Suzumiya Haruki no Seitenkan:Volume1 Chapter2

It seemed like my horrible premonition had come true.

After class, Haruki didn't disappear instantly from the classroom as usual. This time, he picked me up off the ground as though I weighed nothing, and proceeded to carry me (kicking and yelling) through the corridors, up the stairs, and all the way to just in front of the door leading to the rooftop.

This is not what I meant when I said I wanted to be swept off my feet by a handsome prince. I don’t even want to think about what the rest of the class must have thought…

The door here is usually locked, and the staircase above the fourth floor seems to have been used as a storage room by the Art Club. Giant canvases, near broken picture frames, statues of war gods with missing noses and such are all piled up in this little staircase, making what is supposed to be a narrow space even narrower.

What's the point in bringing me to a place like this? Is he going to make me his bride? I’m not an alien! Put me down!

He did.

"Help me out."

...Haruki said with both his hands on my shoulders, looking straight into my eyes. This feels like a confession.

Great, now I’m blushing.

"Help you with what...?"

"Help me make my new club!"

"Okay, wait a minute. Why on earth should I help you make something you just thought up five minutes ago?"

"I’ll need to secure a room for the club as well as members, so I’ll need you to find out what paperwork the administration needs."

He wasn't even listening to me!

I grabbed Haruki’s hands and removed them from my shoulders.

"What exactly is this club going to be about?"

"What does that matter? The most important thing right now is to make the club!"

I really don't think the school's gonna let you make a club with no clear goals in mind, Haruki.

"Listen up, Kyon! After school today, you’ll go and find out what needs to be done, and I'll go and find a room for the club. Okay?"

If I had replied with a ‘NO!’ he'd probably have done something horrible to me. While I was hesitating on the best way to phrase a complete and outright refusal, Haruki had already run off down the stairs, leaving a very disorientated schoolgirl standing alone at the top of a dusty stairwell.

"... But I haven't even agreed to help..."

Sigh, saying that to a plaster statue is pointless. I could only drag my heavy feet back to the classroom, thinking about how I’d explain the previous scene to my curious classmates.

---

Requirements for organizing an "association": Five or more members. A sponsor teacher, a club name, a designated chairperson, and a summary of projected club goals and activities. Approval from the School Council Executive Committee. Adherence to the School Policy of creativity and vivaciousness. Based on the association's records and results, the Executive Committee reserves the right to promote the association into a 'study group'. Associations do not get school funding.

I didn't really have to go out and look for the requirements-- they were all listed at the back of the student handbook.

The membership requirements would be easy to take care of; we could probably just grab anybody to make up the numbers. And it probably wouldn't be much harder to get a teacher to sponsor us. The name merely had to be inoffensive... and the chairperson? No doubt it'd be Haruki himself.

I was willing to bet, however, that our club activities were probably not going to adhere to school policy.

Of course, it's not as if Haruki cares about the rules at all.

---

As the bell rang to signify the end of class, Haruki demonstrated his horrific, ogre-like strength as he simply grabbed me, threw me over his shoulder and took off. It was all I could do to grab my bag before we zoomed away.

"Where the hell are we going!?" I asked, because that's what any normal person would do. That, and I was panicking at my second kidnapping in a day.

"The clubroom!" was Haruki's curt response, as he bowled over a few slow-moving students before sinking back into silence. Put me down, you idiot! Your hands are dangerously close to a place that will get you slapped!

We crossed the passages between buildings and descended the stairs to the first floor, before heading to a different building and hurtling up another staircase. Haruki stopped in the middle of a dimly-lit hallway, and finally set me down.

There was a door in front of us. Literature Club, the crooked nametag above the door announced.

"Here it is!"

Without even knocking, Haruki opened the door and barged into the room without even a hint of consideration for anybody. Reluctantly, I followed him inside.

The room was surprisingly large, maybe because the only things inside were a long table, cold metal chairs, and a few steel bookshelves. Tiny cracks on the ceiling and walls told the tale of the decrepit state of the building.

