Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter2

It seemed like my horrible premonition had come true.

After class, Haruki didn't disappear instantly from the classroom as usual. This time, he picked me up off the ground as though I weighed nothing, and proceeded to carry me (kicking and screaming) through the corridors, up the stairs, and all the way to just in front of the door leading to the rooftop.

This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to be swept of my feet by a handsome prince. I don’t even want to think about what the rest of the class must have thought...

The door here is usually locked, and the staircase above the fourth floor seems to have been used as a storage room by the Art Club. Giant canvases, near-broken picture frames, statues of war gods with missing noses and such are all piled up in this little staircase, making what is supposed to be a narrow space even narrower.

What's the point in bringing me to a place like this? What, are you going to make me your bride? I’m not an alien! Put me down!

He did.

"Help me out."

...Haruki said with both his hands on my shoulders, looking straight into my eyes, and, of course, towering over me. This feels like a confession.

Great, now I’m blushing.

"Help you with what...?"

"Help me make my new club!"

"Okay, wait a minute. Why on earth should I help you make something you just thought up five minutes ago?"

"I’ll need to secure a room for the club as well as members, so I’ll need you to find out what paperwork the administration needs."

He wasn't even listening to me!

I grabbed Haruki’s hands and removed them from my shoulders.

"What exactly is this club going to be about?"

"What does that matter? The most important thing right now is to make the club!"

I really don't think the school's gonna let you make a club with no clear goals in mind, Haruki.

"Listen up, Kyon! After school today, you’ll go and find out what needs to be done, and I'll go and find a room for the club. Okay?"

If I had replied with a ‘NO!’, he'd probably have done something horrible to me. While I was hesitating on the best way to phrase a complete and outright refusal, Haruki had already run off down the stairs, leaving a very disoriented schoolgirl standing alone at the top of a dusty stairwell.

"... But I haven't even agreed to help..."

Sigh... saying that to a plaster statue is pointless. I could only drag my heavy feet back to the classroom, thinking about how I’d explain the previous scene to my curious classmates.

---

Requirements for organizing an "association": Five or more members. A sponsor teacher, a club name, a designated chairperson, and a summary of projected club goals and activities. Approval from the School Council Executive Committee. Adherence to the School Policy of creativity and vivaciousness. Based on the association's records and results, the Executive Committee reserves the right to promote the association into a 'study group'. Associations do not get school funding.

I didn't really have to go out and look for the requirements-- they were all listed at the back of the student handbook.

The membership requirements would be easy to take care of; we could probably just grab anybody to make up the numbers. And it probably wouldn't be much harder to get a teacher to sponsor us. The name just had to be inoffensive... and the chairperson? No doubt it'd be Haruki himself.

I was willing to bet, however, that our club activities were probably not going to adhere to school policy.

Of course, it's not as if Haruki cares about the rules at all.

---

As the bell rang to signify the end of class, Haruki demonstrated his horrific, ogre-like strength as he simply grabbed me, threw me over his shoulder and took off. It was all I could do to grab my bag before we zoomed away.

"Where the hell are we going!?" I asked, because that's what any normal person would do. That, and I was panicking at my second kidnapping in a day.

"The clubroom!" was Haruki's curt response, as he bowled over a few slow-moving students before sinking back into silence. Put me down, you idiot! Your hands are dangerously close to a place that will get you slapped!

We crossed the passages between buildings and descended the stairs to the first floor, before heading to a different building and hurtling up another staircase. Haruki stopped in the middle of a dimly-lit hallway, and finally set me down.

There was a door in front of us. Literature Club, the crooked nametag above the door announced.

"Here it is!"

Without even knocking, Haruki opened the door and barged into the room without even a hint of consideration for anybody. Reluctantly, I followed him inside.

The room was surprisingly large, maybe because the only things inside were a long table, cold metal chairs, and a few steel bookshelves. Tiny cracks on the ceiling and walls warned of the decrepit state of the building.

And seated in one of the metal chairs, as though he were just another piece of furniture, sat a skinny male student reading a thick hardcover novel.

"From this day forth, this room shall be ours!" announced Haruki in a dignified fashion, crossing his arms across his chest. His face was shining with that fiery, energetic smile. If only he'd show that smile in class...

Of course, there’s no way I’d say that thought out loud.

"Wait just a minute," I said. "Where is this place?"

"We're in the Cultural and Arts club building. You know how the Art Club and the school Orchestra get their own art and music rooms? Well, clubs that don't get special rooms like that hold all their meetings here, in this building. It's called the 'Old Complex'. And this particular room happens to belong to the Literature Club!"

Did he memorize all that?

"Then, what about the Literature Club?"

Haruki waved a hand dismissively. "After all the third-years graduated in spring, the club had zero members. If nobody had joined this year, the club would've been canceled."

What about the guy in the corner?

"Well, as it is, he's their only new member. He's a first-year, like us."

"Well, then, the club hasn't been canceled!"

"Bah, same difference! A club with only one member is the same as a club with none, you know?"

You... idiot! We’re going to take over other people's clubrooms now?

I glanced at the Literature Club's newest member. He had short hair and glasses, and hadn't looked up once. Apart from his fingers moving merely to turn a page of his novel, he hadn't moved at all, and was completely ignoring our presence. Another strange one...

"What about him?" I whispered sideways to Haruki.

"He said he's fine with it."

"For real?"

"I asked him during lunch. I told him I needed him to lend us the room, and he said go ahead, just so long as he can read his books in here in peace. Now that you mention it, though, he is pretty weird."

You’re one to talk, Haruki!

This time, I observed him more carefully.

His skin was pale, his face expressionless. The movement of his fingers was robotic. Thick, square glasses glared sharply in the sunlight, concealing his eyes; it made me want to take them off to see what he looked like. He was almost like some sort of living doll.

As if he had noticed my observations, he suddenly lifted his head and adjusted his glasses slightly. Dark-colored eyes stared at me from beneath those thick lenses; his face revealed no expression at all. He was almost entirely unlike Haruki - his default face seemed to be a poker face.

It’s kind of scary, actually.

"Nagato Yuuki."

His tone suggested that most people would forget his name within three seconds of hearing it. He stared at me for a moment, then, as if losing interest, turned back to his book.

"Say, Nagato-kun." I said, hesitantly. "Haruki here wants to use your room for an I -have-no-idea-what Club. Is that really alright with you?"

"Yes."

Nagato's gaze never left his book once.

"But, um, we might be trouble for you."

"No matter."

"You might even get chased out of here, or something..."

"Feel free."

He answered my questions immediately, but there was no sense of feeling in any of his responses. I guess he really didn't care either way, so long as he had his books.

Haruki shrugged at me, then grinned.

