Difference between revisions of "Talk:No Game No Life:Volume 1 Chapter 2"
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===Part 1=== |
===Part 1=== |
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| − | 1. '''Should have added in 'as expected of the lineage of royalty'.''' |
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| + | 1. '''But most importantly, Sora had no reason to peek over.''' |
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| − | -> Question, is Sora the one who thought of this line? If so, maybe we can add ''', thought Sora.''' at the end of the sentence. Or we can also close it in parenthesis to show that it's a thought by Sora: |
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| − | '''(As expected of the lineage of royalty)''' |
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| − | 2. '''Shiro muttered in a low voice, having said till here, she found it hard to hesitate.''' |
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| − | I'm confused by what is '''having said till here''' is referring to and who is it referring to. From what I can understand, Shiro felt it hard to continue to complain about taking a bath after Sora told her that '''"Your brother loves a beautiful Shiro."''', so I think '''having said till here''' is referring to Shiro. |
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| − | '''Muttered Shiro in a low voice. She found it hard to complain more after hearing Sora say that.''' |
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| − | 3. '''—But it will be fine either way.''' |
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| − | From what I can understand, this is referring to the fact the Shiro will now obey Sora's instruction to her about taking a bath, thus Sora doesn't have any problems anymore. The situation will in the bath will now become fine/peaceful. |
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| − | '''—Now the bath will become peaceful.''' |
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| − | 4. '''No, they had attracted unpleasant emotions due their intimate relationship as siblings, but this fact was ignored.''' |
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| − | With conjunction to my edit in #2, |
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| − | '''Or so it should've been. It's because the siblings' intimate relationship had attracted unpleasant emotions from someone, but this fact was ignored.''' |
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| − | I added '''from someone''' in order to make it clearer that those unpleasant emotions were from Steph. |
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| − | 5. '''Compared to that, there was something even more concerning that they had.''' |
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| − | With conjunction to #3, |
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| − | '''However, there was something even more concerning than that.''' |
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| − | '''that''' here is referring to the unpleasant emotions. |
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| − | 6. '''Why am I washing a fully naked Shiro's hair, while Sora is wearing clothes and standing on the opposite side.''' |
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| − | It's kind of weird that the narration suddenly changed from a 3rd POV to 1st POV (Steph's POV). |
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| − | The '''fully naked Shiro's hair''' should be changed because it is Shiro who is fully naked and not her hair. |
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| − | If this is a thought by Steph then, |
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| − | '''(Why am I washing the hair of a nude Shiro while a clothed Sora is standing on the opposite side).''' |
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| − | '''on the opposite side''' can also be changed to '''over there''' since it sounds more appropriate if this line is a thought of Steph. |
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| − | 7. '''"The, does it even matter to me!?"'''' |
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| − | If Steph is stuttering her, then: |
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| − | '''Do-does it even matter to me?''' |
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| − | 8. '''"Just like after my bath, my little brother would rise up, or the mist block is too insufficient to block off my little sister, then that wouldn't be M18, but issued ban."''' |
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| − | Is the '''my little brother here''' referring to Sora's "that"? If so then quotation marks should be added to it. |
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| − | What does '''M18''' mean? Is it Mature18 which is similar to R18? If so then maybe this description should be added to the footnotes to make it clearer. |
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| − | 9. '''Didn't quite understand.''' |
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| − | Are you trying to mean that Steph didn't understand what Sora had just said because Sora had used foreign words like [Mist Block], M18, and issued ban? If so then, |
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| − | '''Steph didn't understand what Sora had just said.''' |
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| − | 10. '''But most importantly, Sora had no reason to peek over.''' |
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'''However, this was the limit of understanding that Steph has, which couldn't be helped.''' |
'''However, this was the limit of understanding that Steph has, which couldn't be helped.''' |
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'''It couldn't be helped since this was the limit of Steph's knowledge.''' |
'''It couldn't be helped since this was the limit of Steph's knowledge.''' |
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| − | 11. '''— After that, Shiro would confirm the screen, if there weren't any problems, they would start watching.''' |
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| − | Is '''that''' referring to bathing? If so then, |
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| − | '''— After bathing, Shiro would first check the video and, if there weren't any problems, would watch it together with Sora.''' |
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===Part 2=== |
===Part 2=== |
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| − | 1. '''—It appears that, it was exactly what Sora had mentioned earlier, with Shiro's white hair being combed.''' |
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| − | Is this a thought by Steph? If so then parenthesis should be added and a bit of editing to make it sound like someone thinking: |
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| − | '''(It seems Sora was right about what he said regarding combing Shiro's white hair...)''' |
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| − | 2. '''"It would be fine if you remain in this state, but this is really a throwaway."''' |
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| − | I think '''throwaway''' is a too powerful word to express "what a waste". My take on this: |
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| − | '''"If would fine if you remain in this state forever. Really, it's such a waste."''' |
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| − | or |
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| − | '''"If only you'd remain like this forever. Really, it's such a waste."''' |
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| − | 3. '''— And just that, she got shocked until she could only stand, while the half-naked siblings with just towel wrapping around themselves replied.''' |
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| − | I'm confused about the usage of '''And just that''' here. If it's trying to mean something like '''this is what simultaneously happened after Steph said "Y-you, both of you— Get dressed!"''', then I think it can be omitted since the '''—''' already serves that function. |
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| − | I think that '''half-naked siblings''' and '''with just towel wrapping around themselves''' are redundant. The '''half-naked''' part can be removed while retaining the towel part. |
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| − | '''—Steph got so shocked that she stood up, while the siblings, with only towel wrapped around themselves, replied.''' |
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| − | 4. '''".......Didn't you say you wanted to wash our clothes. But we only have those clothes, unless it is already dried by now?"''' |