And seated in one of the metal chairs, as though he were just another piece of furniture, sat a skinny male student reading a thick hardcover novel.

"From this day forth, this room shall be ours!" announced Haruki in a dignified fashion, crossing his arms across his chest. His face was shining with that fiery, energetic smile. If only he'd show that smile in class...

Of course, there’s no way I’d say that thought out loud.

"Wait just a minute," I said. "Where is this place?"

"We're in the Cultural and Arts club building. You know how the Art Club and the Orchestra get their own art and music rooms? Well, clubs that don't get special rooms like that hold all their meetings here, in this building. It's called the Old Complex. And this particular room happens to belong to the Literature Club!"

Did he memorize all that?

"Then, what about the Literature Club?"

Haruki waved a hand dismissively. "After all the third-years graduated in spring, the club had zero members. If nobody had joined this year, the club would've been cancelled."

What about the guy in the corner?

"Well, as it is, he's their only new member. He's a first-year, like us."

"Well, then, the club hasn't been cancelled!"

"Bah, same difference! A club with only one member is the same as a club with none, you know?"

You… idiot! We’re going to take over other people's clubrooms now?

I glanced at the Literature Club's newest member. He had short hair and glasses, and hadn't looked up once. Apart from his fingers moving merely to turn a page of his novel, he hadn't moved at all, and was completely ignoring our presence. Another strange one...

"What about him?" I whispered sideways to Haruki.

"He said he's fine with it."

"For real?"

"I asked him during lunch. I told him I needed him to lend us the room, and he said go ahead, so long as he can read his books in here in peace. Now that you mention it, though, he is pretty weird."

You’re one to talk, Haruki!

This time, I observed him more carefully.

His skin was pale, his face expressionless. Robot finger movements. Thick, square glasses glared sharply in the sunlight, concealing his eyes; it made me want to take them off to see what he looked like. He was almost like some sort of living doll.

As if he had noticed my observations, he suddenly lifted his head and adjusted his glasses slightly. Dark-colored eyes stared at me from beneath those thick lenses; his face revealed no expression at all. He was almost entirely unlike Haruki - his face defaulted to a poker face.

It’s kind of scary, really.

"Nagato Yuuki."

His tone suggested that most people would forget his name within three seconds of hearing it. He stared at me for a moment, then, as if losing interest, turned back to his book.

"Say, Nagato-kun." I said, hesitantly. "Haruki here wants to use your room for an I -have-no-idea-what Club. Is that really alright with you?"

"Yes."

Nagato's gaze never left his book once.

"But, um, we might be trouble for you."

"No matter."

"You might even get chased out of here, or something..."

"Feel free."

He answered my questions immediately, but there was no sense of feeling in any of his responses. I guess he really didn't care either way, so long as he had his books.

Haruki shrugged at me, then grinned.

"Right, then it's decided!”

He sounded really hyper; it gave me a bad feeling. How much caffeine have you had today, Haruki?

"From now on, we will meet in this room after class. Be sure you show up! Or else!"

He said this with a smile as dazzling as the crescent moon. Reluctantly, I nodded my head.

I really didn't want to know what twisted schemes he had in store for me if I didn't show up.

---

The next day, after school, I regretfully declined Taniguchi and Kunkida's offer to walk home with them - though I wasn't going to miss their snide comments about my figure - and reluctantly dragged my heavy feet towards the clubroom.

Haruki had already told me "You go on ahead!" and dashed out of the room with a speed which reminded me why the Athletics Club so feverently desired his membership. He's so fast... maybe he attached booster rockets to his feet? Is he excited because he's going to go find members for our group? Or because he's a single step closer to meeting aliens?

I can’t possibly match that speed. So, I slung my bookbag over my shoulder and unenthusiastically slouched towards the Literature Clubroom, thanking my lucky stars that he hadn't simply decided to kidnap me again.

---

Nagato Yuuki was already in the classroom when I got there. He was even in the exact same position as last time, and, just like yesterday, was ignoring my presence, his head buried in the book. I know this is the Literature Club, but doesn't he do anything besides read?

