.

“Of course it’s a success, doesn’t it seem like a success to you? Haven’t everyone seen the real world? An in reality, some people had been taken away by the angels too. Angel Fix used its own power to form a spreading system cycle, could other medicine do this? Only I did it! Thus, my experiment is a success! I’ve succeeded!”

The uncomfortable laughter that was like the sounds of someone scratching his back came again. I don’t want to hear him talk, and don’t want to even hear his voice anyone. Anyone, just hurry up and take him away.

But Alice asked again.

“…… Do you think Ayaka is a successful case too?”

“Ayaka?”

“Toshi’s sister.”

Hakamizaka’s eyes lost its focus.

“Ahhh…… That couldn’t be helped. She realized the truth of the flowers, and said that she was going to call the police, so I could only force her to take the pills. Now…… She fell into a coma…… right?”

“You’ve forced her to take it?” Major jumped onto the rack, grabbing Hakamizaka’s collar.

` “So what? Not taking it is a sin.”

Hakamizaka’s answer started to become garbled.

“Alice, can I try the interrogation methods of the People’s Liberation Army on him?”

“Major, stop that. Don’t dirty your knife with his flesh and blood.”

I subconsciously held Alice’s hand tightly.

It’s a simple thing, there’s no mystery.

Ayaka was just unable to take the hallucinations brought by the drug anymore, so she jumped off the building.

It’s that simple.

The Fix amplified her guilt for planting the flowers that were used as the raw material that were used for manufacturing the drug, causing Ayaka to be engulfed by her own guilt.

Hakamizaka’s voice echoed in my empty mind.

“I feel sorry for her too, as I didn’t mean to kill her at first.”

“And you’re saying you didn’t mean to kill here?” Major interrupted with a livid voice. Even so, Hakamizaka continued to mutter.

“Shinozaki was a good girl. She thought that I’m a specialist of poppy flowers, and chatted happily with me about gardening. I’ve planned to give her money as payment, but she only said that it’s okay if I gave her flowers……”

“Flowers?”

Alice took half a step out from my back.

“Ayaka said that she wanted flowers?”

“That’s right. She said that she needed a lot of the same flower, so from the time she started to plant, she’ve probably planted about a thousand or so?”

“What flower is it?”

“It’s a weed called long-headed poppy, quite a nice flower! She had the same interest as me. It’s a pity that she went to hell. Occasionally, there would be people who mistake the angel as a reaper, those people are not qualified to pass through the radiant door.”

Hakamizaka’s glared at me.

“…… You’re the same……. You took the pills, right? Haha, it’s as I’ve said. It’s such a pity, but unlike you, I’ll be taken to the heavens!”

His words chilled me to the marrows.

As Hakamizaka have said, I felt regret.

I couldn’t reach the light, and couldn’t catch the angel’s hand. I have already lost it, and I will never have the chance ever again. What took its place is an emptiness that was like a dry darkness sticking to my hands.

“You…… What do you want to do?”

I really don’t need to ask, but my mouth acted without permission. Hakamizaka’s eyebrows twitched like a mutated organism.

“Having seen it with your own eyes, shouldn’t you already understand? Get it? There’s a door at the other side of the dazzling whirlwind, it’s a heavy door made of mahogany, and is always open for about two centimeters, and you could see the other side from there.”

Hakamizaka’s screeching voice became even more high-pitched.

“It’s nighttime, an eternal night. It is like Greece from four thousand and five hundred years ago. The time forms a cycle, and flows eternally. The moon shines on the bricks that were corroded and mottled because of the sea breeze, and everyone are singing side by side on the pure white beach. I’ve tried to put my fingers onto the door, but I was dragged back here every time. I couldn’t reach it, as it couldn’t be reached without a pile of corpses below me. I’ll definitely be able to this time, this, time, definitely……”

I wanted to retort, but a fluffy thing was stuffed into my hands, interrupting my words. After handing the plushie to me, Alice walked out from my back. She walked to the gap between the fallen racks, reached the place where Hakamizaka was at and stared at his face.

