Editing Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume1 Chapter5

== Part 1 ==
I'll start out by opening two things for discussion. --[[User:Dohma|Dohma]] ([[User talk:Dohma|talk]]) 07:32, 23 July 2013 (CDT)

'''Orba, not losing out in being irritated...''' (オルバも負けず苛立っていたのは)<br>
I can’t find a good English equivalent. What it means is that Orba didn’t lose from Fedom in being irritated. Is there a better way to put this?

'''“Theresia, how old did you become?”''' (テレジアは、いくつになったのだったか？)<br>
I first thought it was to be supposed Theresia's birthday or something, but it's a more polite way of saying 'how old are you?'. Basically 'how old have you become (over the years)'. If someone has a better way of saying it like this, please tell me.

:For the first, I would suggest "Orba, no less irritated"; also, as an incidental note, that would be 'didn't lose to Fedom in being irritated' rather than 'didn't lose from Fedom in being irritated'.  For the second, I suspect "How old are you now?" is slightly better than 'How old are you?', as it preserves the 'acknowledgement of the other having been a different age at a previous meeting', whereas 'How old are you?' is more appropriate when meeting someone for the first time. -[[User:Multipartite|Multipartite]] ([[User talk:Multipartite|talk]]) 08:04, 23 July 2013 (CDT)

Those are great suggestions Multipartite.[[User:Tasear|Tasear]] ([[User talk:Tasear|talk]]))

* I agree, thanks. I edited the text by your suggestions. --[[User:Dohma|Dohma]] ([[User talk:Dohma|talk]]) 09:18, 29 July 2013 (CDT)


I guess I should post the responses to your inlines here from now on. And what better way to take a break from translating than to edit! Well, Chapter 2 is......slowly coming along. --[[User:Detalz|Detalz]] ([[User talk:Detalz|talk]]) 20:43, 30 July 2013 (CDT) <br/>
'''Thinking it was surely important for people to look at oneself, something seemed to trouble her heart.''' Raw: 振り返ればあれは確かに本人たちにとっては大事だったのだと思える悩みに胸を焦がす、美しい少女の姿。
*振り返る is a conjugated verb meaning 'to turn around, to turn one's head'. Here's a rough translation from my part, "It was apparent to anyone who so much as turned around that she was worriedly longed for something precious to her; it was the form of a beautiful girl."  (Note: You might have moved 'beautiful girl' part to the previous sentence.)
:* Yeah, I split the sentence in two and moved the 'beautiful girl' part up front because that was what the beginning of the sentence refers to. I combined the sentences again and used your suggestion. Thanks. --[[User:Dohma|Dohma]] 


''“Well… when you reach the latter half of your forties, you eventually stop counting. Then it’s natural to look forward to continue on at that age forever.”''
*There's nothing wrong here, but consider using 'normal' in place of 'natural' for certain instances of 当然. It might be me, but the author overuses it more than necessary.
:* No you're right, the author uses other terms a lot too (I actually just think it's the difference between Japanese and English) that will sound strained if you keep translating them 'correctly'. --[[User:Dohma|Dohma]] 

'''“As for tomorrow, you’ll do anything I say even if it’s a depressing play. Don’t let me receive a scolding because of you before the first battle – after that you can get carried away and do whatever you want. So, I’m going! You’ll be occupied, don’t you think?”'''
*Pretty sure it's Orba, and not Fedom speaking. That's why you're so confused. I recommend "Scoot scoot. You're a busy man, right?" for the last two sentences.
:* I was actually unsure whether it was Orba or Fedom saying this sentence. The second sentence puzzled me, so I opted for Fedom. However, Orba being the one speaking makes more sense and I somehow made it work. --[[User:Dohma|Dohma]] 

Sorry to bother everyone. "But when his eyes made contact with flagship’s captain" This is what the original reads. I believe that it should read "But when his eyes made contact with the flagship’s captain" because the word "flagship" isn't the name of the ship it needs the definite article "the". Please correct me if I'm wrong. - [[User:shirofune|shirofune]]
*Don't worry about bothering us. Discussions of revisions are welcome, and you're free to post them here is you're unsure. You were right, and it was probably just a typo on Dohma's part. Thanks for fixing it. --[[User:Detalz|Detalz]] ([[User talk:Detalz|talk]]) 19:33, 31 July 2013 (CDT)