Silence.

"... What are you reading?" I asked, unable to stand the silence any longer. Instead of answering, Nagato Yuuki merely raised the book he was reading to show me the cover. It was lettered with flashy foreign words that I had no hope of understanding. I think it might’ve been some kind of science fiction book, the kind my dad always reads.

"Is it interesting?"

"Is it interesting?"

He pushed up the bridge of his glasses with a slight motion, and replied in an empty voice. "Unique."

I got the feeling he was just giving me any answers so I'd stop questioning him.

"...which part of it?"

"All of it."

"...guess you like books, huh?"

"Very."

"Is that so...?"

"..."

Silence. Again.

As I put my bag down on the desk, I wondered if I could just leave and not deal with Haruki. But just as I prepared to sit down on the steel chair, the door flew open. Correction: It was kicked open. Brutally.

"Hi!" Haruki said cheerfully, marching in through the doorway and giving an airy wave to me and Nagato Yuuki. "Sorry for being late, but it took a while to catch him!" He dragged in somebody by their wrist - he'd gone and kidnapped someone else! - and turned and locked the door.

Click! The newcomer flinched at the ominous sound, and begun to tremble a little.

It was another boy.

And a ridiculously cute one at that.

He was small and slim, looking more like a middle school student playing dress-up in a North High uniform. His brown hair was tousled in a sort of childish way, and his large puppy-dog eyes cast around with a silent appeal for help. He reminds me a bit of my little brother.

his is Haruki's "chosen candidate"?

"W-what are you doing?" the boy trembled. "W-where is this place? Why did you bring me here? W-Why are you locking the door?! Wha-"

"Silence."

The boy froze with a start at Haruki's sudden, imperious voice, and gave an involuntary yelp as Haruki pounced on him, a companionable arm around the newcomer's shoulders and a huge smile beaming on his face. "Let me introduce you, then... this is Asahina Mitsuuru!"

...

...was that the entire introduction?!

Silence engulfed the classroom once more. Haruki looked satisfied with his "job well done"; Nagato Yuuki, as usual, kept reading his book without any sign of emotion; and the boy called Asahina Mitsuuru was simply scared out of his wits. WIt didn't look like anybody was going to say something, so simply to break the silence, I opened my mouth.

"Where did you kidnap him from?!" I demanded, hands on my hips. Maybe being more forceful with Haruki would make him rethink this insanity.

"Eh, I didn’t kidnap him! I just forced him to come with me."

That's the same thing!

"I found him daydreaming in a second-year classroom. I go through the whole school during breaks, so I'd seen him before already. He's perfect for our plans!"

Plans? What plans? Wait, so that's where you've been going at breaks. More importantly, though...

"Hang on, that makes him an upperclassman!"

Though he doesn’t look like one… but I’m not in any position to talk.

“And that matters because…?”

I looked at him in disbelief. Don't tell me he really didn't see anything wrong with what he had been doing. He must have been behind the door the day they were handing out the brains. I guess being more forceful wasn't really working, either.

"Urgh, nevermind... uh, Asahina-senpai, right? Why do we need him for your club?"

"Just take a look!" Haruki slapped Asahina-senpai on the back with some force, causing him to stumble towards me. I took an involuntary step backwards, and Asahina-senpai ended up grabbing the edge of the table for support.

"See how weak he is?" Haruki declared. "See how easily he's defeated? What he needs is guts! Guts and courage! If you have those, then you'll never be beaten, but if you lack them, then you'll never amount to anything! You won't be worthy of being called a man!"

That's really not very nice, Haruki.

Haruki grasped the air with his fist “Therefore, this will be our club’s first project! To turn this runty weakling, this non-man, into a man to be envied by all! A man among men!”

My initial thoughts were that Haruki had gone so far off the deep end he'd come right out the other side. He did have a bit of a point though... Asahina-senpai was probably the least manly man I'd ever seen. He'd be pretty popular with some girls, though. And at least he wasn't as crazy as certain unnamed individuals.