"Right, then it's decided!”

He sounded really hyper; it gave me a bad feeling. How much caffeine have you had today, Haruki?

"From now on, we will meet in this room after class. Be sure you show up! Or else!"

He said this with a smile as dazzling as the crescent moon. Reluctantly, I nodded my head.

I really didn't want to know what twisted schemes he had in store for me if I didn't show up.

---

The next day, after school, I regretfully declined Taniguchi and Kunkida's offer to walk home with them (though I wasn't going to miss their snide comments about my figure) and reluctantly dragged my heavy feet towards the clubroom.

Haruki had already told me "You go on ahead!" and dashed out of the room with a speed which reminded me why the Athletics Club so feverently desired his membership. He's so fast... maybe he attached booster rockets to his feet? Is he excited because he's going to go find members for our group? Or because he's a single step closer to meeting aliens?

I can’t possibly match that speed. So, I slung my bookbag over my shoulder and unenthusiastically slouched towards the Literature Clubroom, thanking my lucky stars that he hadn't simply decided to kidnap me again.

---

Nagato Yuuki was already in the classroom when I got there. He was even in the exact same position as last time, and, just like yesterday, was ignoring my presence, his head buried in the book. I know this is the Literature Club, but doesn't he do anything besides read?

Silence.

"... What are you reading?" I asked, unable to stand the silence any longer. Instead of answering, Nagato Yuuki merely raised the book he was reading to show me the cover. It was lettered with flashy foreign words that I had no hope of understanding. I think it might’ve been some kind of science fiction book, the kind my dad always reads.

"Is it interesting?"

He pushed up the bridge of his glasses with a slight motion, and replied in an empty voice. "Unique."

I got the feeling he was just giving me any answers so I'd stop questioning him.

"...which part of it?"

"All of it."

"...guess you like books, huh?"

"Very."

"Is that so...?"

"..."

Silence. Again.

As I put my bag down on the desk, I wondered if I could just leave and not deal with Haruki. But just as I prepared to sit down on the steel chair, the door flew open. Correction: It was kicked open. Brutally.

"Hi!" Haruki said cheerfully, marching in through the doorway and giving an airy wave to me and Nagato Yuuki. "Sorry for being late, but it took a while to catch him!" He dragged in somebody by their wrist - he'd gone and kidnapped someone else! - and turned and locked the door.

Click! The newcomer flinched at the ominous sound, and begun to tremble a little.

It was another boy.

And a ridiculously cute one at that.

He was small and slim, looking more like a middle school student playing dress-up in a North High uniform. His brown hair was tousled in a sort of childish way, and his large puppy-dog eyes cast around with a silent appeal for help. He reminded me a bit of my little brother.

This is Haruki's 'chosen candidate'?

"W-what are you doing?" the boy trembled. "W-where is this place? Why did you bring me here? W-Why are you locking the door?! Wha-"

"Silence."

The boy froze with a start at Haruki's sudden, imperious voice, and gave an involuntary yelp as Haruki pounced on him, a companionable arm around the newcomer's shoulders and a huge smile beaming on his face. "Let me introduce you, then... this is Asahina Mitsuuru!"

...

...Was that the entire introduction?!

Silence engulfed the classroom once more. Haruki looked satisfied with his "job well done"; Nagato Yuuki, as usual, kept reading his book without any sign of emotion; and the boy called Asahina Mitsuuru was simply scared out of his wits. It didn't look like anybody was going to say something, so simply to break the silence, I opened my mouth.

"Where did you kidnap him from?!" I demanded, hands on my hips. Maybe being more forceful with Haruki would make him rethink this insanity.

"Eh, I didn’t kidnap him! I just forced him to come with me."

That's the same thing!

"I found him daydreaming in a second-year classroom. I go through the whole school during breaks, so I'd seen him before already. He's perfect for our plans!"

Plans? What plans? Wait, so that's where you've been going at breaks. More importantly, though...

"Hang on, that makes him an upperclassman!"

Though he doesn’t look like one... but I’m not in any position to talk.

“And that matters because...?”

I looked at him in disbelief. Don't tell me he really didn't see anything wrong with what he had been doing. He must have been behind the door the day they were handing out the brains. I guess being more forceful wasn't really working, either.

"Argh, nevermind... um, Asahina-senpai, right? Why do we need him for your club?"

"Just take a look!" Haruki slapped Asahina-senpai on the back with some force, causing him to stumble towards me. I took an involuntary step backwards, and Asahina-senpai ended up grabbing the edge of the table for support.

"See how weak he is?" Haruki declared. "See how easily he's defeated? What he needs is guts! Guts and courage! If you have those, then you'll never be beaten, but if you lack them, then you'll never amount to anything! You won't be worthy of being called a man!"

That's really not very nice, Haruki.

Haruki grasped the air with his fist. “Therefore, this will be our club’s first project! To turn this runty weakling, this non-man, into a man to be envied by all! A man among men!”

My initial thoughts were that Haruki had gone so far off the deep end he'd come right out the other side. He did have a bit of a point though... Asahina-senpai was probably the least manly man I'd ever seen. He'd be pretty popular with some girls, though. And at least he wasn't as crazy as certain unnamed individuals.

“Hey, that’s t-too mean!”

Asahina Mitsuuru had regained his footing, and turned to face Haruki. “I-I’m a man too, you know!” he stuttered.

"Oh? Is that so?" Haruki draped his arms around Asahina-senpai again. He looks like a dangerous kidnapper like that. "How much of a man are you, really?"

Oh no, his eyes look dangerous! Run, Asahina-senpai!

His hand suddenly moved down Asahina Mitsuuru’s body, down to...

Oh. Oh my god.

I wasn't sure who screamed first, but I'd like to think that it was Asahina-senpai, because it's less embarrassing for me. Haruki had really gone too far this time.

"Stop that!" I shouted, trying to push the two of them apart. "What the hell do you think you're doing? That's sexual harassment!" Do you want to be sued!?

“Heh heh, well... whaddya know?" Haruki chuckled without any shame whatsoever. “He really is a man after all! You wanna check?”

I flushed bright crimson immediately. “What? No!”

Haruki finally let go of Asahina-senpai, who sagged onto the ground, exhausted. The odd thing - well, another odd thing, really - was that Nagato Yuuki hadn't looked up once from his book the entire time. What's with him?

“You see what I mean, right, though? If we can turn something like that into the living embodiment of the spirit of men, the righteousness of our cause shall have been proven to all! All of this, of course, is but a small part of my plan.”

This plan of yours seems dangerous, and not something any sane person would want to get involved with.

“So that’s why you kidnapped him? To make him manlier?”

Asahina-senpai was looking at me with tearful eyes. Maybe he thinks I’m going to save him?

