Editing Talk:Shinrei Tantei Yakumo:Volume 1 Prologue

Just some suggestions on grammar and such:

[Original] ...and the experienced senior nurse-----Matsumoto had taken an early vacation for the Bon Festival*; she started her vacation yesterday.

[Suggestion] ...and the experienced senior nurse, Matsumoto, had taken an early vacation for the Bon Festival*; she started her vacation yesterday.

[commas instead of dashes]

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[Original] Also, this pregnant woman’s due date was supposed to be two weeks later, but because this morning her water suddenly broke, so she was immediately sent to the hospital.

[Suggestion] Also, this pregnant woman’s due date was supposed to be two weeks later, but because this morning her water suddenly broke, she was immediately sent to the hospital.

[the removal of "so"]

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[Original] “The head is already out, push a little more.” Kinoshita said.

[Suggestion] “The head is already out; push a little more.” Kinoshita said.

[Original] “The baby’s head is already out, just push a little more.”

[Suggestion] “The baby’s head is already out; just push a little more," Yoko whispered... [continued]

[both commas replaced by semicolon, period replaced by comma to flow into speaker's name and action]

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[Original] Yoko started to relax too.

[Suggestion] Yoko started to relax, too.

[added a comma; English is weird. I don't understand *why* it should be there, but it should be, anyway.]

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[Original] Yoko put her hand on the pregnant woman’s shoulder, she made her repeat the breathing exercise over and over... [continued]

[Suggestion] Yoko put her hand on the pregnant woman’s shoulder. She made her repeat the breathing exercise over and over... [continued]

[comma replaced by period to start a new sentence (too many semicolons before this, so a period is a nice change)]

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[Original] “Wonderful.” Kinoshita said.

[Suggestion] “Wonderful,” Kinoshita said.

[comma instead of period, 'cause it needs to be there]

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[Original] “Thank god, you successfully had your child.”

[Suggestion] “Thank god. You successfully had your child.”

[period instead of comma...]

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[Original] Somehow she processed the thought just gave birth to a new life, and tears streamed out.

[Suggestion] Somehow she processed the thought "just gave birth to a new life", and tears streamed out.

[Suggestion] Somehow she processed the thought that she had just given birth to new life, and tears streamed out.

[first is... what it is. second suggestion is more eloquent.]

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[Original] Yoko had just realized she had burst into tears too.

[Suggestion] Yoko had just realized she had burst into tears, too.

[yay for commas]

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[Original] Hurriedly she wiped away her tears with her sleeve, while taking a flashlight to Kinoshita.

[Suggestion] Hurriedly, she wiped away her tears with her sleeve while taking a flashlight to Kinoshita.

[moved the comma. that sentence fragment just looked odd.]

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[Original] She shrieked, when she stumbled back she accidentally hit the cart, causing the tray on the cart to fall to the ground with the sharp sound of collision.

[Suggestion] She shrieked. When she stumbled back she accidentally hit the cart, causing the tray on the cart to fall to the ground with the sharp sound of collision.

[... 'cause a period suits that place best]

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[Original] She studied the baby’s face again, but no matter how many times she looked it was still the same.

[Suggestion] She studied the baby’s face again, but no matter how many times she looked, it was still the same.

[Suggestion] She studied the baby’s face again, but no matter how many times she looked at it, it was still the same.

[first one added a comma. second one a comma and a few words.]

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[Original] It wasn’t a trick of the light; she didn’t see wrong, the baby’s eye was really…

[Suggestion] It wasn’t a trick of the light; she didn’t see wrong. The baby’s eye was really…

[comma replaced by period]

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[Original] “Quiet. We can’t let the patient panic.” Kinoshita scolded Yoko in a stern voice.

[Suggestion] “Quiet. We can’t let the patient panic,” Kinoshita scolded Yoko in a stern voice.

[period replaced by comma]

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[Original] Kinoshita’s rough tone stopped her, Yoko quickly stopped talking, but it was too late.

[Suggestion] Kinoshita’s rough tone stopped her. Yoko quickly stopped talking, but it was too late.

[first comma replaced by period...]

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[Original] The woman saw the uneasiness expression on Yoko’s face.

[Suggestion] The woman saw the uneasy expression on Yoko’s face.

[uneasiness to uneasy]

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[Original] “There is nothing wrong with your baby, please calm down.”

[Suggestion] “There is nothing wrong with your baby; please calm down.”

[comma replaced by semicolon]

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[Original] The woman’s question made Yoko’s body rigid with uneasiness, she didn’t know how to answer the question.

[Suggestion] The woman’s question made Yoko’s body rigid with uneasiness. She didn’t know how to answer the question.

[comma replaced by period...]

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[Original] “Everything’s fine, your baby’s perfectly healthy.” Kinoshita answered the woman’s question, Yoko wondered if she was hearing right.

[Suggestion] “Everything’s fine; your baby’s perfectly healthy,” Kinoshita answered the woman’s question. Yoko wondered if she was hearing right.

[comma replaced by semicolon, period replaced by comma, comma replaced by period]

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[Original] There was no way they could let the mother see her child, But Kinoshita, holding the baby, slowly walked towards the woman’s side.

[Suggestion] There was no way they could let the mother see her child, but Kinoshita, holding the baby, slowly walked towards the woman’s side.

[lower-cased the b in but]

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[Original] In their place, there was a warm smile of seeing her child for the first time.

[Suggestion] In their place, there was a warm smile from seeing her child for the first time.

[of to from]

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[Original] Kinoshita was right, the child’s mother would know sooner or later; even if they could hide it for now, they couldn’t hide it forever.

[Suggestion] Kinoshita was right--the child’s mother would know sooner or later. Even if they could hide it for now, they couldn’t hide it forever.

[comma to two dashes (would look like a long dash when autocorrected with microsoft word), semicolon to period to start a new sentence]

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[Original] Her face was one of extreme happiness, tears of happiness streamed down her cheeks.

[Suggestion] Her face was one of extreme happiness, tears of joy streaming down her cheeks.

[second happiness to joy; two happinesses in one sentence is too much (it could also be vice versa); streamed changed to streaming]

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[Original] Her expression stiffened, and her face was as pale as ash, as if all the blood had been drained from it.

[Suggestion] Her expression stiffened, and her face turned as pale as ash, as if all the blood had been drained from it.

[was to turned]

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[Original] The moment the baby was born he opened his left eye.

[Suggestion] The moment the baby was born, he had opened his left eye.

[added comma, added had]

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I'm glad someone is translating this series; I'm in love with both manga and I've been curious about the light novel publications as well. If you need someone to proofread before you post the new chapters, I'd be happy to help. In the meantime, I'll keep adding suggestions to grammar. I can also help with "eloquence", too. 

Email address is mgrxz@aol.com. If you're interested, that is.