“Hey, that’s t-too mean!”

Asahina Mitsuuru had gotten up off the ground, and turned to face Haruki. “I-I’m a man too, you know!” he stuttered.

"Oh? Is that so?" Haruki draped his arms around Asahina-senpai again. He looks like a dangerous kidnapper like that. "How much of a man are you, really?"

Oh no, his eyes look dangerous! Run, Asahina-senpai!

His hand suddenly moved down Asahina Mitsuuru’s body, down to...

Oh. Oh my god.

I wasn't sure who screamed first, but I'd like to think that it was Asahina-senpai, because it's less embarrassing for me. Haruki had really gone too far this time.

"Stop that!" I shouted, trying to push the two of them apart. "What the hell do you think you're doing? That's sexual harassment!" Do you want to be sued!?

“Heh heh, well... whaddya know?" Haruhi chuckled without any shame whatsoever. “He really is a man after all! You wanna check?”

I flushed bright crimson immediately. “What? No!”

Haruki finally let go of Asahina-senpai, who sagged onto the ground, exhausted. The odd thing - well, another odd thing, really - was that Nagato Yuuki hadn't looked up once from his book the entire time. What's with him?

“You see what I mean, right, though? If we can turn something like that into the living embodiment of the spirit of men, the righteousness of our cause shall have been proven to all! All of this, of course, is but a small part of my plan.”

This plan of yours seems dangerous, and not something any sane person would want to get involved with.

“So that’s why you kidnapped him? To make him manlier?”

Asahina-senpai was looking at me with tearful eyes. Maybe he thinks I’m going to save him?

"Well, I thought we could use him to advertise our club, too. Kind of like a… mascot character, that’s it! Something like that."

...It’s official. Haruki’s idiocy has surpassed the idiocy of all the other idiotic idiots in the world. He could join a traveling freak show as "The Most Dangerous Idiot Ever".

"Mitsuuru-kun!" Haruhi demanded. "You in any clubs?"

"Uh... uh... I'm in the H-Home Economics Club..."

"Quit that! Not manly enough. Besides, it’ll get in the way of our club activities."

Hey, aren't you being ridiculously selfish here?

Asahina-senpai looked like a victim in what was about to be a murder being asked to choose between death by cyanide or death by strychnine. He focused that puppy-dog stare at me, begging to be rescued; then he noticed Nagato Yuuki for the first time, and his eyes widened in surprise.

"I... see..." he half-whispered, in a voice as soft as the song of a dragonfly, staring at the silent student in the corner. "I understand..."

Uh, what did you just understand?

"I'll quit the Home Ec club, and join this one..."

Eh?

He hesitated. "But, uh, I'm not sure what the Literature club actually does..."

"Oh, don’t worry about that. We're not the Literature club," Haruki explained, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. Seeing Asahina-senpai looking confused, I hurriedly cut in to explain.

"We're just borrowing this room for a little while. The club that you've just been forced to join is actually an unnamed organization to be chaired by Suzumiya Haruki that will participate in unknown activities."

"...I’m sorry, what...?" "Actually, that guy sitting over there is the real and only Literature Club member".

"Oh..."

Asahina-senpai blinked slowly in astonishment, his lips half-open, struck speechless. Couldn't blame him.

"No worries!" said Haruki, his cheerful face declaring himself completely and totally free from any kind of responsibility. He smacked Asahina-senpai's shoulder, hard. "I just thought of a name! That's the most important part of forming a club!"

I thought gathering members was the most important part… oh, whatever.

I glared at Haruki.

"Okay," I said, injecting as much sarcasm into my voice as possible, "let's hear it."

I didn't really want to hear the name, but Haruki was going to tell me anyway. He took a deep breath, in preperation for the momentous revelation of the name of his Grand Design.

---

Attention, everyone! The name of our fledgling club has been decided. No alterations were made; this is purely the result of Suzumiya Haruki's mind.

The SOS Brigade!

