Editing Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter6

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"Hey! Hurry up!” Haruki yelled at me and pulled my hand. Like that, I was dragged into the entrance hall. The first thing I noticed wasn't the chique decor, but the loud music. Why is someone playing foreign music so loudly in a semi-public space, and if they must play music, why Cher? Ignoring this assault to my ears, Haruki dragged me into the elevator, which had stopped at the ground floor. It’s just simple manners to stare silently at the floor numbers when riding an elevator, but…
 
"Hey! Hurry up!” Haruki yelled at me and pulled my hand. Like that, I was dragged into the entrance hall. The first thing I noticed wasn't the chique decor, but the loud music. Why is someone playing foreign music so loudly in a semi-public space, and if they must play music, why Cher? Ignoring this assault to my ears, Haruki dragged me into the elevator, which had stopped at the ground floor. It’s just simple manners to stare silently at the floor numbers when riding an elevator, but…
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^ Don’t know about this… I mean I’ve never heard of such manners when you’re in an elevator with friends, so it might just be me, but it seems weird.
   
 
"That Asakura..."
 
"That Asakura..."
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The old lady seemed rather pleased to be talking to a good-looking guy like Haruki.
 
The old lady seemed rather pleased to be talking to a good-looking guy like Haruki.
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^ Previous iteration didn’t make much sense and was kind of repeating earlier creepiness from old lady.
   
 
"Come to think of it, although I've often seen that handsome young boy, I don't recall ever seeing his parents. I remember the fine young man's called Ryou. Such a nice name. I was hoping he would at least come and say goodbye... it's such a pity. I forget how many times I invited him over for tea and a chat. But y’know, you're not bad yourself!”
 
"Come to think of it, although I've often seen that handsome young boy, I don't recall ever seeing his parents. I remember the fine young man's called Ryou. Such a nice name. I was hoping he would at least come and say goodbye... it's such a pity. I forget how many times I invited him over for tea and a chat. But y’know, you're not bad yourself!”
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"Hey, little lady!" the caretaker called to me only loud enough for me to hear. “That boy’s a looker,” she whispered, “he’ll grow up to be a nice man. If I was just my granddaughter’s age, I’d go for him in a heartbeat, so don’t let him get away! Tame him, and you’ll be set for life.”
 
"Hey, little lady!" the caretaker called to me only loud enough for me to hear. “That boy’s a looker,” she whispered, “he’ll grow up to be a nice man. If I was just my granddaughter’s age, I’d go for him in a heartbeat, so don’t let him get away! Tame him, and you’ll be set for life.”
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^ Previous iteration was Ew. Old People Dirty Talk is no good.
   
 
The old woman was obviously senile. What I was worried about was what sort of terrible reaction Haruki, who might have overheard all that, would have. Yet he silently continued moving forward, and so I remained silent as well and followed him out of the building.
 
The old woman was obviously senile. What I was worried about was what sort of terrible reaction Haruki, who might have overheard all that, would have. Yet he silently continued moving forward, and so I remained silent as well and followed him out of the building.
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“…Fine.”
 
“…Fine.”
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^ Original seemed WAY out of place and definitely a bit random.
   
 
As we walked towards an open area in the middle of the shopping centre, Itsuko looked at me and said, "There's still time for you to change your mind, you know. It’d probably be simpler just to go back and try on the dress."
 
As we walked towards an open area in the middle of the shopping centre, Itsuko looked at me and said, "There's still time for you to change your mind, you know. It’d probably be simpler just to go back and try on the dress."
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"So you brought me here just to see this? There's not even anybody here!" Can I go home now?
 
"So you brought me here just to see this? There's not even anybody here!" Can I go home now?
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^ I think it would be better to not mention the dress at all in this crazy esper scene. It distracts and right now I can’t figure out a way to naturally fit the reference to it.
   
 
"No, the real fun will begin soon. It's about to start."
 
"No, the real fun will begin soon. It's about to start."
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At this point, we were at the shop that had the yellow dress... Itsuko, predictably, made me try it on and despite my protests, it did look good, so I bought it. I might've thanked her if she hadn't been so persistent about me trying it on, even if she was right.
 
At this point, we were at the shop that had the yellow dress... Itsuko, predictably, made me try it on and despite my protests, it did look good, so I bought it. I might've thanked her if she hadn't been so persistent about me trying it on, even if she was right.
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^ Too much Yuri-ness, must be more subtle
   
 
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