“Can you see me? Who do I look like?”

“…… Angel……”

“That’s right, I’ve seen God’s Notepad. I saw the namelist that consists of a hundred and forty thousand and four thousand people, but I didn’t see your name on in.”

“…… Liar!”

“God did not summon you to his country, and didn’t even record your name. Just pass your last moments in this warm darkness! That is the eternal punishment that you deserve.”

“LIAR! LI- AR!”

Hakamizaka’s head sagged to the other side, his starkly pale Adam’s apple was visible in the darkness.

In the silence that was mixed with noise, Alice turned her head over. Her black dress fused with the darkness, and only her white face was faintly visible behind her veil.

“…… What did you say to him?” Major said with a tiny voice that was almost like the sound of him breathing.

“I didn’t say anything, because he made me angry, so I just said some empty words to upset the drug addict. How could we let these people off the hook?”

Alice returned to my side, and snatched away her doll from me, who was at a loss. She returned to my back again, and tightly held the sleeve of my shirt.

“Let’s go! Narumi, things have ended now.”

A low murmur came from behind me.

“All the clues have lined up in a straight line, there’s nothing left to see here. Just let Hirasaka-gumi handle the rest. My work is done, and there’s no room for a detective right now.”

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At the center of the parking lot that was dyed purple due to the setting sun, Yondaime and Tetsu-senpai sat face to face with their foreheads and fists close together. I really have no idea what they’re doing. The two probably had a huge fight, huh? A few red scratches could be seen on their face, and their clothes were filthy. The bodyguards Rocky and Pole went closer to look, as if they were worried. When we had a closer look, we finally realized that they were finger wrestling.

“You guys are still at it…….”

Alice said with a surprised tone.

“You’re the one who told us to fight!”

“I will not give up so easily! You hit me about three punches more!”

Sounds of footsteps entered the parking lot, interrupting Yondaime and Tetsu-senpai’s extended match. Yondaime showed us a ferocious expression, patted away the sand on his knees and stood up.

Rocky asked: “So- Sou-san isn’t going to continue, what about the bet?” and was immediately beaten up by Yondaime! “Shut up!”

Almost all the members of Hirasaka-gumi who went into the building had came back. Major and Hiro were there, and even Toshi, who was leaning on Hiro’s elbow, was present.

Yondaime asked: “…… So?”

“There’s eight people in total. There weren’t anyone above the second floor, but almost all of them lost consciousness because of the drug. The only person who could talk is this guy.” One of the black shirted men pointed at Toshi with his chin.

“Have you called the ambulance yet?”

“Understood!”

Yondaime nodded. I thought, surprised: So he really will save people?

One of the lackeys said quietly to me: “It’s useless to hit the drug addicts who lost consciousness. We’ll have to wait till they’re out of the hospital to beat them up.” What a polite yakuza shonen.

“Then what about Toshi? Stop your meaningless fight.”

Yondaime shouted angrily at Hiro. Hiro shut his mouth, and slowly placed Toshi’s body onto the asphalt road.

Toshi was crying.

His eyes seemed that they’re conscious. His glasses were crooked, face swollen, saliva and tears flowing to his chin, and he was muttering to himself.

Do you have any right to cry? It was as though a viscous, cold magma-like liquid flowed into my empty body.

“Why…… Why did you save me? Just leave me alone……”

I could hear Toshi’s mutterings. Didn’t you ask us to save you yourself? Are you joking?

Yondaime glared at Alice, who was behind me.

“ ‘Your fists do not exist just to punch these pitiful people’, don’t try to tell me meaningless stuff like this.”

“I won’t say them. I don’t hate decay as much as I hate ignorance, but I still hate it. But Yondaime, is revenge really that important to you? Would your world collapse if you don’t take an eye for eye, and a tooth for a tooth?”