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| − | A bit of edit: |
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| − | '''...Didn't you say you wanted to wash our clothes? We only have those clothes, unless if they're already dried up.''' |
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| − | or |
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| − | '''...Didn't you say you wanted to wash our clothes? We only have those clothes. Are they already dried up?''' |
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| − | 5. '''Said Sora who didn't think that dryers existed in this world.''' |
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| − | I think that '''expect''' is a better word for '''think'''. |
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| − | '''Said Sora who didn't expect dryers to exist in this world.''' |
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| − | 6. '''Looking at his little sister who resembled a master, Steph's heart clenched for the third time. ''' |
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| − | I think Steph was feeling jealous because Shiro looked like Sora's master, not because Shiro looked like a master. |
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| − | '''Looking at his little sister who looked like his master, Steph's heart clenched for the third time. |
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| − | 7. '''The exact same location as before, Steph was currently kneeling on the ground while lowering her head, deeply regretting what she had done. ''' |
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| − | '''while lowering her head''' -> '''with her head down''' |
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| − | '''The exact same location as before, Steph was currently kneeling on the ground with her head down, deeply regretting what she had done.''' |
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| − | 8. '''Shiro seemed to be unable to accept her dried hair, and said with an dejected expression.''' |
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| − | Changed ordering of words a bit. |
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| − | '''Said Shiro with a dejected expression. She seemed unable to accept her dried hair.''' |
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| − | 9. '''It was obvious that a troubled expression showing.''' |
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| − | '''It was obvious that Sora was showing a troubled expression.''' |
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| − | or |
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| − | '''It was obvious that Sora was wearing a troubled expression.''' |
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| − | 10. '''Then, without affectation, he casually said.''' |
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| − | The sentence feels a bit hanging at the end. |
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| − | '''Then, without affectation, he casually said,''' |
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| − | or |
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| − | '''Then, without affectation, he casually said the following words.''' |
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| − | or |
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| − | '''Then, without affectation, he casually said it.''' |
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| − | 11. '''They were guided to the library— no.''' |
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| − | '''Almost the same proportions of a high school [Library], Steph's private stack room. ''' |
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| − | The '''— no.''' feels a bit frigid or abrupt. Maybe it can be expanded to '''— or what looked like a one.''' ("looked like" because technically or accurately speaking, it was Steph's private stack room.) |
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| − | And shouldn't the '''private stack room''' be the one with brackets because it's usage is more important than the '''Library'''? |
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| − | '''They were guided to the library— or what looked like one.''' |
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| − | '''Almost the same proportions as a high school library, it was actually Steph's [Private stack room]. |
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| − | 12. '''But obviously there wasn't a problem with communicating.''' |
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| − | This sentence isn't negating or opposing something so the '''But''' should be removed. |
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| − | '''Obviously, there wasn't a problem with communicating.''' |
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| − | 13. '''".........Then, so you guys are really from a different world?"''' |
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| − | '''Then''' and '''so''' are redundant. '''so''' can be removed and the order of words can be changed a bit. |
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| − | '''.........Then, are you guys really from a different world?''' |
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| − | 14. '''"Yeah, I know you feel that it is implausible—" ''' |
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| − | '''implausible''' is kind of not a common word or a word normally used in a conversation. It can be changed to something easier to understand like '''hard to believe''' |
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| − | '''"Yeah. I know you feel that it is hard to believe—''' |
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| − | or |
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| − | '''"Yeah. I know it's hard to believe—''' |
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| − | 15.'''People won't accept this fact but rather think that it is a fixed plot, even Sora didn't think that he was going to get trusted easily.''' |
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| − | What do you mean the '''fixed plot'''? Are you trying to say that '''coming from a different world''' is like a '''plot in a story'''? If so, then: |
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| − | '''People won't believe Sora's words but rather think that it is a plot in a story. Even Sora didn't expect to be trusted easily.''' |
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| − | 16. '''The conversely shocked Steph then replied.''' |
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| − | I thought Sora was the one shocked that Steph easily believed him? Or was Steph surprised that Sora asked her why she easily believed him? |
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| − | 17. '''"You ask me why.......the Elves possess high level magic, originally summoned from another world, so this is not an eye-catching thing. Moreover, looking at your appearance, it was certain that you were not people of this country, but you could only be human........"''' |
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| − | '''—In addition, there was only one country left for mankind.''' |
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| − | A bit of edit: |
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| − | '''"You ask me why.......the Elves who possess high level magic were originally summoned from another world, so your situation is not a rare thing. Moreover, from your appearance, I was certain you weren't from this country. But you could only be human..."''' |
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| − | '''—After all, this was the only country left for humans.''' |
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-- [[User:Layrelsky|Layrelsky]] ([[User talk:Layrelsky|talk]]) 10:03, 12 August 2013 GMT+8 |
-- [[User:Layrelsky|Layrelsky]] ([[User talk:Layrelsky|talk]]) 10:03, 12 August 2013 GMT+8 |
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Latest revision as of 00:46, 13 August 2013
Some suggestions for edit:
Part 1[edit]
1. But most importantly, Sora had no reason to peek over.
However, this was the limit of understanding that Steph has, which couldn't be helped.
What were set in the bathroom were two mobile phones and laptops.
And Steph didn't know that the two tiny holes were cameras.
Are there two mobile phones and laptops? Or are there two items, a mobile phone and a laptop? Or are there two mobile phones and two laptops? Arranging and editing it a bit:
But more importantly, Sora didn't even need to peek.
What were set in the bathroom were two mobile phones and laptops.
Unbeknownst to Steph, the two tiny holes were actually cameras.
It couldn't be helped since this was the limit of Steph's knowledge.
