Editing We Don't Open Anywhere: Miki Kouzuki's Closed World (II)

== Miki Kouzuki's Closed World (II) ==

After Kouta left, I simply laid on my bed in a daze for a while. The sun had long since set by the time I finally began moving again and turned to the mirror on my desk to put up my unfastened hair. But I couldn’t will myself to do it. The red hair band I had used for for so long felt like it contained half of my self — well, that was an exaggeration, but it definitely felt like it had been part of me. That was why it had been so steeped in my magic. Kouta wasn’t the only one under its influence; it had also drained my desire to replace it.

I decided to give up on the ponytail and leave my hair like this for a while.

Collapsing onto my bed again, I ruminated on what Kouta had said to me.

<b><i>I</i></b><i> have to wonder, why do you spend so much time confirming my feelings without voicing your own even once?</i>

His expression had been the same as always, and his voice had been gentle, but he had clearly been reproaching me. It was the first time he had done so.

<i>He’ll just come to hold you in contempt, and that’ll be that. Later.</i>

Yahara had been right after all.

I’m a magus.

That may not be the most accurate way to put it. But I do actually have a special power, and I call it magic.

Up until I turned ten, I never displayed any external emotions. I was extremely shy, never opening my heart up to anyone. By the time I was old enough to realize what was going on, my parents had fallen out of love and fought frequently enough that we even got complaints from the next neighborhood over. They began living separately when I was eight, and they got divorced when I was nine. I was an only child, so I didn’t have any siblings that could intervene. Back then, the atmosphere in our family always felt like someone had run a fine knife through it.

Although they were never physically abusive before the divorce, when my mother was in a bad mood she would often treat me like I wasn’t there. Even if I cried, she wouldn’t pay any attention to me. As this went on, I eventually stopped crying altogether, along with laughing. And I didn’t just stop expressing emotions, I became numb and stopped feeling them altogether. My unnecessary functions were deteriorating.

As you would expect, none of my classmates wanted to get close to someone like that, so I was alone at school as well. I didn’t talk to anyone at school, nor did I at home. That was how I spent my days.

It was like I was invisible. In Japanese class, I wrote poems along those lines as well. When I did, my homeroom teacher would give their unaffected impressions, usually something along the lines of “What an interesting perspective.” ...Notice my cries for help already. Or had they noticed, but ignored them after deeming them too much of a bother?

Nobody came to my rescue. The only reason I was saved was because I didn’t give up in spite of that. I longed for the warmth of others, I yearned for it, and that tenacity was what eventually saved me.

—If only I could use magic.

I always fantasized about that. If only I could use magic to get along with anyone and everyone. If I could use that kind of magic, my parents could get back together, and I could laugh along with my friends. Those were kinds of ridiculous delusions I entertained.

But then one day, magic suddenly stopped being a mere delusion.

Although I had noone to talk to, I was always enviously watching my classmates’ interactions. Now that I look back at it, I was watching them with an aberrant level of concentration.

As an outsider, I calmly observed their interactions. I scanned the patterns of their conversations, unconsciously accumulating data.

And once I did, I began to understand the regularities therein. What kind of person what do what kinds of things to which other people, and how would those people react? Ahh, sudden awakenings truly do happen. As if I had learned a new language, the way I saw the world shifted.

Having understood the regularities behind communication, I immediately put this knowledge to the test. It took courage to move forward, but my hundreds of simulations gave me confidence.

And the result was — people responded exactly as I expected.

It felt good beyond words.

I changed myself through force. My emotions were still weak, but that actually worked in my favor. If I didn’t feel anything, then no matter what part I had to play it wouldn’t adversely affect me. I was at a little bit of a loss as to what to use for my baseline personality, but I found being a cheerful airhead to be the most convenient so I eventually settled on that. I was also aware of my looks, and took full advantage of them. Personality isn’t a single thing, it’s incident to one’s outwards appearance. This can be observed particularly strongly when guys are looking at girls. And the same manner of communication leaves a different impression on each recipient. There are words that can only be said and taboos that can only be broken in certain contexts. I steeled my intuition, put that theory into words, and changed it into something I could control.  

Although my good cheer was initially an act, it eventually took root in my personality. In much the same way, my lost emotions initially felt like they were drifting gently in the air above me but eventually became the real thing.