"Well, I thought we could use him to advertise our club, too. Kind of like a... mascot character, that’s it! Something like that."

...It’s official. Haruki’s idiocy has surpassed the idiocy of all the other idiotic idiots in the world. He could join a traveling freak show as "The Most Dangerous Idiot Ever".

"Mitsuuru-kun!" Haruki demanded. "You in any clubs?"

"Uh... uh... I'm in the H-Home Economics Club..."

"Quit that! Not manly enough. Besides, it’ll get in the way of our club activities."

Hey, aren't you being ridiculously selfish here?

Asahina-senpai looked like a victim in what was about to be a murder being asked to choose between death by cyanide or death by strychnine. He focused that puppy-dog stare at me, begging to be rescued; then he noticed Nagato Yuuki for the first time, and his eyes widened in surprise.

"I... see..." he half-whispered, in a voice as soft as the song of a dragonfly, staring at the silent student in the corner. "I understand..."

Uh, what did you just understand?

"I'll quit the Home Ec. club, and join this one..."

Eh?

He hesitated. "But, uh, I'm not sure what the Literature Club actually does..."

"Oh, don’t worry about that. We're not the Literature Club," Haruki explained, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. Seeing Asahina-senpai looking confused, I hurriedly cut in to explain.

"We're just borrowing this room for a little while. The club that you've just been forced to join is actually an unnamed organization to be chaired by Suzumiya Haruki that will participate in unknown activities."

"...I’m sorry, what...?"

"In fact, that guy sitting over there is the real and only Literature Club member".

"Oh..."

Asahina-senpai blinked slowly in astonishment, his lips half-open, struck speechless. Couldn't blame him.

"No worries!" said Haruki, his cheerful face declaring himself completely and totally free from any kind of responsibility. He smacked Asahina-senpai's shoulder, hard. "I just thought of a name! That's the most important part of forming a club!"

I thought gathering members was the most important part… oh, whatever.

I glared at Haruki.

"Okay," I said, injecting as much sarcasm into my voice as possible, "let's hear it."

I didn't really want to hear the name, but Haruki was going to tell me anyway. He took a deep breath, in preparation for the momentous revelation of the name of his Grand Design.

---

Attention, everyone! The name of our fledgling club has been decided. No alterations were made; this is purely the result of Suzumiya Haruki's mind.

The SOS Brigade!

Save the World by

Overloading it with Fun

Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade

The Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade, abbreviated as SOS Brigade.

I give you all permission to laugh.

I was too dumbstruck, though, to even manage that.

You're probably wondering why it's called a "Brigade". Technically, it should be the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Association", but we hadn't satisfied the minimum requirements to become an association, and in any case nobody knew what the club was about, anyway. "Well, let's just call it a brigade, then!" said Haruki, his incomprehensible words settling the matter. And thus was our magnificent club name born.

Asahina-senpai kept his mouth shut, as though resigned to his fate. Nagato Yuuki was technically an outsider. And I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Consequently, the naming of Haruki's club as the "SOS Brigade" passed on one 'aye' and three abstentions.

The SOS Brigade is now open for business! This is such a wonderful occasion!

How did I get involved in this?

Sigh...

Look, just... do whatever you want...

---

After ordering us to meet here every day after school, or else, Haruki called it a day. As I left the Old Complex, the sight of Asahina-senpai trudging lifelessly along the hallway, shoulders drooped, was so sad I just couldn't bear it. I called out to him.

"Senpai!"

"Yes?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me with his innocent face. He really didn't seem that much older than me.

"Look, you really don’t have to join a weird club like this if you don’t want to. Don’t worry about Suzumiya; I'll find a way to explain it to him."

"No."

He stopped and smiled at me.

"It's all right. I want to join."

"But I really don't think this will turn out well at all.”

"But you're in it, aren't you?"

Yeah... but not by choice. Why am I even still here?

"This was probably inevitable on the temporal plane..." he said, his eyes staring off into the distance.

""Pardon?"

"And I'm interested in the presence of Nagato-san..."

"Interested?"

"Eh? Oh, no, it's nothing." he said, shaking his head. His hair waved gently as he smiled, looking embarrassed, and gave me a deep bow.

"I may be a little trouble, but please bear with me for now!"

"Uh, if you say so, but look, Asahina-senpai-"

"Please, just call me Mitsuuru!"

He smiled.

Aww... he’s so cute!

---

The following is a conversation I had with Haruki the next day.

"You know what we need next?"

"Beats me."

"We need to get our hands on a Mysterious Transfer Student!"

I sighed. "What, exactly, defines a “mysterious transfer student”?"

"Those that get transferred two months after the school term has started are, without exception, Mysterious Transfer Students."

"Maybe their parents just got a job transfer and they got dragged along."

"Bah, that would be too forced and unnatural!"

"You know, I’d really like to know what you of all people considers unnatural.”

"Mm, A Mysterious Transfer Student... when is one going to show up?"

"Why don’t you ever listen to me!?”

---

Rumours started to fly that Haruki and I were plotting something.

"What exactly are you up to with Haruki?"

Taniguchi seemed upset.

"You're not..." - she took a deep breath inward - "GOING OUT, are you?"

No way! And if there's anybody here who'd like to know exactly what it is we're doing, it's me!

"Well, don't go doing anything too stupid, okay? You're not in middle school anymore. If you vandalize the sports field, you'll get a suspension at the very least."

If it were just Haruki acting up on his own, I could simply ignore him. But he's dragged Nagato Yuuki and Asahina Mitsuuru-senpai into this mess now - I've got to at least see to it that they don't come to any harm. I'm kind of proud of how considerate I was being.

Problem was, Haruki's strong enough to just carry me off wherever he wants, and I doubted I had much chance of stopping him...

---

"We need a computer!"

Since the founding of the SOS Brigade, the once sparse Literature Clubroom began to accumulate a growing number of items. A portable clothes-rack stood in one corner of the room; an electric kettle and cups for everybody was always on hand, along with a traditional teapot, a single-compartment refrigerator, a portable gas stove, and eating utensils. A stereo system (connected to a CD/MD player/radio) and a PS2 sat nearby. What was this stuff for? Did he plan to live here or something?

Haruki was sitting on a desk he'd stolen from who-knows-where, cross-legged, cross armed and just generally cross. By his side sat a black triangular pyramid across which the worlds "Brigade Commander" had been scrawled in magic marker.

"It's a tragedy! We're living in the information age, and yet a Brigade as important as mine doesn't even have a single computer!"

What are you talking about?

In any case, all the members of Haruki's little gang were here today. Nagato Yuuki sat silently in his usual spot, reading a book about a moon of Saturn falling or something like that. Asahina-senpai had obediently arrived (despite the fact that he didn't really have to be here...) and was seated on a steel chair, looking confused.