== Part 2 ==

There's some expressions in this chapter which I could use a little help on suggestions. --[[User:Dohma|Dohma]] ([[User talk:Dohma|talk]]) 15:25, 2 August 2013 (CDT)

*「ああ、'''あいわかり申した'''」 'Ahh, I understand'
:It's actually much more polite, like 'duly understood'. But the latter feels a bit strange in this context, because Fedom is higher in rank than the one he speaks to. Leaving it like this could also just be fine. It's just that Fedom speaks rather politely when talking with certain people, and rather impolitely when talking to others - especially Orba.
:*"Ahh, your words have been received," is the only other possible phrase I can think of. It is a litte indirect, but can be considered more polite. My guess for his being polite, is because Oubary carries a message from the emperor, and to be rude to a messenger is to insult the person who sent it. --[[User:Detalz|Detalz]] 

:*About the "Ahh, I understand" bit, I believe it is natural that Fedom is polite because Oubary is also in the same room within earshot. It would arouse suspicion if Fedom were impolite because at that time Orba was still pretending to be the prince. Please correct me if I'm wrong because I don't know a word of Japanese. ~[[user:shirofune|shirofune]]

::* Looked it up some more, but Fedom is not being overly polite after all, he's just being formal - which isn't strange considering the circumstances. あいわかり (相分かる) is just a more formal way of saying I understand but with the explicit meaning that you comprehend something. 申した is a formal way of saying "I do". So he says something like 'I do understand', and he's saying it this way to indicate that he understands they can't go to the banquet because the Emperor's letter is of more importance here. I like "your words have been received" but I think it strays too far from the original meaning, so I simply made a minor change to "Ah yes, I understand." The subtle formality will be a bit lost in the translation, but that's probably how people would react in English as well. --[[User:Dohma|Dohma]]

 
*「'''頼む'''」 'Leave it to me'
:It's a rather free translation. It could mean 'leave it to me', 'count on me', 'rely on me' or anything in this regard. I'm assuming it's Oubary saying this, but it could also be Orba I suppose (then it would be 'I'll rely on you'). However, in that case I suspect it would have been よろしく instead, and it wouldn't have been on a separate line.
:*I think Orba is one who says it. The reason for the different line is probably because of a pause between "Yeah..." and "I'll leave it to you." Also, Orba speaks this way because he knows he has to act the role of the prince just as Fedom wants to, in the presence of others. If it were Oubary speaking, 任せる would have been much more appropriate. I can't actually imagine a person of lower rank saying 頼む to one of higher rank. --[[User:Detalz|Detalz]]
::* Yeah, Orba saying this fits better. And 頼む sort of comes off as a way of saying 'thanks' which would be strange in Orba's regard. Changed it. --[[User:Dohma|Dohma]]

*'''勝ち残り''' 'taking the leftover fights'
:Also see the reference note. It’s a term for someone who wins by laying low and then take the finishing blow when necessary, like a kill-stealer. Suggestions for a nice English idiom or expression are welcome.
:*I actually like it the way it is. The only idioms I can think of remotely close to this are "taking the easy way out" and "reaping other's rewards".  --[[User:Detalz|Detalz]]
::* I'll keep it like this then, and leave the reference note for those interested. --[[User:Dohma|Dohma]]

*'''へそを曲げられて'''も、のちのち厄介だ 'It’ll be troublesome in the future, if I get him angry.'
:Literally 'to bend someone’s bellybutton', which means ‘to make someone angry/irritated’. Does anyone have a nice English idiom for this? Because just leaving it like this doesn't really give much credit to the original in my opinion. I considered 'ruffle one's feathers' but that seems a little too mild in this case.
:*You could consider "get on his bad side" or "get under his skin." --[[User:Detalz|Detalz]] 
::* "get under his skin" was what I was looking for, thanks!  --[[User:Dohma|Dohma]]

