Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter2

It seemed like my horrible premonition had come true.

After class, Haruki didn't disappear instantly from the classroom as usual. This time, he picked me up off the ground as though I weighed nothing, and proceeded to carry me (kicking and yelling) through the corridors, up the stairs, and all the way to just in front of the door leading to the rooftop.

This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to be swept of my feet by a handsome prince. I don’t even want to think about what the rest of the class must have thought…

The door here is usually locked, and the staircase above the fourth floor seems to have been used as a storage room by the Art Club. Giant canvases, near broken picture frames, statues of war gods with missing noses and such are all piled up in this little staircase, making what is supposed to be a narrow space even narrower.

What is he trying to do to me by bringing me here? Is he going to make me his bride? I’m not an alien! Put me down!

He did.

"Help me out."

...Haruki said with both his hands on my shoulders, looking straight into my eyes. This feels like a confession.

Great, now I’m blushing.

"Help me make my new club!"

"Okay, wait a minute. Why on earth should I help you make something you just thought up five minutes ago?"

"I’ll need to secure a room for the club as well as members, so I’ll need you to find out what paperwork the administration needs."

He wasn't even listening to me!

I grabbed Haruki’s hands and removed them from my shoulders.

"What exactly is this club going to be about?"

"What does that matter? The most important thing right now is to make the club!"

I really doubt that the school would agree with you about that.

"Listen up, Kyon! After school today, you’ll go and find out what needs to be done, and I'll go and find a room for the club. Okay?"

If I had replied with a ‘NO!’ he’d probably have done something horrible to me. While I was hesitating on how to answer, Haruki had already turned and ran down the stairs, leaving a disoriented female student standing all alone on the dust-filled staircase.

"... But I haven't even agreed to help..."

Sigh, saying that to a plaster statue is pointless. I could only drag my heavy feet back to the classroom, thinking about how I’d explain the previous scene to everybody.

Requirements for organizing an "association": Five members or more. A sponsor teacher, club name, chairperson for the club, and club activities/goals summary are required—which then requires approval from the Student Council Executive Committee. The club's activities must fit in with the school philosophy of creativity and vivaciousness. Based on the activities' records and results, the Executive Committee would debate on whether to promote the association into a "study group." Furthermore, as an association, the school will not provide any funding.

Searching for the requirements was easy—they’re listed in the back of the student textbook.

Finding members is easy too; we could just grab anyone to make up the numbers, so that won't be a problem. A sponsor teacher is harder to find, but I think I can manage that. As for the name, something inoffensive and ordinary would do. And the chairperson for the club is, no doubt, Haruki himself.

I don’t think, though, that our club activities are going to fall under the heading of "creativity and vivaciousness."

Of course, it's not as if Haruki cares about the rules at all.

As the bell rang for the end of classes, Haruki showed off his ogre-like strength again as he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder. It took great effort to make sure that I didn't leave my school bag in the classroom.

"Where are we going?!"

I asked because, well, I'm normal after all. That, and I was panicking at being kidnapped in such a way again.

"Our clubroom!"

Haruki, so full of energy that the people in front of us moved out of the way, answered with that short sentence, then shut his mouth.

Put me down! Your hand is dangerously close to a place that will get you slapped!

After we exited the first floor hallway, we went into another building and up the stairs. We walked into a dark hallway and at its center, Haruki stopped and finally put me down.

There is a door in front of us.

Literature Club

The above crooked nametag is pasted on the door.

"Here it is!"

Without even knocking, Haruki opened the door and walked into the classroom without any consideration. I followed him inside.

It’s a surprisingly large room. Maybe it just seems that way because it only contains a rectangular table, metal chairs, and a bookshelf? Little cracks on the ceiling and the walls showed how ancient this building is.

As if he was included with the room itself, a skinny male student sat alone in a metal chair, reading a big hardcover novel.

"From this day forth, this room shall be ours!"

Haruki crossed his arms as he announced the above formally. His face was shining with that fiery, energetic smile.

If only he’d show that smile in class...

Of course, there’s no way I’d say that thought out loud.

"Wait just a minute. What is this place?"

"This is the Cultural and Arts club building. It has art and music rooms for the Art Club and the Orchestra Club. Clubs and associations without a regular clubroom all hold their activities here in this building, known as the ‘Old Complex’. And this classroom happens to belong the Literature Club."

Did he memorize all that?

"But then what about the Literature Club?"

"After all the third year students graduated this spring, the club had zero members. As no new members were recruited, the club was going to be canceled.”

But then what about the guy in the corner?

“By the way, he's a first year who's their only new member."

"Then they haven't been canceled yet!"

"Bah, same difference! A club with only one member is the same as a club with none."

You… idiot! We’re going to take over other people's clubrooms now?

I took a quick look at the Literature Club student.

He had glasses and short hair. Haruki was being very loud, but the student, however, didn't even lift his head. Apart from occasionally flipping the pages with his fingers, he appeared stationary, completely ignoring our presence. Another strange one…

I lowered my voice and asked Haruki:

"So what about him, then?"

"Oh, him? He said it doesn’t matter!"

"What? Really?"

"I asked him already at lunch time. I said I needed him to lend me the room and he said 'go ahead'. He’s fine with it as long as he can read his books here in peace. Now that you mention it, though, he is pretty weird."

You’re one to talk, Haruki!

This time, I observed him more carefully.

His skin was pale, his face expressionless. His fingers were moving rhythmically like a machine. He wore very thick, square glasses.

He looked like some kind of living doll; the ones crazed toy makers bring to life.

Yeah, he’s definitely a weirdo.

Maybe he noticed my intrusive observation, because the student suddenly lifted his head and pushed the bridge of his glasses up with his index finger. His deep-colored eyes stared at me from under those thick lenses. Neither his eyes nor his lips showed any expression at all, like his face was a mask. He’s quite a bit different from Haruki—his face fundamentally shows no sign of emotion. It’s kind of scary, really.

"Nagato Yuuki."

His tone suggested that most people would forget his name within three seconds of hearing it.

Nagato Yuuki stared at me for a moment; then as if losing interest, he turned his attention back to his book.

"Hey, Nagato-kun," I called out, "Haruki here wants to use your club room for an I-have-no-idea-what-club. Is this all right with you?"

"Yes."

Nagato's gaze never left his book once.