My days became startlingly resplendent, and I was replete.

In my greed, I desired even more bliss. I decided to use my powers not just to change myself, but to influence those around me as well.  

In retrospect, I was basically cheating by using it against adolescent girls whose egos hadn’t fully developed. My “communication” bordered on brainwashing.

Upon accepted my interference and my value system, it became easier for me to control someone. In middle school, I had a friend (or so she was perceived by those around us) named Youko who I knew so well I could basically control. She became an entity dedicated to my convenience, as if she lived solely for my sake.

I refer to people like her as having taken on my attribute.By using the information under my control, I can even manipulate them subconsciously. If I recite an incantation, they’ll go so far as to become my swords and shields.

But ever since that incident, my magic had been getting cloudier. The incident involving a ceremony I couldn’t tell Kouta about.

Although I didn’t realize it at the time, it was an experiment.

I met this girl — I don’t know her name, so I’ll call her A — over the internet. I knew from her profile that she was interested in magic, so I took action. After exchanging LINE IDs with A, we immediately hit it off and began chatting nearly every day.  

I had already experienced someone taking on my attribute at school. The next step was to find out how much control I could exert over a person, how much magic I could use, that I had only ever interacted with online. That was how greedy I was when it came to interpersonal relationships.

But the experiment ended in failure.

I had planned on controlling her by introducing her to my value system and sharing my magical delusions with her. But because I couldn’t meet her in person, small misalignments were born. My magic was imperfect.

One day, A invited me to a magical ceremony. While all this was going on, I was studying for high school entrance exams, and I declined her invitation because I had a test coming up. But perhaps the true reason I turned her down was because I sensed that her delusions were magnifying past the point of no return and becoming dangerous.

After conducting the ceremony on her own, something about A clearly seemed off. Her LINE messages became increasingly unintelligible, and when I expressed my confusion she became irritated, angry, disappointed, and ultimately ended up blocking me. Her social media profiles became full of citations in a language only she understood.

Then she stopped updating her social media altogether.

Worried about her, I took the train three hours to visit the middle school she went to. There, I soon discovered what had happened to her.

A had killed herself.

For the first time. For the first time, I began having misgivings about my magic. I had been manipulating people so casually, but was that really something so permissible? Wasn’t it wrong to change people like this? If I hadn’t been around, wouldn’t A still be alive?

Hesitations like that gradually chipped away at my magic. Magic became more powerful when you accepted it blindly, and weaker when you doubted it. No longer certain that I was in the right, I refrained from using magic and called myself a magus to anyone who would listen, only interacting with people who would approach me in spite of that.

But then I found out about Kouta Hiiragi.

He caught my attention from the moment I first laid eyes on him. As I watched him merge seamlessly into his environment, nearly transparent, I thought that he reminded me of mineral water.

Even if I was restraining myself from using magic, Kouta alone I couldn’t overlook. He was simply in too much danger. I don’t know how he looked to everyone else, but to me he looked like he was strolling down the streets of Johannesburg with rolls of banknotes pasted all over him.

I had to protect him!

I was overcome with a strong sense of duty. I willing to do whatever it took to protect him. It was so strong, I didn’t even mind if I had to offer him my chastity.

Once I got my thoughts in order, the cause became clear. After driving A to her death, I had likely been trying to atone. And Kouta had been a suitable individual. By saving Kouta, I could reaffirm both myself and my magic.

It was all for my own sake.

It was for my own ego.

I was well aware. I used my magic to manipulate others. But the one most strongly manipulated by magic was me. Even my personality had been created to suit magic’s needs. My very emotions turned according to magic’s convenience.

“See you later, Kouta.”

I called out to Kouta from the hallway after school, then returned to my own classroom.

After I kissed Kouta, I couldn’t figure out how close we were. It wasn’t even clear whether or not we had broken up. I didn’t know if it was okay to walk home together with him, either.

On the other hand, it also wasn’t like he had completely cut off contact with me. No conclusion seemed forthcoming, and I put off reaching for one.

As someone who habitually made decisions quickly, this was a first for me.

Sayuri asked concernedly, wearing her trademark short skirt. I simply sat uncomfortably, which she mistook for an affirmation and pounded on my back.

“Well, I dunno who dumped who, but with your looks I’m sure you’ll have plenty of much better guys pounding at your door!”