'''Oubary was having cold sweat under his clothes''' 服の下にじっとりと冷たい汗を搔いていた
It says this literally (Oubary had damp cold sweat running under his clothes), but 'under his clothes' sounds a bit strange in my opinion. [[User:Dohma|Dohma]]
*Yea, it definitely sounds weird worded like that. I would go with something like "He secretly broke off into a cold sweat."  --[[User:Detalz|Detalz]] ([[User talk:Detalz|talk]]) 20:54, 13 August 2013 (CDT)
:* Then I'll go with that. But, just to make sure, isn't it "break out in a cold sweat"? --[[User:Dohma|Dohma]] ([[User talk:Dohma|talk]]) 07:43, 14 August 2013 (CDT)
::*Yep, that's the original phrase. I like to use "broke off" for past tense, since it usually implies it was triggered by some event. "He was secretly breaking out into a ocld sweat" or the one above, because the idiom can also be used to describe perspiration while ill or with related sleep troubles. So I like to make that minor indication by changing 'out' to 'off'. Either one works. --[[User:Detalz|Detalz]] ([[User talk:Detalz|talk]]) 12:12, 14 August 2013 (CDT)
<hr>

Hello, reader here/wandering editor. In this sentence: “It might be an idea to send an envoy during the march, in the crown prince’s name.” I think the context implies that an adverb is used before '''idea'''. I am not sure which exact adverb it is but it should be ''better'' or ''safe''. So it will look like “It might be a '''better''' idea to send an envoy during the march, in the crown prince’s name.” or “It might be a '''safer''' idea to send an envoy during the march, in the crown prince’s name.” I just noticed this and is totally up to you guys to change it or leave it. Thanks for translating this interesting Light Novel.[[User:Stratos|Stratos]] ([[User talk:Stratos|talk]]) 07:42, 18 August 2013 (CDT)

* The raw literally says 'sending an envoy in the crown prince's name may (also) be one of our hands' (皇太子の御名で使者を送るのも手のひとつでしょう), but it is sort of said as a suggestion and there's no English equivalent for this usage of 'hand', which is why I translated it as 'it might be an idea'. But looking back on it now, "One option might be... etc." probably fits the situation better. Thanks for the comment. --[[User:Dohma|Dohma]] ([[User talk:Dohma|talk]]) 05:26, 19 August 2013 (CDT)

== Part 3 ==

non-commissioned officer (下士官)
* In Edo-Japan this was a term for one who was enlisted as an officer, but not of noble birth. I believe it’s also the highest rank a commoner could get. I’m  not sure if it’s the same, or if he’s just one rank lower than an officer in Mephian terms. Non-commissioned officer sounds a bit strange I think (but it's what my dictionary says, next to 'petty officer' and 'enlisted officer'), but I wonder if there's a better English equivalent. Suggestions anyone?

He wasn’t able to make a move with the situation unclear on '''whoever bound his hands and feet, and whoever was pulling the strings'''.
'''誰がいつ自分の手足になってくれるのか、誰がいつ自分の手足を逆に引っぱるのか'''、それもはっきりしない状態では動きようがなかった。
* I actually translated this very freely because I didn't really understand the above expression in bold, this sounded best in my opinion considering the context.
::"He wasn’t able to make a move with the situation unclear on who would become his hands and feet, and who would instead tie them up."; a more free translation might be "He wasn’t able to make a move with the situation unclear on who would become his limbs, and who would instead pull his legs out from under him.".  To become someone's 手足 is like becoming their eyes--namely, to act according to their will and so doing aid them.  The '逆に' is 'by contrast', and to (strongly) pull on one's limbs is like ashimatoi, namely (metaphorically) hindering one's free movement.  He doesn't know who he can and can't rely on. -[[User:Multipartite|Multipartite]] ([[User talk:Multipartite|talk]]) 17:16, 21 August 2013 (CDT)
*I'm getting a similar translation, though I would recommend "those who dragged down his feet" or "those who weighed him down" if you want literal, or 'slow him down' for liberal. --[[User:Detalz|Detalz]] ([[User talk:Detalz|talk]]) 18:55, 21 August 2013 (CDT)