"But, um, we might be trouble for you."

"No matter."

"You might even get thrown out."

"Feel free."

He answered my questions immediately, but he still showed no expression whatsoever. I guess he really doesn’t care after all.

Haruki shrugged at me, then grinned.

"Right, then it's decided!”

He sounds hyper, which gives me a bad feeling. How much caffeine have you had today, Haruki?

"From now on, we will meet in this room after class. Be sure you show up!"

He said this with a smile as brilliant as the crescent moon. Reluctantly, I nodded my head.

If I don’t agree, he might just decide to carry me off to a love hotel or something equally horrible.

The next day after school, due to my newfound duties, I had to turn down Taniguchi and Kunikida's offer to walk home with them, though I won’t miss their snide remarks about my figure.

So, I reluctantly dragged my heavy feet and headed towards the clubroom. Haruhi had only said, "You go first!" and dashed out of the classroom with a speed that the Track and Field Club so badly needed. He’s really fast… I wondered if he had added rockets to his shoes. Is that speed because he was in a hurry to find new club members, or because he’d taken a step forward to meeting aliens?

I can’t possibly match that speed. So, moving slowly, and thanking my stars that he didn’t decide to pick me up again, I headed towards the Literature Club room.

As I entered the clubroom, I discovered Nagato Yuuki already inside, sitting in the same position, reading his book. I approached him slowly, but just like yesterday his head was completely buried in the book, my presence all but ignored. Was the Literature Club a pure reading club? I guess there’s no other reason why he’d be reading all the time.

There was nothing but silence in the clubroom.

"... What are you reading?"

I asked, not being able to stand the silence any longer. Nagato Yuuki answered by raising the book and showing me the cover. My eyes saw a large bunch of dazzling foreign words; it seemed like some sort of science fiction novel, the kind my dad always reads.

"Is it interesting?"

Nagato Yuki pushed his glasses upwards effortlessly before replying in an empty tone:

"Unique."

I guess he’d answer anything I asked him.

"Which part?"

"All of it."

"So you like reading?"

"Very."

"I see..."

"..."

And we’re back to silence again.

As I put my bag down on the desk, I wondered if I could just leave and not deal with Haruki. But just as I prepared to sit down on the steel chair, somebody kicked the door open.

"Hi!" Haruki said expansively, striding through the doorway. "Sorry for being late, but it took a while to, heh, catch him!" He dragged a shorter boy into the room, and then turned and closed the door behind him with an ominous finality.

The boy twitched nervously at the click of the lock. He was small and slim, looking more like a middle school student playing dress-up in a North High uniform. His brown hair was tousled in a sort of childish way, and his large puppy-dog eyes cast around with a silent appeal for help. He reminds me a bit of my little brother.

This is Haruki's "chosen candidate"?

"W-where am I?" the boy said tremulously. "What is this place? Why have you brought me here?"

"Silence!"

The boy flinched at Haruki's sudden threatening tone, and gave an involuntary yelp as Haruki pounced on him, a companionable arm around his shoulders, a huge smile beaming on his face. "This is Asahina Mitsuuru," Haruki said, gesturing with his other hand.

After announcing the boy’s name, Haruhi stopped talking. Wait, that’s the entire introduction?

Silence, yet again, engulfed the classroom. Haruki looked satisfied with his "job well done"; Nagato Yuuki, as usual, kept reading his book without any sign of emotion; and the boy called Asahina Mitsuuru was simply scared out of his wits. Why is nobody saying anything?

So, I started the conversation.

"Where did you kidnap him from?"

I had my hands on my hips as I said this. Maybe being more forceful with Haruki will make him stop this insanity.

"Eh, I didn’t kidnap him! I just forced him to come with me."

That's the same thing!

"He was off daydreaming in one of the second year classrooms, so I grabbed him from there. I've seen him around a lot of times, and I figured that he'd be just perfect for our plans."

Plans? What plans? Wait, so that's what you've been doing during recess time when you're nowhere to be seen in the classroom.

No, wait again, now isn't the time to think about this.

"Look, doesn't that make him an upperclassman?"

Though he doesn’t look like one… but I’m not in any position to talk.

“And that matters because…?”

I looked at him in disbelief. He must have been absent the day that they handed out brains. In any case, being more forceful is not working well.

I sighed. "Okay then... tell me, why did you need to go out of your way to find, erm, Asahina-senpai, right?"

"Just take a look!" Haruki slapped Asahina-sempai on the back with some force, causing him to stumble towards me. I took an involuntary step backwards, and Asahina-sempai ended up grabbing the edge of the table for support.

"See how weak he is?" Haruki declared. "See how easily he's defeated? What he needs is guts! Guts and courage! If you have those, then you'll never be beaten, but if you lack them, then you'll never amount to anything! You won't be worthy of being called a man!"

You know, that really isn’t very nice.

Haruki grasped the air with his fist “Therefore, this will be our club’s first project! To turn this runty weakling, this non-man, into a man to be envied by all! A man among men!”

My first thought was that Haruki had gone so far off the deep end that he’d come out the other side. He does have a point though… Asahina-senpai is probably the least manly man I’d ever seen. He’d be pretty popular with some girls, though. And at least he’s not as crazy as certain unnamed individuals.

“Hey, t-that’s too mean!”

Asahina Mitsuuru had gotten up off the ground, and turned to face Haruki.

“I-I’m a man too, you know!”

"Oh? Is that so?" Haruki draped his arms around Asahina-senpai again.

He looks like a dangerous kidnapper like that.

"How much of a man are you, really?"

Oh no, his eyes look dangerous! Run, Asahina-senpai!

His hand moved down Asahina Mitsuuru’s body, down to...

Oh. Oh my god.

I wasn't sure who screamed first, but I like to think that it was Asahina-sempai, because it's less embarrassing for me. Haruki had gone too far this time.

"Stop that!" I shouted, trying to push the two of them apart. "What the hell do you think you're doing? That's sexual harassment!"

Do you want to be sued!?

“Heh heh, well, what do you know…” Haruhi chuckled without any shame whatsoever. “He is a man after all. You wanna check too?”

I flushed immediately.

“What? No!”

Haruki finally let go of Asahina-senpai, who sagged onto the ground, exhausted.