Haruki jumped off the desk and ran towards me with a sinister smile.

"Let's go scrounge one up!" Haruki said, like a hunter looking for its prey.

"Scrounge one up? A PC? From where?" I asked, without any enthusiasm. "You're not going to rob an electronics store, are you?"

"No, no!" he replied, imperiously. "Why go all that way when we can get one somewhere much closer?"

"Follow me!" he ordered to me and Asahina-senpai as he dashed off out of the room. We found him about two doors down the corridor from us, outside the doorway that led into the Computer Club's room.

I’m beginning to see where he’s going with this.

"Hold this."

Haruki handed me an digital camera.

"Listen up, Kyon! I'll tell you my brilliant plan, and you've got to stick to it no matter what! There might only be one chance, one single window of opportunity!"

He bent down towards me and whispered his 'plan' in my ear.

"What!? No way! You can't do that!"

"This plan is but a small part of my Master Plan! It'll be fine!"

Fine for you, maybe. "But... Asahina-senpai-"

"Silence! No buts!" Great. Just great. I glanced towards a puzzled Asahina-senpai and tried to make eye-contact, to warn him about Haruki's insane plot. Run, run, or you'll be well done! But as I blinked my eyes furiously, Asahina-senpai looked at me surprised, and began to blush. Oh, no, he got the wrong idea completely!

Just as I was about to open my mouth and tell Asahina-senpai what was about to happen, Haruki had already burst into the room without knocking.

"What's up, people?! We've come to collect a computer!"

The layout of the room was similar to the Literature Clubroom, but the room itself seemed a lot smaller. A large number of monitors and PC cases were placed neatly on the uniformly spaced tables. The low whirring of cooling fans resonated through the room. The five girls who had been clattering away at their keyboards all turned their heads towards the entrance, to the guy who had just entered the room.

"Who's in charge here?" Haruki demanded, a smile on his face. One of the girls stood up.

"I'm the President of the Computer Club. Can I, ah, help you?"

"Do I really need to repeat myself? Give us a computer!"

The nameless Computer Club President flashed an expression of pure "what the hell?" for a second and violently shook her head. "No way! We don't get enough school funding, so these computers were all bought out of our own hard-earned cash! We can't just give them out to people for free! Do you think we're idiots?"

"One can't hurt! You've got loads of computers!" Haruki said this while sweeping his hand across the room.

"Now, look here- hang on, who the heck are you people, anyway?"

Haruki puffed up his chest. "I am that I am! I am Suzumiya Haruki, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade! These are my subordinates, Number One and Number Two!"

...Subordinates? Since when are we your subordinates?

"I command you in the name of the SOS Brigade. Hand over a computer at once! No grumbling, no excuses!" Haruki demanded again. The Computer Club President shook her head.

"I have no idea who you guys are, but there's no way you're getting one of our PCs! Go buy your own!"

"Hah!" Haruki snorted. "If you're of that mind... well... we have our ways of ensuring co-operation."

His eyes blazed with confidence. I had a baaad feeling about this.

Haruki started to pace the room, slowly, like a lion stalking its prey. "I've heard... rumours... about a certain group of girls who are into some really nasty, forbidden, stuff." he said, quietly, but with an undertone of menace. "They even produce their own doujinshi to sell at Comiket, using official school funding... at least, that's what the rumours say."

He whirled suddenly and slammed a fist into a bookshelf, causing a box to topple onto the floor and spill its contents everywhere. I flushed as I caught a glimpse of all the man-on-man images staring up out of the pages of the fallen magazines before I managed to avert my gaze.

"W-we can explain!"

The president began to protest loudly, but she, too, was suddenly blushing like mad. "Those are our, um - our private, um-"

"Silence!"

Haruki had apparently had enough.

"Here's how this is going to go down." he said, suddenly stooping and putting his face down close to the President's. "You're going to give us a computer, and I'm not going to tell anybody that you're making gay porn manga with the school's money. Understand?"

"Did you come here just to blackmail us?" one of the members asked, trying to stand up.

"No, I came here to extort a computer from you."

That’s the same thing!

“...No.” The president had decided to stand up for herself.

“Even if you tell the administration, we can just get rid of the magazines! You'll have no proof! What do you say to that?"

Haruki grinned like a Cheshire Cat. "Kyon, do me a huge favour, and take a picture of these magazines, would you?"

Click!

I reluctantly pressed the shutter button. Great, now I’m an accessory to blackmail.

“Kyaaaaaah!” That would be the President, shrieking. “Y-you still don’t have any proof! That photo could have been taken in any room in this building!”

Still grinning, Haruki swept the hair back out of his face. “Okay, then. We’ll trade." he said. "We’ll take your computer, and you can have Mitsuuru-kun as your personal shouta butler. I notice you guys seem to be into that kinda thing.”

The president blushed slightly and looked sideways at Asahina-senpai.

“Our personal butler…? But... but how do we know he isn’t just some girl you grabbed and threw into a male uniform?”

“Oh, that’s easy enough.”

Haruki shoved Asahina-senpai, who was standing dazed next to him, towards the President, and then - with lightning speed - grabbed her hand and shoved it down Asahina-senpai's pants.

"KYAAA-"

"WAHHH-"

Click!

To the sound of the two of them screaming, I clicked the shutter of the digital camera once again. Haruki grabbed Asahina-senpai, who was trying desperately to escape, and punted the President on top of him. "Kyon! One more shot!"

I reluctantly clicked the shutter button again. Asahina-senpai, nameless President, forgive me.

"WHA- WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"The president had managed to roll off of Asahina-senpai.

Haruki wiggled his finger in the President's bright red face.

"Tsk tsk! If the photos of your gay porn aren't enough, this should be sufficient evidence to convince the administration to disband your little 'club'!"

"T-that's ridiculous!" the President objected furiously. I really felt sorry for her. "You forced me to do it! I'm completely innocent this time!"

This time?

"Oh? How many people are going to believe your story? What with the rumours, and soon the photos... who's gonna take your side?"

I turned to look at Asahina-senpai, lying sprawled on the floor. Guess he must have been so shocked that he'd been totally drained of energy. Meanwhile, the nameless President continued to attempt to resist.

"Th-The other members of the Club are all witnesses to my innocence! That was all against my will!"

The other four members who had been standing dumbstruck around the room all nodded their heads vehemently.

"That's right!"

"Our President is innocent!"

If Haruki had listened to you, then, well, he wouldn't be Haruki. "I'll just say the whole club gang-raped him!"

You could have heard a pin drop.

“T-that’s stupid! Girls can’t rape guys!”