An anon edit changed emigrate to immigrate.  I understand why he or she might have done this, because it's more natural sounding to say "emigrate ''from''" or "immigrated ''to''".  Both work fine to some degree, however, I would argue that the correct usage depends on the frame of reference and emphasis on either leaving or arriving.  In this case, the emphasis is that they left from Earth to an undefined location.  Because the destination is undefined, I would say the original word choice of "emigrate to" is correct.  Whether I'm right or wrong, this a more subtle issue, so I wanted to allow for any discussion before reverting that change.  Also, whenever I or someone else corrects (or not) the emigrate issue, 'analyzed' should also be changed back to BE analysed. --[[User:Cthaeh|Cthaeh]] ([[User talk:Cthaeh|talk]]) 21:11, 27 November 2013 (CST)

== Anti-gravity ships confusion: ==

Given that gravity is weaker the further you get from the planet, and ether flows from the sun, why does the text say 'Of course[...]the more it rises in altitude, the more the power to repel gravity loses its strength.'?  This doesn't seem to follow.  An explanation would be welcome.  *puzzlement*  -[[User:Multipartite|Multipartite]] ([[User talk:Multipartite|talk]]) 18:09, 21 August 2013 (CDT)
*The ether isn't created from sunlight alone, but formed upon a reaction once it hits and gets absorbed into the waters. You can think of it as mining for oil, where you first mine crude oil, and purify it to a point where it's usable and sell it. The sunlight here is the 'raw material' that can't be used until it hits the waters. Therefore, natural 'ether' emanates from the waters, which the higher the ship flys, the further it gets away from its source. But that is to say, I doubt they have a 'ether generator' that collects surrounding ether, just as they don't have solar panels on the ships to collect energy from the sun. It's more of, ether works more efficiently closer to the conditions it was created....probably :P. It might be better if the sentence was reworded a bit though, "He discovered that the mechanism involved a substance that poured down from the sun and vaporized into the sea, had an entirely different nature."  --[[User:Detalz|Detalz]] ([[User talk:Detalz|talk]]) 18:55, 21 August 2013 (CDT)
::Ahh, I see!  Thank you very much for the explanation!  I saw the part about vaporisation, but though it meant losing its properties.  Plausibly there's a lot of vaporised ether in the lower atmosphere (down to the ground) like clouds/mist, and like an airplane flying above the clouds trouble occurs if one climbs to less dense strata...  For the last sentence, perhaps "He discovered that the mechanism involved a substance that poured down from the sun and took an an entirely different nature when vaporized by the sea."? -[[User:Multipartite|Multipartite]] ([[User talk:Multipartite|talk]]) 15:15, 22 August 2013 (CDT)

:* Also, the impression I got from the raw is that more ether is needed to float in higher, which seems legit; which is why it loses in strength to repel the earth's gravity. Also I'm not entirely sure if the ether gets collected while it's in flight, or if it's collected beforehand and stored in replica-artefacts. I believe it's the latter. I'll look into the explanation again later and see if I can word it better. --[[User:Dohma|Dohma]] ([[User talk:Dohma|talk]]) 08:51, 23 August 2013 (CDT)

== Suggested revisions and discussion of style ==

Here are the sentences I would suggest for further revision.  Also, the first two items are examples of matters of general style that I'd like to get your opinions/instructions on.  And as always, thanks for the translations, --[[User:Cthaeh|Cthaeh]] ([[User talk:Cthaeh|talk]]) 21:07, 22 September 2013 (CDT)

<hr>

'''I'm going to pull these first two out of the proper order to use them as examples to discuss issues of style:'''