“You see what I mean, though? If we can turn something like that into the living embodiment of man, the righteousness of our cause shall have been proven to all! All of this, of course, is but a small part of my plan.”

This plan of yours seems dangerous, and not something any sane person would want to get involved with.

“So that’s why you kidnapped him? To make him manlier?”

Asahina-senpai was looking at me with tearful eyes. Maybe he thinks I’m going to save him?

"Well, I thought we could use him to advertise our club too. Kind of like a… mascot character, that’s it. Something like that."

...It’s official. Haruki’s idiocy has broken the bounds of normality. He could join a freak show as “The Most Dangerous Idiot Ever”.

"Oi, Mitsuru-kun, you in any clubs?" Haruki demanded.

"Y... Yes... the Home Economics Club..."

"Quit that! Not manly enough. Besides, it’ll get in the way of my club activities."

Hey, Haruki! That’s way too unreasonable!

Asahina-senpai focused that puppy-dog stare at me, begging to be rescued, and I had to avert my eyes. He then turned his gaze onto the still silent person sitting in the corner of the clubroom, who didn’t even look his way. But Asahina-senpai's eyes widened in surprise, and he gasped.

"I... I understand," he said, in the tone of voice usually reserved for the utterly defeated. "I'll quit the Home Economics club, and join your club..."

What did he just understand?

He hesitated. "But I'm not sure what the Literature club actually does..."

"Oh, don’t worry about that. We're not the Literature club," Haruki explained. As Asahina-senpai looked puzzled, I cut in to explain.

"We're just temporarily borrowing this room for our club activities. The club you have joined is actually a new association that Suzumiya Haruki will create in the near future. We don't know what activities there will be; we don't even have a name."

"...I’m sorry, what...?"

"Oh, and that guy sitting over there is the real and only Literature Club member."

"Oh..."

Asahina-senpai blinked slowly in astonishment, his mouth hanging open. Yeah, that's a predictable reaction.

"It’s no problem at all!"

Cheerful to the point of not being responsible for anything, Haruki smacked Asahina-senpai's shoulder hard.

"I've already thought of the name! That's the most important part of forming a club!"

I thought gathering members was the most important part… oh, whatever.

I glared at Haruki.

"Okay," I said, injecting as much scepticism into my voice as possible, "let's hear it."

I really don’t want to hear the name, but since I already asked, Haruki took a deep breath, in preparation for the momentous revelation of his grand vision.

As everybody knows, it all began as a result of Suzumiya Haruki's simple and naive vision, and for no other reason. And so... the name of our new club has been decided:

The SOS Brigade!

Save the World by

Overloading it with Fun

Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade

The Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade, abbreviated as SOS Brigade.

I give you all permission to laugh.

But before I could even do that though, I stood utterly dumbstruck.

(Why on earth is it called "Brigade"? It should be "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade", but since the club still hadn't satisfied the minimum requirements to become an association and no one but Haruki was sure what the club was all about, Haruki simply said "Well then, let's call it a brigade!" And so the club name was now magnificently born.)

Upon hearing the name, Asahina-senpai closed his mouth dejectedly. Nagato Yuuki could be counted as an outsider, and I didn't know what to say. And so, the motion for the new club name was passed, with one for and three abstentions. The SOS Brigade is now open for business! This is such a wonderful occasion!

Why I am involved in a brigade like this?

I covered my face with my hand.

Sigh… just… do whatever you want!

After saying "Meet here every day after school, or else!” Haruki called it a day.

Asahina-senpai's shoulders drooped, his lifeless figure walking along the corridor further giving off an impression of sadness.

There’s no way I could put up with seeing something like that, so I called out to him.

"Senpai."

"Yes?"

He looked at me with his innocent face, which didn't even look older than mine.

"Look, you don’t have to join a weird club like this if you don’t want to. Don’t worry about Suzumiya; I'll find a way to explain it to him."

"No."

He stopped and smiled at me:

"It's all right. I want to join."

"But this might end up being dangerous for you!”

"That doesn’t matter. Haven’t you joined too?"

No! Whether I joined or not is not the issue here!

"I guess this is the absolute outcome on this Temporal Plane..."

He said with his round eyes staring far off in the distance.

"Um, what's that supposed to mean?"

"Besides, I'm interested in Nagato-san's presence..."

"Interested?"

"E-eh? No, nothing."

Asahina-senpai shook his head in trepidation.

Then Asahina-senpai smiled, looking embarrassed, and gave me a deep bow. "I may be of trouble, so please bear with me from now on."

“You really don't have to do that..."

"And please, call me Mitsuuru from now on."

He smiled.

Aww… he’s so cute!

The following is a conversation I had with Haruki the next day.

"You know what my Brigade needs next?"

"…What?”

"A mysterious transfer student!"

I sighed.

"What, exactly, defines a “mysterious transfer student”?"

"Those that get transferred two months after the school term has started are, without exception, mysterious transfer students."

"Or maybe it's just because their parents got a job transfer and they were forced to come along."

"Bah, that would be too forced and unnatural!"

"You know, I’d really like to know what you of all people considers unnatural.”

"Mm, mysterious transfer students… when will they appear?”

"Why don’t you ever listen to me?!”

Rumours had started to flow in the school that Haruki and I were plotting something.

"Just what exactly are you up to with Haruki?"

Taniguchi seems upset.

"You’re not (gasp) DATING him, are you?"

No way! And if there’s anyone who’d like to know just what we’re doing, it’s me!

"Just don’t do anything too stupid, okay? You're no longer junior high students, they’ll at least suspend you if you vandalize the sports field!"

If it were just Haruki acting alone, I could simply ignore him. But now that he’s got Nagato Yuuki-kun and Asahina Mikuru-senpai— I don’t want them getting involved in this madness.

The thing is though, Haruki’s strong enough to carry me off anywhere he wants… there’s no way I can stop him!

"We need a computer!"

Since the SOS Brigade was founded, the Literature Club room started to have more and more stuff besides the rectangular table, steel chairs and bookshelf.

In the corner now stood a portable hanger cabinet, a flask and cups, a teapot, a CD/MD playing radio, a freezer, sound recorder, cooking pan, bowl, all sorts of cooking utensils, and a PS2. Does he plan to live here or something?

At this moment, Haruki is sitting on a desk he managed to nick from who-knows-where. For some reason, a black triangular pyramid with the words "Brigade Commander" stood on the desk.

