Editing Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter7

I made most of my edits to chapter 7, but haven't done the comments yet, so those will follow in a week or so. After that, the only other thing that could be done is the Eng version of the color illustrations, if you wanted to. In this chapter, I made a terminology related change of Colyne to Klein based on the spelling used previously, since he didn't have an entry on the terminology page. Some names I noticed weren't on the terminology page: Odyne Lorgo, Klein Isphan, and Gary Lynwood.  Though it may simply be the case that all of the names won't make it onto that page since there are so many in the story.  --[[User:Cthaeh|Cthaeh]] ([[User talk:Cthaeh|talk]]) 20:03, 16 March 2014 (CDT)
:*Yep, thanks for the time to make the edits as always. I'm a crappy proofreader(especially when checking my own writing), so I really appreciate it. And the British spell check as well =). As for the terms, yea I decided to change some of them, but have already integrated the changes throughout the volume. I'll add them at a later date. As for Volume Illustrations...they're not important. *Ahem*(wait until Dohma bashes my translations first)*cough*. 
:*Whoops, I just realized that you had updated Klein->Colyne even before I edited this chapter; my thinking otherwise was due to me looking at out of date files on my pc.  Oh well, I undid that change of mine in this chapter, so it should all be consistent now. --[[User:Cthaeh|Cthaeh]] ([[User talk:Cthaeh|talk]]) 22:22, 23 March 2014 (CDT)

And that was a good volume. I wasn't intending to edit this chapter today, but couldn't stop reading after finishing chapter 6.  Thanks for translating, and for putting extra effort in on the quality (both by yourself and when dredging through my walls of text).  --[[User:Cthaeh|Cthaeh]] ([[User talk:Cthaeh|talk]]) 20:03, 16 March 2014 (CDT)


==Suggested Revisions==

Here are the comments generated along with my edits from last week. --[[User:Cthaeh|Cthaeh]] ([[User talk:Cthaeh|talk]]) 22:22, 23 March 2014 (CDT)
:*As always, thanks for the very helpful edits and in making this novel a better read! --[[User:Detalz|Detalz]] ([[User talk:Detalz|talk]]) 23:19, 24 March 2014 (CDT)

===Part 1===

On whose deed is this?
*It seemed like it should be "Whose deed is this?" or keeping 'on', something like "On whose command is this?"
:*Well, I don't really have my way with words, but the raws used a word that could be translated as 'deed' or 'doing' here. It's different from command/order in this context, in that it implies this was done out of the soldier's own will, but that they were lead by someone. The 'on' adds on the difference in questioning not only the people present, and suspecting related outsiders. 

He was dissatisfied with the emperor from the beginning and pretended to be a loyal retainer that would one day do this.
*If I understand correctly, I think it should be "... retainer so that he could one day do this."
:*Yep. CaM. I should get on with Chapter 6 edits...ah well, I'll do it tomorrow. 

Above all, who the mastermind who staged this rebellion is, and who would hold such misgivings—I shall try to provide those answers to you.”
*Assuming it's also describing the mastermind (Zaat), I don't think "hold such misgivings" would apply do him (I interpret it as saying he has doubts about the rebellion, which isn't accurate).  Letting myself be led by the original wording, I thought "who would do such misdeeds."  Or something like replacing 'misgivings' with "ill intent"/malevolence/"ill will"/enmity.
:*Alright, changed to 'who would perform such misdeeds'. 'do' seems a bit odd to me here now that I look at it, but that might just be me.

And at this time, below in the arena across on the other side, a riot was occurring.
*Suggested revision: And at this time, a riot was occurring on the other side of the arena below.
:*CaM

''It seems a certain someone made the right choice.''  //  Shique muttered, and sent a fleeting glance towards Vileena.
*Just double checking the italics for muttering (as opposed to quote marks).
:*Yea, it's supposed to be italics.

Gil—Orba, while aware of this, felt bitter.
*Suggesting replacing "while" with "being."  I think the current wording makes it sound like feeling bitter was despite being aware, instead of the positive correlation between the two.
:*CaM.