The cavalry and the dragonriders atop the small-sized dragons guarded all directions, while in the centre, surrounded by the soldiers on foot, the imperial and royal family members moved in coaches.
:*I already deleted a comma after cavalry, but I would also propose rearranging the last half to "while the imperial and royal family members moved in coaches at the centre, surrounded by the soldiers on foot."
:*This proposed revision is an example of something that I have occasionally edited without bringing up for discussion when I could do so with minimal changes.  But since it's technically an issue of style, I wanted to bring it up for discussion before I do so anymore.  The stylistic change I've made is rearranging the pieces of the sentence such that the sentence has a more linear structure that doesn't require the use of as many commas.  The sentence is technically correct, so such changes are actually a matter of style.  But I think sentences that are highly fragmented by commas tend to be unnatural sounding in English.  I was under the impression that sentence fragmentation in general is often a remnant of the structure of the sentence in Japanese, but I suppose it could be the intentional style for this project.  So my question are: Is the sentence fragmentation an intentional style?  And if not, is it alright if I continue to defragment sentences without posting them on the discussion page when I can do so with minimal changes? (Apologies for doing it previously without asking)
::* I do not mind you changing this. When I'm translating I'm in the Japanese-kind of mode and although I do change the sentence structure myself at times, it isn't always the best option; I tend to keep the Japanese clauses intact (I mainly change the Japanese Subject-Object-Verb style to the English Subject-Verb-Object) which probably reflects to this fragmented style and only when I find the sentence to confusing do I further change the flow. However, if can improve sentence structure/flow I'll only encourage you to do so. So far I agree with your revisions, so I don't mind giving you clearance and let you keep this up. Besides, if I really don't like a change I'll just change it back and open it up for discussion. Thanks for your work. --[[User:Dohma|Dohma]] ([[User talk:Dohma|talk]]) 05:59, 25 September 2013 (CDT)

Anyhow, the vehicles that have the ability to suspend above ground and go through the sky on this planet, like the airships and air frigates, aren’t science, but an inheritance from the magic that Zodias gave birth to.
:*This is another question of style, but in this case I think I've left it as is in my edits thus far.  In this sentence, general information is given in the present tense, even though most of the narration is in the past tense.  Tense use is always a matter of style, and if I'm not mistaken becomes more complicated in translation because the style of narration and tenses in the original often does not match "typical" usage in English.  My impression of the most common English style for third person narration, which is mostly what is used in this project, is that everything is in the past tense.  For first person and second person narration, where the narrator is a person in the world of the story, it is more common to use the present tense for general descriptions of the world such as this example.  However, the tense use and narration is always a matter of style, and it is not really wrong to do it any particular way.  So just to get it explicit guideline for the future, what are your thoughts on the tense for this and other similar general descriptions?  I favor past tense for everything, but from the fact you've used present tense so far, I'd guess you prefer it be present but I'm just double checking.
::* Well I actually had a similar discussion with someone else (I believe LoliDragon) about this who was in favour of using present tense in cases like this. Having read more Japanese books lately, I've noted t is also common practice there to write general information in present tense, mainly because it is still true for the present. Personally, I don't really know where to go with this. In earlier chapters I've tried to keep everything strict past tense to avoid confusion, and I've experimented a bit in this chapter with a combination of present and past in the part where the history of 'magic' is explained, what I assume is general knowledge in this world, but I have to admit I do not have a clear idea on when it's actually better to do so. So, I suppose I will go back to my initial statement and keep everything in past tense - mainly because this is a fictional tale in a fictional land, so I have no idea what kind of information is generally understood in that world and there doesn't seem to be a 'known' narrator (in a story with first-person perspective for example, it seems less strange to use present tense in certain cases). Besides, I think that avoiding confusion for the reader is an important task for translators and editors, and keeping everything in past tense seems best. I will probably mess up sometimes, and write something in present tense, so feel free to make changes when and where necessary. --[[User:Dohma|Dohma]] ([[User talk:Dohma|talk]]) 05:59, 25 September 2013 (CDT)

<hr>

'''Back to normal revision suggestions:'''

Ryucown cut off the heads of all the messengers, not even depending on the counsel from his own home country Garbera.
:*The "not even depending on the counsel" seems a little awkward to me.  I would replace it with "disregarding even the counsel" or "rejecting even the counsel".
::* Changed it to 'disregarding'

And that was the ulterior motive Fedom had. Originally, the written letters had urged him to return to his homeland, Birac. Simon alone had been assigned to be the prince’s support. However, Simon knew the prince’s nature very well. So, because he suspected there were concerns about the prince being a fake at the current campaign, other ‘support’ was necessary.
:*In the last sentence, I believe the "he suspected" refers to Fedom, but I was a little confused at first because the previous two sentences had Simon as the subject, so my first though was that "he suspected" was referring to Simon.  So possibly replacing "he" with "Fedom" would clarify it (if it's not just me that gets confused).
::* I've rewritten it.