"It’s a tragedy! This is the Age of Information, and a Brigade as important as mine doesn’t even have a computer!"

What are you talking about?

In any case, all the members were here today. Nagato Yuuki was in his usual spot, reading a hardback book about a minor satellite of Saturn falling down, or something like that. Asahina-senpai, who didn't have to come, had still obediently arrived and was seated on a steel chair, looking confused.

Haruki jumped off the desk and ran towards me with a sinister smile.

"Which is why I'm going to obtain one now," Haruki said, like a hunter looking for its prey.

"What, you mean a computer? Where from? Please don’t tell me you plan on robbing an electronics store…"

"No, no! Why go all that way when there’s one much closer?"

"Follow me!" Asahina-senpai and I complied with Haruki's orders and followed him down the corridor, eventually arriving at the Computer Club two rooms away.

I’m beginning to see where he’s going with this.

"Take this."

Haruki handed me an instant camera.

"Listen up, Kyon! I’ll tell you my brilliant plan, and you must follow it no matter what! There’s only one chance and one chance only!"

Haruki bent down and whispered his so-called "plan" in my ear.

"What!? You can't do that! That’s blackmail!"

"Does it matter? Besides, this plan is but a small part of my Master Plan!"

“But… Asahina-senpai…”

“Silence!”

Great. Just great. I turned to a puzzled looking Asahina-senpai, trying to warn him by winking at him.

Run, run, or you’ll be well done!

But Asahina-senpai looked surprised at me and started blushing. Hey, exactly what ideas are you getting?

Just as I was about to run away with Asahina-senpai to avoid certain doom, Haruki had knocked on the Computer Club room door.

"What’s up, people?! We’ve decided to come and collect a computer from you!"

The spacing is similar, but compared to our room, this room was narrower. Each of the evenly spaced desks had a desktop computer on it with CD sound effects. The computer fans whirling away were the only sounds heard in the room.

The five girls sitting on their seats typing on their keyboards all stuck their heads out towards the door to see what Haruki was up to.

"So, who’s in charge here!?"

Haruhi smiled pompously.

A short female student stood up and answered.

"I'm the president, can I help you?"

"Do I really have to repeat myself? As I said: give me a computer."

The nameless Computer Study Group president displayed a "What the hell?" expression and violently shook her head.

"No way! Since the school doesn’t give us enough money, we bought these computers ourselves, with hard-earned cash! We’re not just going to give them to you for free! Do you think we’re idiots?"

"What does it matter? We only need one, and you have soooo many!"

Haruki said this while sweeping his hand across the room.

"That... wait a minute, who are you guys anyway?"

"I am Suzumiya Haruki, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade, and these are Subordinate One and Subordinate Two."

Since when are we your subordinates?

"In the name of my SOS Brigade, I demand that you hand over a computer at once! No excuses!”

"Look, I have no clue who you guys are, but no way are you getting a computer from us! You go buy your own"

"Fine then. We have our… (heh) ways."

Haruki's eyes blazed with confidence. I’ve got a bad feeling about this…

Haruki walked over to one of the shelves on the wall.

"I've heard about a certain group of girls who are totally into some really nasty, forbidden-in-school stuff. They even produce their own doujinshi manga to sell at Comiket, the major part of it all using a very public school club fund..."

Haruki punched the section of wall beneath the shelf, making a box fall down. Many books fell from it with their pages wide open.

I blushed very hard at all those man-on-man images. This is sick.

“I-I can explain!”

The president began to protest loudly.

“Those are our, um, private, um…”

“Silence.”

Haruki had apparently had enough.

“Here’s how this is going to go down. You’re going to give us a computer, and I won’t tell anyone that you’re making gay porn manga with the school’s money.”

"Did you come here just to blackmail us?" One of the members asked.

“No, I came here to extort a computer from you.”

That’s the same thing!

“No.”

The president had decided to stand up for herself.

“Even if you tell the administration, we can just get rid of them! You’ll have no proof! What do you say to that?”

Haruki grinned like the Cheshire Cat.

“Kyon, take a photo of contents of that box, would you?”

Click!

I reluctantly pressed the shutter. Great, now I’m an accomplice in blackmail.

“Kyaaaaaah!”

That would be the president shrieking.

“Y-you still don’t have any proof! That photo could have been taken in any room in this building!”

Still grinning, Haruki swept the hair back out of his face.

“Okay, then. We’ll trade. We’ll take your computer, and you can have Mitsuuru-kun as your personal shouta butler. I notice you seem to be into that kinda thing.”

The president blushed slightly and looked sideways at Asahina-senpai.

“Our personal butler… but how do I know he isn’t just some girl you grabbed and threw into a male uniform?”

“Oh, that’s easy enough.”

Haruki pushed Asahina-senpai, who was standing awestruck next to her, towards the president, and then he grabbed her and put it in Asahina-senpai’s pants.

"Kyaaaaaa!!"

"Whaaaaa!?"

Click!

At the sound of the two screaming, I clicked the camera shutter again.

Haruki grabbed Asahina-senpai, preventing him from escaping, and then shoved the president towards him. Asahina-senpai collapsed, the president on top of him.

"Kyon! One more picture!"

Once again, I pressed the shutter. Asahina-senpai, nameless president, you both have my sincerest apologies.

"Wha-what the hell!?"

The president had rolled of Asahina-senpai.

Haruki wiggled his finger at the furiously blushing president.

"If the photos of your gay porn isn’t enough, this should be enough for the administration to disband your club!”

"What kind of joke is this!?"

The president protested furiously once again. I feel really sorry for her.

"You forcefully grabbed my hand! I'm innocent this time!"

This time?

"Really now? Who’s going to believe you? With the rumours and my photographic evidence, there’s no way you’re getting out of this one.”

I turned and looked at Asahina-senpai lying face on the ground paralysed. He must have been in so much shock that all energy had left him.

In the meantime, the president continued to resist.

"My members are all witnesses to my innocence! That wasn’t my fault!"

The four members who were standing dumbstruck around the room all nodded their heads vehemently.

"That's right!"

"Our president is innocent!"

Haruki wouldn’t be Haruki if he actually listened to you. It’d be easier just to give up the computer.

The already wide smile on Haruki’s face got even wider.