Orba had taken hostage of the young slave girl in the detention camp, Mira, loved by all the slaves, in order to confront them.
*Suggesting "Orba had made a hostage of the young..." or "Orba had taken hostage the young."  Or there are other sentence rearrangements possible; mainly I just didn't think "of" fit after "taken hostage".
:*Yep, that 'of' should be removed.

With their plan exposed by the imperials, their resolution to fight to the death turned to vain.
*Suggesting "to the death was now futile."  "Turned to vain" didn't seem correct.
:*CaM.

Only Pashir continued to stare at the prince with a gaze so intense, that if a gaze could kill someone, it wouldn’t have been enough for Orba no matter how many lives he had.
*Suggesting revision to the last part: ... could kill someone, it wouldn’t have mattered how many lives Orba had.
:*CaM.

===Part 2===

Why was it that even at times like these that they could take priority over their own circumstances? Even as the roar of the wind whooshed past them and the airships they passed continued to open fire. Then, an enemy ship noticed them and began to descend.
*For the first sentence, if I understand correctly, suggesting something like "... they could '''give''' priority '''to''' their own circumstances?".
:*CaM.
*I normally don't like splitting up things into individual lines, but in this case I'd open the idea of splitting off the third sentence to it's own line.  Or alternatively, merging the first two sentences like "... circumstances, even as the ... open fire?" The reason is that I think the first two sentences are supposed to be connected.  But when I read through the first time I associated the second sentence with the third, and was confused how the two related.  Then again, this kind of suggestions is based on my personal reading experience, so I'm not sure how necessary it is.
:*I was a bit lost on how I should word this too. It's better to connect it with the first sentence. Changed to: "Why was it that even at times like these, even as the roar of the wind whooshed past them and the airships they ''passed'' continued to open fire, they could give priority to their own circumstances?" As a side note, do you have an alternative way of expressing the highlighted 'pass'? It's bad style to use the same verb twice in a sentence. 

“The life granted unto by His Majesty, is it? Or could it possibly be from Lord Simon? That man speaks his true mind too much. Be that as it may, I would never have imagined you would see even up to the slave’s rebellion—”
*I don't really understand what the first two sentences are referring to.  What does "the life"?  Contextually I guess it should be related to the explanation or expectation of Prince Gil being able to realize Zaat's plan.
:*Yea, this one needs to be more liberal. Changed to "So this is the life granted unto by His Majesty, is it? Or could it possibly be a result of Lord Simon's upbringing?" You can think of it as a line where Zaat finally realizes 'Gil' as a capable person'.

“It is because I want to return Mephius back to man’s hand that I have performed this deed. Do you not understand that, little girl?”
*"Back to man's hand" seemed a little strange.  Something like "back to a sane man's hand" would be a little more natural, I think.  Then again, perhaps the current wording is referring to the fact that the emperor is considered a union between the dragon god and man, and therefore the current situation doesn't count as being in "man's hand"?
:*'Man's hand' was my old version of 'the people's hand.' Can be changed if you think it's better. It's more of 'stop the emperor from ruling the entire empire himself.' 

But he was a prince who sometimes took bold incentives with ingenuity that riled his foes.
*Suggesting "took bold initiatives with ...".
:*CaM.

Everyday, he showed a different face, where even if she tried to understand him, she would suddenly notice the day gone by and wonder if maybe today, she would be able to come to an understanding of him.
*Suggesting the following. (biggest changes tried->failed and today->tomorrow)
::- He showed a different face everyday, such that even if she failed to understand him, she would suddenly notice the day gone by and wonder if maybe tomorrow she would be able to come to an understanding of him.
:*CaM.

Zaat stumbled backwards. Before his eyes opposite the collapsed soldier, he beheld a pale-faced apparition.
*For second sentence, suggesting "He (or "His eyes") beheld a pale-faced apparition opposite the collapsed soldier."
:*Changed to the latter.