Although I do hope you’re not doing that to bear the shock received from what happened at Seirin Valley.
:*I don't think it's a big issue, but "cope with the shock" might be more natural phrasing than "bear the shock"
::* Changed it.

she was the image of a beautiful girl in her puberty and whatnot
:*I feel like "whatnot" is very informal word choice that doesn't match the rest of the translation.  I don't really know what to replace it with though.
::* It's a bit confusing, I might have translated it wrong. Looking back it could also mean that she's a beautiful girl that 'looks to be in puberty but is not, and if so, she's not yet an adult either'. Not sure how to word that yet, but I'll make an attempt.

With his own country still negotiating with the Garberan side, no more than coming to conclude matters, there was nothing he could decide on without permission.
:*I wasn't really sure what "no more than coming to conclude matters" meant.
::* I've translated this a bit too literally. The word 以上 'more than' is used, but it could also mean 'beyond', as in 'beyond not coming to  conclude matters'. Translating it more freely, I get: "With his own country still negotiating with the Garberran side, not even coming close to conclude matters, there was nothing he could decide here without permission."

But foremost, Orba’s anger was at the nobles who controlled lives and destinies as they wished, so that they truly were not treated the same as the people surrounding them.
:*The last half "so that they truly were ..." seemed a little out of place.  There's nothing wrong, so maybe there's nothing to change, it just felt like they didn't link well together.
:: * I can only think of splitting the sentence: "...wished. Because of them, they truly were not treated the same as the people surrounding them." It's further from the original, but flows better.

They looked left and right in confusion at the prince’s sudden appearance, which he thought wouldn’t be so strange if Kain hadn’t been working on an escape plan for the night, and he laughed inwardly.
:*The sentence is constructed fine, I was just a little confused by the logic.  The normal behavior is to look left and right in confusion, which they did.  But then why is that behavior considered strange when Kain is working on an escape plan (which is how I interpreted the middle part of the sentence)?
::* You're right, there's a double negative here that complicated matters (Didn't think wouldn't be strange if Kain wasn't...). And カインなら 'if Kain...' can also be translated to 'considering Kain...'. I'll remove the overuse of negative tense to simplify matters. Changed it to: "[...], which he thought wasn't so strange considering Kain was working on an escape plan for the night..." so make it less confusing. 

Fedom’s anger, seemingly about to faint anytime soon, also directing his glare at Dinn, and Orba was about to dismiss the grand noble from his room.
:*I didn't quite understand what "seemingly about to faint" meant.  In addition, how the sentence is currently constructed has "Fedom's anger" as the subject performing the action "directing his glare", for which "Fedom" would be a better subject.
::* It literally says he's so angry that he 'seems about to faint/swoon anytime soon'. You're right about the subject. Changed it to: "Fedom, who seemed about to faint from anger anytime soon, also directed his glare at Dinn, and Orba..."

Placing gladiators directly under his control as soldiers for instance, although looking back, he couldn’t honestly say that he’d saved from the nobles.
:*I think it's missing a "them" in "he'd saved ___ from the nobles".  But I wasn't sure enough of the meaning to do it myself.  I was assuming that it meant although he saved the gladiators from the town's lord, but since he drafted them into the imperial guard, he wasn't really saving them.
::* You're absolutely right. Changed it.

It was decided that they attack the fortress on both sides, where Mephius would advance from the west, and Garbera from the right.
:*This could easily be perfectly right as is, but Mephius advances from a cardinal direction (west), but Garbera comes from the "right" which undescriptive without a frame of reference.  But that could just be how it is in the original.
::* No, I actually don't know why I wrote 'right', because the above sentence would imply that Garbera would attack from the east (if you consider the west to be 'left') but Garbera's actually attacking from the south.