"Right, then I'll just say you girls gang-raped him!"

You could have heard a pin drop.

“T-that’s stupid! Girls can’t rape guys!”

“Really now? Let me tell you a story. A poor, innocent upperclassman was passing through this hallway, when he happened upon a group of sick, depraved females. These women decided to entice him into their den of evil with candy and other such sweets, but, lo! When he entered, he was set upon by the cruel women, who proceeded to touch him in all sorts of uncomfortable places! Fortunately, I happened along, and managed to get evidence of their crimes before rescuing the helpless upperclassman! Behold, for I am now a hero!”

Haruki laughed long and loud.

I think this is the point where I should check him into a mental asylum.

"S... Suzumiya-san...! T-that’s not what happened…"

Asahina-senpai desperately looped his arms around Haruki's legs, but Haruki simply kicked him off. He then inflated his chest and arrogantly said:

"So, what is it then? Are you giving us a computer? Or having your reputation ruined forever?"

The president's face went from red to white, finally turning dark.

In the end, she surrendered.

"Just pick one and get out!"

Having said that, the president sat down dejectedly. Her members all rushed towards her.

"President!"

"Are you okay?"

"It’s going to be all right!"

The president's head drooped like a puppet whose strings were broken. Seeing such a broken figure, even if I am Haruki's companion, I couldn't help but shed tears of sadness for her.

"Which one is the latest model?"

Haruki! That’s enough! You’re so cold-blooded!

"Why should we tell you!?"

The angry members continued their meagre resistance, but Haruhi simply pointed at me and the camera I was still holding.

"Goddammit… that one.”

Haruki looked in the direction the president pointed and inspected the model and serial number of the computer. Then, he took out a piece of paper from his blazer pocket.

"I went to the electronics store and asked for a list of the latest models. This isn’t one of them."

How far ahead has he planned everything out? This is getting to be a bit scary.

After inspecting all the other computers, Haruki pointed to one of them.

"Give me this one."

"W... wait! We just bought that last month!"

"Camera."

"... T-take it, you thieves!"

Like she said, we were truly thieves.

Haruki's greed truly knew no bounds. After plucking all the cables and wires, he moved all the necessary equipment back to the Literature Club room without any consideration. He then had the Computer Club people reinstall the wires for us and had them lay two Internet cables from their room to ours, so we could use the Internet. He even forced them to set up an Intranet for us. He’s not better than a common criminal!

"Senpai."

Since I was totally helpless in the face of the Lunacy of Suzumiya Haruki, I could only shake the shoulder of a scarred and devastated Asahina-senpai, who was kneeling on the ground, covering his face and sobbing endlessly.

"Let's go back."

"Sob..."

Haruki, you idiot, aren’t you supposed to be making Asahina-senpai more manly!? Not turning him into a nervous wreck!

I comforted poor Asahina-senpai, while mumbling about what on earth Haruki wanted a computer for.

Very soon, I would find out.

And that is to make an SOS Brigade website!

This begs the question: Who should make the website?

"You, of course!" Haruki said.

"You’ve got a lot of free time, so you do it!”

What about you?

“I'm too busy looking for more members!"

The computer was placed on the desk with the "Brigade Commander" pyramid.

Haruki added while surfing the net with his mouse:

"Complete it within the next day or so. We can’t start doing anything without a web page."

Asahina-senpai's body lay draped over the desk, his shoulders shivering, next to where Nagato Yuuki is sitting, who, as usual just reads a book, ignoring everything. Since it seems like I'm the only one who heard what Haruki was saying, I had no choice but to comply with him. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what Haruki himself thought.

"Look, even if you say that, I can’t design your website."

Haruki sighed.

"What if I get you a nice present then? I promise you'll like it!"

...? Is he being generous for once?

I guess I should go ahead and try to make the web page then, although I haven't ever made one before. Besides, it sounds pretty interesting.

And so, my arduous website design began on the second day.

Even having said that, it was much easier than I thought it’d be. Because the Computer Club girls already had installed all the software on the hard drive, all I needed to do was just follow the program’s instructions, do some copy and pasting, and that was it.

The problem is, though, what should I put on the website?

Right now, I still didn't know what the SOS Brigade is about, so I had absolutely no idea what to write about. After writing 'Welcome to the SOS Brigade Home Page!' on the top, I simply stopped.

"Hurry up and finish it, you hear?"

Haruki's words resounded like a curse in between my ears, so I had to spend lunch break in the clubroom designing the rest of the website.

"Nagato-kun, do you have any ideas on what to write?" I asked.

Nagato seemed to come here even during lunch break.

"Not really."

He didn't even look up. I know this is none of my business, but does he even pay attention in class?

Turning my eyes from Nagato back to the 17-inch monitor, I fell back into deep thought.

I suddenly thought of a problem: what would happen if the school found out that a yet-to-be-recognized association is using their bandwidth to host a website?

"Eh, don’t worry!" I imagined Haruki replying, "If they do find out, we’ll just abandon the whole thing. First come, first served, you know?"

Really, in some ways, I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's happy-go-lucky attitude towards life!

After making some website links and writing the email address— it's a bit early to set up a forum— I uploaded the website, which only contained a front page without any details on it.

That should satisfy him! After making sure the page could load, I switched off the computer. As I was about to stretch, I was startled to find Nagato standing right behind me.

Weird! How come I didn't hear his footsteps? I didn't know when Nagato arrived behind me. His face was as white as a mask. He stared at me with his poker face as though I was some eye test chart.

"Take this."

He handed me a very thick book, which I impulsively took. It sure is heavy!

Looking at the cover, it was the science fiction novel Nagato was reading a few days ago.

"For you."

After saying that, Nagato left the room without even turning back; I didn't even have time to say anything. Why are you lending such a thick book to me? Is this your idea of a confession or something?

At that moment, the bell rang signalling the end of lunch break. It seems like there aren't a lot of people who respect my opinion.

After I carried the hardback book back to the classroom and sat down, I felt someone tugging at my ponytail.

"So, is my website done?"

Haruki held the edges of the desk and stared at me with a rigid face. I noticed that his notebook was full of scribbles here and there. As I replied, I tried to ignore the stares of my classmates.

"Yeah, it's done, but it's a simple, crappy little website."

"Good enough! All it needs is an email address!"