“Really now?" Haruki smiled. "Let me tell you a story. A story of a poor, innocent upperclassman, who had been passing through this hallway, who happened upon a group of sick, depraved females. These women, they decided to entice him into their den of evil with candy, and other such sweets. But lo! When he entered, he was set upon, by these cruel women, who then proceeded to touch him in all sorts of uncomfortable places! But I, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade, arrived in the nick of time, and managed to obtain evidence as to their crimes before rescuing the hapless upperclassman! Behold, for I am now a Hero!"

Haruki laughed long and loud.

I think this is the point where I should check him into a mental asylum.

"But-but- Suzumiya-san! T-that's n-not what happen-"

Haruki lightly kicked off Asahina-san, who was clinging desperately to his legs, and haughtily puffed up his chest. "So? What's it gonna be? You gonna hand over a computer... or not?"

The President's face, which had gone from normal, to red, to white over this ordeal, finally turned ashen. She had been defeated.

"J... J... Just pick one and get out!" she managed to snarl, before collapsing dejectedly into a chair. The other members rushed over.

"President!"

"Are you okay?"

"It’s going to be alright, Prez!"

The President's head drooped like a marionette with its strings cut. I may have been an accomplice in this little travesty, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for the little broken figure in the chair.

"Which one's the newest model?" asked Haruki.

That's enough! You're too cold-blooded!

"Wh-Why should we tell you?!"

Haruki simply pointed at me and my camera. The entire club shuddered as one.

"D-Damnit! That one!"

After examining the brand name and model number of the PC the President had indicated, Haruki took a piece of paper out of his blazer pocket.

"I went to the computer store yesterday and had an employee show me all the latest models," he announced. "This wasn't one of them."

How far ahead had he had everything planned out? This is getting freaking scary.

After inspecting every other computer, Haruki finally pointed towards one of them. "Give us this one."

The President's face blanched. "W-Wait! We only bought that one last month!"

"Camera."

"... T-take it, you thieves!"

Like she said, we really are thieves.

Haruki's greed truly knew no bounds. After disconnecting all the cables and wires, he demanded that the monitor and every other little thing be moved to the Literature Club room and reconnected. He even had the Computer Club members run a LAN cable between our room and their room, and connect us to the school's domain on top of that, so that he could use the Internet! He's no better than a common criminal!

"Senpai...."

Since I was totally helpless in the face of the lunacy of Suzumiya Haruki, it was all I could do to help the devastated Asahina-senpai to his feet. He was still kneeling on the ground, covering his face and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Let's just go back for now, OK?" I said gently. He sniffled a bit as I helped him back up. Haruki, you idiot, you said you were going to make Asahina-senpai more manly, not turn him into a nervous wreck! As I tried to comfort Asahina-senpai, I wondered what on earth Haruki wanted a PC for.

Well, I would find out soon enough.

---

The launch of the official SOS Brigade Website!

...well, that's what Haruki wanted, anyway. So? Who was going to make the website?

"You, of course!" Haruki said.

"Me?"

"You’ve got free time, don't you? Make it!”

What about you?

“I'm too busy looking for more Brigade Members!"

The computer had been placed on the desk with the "Brigade Commander" pyramid. Haruki, who was using it to surf the net, added;

"Have it finished in a day or so. We can’t start doing anything without a web page."

Asahina-senpai was sprawled across the table, shoulders shivering, while Nagato Yuuki was seated as usual in his chair, reading his book and ignoring the world around him. So the only person actually listening to Haruki was me. And as the only person listening to his insane commands, I was the only one who could comply with them. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what Haruki was thinking.

"Look, even if you say that, I'm not making you a website."

Haruki sighed. "Look, what about if I get you a present for it?"

...is he being generous for once?

"I promise you'll like it!"

"...fine." I finally conceded. No, not because I wanted to take orders from Haruki. Put simply, it was a website. I'd never made one before, but it sounded like fun to make, didn't it?

And that was that. The next day saw the beginning of my struggle to create a website.

---

Having said that, though, it really wasn't that hard at all. The girls in the Computer Club had already preloaded all the necessary software onto the PC, so all I needed to do was follow the instructions, do a little copy-pasting, and that was that. The problem is, though, what should I put on the website?

Right now, I still didn't know what the SOS Brigade is about, so I had absolutely no idea what to write about. After writing 'Welcome to the SOS Brigade Home Page!' on the top, I simply stopped.

"Hurry up and finish it, you hear?"

Haruki's words resounded like a curse in between my ears, so I had to spend lunch break in the clubroom designing the rest of the website.

"Nagato-kun, do you have any ideas on what to write?" I asked. He seemed to come here even during lunch, as well.

"...Not really."

He didn't even look up. I know this is none of my business, but does he even pay attention in class?

Turning my eyes from Nagato back to the 17-inch monitor, I had a sudden thought. What would happen if the school discovered that a yet-to-be-recognized student 'Brigade' was using their bandwidth to host a website?

"Eh, don’t worry!" I imagined Haruki replying, "If they do find out, we’ll just abandon the whole thing. First come, first served, you know?"

You know, in some ways, I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's happy-go-lucky attitude towards life.

I added a free website counter and our email address - it's a little early for a forum - and uploaded the website, which consisted of one page with no actual content on it. There, that should satisfy him! After making sure the page could actually load, I closed all the programs and shut down the PC. As I reached out to stretch my aching hands, I was startled to find Nagato Yuuki standing right behind me.

How did he get behind me!? I didn't hear any footsteps... when did he move? His face was as expressionless as a Noh mask, and he stared at me with his poker face as though I were an eye chart.

"Here."

He held out a thick, hardcover book. Hesitantly, I took it. It sure was heavy... glancing at the cover, it turned out to be the same science-fiction book Nagato was reading a few days ago.

"For you."

After that brief statement, Nagato turned and left the room before I had time to refuse, or even to react properly. Uh, why are you randomly just forcing one of your books into my hand? Is this your idea of a confession or something?

As the bell rang for the end of lunch, I was left alone in the empty classroom. Guess I was surrounded by people who didn't really respect my opinion.

I carried the hardback book all the way back to the classroom and took my seat, only to feel somebody give a hard tug to my ponytail. "So, is my website done?"

Haruki held the edges of his desk and stared at me with a slightly sullen look on his face. I noticed he'd been scribbling all over his textbook; I feigned casualness to try and avoid the stares of my classmates.

"It's done, sure, but... uh... it's kind of crap."

"Good enough for now. We only really need the e-mail address, anyway."

Why don't you just register for one of those free e-mail addresses, then?

"That wouldn't do! What if people flooded my inbox?'

How would a newly-made e-mail account get flooded with mail so quickly?

"Top secret!"