Save the World by

Overloading it with Fun

Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade

The Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Brigade, abbreviated as SOS Brigade.

I give you all permission to laugh.

I was too dumbstruck, though, to even manage that.

You're probably wondering why it's called a "Brigade". Technically, it should be the "Save the World by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki's Association", but we hadn't satisfied the minimum requirements to become an association, and in any case nobody knew what the club was about, anyway. "Well, let's just call it a brigade, then!" said Haruki, his incomprehensible words settling the matter. And thus was our magnificent club name born.

Asahina-senpai kept his mouth shut, as though resigned to his fate. Nagato Yuuki was technically an outsider. And I couldn't bring myself to say anything. Consequently, the naming of Haruki's club as the "SOS Brigade" passed on one 'aye' and three abstentions.

The SOS Brigade is now open for business! This is such a wonderful occasion!

Why I am involved in a brigade like this?

Sigh…

Look, just do whatever you want...

---

After ordering us to meet here every day after school, or else, Haruki called it a day. As I left the Old Complex, the sight of Asahina-senpai trudging lifelessly along the hallway, shoulders drooped, was so sad I just couldn't bear it. I called out to him.

"Senpai!"

"Yes?"

Asahina-senpai looked at me with his innocent face. He really didn't seem that much older than me.

"Look, you really don’t have to join a weird club like this if you don’t want to. Don’t worry about Suzumiya; I'll find a way to explain it to him."

"No."

He stopped and smiled at me.

"It's all right. I want to join."

"But I really don't think this will turn out well at all.”

"But you're in it, aren't you?"

Yeah... but not by choice. Why am I even still here?

"This was probably inevitable on the temporal plane..." he said, his eyes staring off into the distance.

""Pardon?"

"And I'm interested in the presence of Nagato-san..."

"Interested?"

"Eh? Oh, no, it's nothing." he said, shaking his head. His hair waved gently as he smiled, looking embarrassed, and gave me a deep bow.

"I may be a little trouble, but please bear with me for now!"

"Uh, look, if you say so, but look, Asahina-senpai-"

"Please just call me Mitsuuru!"

He smiled.

Aww… he’s so cute!

---

The following is a conversation I had with Haruki one day.

"You know what we need next?"

"Beats me."

"We need to get our hands on a Mysterious Transfer Student!"

I sighed. "What, exactly, defines a “mysterious transfer student”?"

"Those that get transferred two months after the school term has started are, without exception, Mysterious Transfer Students."

"Maybe their parents just got a job transfer and they got dragged along."

"Bah, that would be too forced and unnatural!"

"You know, I’d really like to know what you of all people considers unnatural.”

"Mm, A Mysterious Transfer Student… when is one going to show up?"

"Why don’t you ever listen to me!?”

---

Rumours started to fly that me and Haruki were plotting something.

"What exactly are you up to with Haruki?"

Taniguchi seemed upset.

"You're not..." - she took a deep breath inward - "GOING OUT, are you?"

No way! And if there's anybody here who'd like to know exactly what it is we're doing, it's me!

"Well, don't go doing anything too stupid, okay? You're not in middle school anymore. If you vandalize the sports field, you'll get a suspension at the very least."

If it were just Haruki acting up on his lonesome, I could simply ignore him. But he's dragged Nagato Yuuki-kun and Asahina Mikuru-senpai into this mess now - I've got to at least see to it that they don't come to any harm. I'm kind of proud of how considerate I was being.

Problem was, Haruki's strong enough to just carry me off wherever he wants, and I doubted I had much chance of stopping him...

---

"We need a computer!"

Since the founding of the SOS Brigade, the once-sparse Literature Club room began to accumulate a growing number of items. A portable clothes-rack stood in one corner of the room; an electric kettle and cups for everybody was always on hand, along with a traditional teapot, a single-compartment refrigerator, a portable gas stove, and eating utensils. A stereo system (connected to a CD/MD player/radio) and a PS2 sat nearby. What was this stuff for? Did he plan to live here or something?