Why can't you register your own free email address!?

"That won't do! What if a lot of people sent their mail in and flooded my inbox?"

I don't get it How a newly registered email address could get flooded with mail so quickly?

"That’s top secret!"

He gave a sinister grin after he said this. Part of your master plan again, Haruki?

Once again, I have a baaaad feeling about this.

"Don’t worry! You’ll find out after school, but until then, it's classified information."

Please, I’d rather never find out what it is!

In sixth period, Haruki was nowhere to be seen in class. He couldn't have gone home, could he? No, that’d be too easy for me. It's probably just another bad omen.

Very soon, it was the end of class, and I started automatically walking towards the clubroom. Though my footsteps never stopped, I did wonder why I was going there. Finally, I arrived.

"Hi there!"

As expected, there sat Nagato Yuuki and Asahina-senpai.

I know I'm not one to criticize, but these two certainly have a lot of free time on their hands.

Seeing me enter, Asahina-senpai greeted me with a relieved expression. I guess having to spend time alone with Nagato can be exhausting, huh?

Hey, wait a minute! You suffered through Haruki's evil clutches yesterday, and you're still coming today?

"Where's Suzumiya-san?"

"God knows. He hasn't been in the class since sixth period. He probably went off to steal equipment from somewhere again."

“Will, um, will I have to do what Suzumiya-san had me do yesterday again...?"

Seeing how depressed poor Asahina-senpai looked, I said gently:

"Don't worry! If he tries anything strange again, I'll do everything in my power to stop him! He can use his own body for blackmail! I may not be as strong as he is, but I’m sure I can get him to listen to me!"

"Thank you."

He gave me a cute little bow as he said this.

I really felt like giving him a big hug. I didn’t, though. People would probably get the wrong idea.

"Then I'm counting on you."

"It’s no problem at all!"

Even though I repeatedly assured him, five minutes later, all those reassurances got thrown out the window, into the sea, and evaporated like a water droplet on the surface of the sun. I am -such- an idiot!

"Hey, everybody!"

Haruki greeted us energetically as he entered the room, carrying with him two paper bags. Oh wait, is that the present he promised me?

"Sorry guys, I got delayed."

Just like you, isn’t it? For someone as obsessive as Haruki, being considerate of others is probably the last thing on his mind.

Placing the paper bags on the ground, Haruki turned and locked the door. Asahina-senpai reflexively shuddered upon hearing the door click. Is he like a trained animal that’s learned to expect impending doom when hearing that noise?

"Suzumiya, what are you planning today? I’m putting my foot down, we’re not doing any more stealing or blackmail!"

"What are you talking about? I’d never be involved in something like that!”

Really now? Then how, exactly, do you explain the computer on the desk!?

"Tribute from my vassals! Anyway, moving on, take a look at THIS!"

He pulled out a huge stack of A4 papers with some handwriting on them from one of the paper bags.

"These fliers will spread the Word of the SOS Brigade to everyone! Believe me, it took me a lot of hard work to sneak into the photocopying room and print these 200 fliers!"

Haruki handed out the fliers to us. So that's why you skipped class, huh? Consider yourself lucky that the teachers didn’t catch you. Though I bet they’re wondering what happened to all the paper in the photocopier… I wasn't the least bit interested in what was written on the fliers, but since I've already taken one, I guess I’ll read it.

The SOS Brigade founding principle:

We, the SOS Brigade, are seeking all sorts of paranormal events in this world. We welcome anyone who has experienced, is experiencing, or senses that they will experience any kind of supernatural or mysterious events to come to us for consultation. We will do our best to answer your questions. Please note, however, that we do not handle normal paranormal events; it must be an abnormal paranormal event for us to even be interested. Our email address is...

I'm starting to have a faint idea of what the SOS Brigade is all about now. Though, considering what Haruki said way back when, maybe all this just his convoluted way of finding himself a bride?

I’m confused now.

"Right then, it’s time to hand out the fliers."

"Where do we do that?"

"At the school gate. At this time of day, there are still a lot of students who haven't gone home yet."

Yes, yes, yes, whatever you say, Captain Haruki. Just as I'm about to pick up the paper bag with the fliers, he stopped me.

"You don't have to go, just Mitsuuru-kun and myself will do."

"Sorry?"

Asahina-senpai, who was carrying a flier in his small hands, turned his head looking puzzled. I turned and saw Haruki fumbling through the other paper bag, taking out something.

"Voila!"

Smiling as happily as a robotic cat, Haruki pulled out a piece of black leather. Oh, no way! As Haruki finished emptying the contents of the paper bag from the fourth dimension, I understood why he wanted Asahina-senpai to hand out fliers with him. Asahina-senpai, you have my prayers for your soul!

Black leather pants, a bow tie, white cuffs, and a sleeveless white tuxedo shirt.

Chippendales!?

…I don’t think I’ve ever been so glad in my entire life that I’m not the one getting a present.

"W... What are those for?" Asahina-senpai asked timidly.

"You should know. To dress up as a male stripper!" Haruki said unblushingly.

"Y-You can’t possibly expect me to wear that in public d-do you?"

"Of course! I even bought one for you!"

"I... I'm not wearing that!"

"Don't worry, it’ll fit perfectly! I know your measurements by heart!"

"W-when did you…! Never mind… y... you wouldn't want me to wear that at the school entrance, w-would you?"

“Of course! Aren’t you a man!"

"I don't wanna wear the stripper outfit!"

"Bah! Shut up and put it on!”

That’s it. Haruki leapt onto Asahina-senpai, like a tiger preying upon a helpless samba deer, and began ripping of his uniform.

"NOOO..."

"Now be a big boy and don't move!" Haruki said roughly while swiftly pulling off Asahina-senpai's blazer and moving onto Asahina-senpai's pants. Just as I was about to stop Haruki's insanity, my eyes met Asahina-senpai's.

"D... DON'T LOOK!!"

Hearing his scream, I hurriedly ran towards the door... and damn it! The door's locked! It took a couple minutes before I could unlock the door and rush out of the room.

Before I left, I took one quick look backwards — I saw Nagato reading his book as if nothing had happened. Doesn't he have anything to say about this!? This is wrong!

I leaned back on the door, hearing poor Asahina-senpai's screams from behind it.