He had that sinister smile on his face again. Gave me the creeps.

This part of your master plan again, Haruki?

Once again, I have a baaaad feeling about this.

"Don’t worry! You’ll find out after school, but until then, it's classified information."

I'd rather never find out, to be honest.

Haruki was nowhere to be seen during sixth period. One could hope he'd just quietly gone home, but knowing Haruki, that was an impossibility. It was another bad omen.

---

It was after school. I had major misgivings about the entire thing, so why were my legs still carrying me towards the clubroom? While I was making such metaphysical observations, I found myself already outside the door.

"Hey!" I greeted the people inside.

Naturally, Nagato Yuuki was already sitting there, along with Asahina-senpai. I'm not one to talk, but those two certainly have a lot of free time on their hands.

Asahina-senpai greeted me with an obvious look of relief on his face. Guess being stuck in a room alone with Nagato could be awkward, but... he suffered through Haruki's abuse yesterday, and still came?

"Where's Suzumiya-san?" he asked.

"God knows. I haven't seen him since sixth period. He's probably gone to steal more equipment from somewhere..."

"...Will, um, will I be forced... to do something like what happened yesterday... again?"

Seeing his brow creased with worry, I tried to be as gentle as possible.

"Don't worry. If he tries anything strange again, I'll do everything in my power to stop him! He can use his own body for blackmail! Maybe I'm not as strong as he is, but I'm sure I can get him to listen to me."

"...T-thank you!" Asahina-senpai said, giving me a cute little bow. I wanted to just throw my arms around him! I didn't, though. People would probably get the wrong idea.

"I'm counting on you, then!"

"Hey, no worries." I said.

My assurances might have counted for something, though, if they hadn't lasted as long as a baseless theory, a house of cards, or perhaps a water droplet on the surface of the sun. Within five minutes, my assurances had all been thrown straight out the window. I am such an idiot!

"Ya-HOOO!" Haruki exclaimed loudly as he entered the room, carrying two paper bags along with him. (Is that my promised present...?) "Took me longer than expected, sorry for the delay!"

Just like you, isn't it? For somebody as capable of thinking on as many weird levels as Haruki, being considerate of others is probably the last thing on his mind.

Placing the paper bags on the ground, Haruki turned and locked the door. Asahina-senpai reflexively shuddered upon hearing the door click. Is he like a trained animal that’s learned to expect impending doom when hearing that noise?

"What are you planning today, Suzumiya? And before you start, I'm putting my foot down! We're not getting involved in any more theft or blackmail!"

"What are you talking about? I’d never do something like that!”

Really? Then explain the computer on the desk.

"Tribute from my vassals. Anyway, moving on... take a look at THIS!"

He pulled out a bunch of A4-sized papers from one of the bags. They were covered in handwriting.

"These fliers will spread the Word of the SOS Brigade to everyone! Believe me, it took me a lot of hard work to sneak into the photocopying room and print these 200 fliers!"

Haruki handed out the fliers to us. So that's what you were doing during sixth period? You should count yourself lucky you didn't get caught! I bet the teachers are already wondering what happened to all the paper in the photocopier.

Res Gestae Divi Suzumiya

A Proclamation of the SOS Brigade:

We, the SOS Brigade, are searching for all of the mysteries of this world. We welcome anyone who has experienced, is experiencing, or sense that they will experience any kind of supernatural or mysterious event to contact us for consultation. We will strive to answer any and all questions. However, please note that we do not handle normal paranormal events. It must be deemed an extremely shocking mystery before we will take your cause! Our email address is..."

I think I'm getting a faint idea about Haruki's expectations for the SOS Brigade.

"Right, it's time to go hand them out now!"

"What? Where?"

"At the school gate, of course! There should be plenty of students heading home right now!"

Yes, yes, yes, whatever you say, Commander Haruki. But as I was picking up the bag of fliers, Haruki stopped me. "Don't you worry 'bout it. I only need Mitsuuru-kun for this job!"

"Eh?"

Asahina-senpai, who was still half-way through reading a flier, looked up, Puzzled. Haruki rummaged through the other bag and suddenly pulled out another item.

"Voila!"

Smiling as happily as a certain robotic cat, Haruki pulled out a piece of black leather. But - oh, no - as Haruki finished pulling items from his four-dimensional pocket, I understood immediately why he had designated Asahina-senpai for this particular task. Asahina-senpai, you have my prayers for your soul!

Black leather pants, a bow tie, white cuffs, and a sleeveless white tuxedo shirt.

...Chippendales!?

I have never been so happy not to get a present.

"Um... um... what are those... for?" asked Asahina-senpai, sounding frightened. And with good reason, too.

"Can't you tell? Strip-per!" said Haruki, matter-of-factly.

"Y-y-you can't m-mean... for me to w-wear tha-"

"Course I do! There's one for you, see?"

"I c-can't wear something like t-that!" Asahina-senpai protested, but Haruki waved away his argument.

"Don't worry, it’ll fit perfectly! I know your measurements off by heart!"

"W-when did you…?! Um. Y... you don't mean for me to wear that at the school entrance, w-would you?"

“Of course! Aren’t you a man?!"

"I-I don't wan-"

"Bah! Quit complaining!”

Too late; Haruki had that flinty look in his eye. Like a tiger attacking a stray samba deer, Haruki lept onto Asahina-senpai and began to rip off his uniform.

"N-NOoooOOoOoO-!"

"Don't be such a wuss! Stop moving!" Haruki demanded as he pinned down the struggling Asahina-senpai. He easily pulled off Asahina-senpai's blazer and his fingers were already moving towards Asahina-senpai's pants, which was about the point when I finally thought to try and stop Haruki's insanity. But as I moved forwards to try and drag Haruki off him, Asahina-senpai's eyes met mine.

"D-DON'T LOOK!!"

Hearing his scream, my body overrode my brain and rushed me hurridly towards the door- damnit, it's locked! I spent a couple of seconds furiously struggling with the doorknob before it yielded and I stumbled out into the corridor.

And based on the only side-glance I got during the whole ordeal, Yuuki Nagato just sat there the entire time, reading his book as though nothing were happening. Don't you have anything to say about this? This is totally wrong!

As I leaned against the closed door, catching my breath, I could hear Asahina-senpai's protests and screams, mixed in with Haruki's victory cries.

"Arrrrgh! - Noooooo! A-at least let me undress myse- GAAAAAH!!"

"Damnit- come on, take it all off, quickly! You should have just listened to me in the first place-"

I really, really didn't want to think about what was happening inside the room.

A moment later, Haruki's voice came through the door.

"Hey! Get back in here and check us out!”