“I think Kouta’s pretty good-looking, myself...”

“Oh, no way. He’s totally normal. Bland. No personality. Below-average. And for him to break up with you so quickly, he must be a pretty shitty person. He’s worse than trash. I mean, that background character doesn’t even compare to someone like Makino.”

I realized my mistake the moment the words left my mouth. I’d said something that the love story-crazed Sayuri would be sure to latch on to.

“What’s up with you two!? Now you have to tell me everything! That’s it, how about you tell your favorite love expert the details?”

I mean, as far as I knew she had only ever dated one person, and she was still a virgin... No, there was no need to bring that up. Sayuri was always center of attention in our class, so she needed to be perceived as experienced in the ways of love. I shouldn’t say anything to shatter that image of hers.

I ended up attracting the interest of not just Sayuri, but most of the girls in class, so the whole matter took a good deal more time to resolve than I had expected. I was on edge because I didn’t want any strange rumors spreading around, and by the end of it all I was dead tired.

By the time I passed through the school gate, the sun had already almost set.

I had been hanging my head in exhaustion my entire way out, so it was by sheer coincidence that I lifted my head when I did and saw what I saw.

Kouta was with a girl from another school.

But setting aside the prospect on affair, seeing the two of them side-by-side gave me an ominous premonition. And the girl was clearly being possessed by some manner of evil magic. It was hard to anything good coming of her interacting with Kouta as he was now.

But my legs simply trembled, refusing to take me to the coffee shop. No matter how much faith I had in my premonition, the courage to get involved refused to well forth.

Vexed at my own powerlessness, my eyes welled up with tears. What I really wanted to do was storm into that coffee shop this instant and protect Kouta from everything that might harm him.

What was so wrong about that?

The next day, Kouta had clearly undergone some manner of transformation.

Yahara was slowly corroding away at him. But a dead man’s magic can’t exert any new influence, so I hadn’t been treating it as an emergency.

But I had been mistaken. Yahara’s magic was stronger than I had imagined. And more importantly, its target had been Kouta, whose magic resistance was zero.

What should I do? Kouta had already lost his confidence in me, so now that the issue had progressed this far it was difficult to imagine him listening to what I had to say. On the other hand, was it really for the best that I just leave him be? Would any actions I took to save him here simply be to fuel my own ego?

“You seem down again today, Miki. Probably have your head all full of that good-for-nothing guy Kouta, right?”

Sayuri’s quip came in an intentionally-bright tone. When I met her eyes and gave a small nod, she sighed exaggeratedly.

“...Say. You haven’t properly dumped him, and you haven’t been properly dumped, am I right? ...And, um, as an aside, I find Kouta’s worth as a guy to be deeply… deeply! Very deeply! Suspect! ...Suspect, but…”

She continued with a wry grin.

“If you like him so much, wouldn’t it best if you tried really hard to make up with him?”

“Eh?”

Like him?

I liked Kouta?

“You know, I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on your whole situation-thing over there. Like, why things between you two keep getting so complicated. ...Say, Miki, you’ve never <i>liked </i>anyone before, right? This is just me guessing, but Kouta asked you out, and even though it was Kouta you didn’t hate the idea so you just kinda went along with it. Then, when he wanted to move the relationship along, your feelings still hadn’t caught up and you got all wishy-washy… and then he got all pissy, am I on the right track?”

I was impressed. There were a number of details she got wrong, but she had seen through to the essentials.

“You probably don’t understand your feelings yourself, huh, Miki. But see, using Makino as an example, you’ve rejected a bunch of guys before, right? But the only one you’ve gone out with is Kouta. That’s a pretty big jump, don’t you think? So I’m like, what if you just don’t know what it means to like someone?”

“...I don’t have any personal experience, but I think I have a pretty good idea from books and stuff. When you like someone, stuff like your chest getting tight, not being able to swallow when you’re eating, and being blind happen, right? But nothing like that’s happened to me. So I thought my feelings were something else…”

“Y’know, Miki, you’re really good at picking up on people’s true natures, right? Like, creepily good.”

I was startled at having that so suddenly pointed out. I didn’t think Sayuri had seen through me to that extent.

