Editing Talk:Mushi:Vol2 Open

My opinion on edits made here. Since stuff has changed, there are obviously disagreements somewhere, so we need to discuss it. 

Line 1: Concerning this small event… 

-IMO sounds way too formal. The phrase isn’t even that important, so can we just stuff a short word there like I did?
how should one describe it...?—It

-I’m pretty sure you’re not allowed to use an ellipse, question mark, and dash all in a row. I think the questioning tone is implicit with the sentence even without the question mark, so there should only be an ellipse or a dash there.
 

Line 19: She smiled with some faint loneliness

-The word faint was meant to describe the smile, not loneliness, I think…

Rinne had finished the cleaning duty she was assigned to do

-I think this is getting a bit redundant. Cleaning by itself if both a duty and something that you do, so adding both duty and to do is a bit excessive IMO. At least something should be cut…
 

Line 51: Rinne’s expression showed a slight uncertainty as she bowed her head in apology towards Katsumi.

-Do we really need to say the bow was in apology when the next line has her saying sorry? Note: I’m not looking at the Chinese when I’m writing this.
 

Line 71: “Which part?”

-IIRC the original had Rinne being confused enough that she didn’t ask such a coherent question. 

 
Line 119: She was a friend, more important than basically anyone else.

-It feels to me like the comma there implies that Katsumi was important because friends in general are more important than other people. I think, with the comma gone, it means something more like, “Katsumi was really important, and she was also a friend”, which IIRC is more accurate in regards to the Chinese.
 

Line 133: What to say now? Rinne had always felt that this kind of personality tends to put her at a disadvantage with people.

-I’m pretty sure it was Katsumi who thought that Rinne’s personality lead to disadvantages.
 

Line 175: Rudely and without cause, an unreasonable shiver shot down Katsumi’s back.

-Isn’t it a bit redundant so have “without cause” and “unreasonable” together, considering they mean basically the same thing?

 
Line 191: the existence that had cheerfully called out to her was not a resident of the world humans couldn't understand with their logic.

-Not sure what happened here, the “couldn’t” should be a could. 

It was an existence not meant to be seen during a lifetime, and was merely something that one might pass by.

-Can someone explain these changes to me? I feel like I like my version better but I’m not sure why.


Line 213: Her hair was tied into two rather short pigtails, and because her overly bright smile she revealed a row of white teeth, and her eyes shone incomprehensibly.

-I don’t like the two “ands” in the same sentence. Perhaps break it into two sentences after talking about the pigtails? (For the record, even I can’t understand what I was thinking when I typed up my version. It makes no sense to me.)

 
Line 221: However...

-Let’s keep the single period over the ellipse, which IIRC was how the Chinese had it. It still conveys the same meaning, but the period implies an abruptness which I assume was intended.
 

Line 295: --Behind her stood the girl who remained innocent looking and had a happy face.

-Changing had to kept would be better I think.

The invisible arms that grabbing her shoulders simply and purely inflicted blind destruction upon Katou Katsumi’s body.

-Um, the “that” shouldn’t be there.

Her blood splattered everywhere. Her bones were long since crushed to smithereens, and were miraculously mashed together with pieces of flesh—

-I think we should take out “miraculously” to avoid implying that bones being mashed with flesh would be a miracle.

Long-Armed Demon’s face did not reveal the slightest guilt at committing Katsumi’s murder

-Does English let people say “commit someone’s murder”? I’ve never seen anything like it. Anyway, unless the Chinese specified Katsumi there (can’t remember), there shouldn’t be a reason for us to have it there.
 

Line 385: I am only the digestive organ

-“A” instead of “the” is better I think.

  
General note: can we please romanize the names like Long-Armed Demon instead of translating them? They sound so weird when I can understand them. And Sterilization Disinfection is sooooo long.

 [[User:Cakemanofdoom|Cakemanofdoom]] 17:42, 15 May 2011 (UCT)