When I hesitantly re-entered the room, I was greeted by the sight of two Chippendale dancers. Arrgh... their pants are so damn tight, you can see the muscles right through the leather. Haruki, predictably, fit the costume like he was born for it, but Asahina-senpai... well, his personality didn't really go with the outfit. Even if he looked really good in it.

I wondered whether to try and comfort the sobbing Asahina-senpai with a compliment, but Haruki interrupted first.

"What'dya think?"

What do I think? I can only think that your mental capabilities are suspect.

"This is perfect for grabbing everybody's attention!" Haruki declared. "Everybody will want fliers if we walk around like this! Especially... if I do THIS!"

With that declaration, Haruki began slowly to unbutton his shirt while gyrating his hips and rocking his head from side to side. Oh my god. I could feel the blood rushing to my face.

"S-Stop it, you idiot!"

That was the only thing I could think of to say.

“What? You don’t like it?”

“Please, just promise me you won’t do that in public...”

“But that’d defeat the purpose of wearing something like this in the first place!"

"Look, if you do weird stuff like that right out in the open, of course people are gonna look at you funny... hang on, what about Nagato-kun?"

"I could only buy two of them, you know. A full set is pretty expensive."

"Where'd you get this stuff, anyway?"

"Internet."

"... Right."

Haruki picked up the paper bag containing the flyers. "Let's go, Mitsuuru-kun!"

Asahina-senpai, with his arms across his chest, looked to me for salvation. I'm sorry, Asahina-senpai, but I just can't dredge up any resistance... besides, Haruki's stripping nearly killed me.

He tried to resist, clinging onto the table and crying like a little kid, but Asahina-senpai was no match for Haruki's ridiculous strength. He and his cries of despair were swiftly dragged away, and the two Chippendales disappeared from the room. I sank back into my chair with an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

"...There."

Nagato Yuuki was pointing at the ground. Correction: he was pointing at the discarded North High uniforms lying in a scattered heap, and - wait, was that a pair of heart-patterned boxer shorts...?

The thin, be-spectacled boy remained silent as his finger swept from the heap of clothes on the ground to the garment rack on the other side of the room. Couldn't you do it yourself? Sighing, I gathered up all the clothes to put on the rack.

Gah, I could still feel the body heat on them!

---

About half an hour later, an exhausted Asahina-senpai returned. It looked as though he had been crying. Should I say something? I hurridly offered him my chair, and just like last time, he simply collapsed onto the table, his shoulders trembling like mad. Apparently, he didn't even have the energy to change. In the face of such despair, my maternal instincts kicked in, and I removed my cardigan and draped it around his little shoulders.

The uncontrollably sobbing 'dancer', the unresponsive bookworm, and the bewildered normal high-school girl sat in the room in a record-breaking strained atmosphere. In the distance, above the uncomfortable silence and Asahina-senpai's sobs, I could just make out the yells and cheers of the Baseball Club.

As I was thinking of such insignificant things like what to make for dinner tonight, Haruki returned. Scowling.

"Damn them! Damn those teachers! They always get in the way!"

He was venting, still in the Chippendale outfit. I already had a vague idea of what had happened, but I asked anyway.

"What? Was there a problem?"

"More than a problem! We were only halfway through our fliers when along come some stupid teachers who tell us to "Stop right now!"! What the hell's wrong with them?" he fumed.

Idiot! If the teachers just sat there and ignored two students dressed up as Chippendales handing out flyers at the school entrance, then that would be a paranormal mystery for you to solve!

"Mitsuuru-kun was nearly in tears, and then I got dragged off to see the Principal, and then Handball Queen Okabe showed up!"

I’ll bet the Principal and Okabe-sensei probably didn't know where to put their eyes when looking at you dressed in that outfit.

"Gah, this is so INFURIATING!" Haruki roared. "That's it for today! DISMISSED!!" Haruki tore the cuffs from his hands and threw them to the ground. I managed to get out of the room before he had managed to completely remove his shirt.

"How long are you going to cry like that? Where are your balls now, eh? Hurry up and change!"

I leaned against the corridor wall as I waited for the guys to finish changing. Guess that Haruki really wasn't an exhibitionist or anything, he was just totally clueless to the effect that his half-naked body would have on people. He probably hadn't chosen the Chippendale outfit because it was... sexy... but because it would attract people's attention.

He'd never be able to have a normal, serious relationship, I guess.

I really wish he'd be more concerned about how girls thought about him. At the very least, I wish he'd be concerned about me! All this running around with a crazy person was really tiring. And besides, for Asahina-senpai's sake, I had to wish for such an improvement. Although I had yet to hear Nagato's opinion...

Asahina-senpai eventually emerged from the room, stumbling and staggering, looking for all the world like a student who had just failed his college entrance exams. Not knowing quite what to say, I remained silent.

"Kyon-nee-chan..."

His voice sounded as insubstantial as the whisper of a ghost from a haunted sunken cruise ship.

"You promised to protect me from Suzumiya-san... didn’t you?"

...what could I say...? Wait - why are you calling me Kyon, too!? And adding a "nee-chan" to it? I'm not your sister!

Asahina-senpai returned my cardigan to me in a jerky, robotic kind of manner. Just as I was wondering if he'd fall into my arms and start sobbing, he had already drifted off.

Poor kid… dammit, Haruki!

Don't worry, Asahina-senpai. If it makes you feel better, you can call me nee-chan all you want.

---

Asahina-senpai didn't come to school the next day.

---

Haruki was already famous before, but after the Chippendale incident, his eccentricity and weirdness transcended mere notoriety to become the stuff of school legend. Not that I cared, because Haruki's actions were NOT MY FAULT. Not my fault in any way, shape, or form!

What I did care about was the fact that my name, as well as poor Asahina-senpai's name had become somehow linked to his. That, and people were giving me weird looks.

"Damn, Kyon, looks like you're one of Suzumiya's merry friends now, eh?"

It was break. Taniguchi was being irritatingly sympathetic.

"I never expected anybody to get close to Suzumiya-san. Guess anything's possible, right?"

Oh, shut up!

"I was so surprised, though. Seeing male strippers while I was heading home... I thought I was dreaming!"

Kunikida had joined in our conversation, carrying a familiar-looking flier with her.

"So what’s this “SOS Brigade”? What's it all about?"

Ask Haruki. I have no idea. I don't know, and I don't want to know. Even if I did, I wouldn't want to waste words on it, either.

"It asks us to tell you guys of any paranormal events, but it doesn't define what those are. And, what does it mean by not handling 'normal' paranormal events?"

Aggh, stop talking! I don’t want to think about it!

Even Asakura Ryou came to have a word with me. That was when I felt really guilty.

"I see you guys are having fun, but... that incident yesterday was way overboard. You guys went way too far!"

I guess I should've skipped school today, too.