"Kyaa~~!!" "Nooo!" "A... at least let me take it off myself... Sob~~!"

These are mixed in with Haruki's yells of victory.

"That's great!" "Take that off! Quickly!" "You should have done what I said!"

I really, really don’t want to think about what’s going on inside that room.

A moment later, Haruki's voice came through the door.

"Hey! Come back in and check us out!”

As I sighed, entering the room, I was greeted by the sight of two Chippendale dancers.

Aggh… their pants are so tight as to show every part of their lower body off in [I]great[/I] detail…

Haruki, predictable fits the costume like he was born for it, but Asahina-senpai... his personality doesn’t go well with the costume at all.

Just as I was wondering whether to try to comfort his crying face and say, "The costume suits you," Haruki said:

"Well, what do you think?"

Is your skull badly damaged!? What do you think I think!?

"This is going to grab everyone's attention.” said Haruhi. “At this rate, people will definitely come to get the flyers! Especially if I do this!"

At that, Haruhi began slowly unbuttoning his shirt while gyrating his hips and rocking his head from side to side.

Oh my god. I could feel the blood rushing to my face.

“S-stop it!”

That was the only thing I could think of to say.

“What? You don’t like it?”

“Please, just promise me you won’t do that in public…”

“But that’d destroy the whole point of wearing something like this!"

"If you do such strange things like that out in the open, people are going to look at you funny... Wait a minute, how come Nagato-kun doesn't need to wear this?"

"I only bought two sets. Since they come with accessories, they were very expensive."

"Where'd you buy this stuff anyway?"

"Internet."

"... Right."

Haruki picked up the paper bag containing the flyers.

"Let's go, Mitsuuru-kun."

Asahina-senpai hugged himself tightly and looked at me pleadingly.

I'm so sorry, Asahina-senpai. I just couldn't dredge up any resistance. Besides, Haruki’s stripping nearly killed me.

Asahina-senpai tried to grab the table and resist, sobbing like a kid, but he was no match for Haruki’s strength. He was dragged away by Haruki, and the two Chippendales disappeared from the room. Just as I sat down dejectedly, feeling really guilty...

"That."

Nagato Yuuki pointed on the ground. I looked and saw two male uniforms lying there... Erm, are those heart-patterned boxers I just saw?

The thin, spectacled boy pointed at the cabinet at the other side of the room and then went back to reading his book.

Can't you pick up the clothes yourself!?

I sighed and went to pick up their clothes, placing them in the cabinet. Aggh, you could feel their body heat on the clothes! They're still warm! Ew!

Half an hour later, an exhausted Asahina-senpai returned. It looked like he had been crying. Should I say something? I hurriedly gave him a chair, and like last time, he simply sat down and drooped towards the table, his shoulders shivering. Looks like he doesn't even have the strength to change. In the face of such despair, my maternal instincts kicked in, so I took off my cardigan and draped it across his little shoulders. The presence of a sobbing Chippendale dancer and a bookworm who didn't care about what was going on, along with me who was utterly at a loss with what to do, had brought the atmosphere of the room to an all-time low. The screams of the Baseball Club could be heard in the distance.

As I was about to think of what to make for dinner tonight, Haruki returned.

The first thing he did was grind his teeth angrily:

"Damn them! Damn those teachers! They always get in my way!"

Not sure why he was so angry, I coolly asked:

"There a problem?"

"I hadn't even handed out half the fliers and in comes a stupid teacher asking us to stop handing them out! What the hell is wrong with her?"

Idiot! If the teachers ignored something like students dressing up as Chippendales and handing out flyers at the school entrance, then that'd be abnormal!

"Mitsuuru-kun was nearly in tears, I got taken to see the Principal, and then Handball Queen Okabe showed up!"

I’ll bet the Principal and Okabe-sensei probably didn't know where to put their eyes when looking at you dressed in that outfit.

"Gah, this makes me ANGRY! That's it! You’re all dismissed!"

Haruki slowly took off his cuffs and then proceeded to strip of his shirt. I immediately ran out of the room at top speed.

"How long are you going to cry like that? Where are your balls now, eh? Hurry up and change!"

I leaned on the corridor wall and waited for them to change. In any case, it doesn’t look like he was doing that to attract women; just that he was trying to attract attention in general. Does he even know how an outfit like that would affect people?

It looks like, at this rate, there's no way he can experience a normal romantic relationship.

I wish he could be more considerate of how girls think. At least be considerate for me! Honestly, to hang out with such a crazy person is really exhausting. Besides, I had to wish for that for Asahina-senpai's sake . Right... Nagato, at least let us know what your opinion is!

A while later, Asahina-senpai emerged from the room, giving a sad expression of someone who had just failed his exams. He needed to support himself on the wall to stop from falling down. I didn’t know what I could possibly say to him, so I just stood there in silence.

"Kyon-nee-san..."

His voice sounds as insubstantial as one of those ghosts from the haunted sunken cruise ships.

"You promised to protect me from Suzumiya-san... Why didn’t you?"

I really don’t have anything to say… and, why are you calling me Kyon as well!?

Asahina-senpai returned my cardigan to me in a robotic way, turned, and walked away.

Poor kid… dammit, Haruki!

The next day, Asahina-senpai took the day off.

Haruki was already famous enough in school, but after the stripper incident, his name and weirdness had become the stuff of school legend. Not that I really mind, since Haruki’s actions are NOT MY FAULT. Not at all!

What I do mind though, is that Suzumiya Haruki's actions have caused everyone to start gossiping about poor Asahina Mitsuuru-senpai as well. That, and the odd glares I received from everyone at school.

"Hey, Kyon... seems like you're having a fun time with Suzumiya..."

Taniguchi said to me in a sarcastic tone after school. "I never thought you’d get that close to him... I guess nothing is really impossible, huh?"

Oh, shut up!

"I was so suprised! Seeing some kind of male strippers while I was heading home, I thought I was dreaming!"

Kunikida joined in the conversation, carrying a familiar-looking flier with her.

"What’s this “SOS Brigade”? What's it about?"

Go ask Haruki that question. I don't know, nor do I want to. Even if I did, I don't feel like telling you!

"It asks us to provide any paranormal events, but it doesn't define what those are. And, what does it mean by not handling normal paranormal events?"

Aggh, stop talking! I don’t want to think about it!