Like this, the struggle where a single breath sent his whole body running in a fever came to a close.
*I though a few changes could improve the flow here.  The most valuable one from my perspective might be rearranging to replace "in a fever" with tremors.  A possible alternative with that change and another is:
::-Like this, the struggle that left him such that a single breath sent tremors running through his whole body came to a close.
::*This sentence was very vague, and it could have multiple implied meanings. 'fever(heat)' is supposed to portray how his body was overworked and he was more than breaking a sweat, while it could also possibly reference to the inflammation of pain, so I'm not too sure about changing that word. Note to self: Changed 'like this' to 'with this'.

===Part 3===

but it was hard to imagine anything except capital punishment against the slaves who plotted a rebellion. That would be to become slaves in the battlefield, or so Gil said:
*A somewhat trivial suggestion, but suggesting making it "That alternative would be to become..."
:*CaM.

As the emperor’s advisors, it was decided the group of elders would dwell within the shrine, and the emperor, instead making use of Zaat’s rebellion, had strengthened his political powers.
*Suggesting the following: a rearrange; a sentence split; and deleting "instead" (I think it works better without instead, unless there's something like "instead of harming him")
::-It was decided the group of elders would dwell within the shrine as the emperor’s advisors. And the emperor, making use of Zaat’s rebellion, had strengthened his political powers.
:::*CaM. It's more of a jab at the (implied) ironic twist, at how the rebellion, which was supposed to strip him of his powers, served to strengthen them.

Knowing of the plan, Oubary likely disappeared off the face of the rebellion and planned to assist the winning side,
*It's not wrong, but I thought there might be some better wording for "disappeared of the face of the rebellion".  What I thought of was "likely removed himself from the stage of rebellion" or "likely stepped out of spotlight of the rebellion."  Though whether or not those are better likely falls under style.
:*I think's it's fine the way it is.

However, based on the results, he was criticized for having ‘left behind the emperor and be the only one to flee ahead of them’.  //  A faint smile creviced across Orba’s mouth, when opposite his way came along Noue Salzantes. Noue greeted him with a smile.
*Looking at the second line ("A faint smile ..."): Is the faint smile from thinking about the criticism of Oubary (what the current wording is more likely to imply)?  Or is it from coming across Noue?  Also, as an alternative wording if you'd like to use it, I would probably word it as "when Noue Salzantes came from the opposite direction."
:*It's from thinking about Oubary. CaN. 

Ax Bazgan had invaded Mephius territory three times and each time, Mephius had driven him back, but Ax was a keen and opportunistic man and three times, Mephius failed to take his head.
*Suggestion of comma use and sentence split.  But I'm less confident in my comma usage, so feel free to ignore.
::- Ax Bazgan had invaded Mephius territory three times, and each time, Mephius had driven him back. But Ax was a keen and opportunistic man, and three times, Mephius failed to take his head.
:*Nope, that's proper usage. I omitted one before 'and three times' because it would've become a sentence with too many commas. CaM.

The army occupied the fortress, but the small city-state which should have been in civil war on end was strangely cooperative with the enemy outsiders and launched an attack simultaneously alongside three forces.
*The "should have been in civil war on end" seemed a bit strange.  The current wording seems to be saying that that particular city-state was experiencing a civil war at the time, which may be correct.  If that's the case, I might suggest a minor style revision of "been in the midst of a civil war".
:*It has a slightly different meaning here. 'on end' is equivalent to 'non-stop' or 'one after another', in that it should have been occurring for some time, and continues even now(at the time they took the fortress).

At any rate, the number of countries that have sent envoys number many.
*The current use of "the number ... number many" should probably be revised.  One simple alternative might be "many countries have sent envoys."
:*Changing 'number' to 'are'.

The dawn of that day shall celebrate your marriage and official appointment as charge of Apta.
*I don't think "as charge of Apta" is quite right there.  Suggesting something like "as steward/custodian/lord of Apta".
:*Hmm...you're right. Changed to 'lord'.