---

Haruki was still mad. On one hand, he was mad about the teachers stopping him from handing out his fliers; on the other hand, he was pissed off about the fact that the official SOS Brigade E-Mail Inbox was completely empty. I had expected one or two prank e-mails, at least, but it turned out that people were more sensible than I thought. I guess everybody had already realized that getting involved with Suzumiya Haruki could only lead to trouble.

Haruki scowled at the empty inbox, shaking the optical mouse vigorously.

"Why is no one sending us any mail?!"

"It's only been one day" I said, trying to appease him. "Maybe there's all these tales of supernatural happenings out there, but nobody wants to tell a newcomer club like ours?"

I don’t think I was very convincing.

If someone did contact us, it'd probably go something like...

‘Have you experienced any paranormal events?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Oh, that's great, then please tell me.’ ‘All right, actually...’

Oh, please! Like that'd happen.

Listen, Haruki, that kind of crap only happens in comic books or some cheap light novels series- in fiction. Reality, like I've said before, is far more severe and far, far more serious than that. There's no giant conspiracies to destroy the world originating from our little prefectural high school, there's no mutants walking around in our peaceful suburbs, and there's no spaceship half-buried in the side of this hill. That kind of stuff is impossible. You hear me? Not a single one of those could ever possibly happen.

The truth is, underneath all this craziness and weirdness, you understand this, don't you? All this eccentricity is just a way to release the fustrations of youth, right? But you should snap out of it! You should just settle down and find a girlfriend who'll walk with you to school in the morning or to take to the movies on Sunday! Or join a sports club, and knock yourself out. With your ability, they'd snap you up in a flash!

...least, that's what I wanted to say. But I had the feeling I'd only be able to get about the first five lines out before I'd get a fist in the face.

"Did Mitsuuru-kun take the day off today?" Haruki asked.

"He might never come back to school." I muttered darkly. "I hope he wasn’t permanently traumatized by what you did yesterday, poor kid..."

"Awww, man! And I'd just gotten a new costume for him today, too!"

"Can’t you just wear these things by yourself?!”

"What? No, this one wouldn’t fit me at all. I did end up getting your present, though."

Haruki grinned.

Oh no, no no no. God no.

“Oh! Look at the time! I promised to prepare dinner tonight! I gotta go, bye!”

I dashed out of the clubroom to Haruki’s shouts of ‘Hey, wait!’ Damnit, Nagato, can’t you ever say anything at all?

---

Haruki’s long-awaited ‘Mysterious Transfer Student’ had finally arrived!

Haruki himself told me the ‘great’ news before homeroom the next day.

"It’s awesome, isn’t it? The transfer student's finally here!" Haruki said gleefully, hovering over my desk like a preschooler finally getting the toy he'd always wanted. I had no idea where he'd gotten the info, but apparently a student was transferring into Class 1-9 today.

"This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance! I guess it's unfortunate that they're not in our class, but still - definitely a Mysterious Transfer Student, no doubt about that!"

You've never even met the person, how can you be so sure?

"Didn't I tell you? Studies show that a high percentage of students who transfer to schools in the middle of the school term are Mysterious!"

Where on earth did you get such a statistic? The Internet? Aren’t 75.6% percent of all statistics just made up on the spot? Besides, if everyone who gets transferred in the middle of May is abnormal, then Japan would be practically exploding with Mysterious Transfer Students.

Haruki's train of thought couldn't be stopped by mere logic. At the end of first period, Haruki instantly bolted out of the classroom, probably off to 1-9 to scout out our Mysterious Transfer Student.

Just before the bell rang to signal the next class, Haruki returned, looking slightly perplexed.

"Well? A Mysterious Transfer Student, or an ordinary transfer student?"

"Didn't really seem that Mysterious..." he said, frowning. Well, duh.

"We talked for a bit, but I'm not quite sure yet... they might just be pretending to be a totally normal person though, that's still a possibility. I mean, nobody's going to expose their true identity on the first day, are they? I'll go ask again next break."

Oh, don't. You probably startled the 1-9 students. I could just picture the scene; a normal, bustling classroom, suddenly interrupted by legendary eccentric Suzumiya Haruki, who bursts into the room and grabs the nearest student. "Where's the Mysterious Transfer Student?!" he yells, and the second somebody answers off he charges in the direction indicated. And then he forces his way into the transfer student's conversation and starts interrogating them. "Where are you from? What's your true identity? Are you an alien? Will you marry me?"

A bit like a weird, botched cross-examination, I'd guess.

Aggh, just thinking about it gives me a headache!

I thought of something else, however.

"Guy or girl?"

Haruki paused. "Well... might be a cross-dresser, or in disguise or something, but... looks like a girl, to me."

Well then she's a girl!

Well, it looks like the SOS Brigade would finally have another female member besides myself. Haruki might just kidnap her out the door and force her to join simply because she's a new transfer student. Guess it'd save me from cosplaying as a bunny girl or something equally as horrifying... but what if the student wasn't as weak-willed as Asahina-san and me? Haruki was certainly ridiculously overbearing, but could he truly defeat somebody with stronger willpower? Of course, they'd have to also be strong enough to stop him just grabbing you and running off...

If we got the numbers, than Suzumiya might actually have a tiny chance of getting the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade" - well, association - officially recognized. And even if it wasn't, guess who would be stuck doing all the menial tasks and the paperwork? I'd be stuck for the rest of my schooling life with the title "Suzumiya Haruki's Subordinate" and live my days in despair!

I'd never really thought about what I wanted to do after graduation, but I had at least resolved to avoid doing something that would get put on my permanent record. But while I was stuck with Haruki, the chance of getting into some major trouble seemed almost inevitable.

What am I gonna do?

---

In the end, I couldn't do a thing.

I know that I should just have confronted Haruki, then and there, even though my hands were tied.

I should have just lectured him into living a normal life, into having him disband the SOS Brigade. Persuaded him into forgetting about time-travelers, espers and aliens, to get a nice girlfriend and settle down, or to join a sports club and be satisfied. To spend the next three years content as an ordinary student.

If only I had.

If I had a stronger sense of purpose, or self, or willpower, I wouldn't have been sucked into this black hole of weirdness centred around Suzumiya Haruki. The world would have retained its dignity, and we would have lived out the next three years of our lives as normal high school students, and graduated peacefully, and settled down in the world.

...probably.

The reason I'm saying this now is because I experienced events later that were anything but normal. If you've been observing the flow of the story, you'd have figured that out by now.

Where to begin…?

Well, let's start from the beginning, because that's what the word means. From the moment our latest member, our mysterious transfer student, arrived in the SOS Brigade's Clubroom...

Return to Chapter 1

Forward to Chapter 3