“Miki, the kind of <i>like</i> you’re talking about is probably just when you have illusions about the other party. Like, when you have an idealized version of someone in your head and you fall in love with that version. But when that happens, you’re not really looking at the real them. You’re just in love with the idea of being in love. But because you pick up on people’s true natures so easily, you don’t harbor illusions like that. I guess that makes you kind of a realist?”

The creation of my very personality and emotions had been manipulated by magic. It couldn’t be helped if such impediments arose.

“No, no, no. That kind of love is no more than kid’s play. It’s an egotistical, conceited kind of love. Even a love expert like myself had a phase like that. But every dreamer has to graduate from loving the idea of being in love. That kind of violent love never lasts long. But I think that even without those violent emotions, if you’re always, always always, thinking about that someone, then that’s already love in and of itself.”

I understood the words coming out of her mouth, but I couldn’t make them feel real.

“Actually, maybe it doesn’t have to be that complicated? Falling in love is something you can only do if you want to. You couldn’t do it because you weren’t prepared yet. Does that make sense?”

Sayuri took on a voice like she was gently teaching a child who was doing poorly in school.

“Okay, then let’s stop thinking about it all jumbled-up like that. Let’s just confirm something. Miki, what is it that you want to do for him?”

It immediately came to mind.

I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to protect him from evil magi.

“Do you think about anyone else in the same way? Could you do the same things for them?”

“Just do what you want to. Even if you end up being a bit of a nuisance, you’re cute enough that anyone would let you get away with it!”

“No buts! Ahh, all this tedious blathering is so unlike you! Once the Miki I know has her mind set on something, she goes and does it! Where’d that assertiveness of your go?”

“T...that’s…”

“Ahh, I can’t hear you. Until Miki gets moving, I’m not talking to her anymore! That’s it, I’m done! I’m done being friends with her!”

Sayuri really was meddlesome, I thought, as she pushed me forward repeatedly after arbitrarily deciding that I was in love. But thanks to her fervent speech, I was finally sure of my feelings.

—No matter what, I couldn’t leave Kouta be like this!

That much I felt certain of. Whether or not it was my ego speaking, those were my true feelings.

Sorry, Kouta.

I can’t ignore these feelings of mine. No matter what!

As soon as break rolled around, I immediately headed for the next-door classroom. I had nothing even resembling a plan, but my magic should still have some efficacy. If I just talked with him face-to-face, I was sure I could come up with a way to save him!

I surveyed the classroom, but Kouta was nowhere to be seen.

What should I do? Should I wait for him…? Or should I go back after all…?

“Kouzuki. May I have a moment?”

As I hesitated, a skinny man in glasses called out to me. Though his glasses hid them somewhat, dark shades stood in sharp contrast on his face. Although we’d never spoken before, I knew him as the class representative who always instructed the class to take their seats in the mornings.

“It seems that you often visit our classroom with Hiiragi in mind. What I would like to inquire is, are you in fact his girlfriend?”

His hypocritical courtesy and peculiar manner of speaking where he didn’t allow his facial muscles to move made me wary. I was a magus, so he couldn’t fool me.

—This person was bad news.

How could I have not noticed such a blatantly evil person before? If he had always been this bad, I should have noticed his peculiarity like I did with Yahara and Matsumi-senpai and been on guard.

Had I simply overlooked him? ...Or perhaps, had he only recently become this way?

“I would appreciate it if you would answer my question.”

In my brooding I had completely forgotten to give an answer. As confused as I was, I tried to give as innocuous an answer as possible.

“Um, I’d say we’re really good friends… or something like that.”

It seemed impolite to me to ask such an intrusive question to somebody in your first proper conversation with them.

He didn’t seem timid in the slightest. But it seemed my displeasure made it across to him.

“That was rude of me. What I’m trying to ask is, why Hiiragi? That about sums it up.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“I’m asking why it had to be him. He doesn’t have any particular talents, nor is he exceedingly attractive. Why are you so fixated on him, in spite of all that?”

Did he simply have romance on the mind, like Sayuri? ...No, there’s no way, right?

There was clearly some other motive behind his question.

I tried to get get a read on what it was, but because it was my first time talking to him I couldn’t get it from his expression alone.

I had a thought.

—I hate this person.

The reason I tried to tear Yahara and Matsumi-senpai away from Kouta was simply because they were dangerous. But I didn’t want to spend time around this guy for a simpler reason than that. I hated him.