“Of course.” Yondaime immediately answered: “Don’t ask questions that you already know the answer for, there’s nothing more important in my world than revenge.”

“That’s right! This is really a dumb question.”

Alice looked as if she was smiling.

“But Yondaime, even so, revenge is not your mission this time. Do you get what I mean?”

A shocked expression suddenly appeared on Yondaime’s face, which turned into anger. In the end, he heaved a sigh and calmed down, scratching his head while saying:

“Ah— Oh— So that’s how it is. Damn it, you really are a troublesome person. I get it, I get it! I’ll just get back.”

Finally, the wolf gazed at me.

Putting on his jacket again, Yondaime turned his back to us.

“Gardening Club kid, there’s no time to ask anymore. Settle things before the ambulance is here.”

His words were like a signal, Tetsu-senpai and the black shirted men, everyone kept their distance from me. Me? Why me?

“Narumi!”

Alice, who stuck to my back, muttered.

“Just ask if you have anything to ask him, and just say if you have something to say. This is your request, so you should end things.”

And then the temperature of her body left my side.

The only people in the center of the circle were me, and the squatting Toshi.l

Something I want to ask?

Ayaka….. Did she have any last words?

Do I really want to know these kind of things? Don’t I already know the answer? She was blinded by the drug, so it’s impossible for her to think of me. If she have thought, if she had thought about me—

She shouldn’t just leave without saying anything.

“Oi, Narumi…… Give me the pills. There should be some there…… right? I’ve just puked them all out…… Blast……”

Toshi’s unpleasant mutterings were like bubbles that popped out from the bottom of mud, jumping on the surface of my consciousness, causing me to become nauseous.

“I can’t go on any more anyways……Just let me die. Trash like me- like me- is- is already…..”

I don’t have anything to ask, or anything I want to know. Even so, even so……

“…… stand up!”

My voice was garbled. It’s just a simple sentence, but it made pain course through my windpipe. Toshi looked at me as if he was about to melt.

“I’m telling you to stand up.”

Toshi was lying down unmoving on the asphalt road. I grabbed the back of his collar, and forcefully made him stand up. His body was so light that it’s scary.

“Narumi, do you need the bandages?”

Tetsu-senpai said behind me. I turned over and shook my head.

After that, I faced Toshi again, took half a step back, twisted my hips and punched.

At the instant when the punch landed on Toshi’s face, the bones of my fingers and my wrist lamented in agony, the numbing pain echoed in my skull. Toshi spitted out saliva that was mixed with blood and collapsed, lying down at the foot of the members of Hirasaka-gumi, who had formed a boxing ring. When you hit someone, you would feel pain yourself. I must use my own body and my bare fists, to confirm this simple fact again.

“Don’t sleep! Stand up!”

I caught hold of Toshi’s wrists, and stepped on his foot, making him stand up. My left fist punched at his abdomen, and his body curved in an arc after being punched. He flew backwards, and I landed a right punch on his chin. Severe pain spread through my whole body. Not only my fingers were dirty because of Toshi’s blood, my own bones might have fractured too. Because of my heartbeat, and even my eardrums were throbbing in pain. That is a real pain that belongs to my real world.

Someone placed his hand on my shoulder. I only realized that the unpleasant sound, was the sound of my shoulders heaving because of my ragged breathing. Toshi was lying down on the asphalt road, weeping while trembling.

“Narumi, that’s enough.”

Hiro’s gentle voice clearly rang on my back.

Tetsu-senpai and Major squatted down and carried Toshi.

Just like that, my sixteen year old winter came to an end like a long dream.

After waking up, my soul felt empty, even hitting other people couldn’t fill it up.

The siren of an ambulance could be heard in a distance. I looked downwards, unfeeling, my hands were full of blood, and my fingers could only open halfway. Those are my hands, my pain, my body, they’re finally back. It’s something that I have to continue to drag on and continue to go forward— myself.