Even Asakura Ryou came to have a word with me. That was when I felt really guilty.

"You guys seem to be doing some interesting stuff. But if it's something that's as overboard as that, I’d suggest you to stop at once. You guys went too far yesterday."

If I had known, I would have joined Asahina-senpai in taking the day off…

Haruki is still mad. On one hand, he's mad that the teachers stopped him from handing out the fliers; on the other hand, he's mad that the SOS Brigade email inbox is completely empty. I expected one or two prank mails in the inbox, but it turns out people were more rational than I thought. I guess, after the display yesterday, no one wants to get involved with what appears to be a strip club?

Haruki scowled at the empty inbox, shaking the optical mouse vigorously.

"Why is no one sending us any mail?!"

"There wasn't any yesterday or today. Maybe it’s just that our club looks too shady for everyone to share their paranormal experiences with us?"

I tried to explain. I don’t think I was very convincing.

‘Have you experienced any paranormal events?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Oh, that's great, then please tell me.’ ‘All right, actually...’

Oh, please!

Something like would never happen, OK? YOU listen up, Haruki! Those sorts of things would only occur in a cheap light novel series! Real life is very cruel. Things like a conspiracy to destroy the world from a normal prefecture high school, evil demons from another plan of existence, or a spaceship hidden inside a mountain, all these things are impossible. Impossible! You hear me? You understand now, don't you? All your crazy behaviour is a result of you not being able to find a way to release your unhappy emotions, isn't that right? But now it's time for you to wake up! You should settle down and find a girlfriend who would walk with you to school every day and who you could take to the movies on Sundays, or maybe you should join some sports clubs to release all that excess energy. With your abilities, you'd get into the first team you picked in no time, becoming an full-time member.

...I had wanted to say a lot more, but I had only thought up the first five lines when Haruki’s fists started waving at me, so I'd better stop here.

"Mitsuuru-kun took the day off today?"

"Maybe he's not ever coming back. I hope he wasn’t permanently traumatized by what you did yesterday, poor kid..."

"Damn, a pity! And I had prepared a new costume for him today too!"

"Can’t you just wear these things by yourself?!”

"What? No, this one wouldn’t fit me at all. I did get one for you, though."

Haruki grinned.

“You know, the present I promised you?”

Oh no, no no no. God no.

“Oh! Look at the time! I promised to prepare dinner tonight! I gotta go, bye!”

I dashed out of the clubroom to Haruki’s shouts of ‘Hey, wait!’ Dammit, Nagato, can’t you ever say anything at all?

Haruki’s ‘mysterious transfer student’ had finally arrived.

Haruki himself told me the ‘great’ news before homeroom the next day.

"It’s awesome, isn’t it? The transfer student's really here! I'm so happy!"

Haruki leaned forward towards me, speaking elatedly. His intense smile was like a kindergarten kid finally getting the toy he’d wanted.

I don't know where he got it from, but the transfer student is apparently going to be in Class 1-9.

"Chance! It’s too bad they’re not in our class, but they’re definitely a mysterious transfer student, no mistake about that!”

You haven't even met him or her, so how do you even know if they're a mysterious transfer student?

"Eh? I already told you. A high percentage of those that get transferred in the middle of the school term are abnormal."

Where on earth did you get such a statistic? The Internet? Aren’t 75% percent of statistics on the Internet made up on the spot?

Besides, if everyone who gets transferred in the middle of May is abnormal, then there'd be loads of mysterious transfer students all over Japan.

Haruki’s way of thinking, though, cannot be confined by logic. After the first session bell rang, Haruki instantly bolted out of the classroom. He probably went to visit Mysterious Transfer Student in Class 1-9.

Just before the bell rang to signal the beginning of class, he returned with a puzzled face.

"So are they a mysterious transfer student...?"

"Mm, doesn't feel like one."

I wouldn’t have expected anything else.

"We talked, but I still don't have enough information. They could just be pretending to be a normal person, that’s a certainty. It’s not like they’d expose themselves on the first day anyway. I'll go ask again at the next break."

Oh, please don't go ask again! I can imagine the Class 1-9 students, who had nothing to do with Haruki, being scared to death by his sudden appearance while he grabbed one of the students to ask, "Where's the mysterious transfer student?", before he rushed in. That, or he’d barge in when the student was having a conversation with his (or her) friends and interrogate the startled transfer student with questions like "Where are you from? Who are you really? Are you an alien? Will you marry me?"

Aggh, just thinking about it gives me a headache!

At this moment, I thought of something else.

"Is the transfer student a guy or a girl?"

"Mm, though she could be cleverly disguising herself, she appears to be female."

Then I’m pretty sure she’s a girl!

Then it seems like the SOS Brigade has a chance of recruiting another female member besides me. Haruki might just carry that transfer student in the door without hearing her opinion simply because she's new. Although, it might save me from cosplaying as a bunny girl or something just as horrifying.

No matter how strong-willed Haruki is, someone with just as strong a will would just ignore him. Of course, they’d also have to be strong enough to avoid being carried off…

As long as we have the numbers, the "Save the world by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki’s Brigade" would be formed as an association. It doesn’t matter if the school recognizes it or not; the person that will have to do all the menial secretarial tasks is... me! For the next three years, I’ll carry the title of "Subordinate of Suzumiya Haruki" and live my days in despair!

I still hadn't thought of what I want to do when I graduate, but if I wanted to go to a university, I’d have to behave myself.

But as long as I'm at Haruki’s side, it seems that this wish could never become true.

What should I do?

I couldn't think of anything.

I know that I should have just confronted Haruki, had him dismiss the SOS Brigade, and then tried my best to persuade him to live a normal high school life. Perhaps I could have gotten him to stop thinking about aliens and time travelers, settle down and find a girlfriend, or join some sports club, and be content with these three years of high school.

…It would have been really great if I had done that!

If I'd had stronger willpower, I wouldn't have gotten sucked so helplessly into the black hole centred around Suzumiya Haruki. I would have just lived out these three years of high school and graduated in a normal fashion.

... Oh how I wish! I wish it could have been like that! If wishes were fishes!

The reason I'm saying all this is because of all the strange events that happened to me afterward; everyone understands how I’m thinking, right? Where to begin…?

Right, let's start from when the mysterious transfer student first arrived in our clubroom.