''You should just leave everything to Oubary after this. Well, although at most, getting a ‘fair achievement for the prince’ will rattle my brains a little. I think it will be a difficult battle not to lose a single soldier.''
:*The middle sentence "rattle my brains" seems like it might have a more natural phrasing, but I can't think of one at the moment.  The last sentence phrasing seems a little awkward.  I interpreted it as something like "I think it will be difficult to get through this battle without losing any soldiers".  The structure of the current sentence makes the following interpretation come to mind, "I think it won't be too difficult to go through this battle without losing a single soldier", but that obvious has a completely different meaning from the actual sentence.
::* He thinks it's going to be 'a difficult battle/struggle' if he has to win without losing any soldiers; I forgot to translate the 'has to win' part.. Also, with 'rattle my brains' I meant that Oubary has to think hard on it for a while. Is 'rack my brains' better?
:::*I do think "rack my brains" would be better.  I actually misinterpreted the meaning as it is currently.  I thought it was saying that getting a ‘fair achievement for the prince’ would annoy him (rattle his brains), because he didn't want to be helping the prince.  However, with "rack my brains", the subject performing the action should be the person, so the sentence should be rearranged to something like "I will/might have to rack my brains a little to figure out how to get a ‘fair achievement for the prince’."  If you do adopt that new suggested phrasing for the rest of the sentence, then I think the "although at most" doesn't fit and should probably be reworded (I don't understand the intent well enough to suggest anything for that). - Cthaeh
::::* Used your suggestion. Thanks.

Thus, the young princess wielded in her fervent speech that they should turn him back to his righteous self.
:*The phrase "wielded in her fervent speech" seemed a little awkward, though it probably reflect the original phrasing.  Something that may be a little more natural might be "advocated with her fervent speech".  Or as a slightly larger change, replacing with "fervently advocated/argued" would probably be the most natural phrasing.
::* I like 'fervently advocated in her speech' so I'll use that.

“... They will also be prepared to face off against Ende, and they have the opportunity to place Garbera indebted to them with the current campaign.”
:*"to place Garbera indebted to them" seems to me to be unusual phrasing.  I would propose either "to place Garbera in their debt" or "to make Garbera indebted to them".
::* Used 'place Garbera in their debt'.

“It’s ''still'' fine. Because I was ''still'' waiting for exactly ''this'' moment to arrive.”
:*I think some of the awkwardness I feel from this sentence comes from the difficulty of what I assume is trying to match the emphasis placed on certain words in the original (the use of the word ''still'').  But other than that, I thought "I was ''still'' waiting for exactly ''this'' moment" would be better in the present tense as "I am ''still'' waiting for exactly ''that'' moment".  I thought the "moment" Orba is waiting for was when someone tries to kidnap the princess and kill the prince, in which case it hasn't happed yet, so "am still waiting" is more appropriate.  The current wording with past tense "was still waiting" makes it sound like the "moment" Orba is referring to has passed.
::* Orba puts emphasis on まだ 'still', and uses that twice. (Like: I ''am'' fine because I ''am'' waiting.) I retained the emphasis, but if it makes it awkward in English, it loses its use. Also, I agree that 'that' is better in this case, as well as the present tense. So I changed it.

For he had fully realized what it was had been lost to him before.
:* At the least I think it needs a "that" in "what it was ___ had been lost".  Or you could delete the "it was".
::* You're right, changed it.

However, some of it had little effect as the Mephius’ encampment was further from the fortress.
:*It's a small issue, but I feel like "much of it had little effect" would fit the context a little better than "some", if that's consistent with the intended meaning.
::* My bad, I misinterpreted a certain word. It should be: "But at any rate (or anyhow), it had little effect as..." or "But it had little effect anyhow, as..."

:: Thanks for the comments. --[[User:Dohma|Dohma]] ([[User talk:Dohma|talk]]) 05:59, 25 September 2013 (CDT)