“I don’t really see how that has anything to do with you, and I don’t really feel any obligation to answer that.”

“I see.”

The bespectacled man didn’t see overly concerned.

“Can I go now?”

“Ah, I apologize for keeping you.”

I turned away from him as if I were fleeing.

“Ah, my apologies. May I ask you one last question?”

Not hiding my displeasure as I turned around, I asked “What?”

“Do you believe that it is possible, simply from seemingly normal conversation and behaviour, to make others act according to one’s whim?”

Without thinking, my eyes widened.

The bespectacled man gazed interestedly at my panicked demeanor.

“I see. Now I understand.”

He spoke almost in a whisper. Then he laughed eerily, to the point that I wasn’t sure how concerned I needed to be.

My mood worsening, I gave up on waiting for Kouta and fled the classroom.

Had he known about magic, and was investigating it? No… that wasn’t the impression I got. Then what in the world was he investigating?

But there was one thing I was certain of.

He too was a bad influence on Kouta.

Thanks to my unpleasant encounter with the bespectacled man, I was somewhat flustered. My sense of duty was flaring up as well, telling me that I had to do something about Kouta. All throughout class I found myself unable to think of anything else.

When lunch break came, I finally found Kouta in his classroom.

Kouta’s confusion was plain on his face. I couldn’t blame him; through yesterday, I had been respecting the distance we had placed between ourselves, and now I was acting all assertive all of a sudden.

After somehow convincing him, we made our way to the same courtyard as always. Between the lush trees and the increasingly-overgrown lawn, it seemed less likely than ever that we would be intruded upon.

“What was it you wanted to talk about, Miki?”

“There’s, um, something I really wanted to tell you…”

A phrase instantly sprung to mind.

<i>I like you.</i>

I was almost disappointed in myself. I was still being manipulated by magic. I knew that if I confessed to him like this, he wouldn’t be able to turn me down, which is why I decided to do it in the first place. It was just like when I kissed him.

Ahh… this was the first time I’ve ever resented magic.

But I stopped myself. I wanted to be sincere when I was with Kouta.

“I want to release you from this magic that’s nesting inside you.”

I knew that if I was so stupidly honest, there was a chance I would be rejected. But Kouta would accept it. To the very end, he would never reject me.

This late in the game, I was still presumptuous.

“Just cut it out already.”

So even though I should have been able to anticipate his rebuttal, I couldn’t believe it.

“Miki, you’re full of yourself. You’re not even <i>trying</i> to understand how <b>I</b> feel. ...No, even if you understand how <b>I</b> feel, you’re still just trying to shove your own ego down my throat. <b>I</b> thought you’d been reflecting on that lately, but <b>I</b> guess <b>I</b> was wrong about that, huh.”

“...I, I have! But even so, I want to save you!”

“<b>I</b>’m not some tool you can use to reinforce your magic. And <b>I</b>’m not some pet you can use to stop being lonely, either.”

“I know that… or I thought I did, at least. But… Kouta, you’re in a really bad way right now! You’re getting stained in Yahara’s attribute, in a bad way, and it’s really dangerous! So I need to use my magic to—”

He spoke with an exasperated look on his face.

“An illusion. It’s all in your head.”

That purposeful method of pushing people aside, of hurting them, of keeping one’s distance from them.

It was like he really was—

Masato Yahara, wasn’t he.

<i>He’ll just come hold you in contempt, and that’ll be that. Later.</i>

It turned out exactly like he said it would.

Their speech patterns, their appearances, their magic, everything was lining up.

As if saying he didn’t want to even look at me any more, Kouta turned around and walked off in a flash.

I was left alone in the courtyard.

—Right. I was rejected.

I was rejected so thoroughly as to fall into despair.

“...That’s weird.”

My magic existed just so I wouldn’t be rejected by others. My magic existed just so I could control others. Why so did this happen on account of my magic?

Sadness? Loneliness? Heartbreak? I threw out all those negative emotions at the very beginning. I thought the only emotions I had left were those that I could manipulate to my benefit. But then, what was this… They’re all still totally here.

“...Uwaa...Whaaaa…”

Tears were something for me to manipulate others with. One of the convenient tools at a woman’s disposal. But although I had believed that, tears were streaming down my face despite nobody else being around.

What was going on… Get a grip already… Why was I crying?