Haruki was sitting on a desk he'd stolen from who-knows-where, cross-legged, cross armed and just generally cross. By his side sat a black triangular pyramid across which the worlds "Brigade Commander" had been scrawled in magic marker.

"It's a tragedy! We're living in the information age, and yet a Brigade as important as mine doesn't even have a single computer!"

What are you talking about?

In any case, all the members of Haruki's little gang were here today. Nagato Yuuki sat silently in his usual spot, reading a book about a moon of Saturn falling or something like that. Asahina-senpai had obediently arrived (despite the fact that he didn't really have to be here...) and was seated on a steel chair, looking confused.

Haruki jumped off the desk and ran towards me with a sinister smile.

"Let's go scrounge one up!" Haruki said, like a hunter looking for its prey.

"Scrounge one up? A PC? From where?" I asked, without any enthusiasm. "You're not going to rob an electronics store, are you?"

"No, no!" he replied, imperiously. "Why go all that way when we can get one somewhere much closer?

"Follow me!" he ordered to me and Asahina-senpai as he dashed off out of the room. We found him about two doors down the corridor from us, outside the doorway that led into the Computer Club's room.

I’m beginning to see where he’s going with this.

"Hold this."

Haruki handed me an digital camera.

"Listen up, Kyon! I'll tell you my brilliant plan, and you've got to stick to it no matter what! There might only be one chance, one single window of opportunity!"

He bent down towards me and whispered his 'plan' in my ear.

"What!? No way! You can't do that!"

"This plan is but a small part of my Master Plan! It'll be fine!"

Fine for you, maybe. "But... Asahina-senpai-"

"Silence! No buts!"Great. Just great. I glanced towards a puzzled Asahina-senpai and tried to make eye-contact, to warn him about Haruki's insane plot. Run, run, or you'll be well done! But as I blinked my eyes furiously, Asahina-senpai looked at me surprised, and began to blush. Oh, no, he got the wrong idea completely!

Just as I was about to open my mouth and just tell Asahina-senpai what was about to happen, Haruki had already burst into the room without knocking.

"What's up, people?! We've come to collect a computer!"

The layout of the room was similar, but the room itself seemed a lot smaller. A large number of monitors and PC cases were placed neatly on the uniformly spaced tables. The low whirring of cooling fans resonated through the room. The five girls who had been clattering away at their keyboards all turned their heads towards the entrance, to the guy who had just entered the room.

"Who's in charge here?" Haruki demanded, a smile on his face. One of the girls stood up.

"I'm the President of the Computer Club. Can I, ah, help you?"

"Do I really need to repeat myself? Give us a computer!"

The nameless Computer Club President flashed an expression of pure "what the hell?" for a second and violently shook her head. "No way! We don't get enough school funding, so these computers were all bought out of our own hard-earned cash! We can't just give them out to people for free! Do you think we're idiots?"

"One can't hurt! You've got loads of computers!"

Haruki said this while sweeping his hand across the room.

"Now, look here- hang on, who the heck are you people, anyway?"

Haruki puffed up his chest. "Suzumiya Haruki, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade! These are my subordinates, Number One and Number Two!"

...Subordinates?

Since when are we your subordinates?

"I command you in the name of the SOS Brigade. Hand over a computer at once! No grumbling, no excuses!" Haruki demanded again. The Computer Club President shook her head.

"I have no idea who you guys are, but there's no way you're getting one of our PCs! Go buy your own!"

"Hah!" Haruki snorted.

"If you're of that mind... well... we have our ways of ensuring co-operation."

His eyes blazed with confidence. I had a baaad feeling about this.

Haruki started to pace the room, slowly, like a lion stalking its prey. "I've heard... rumours... about a certain group of girls who are into some really nasty, forbidden, stuff." he said, quietly, but with an undertone of menace. "They even produce their own doujinshi to sell at Comiket, using official school funding... at least, that's what the rumours say."

He whirled suddenly and slammed a fist into a bookshelf, causing a box to topple onto the floor and spill its contents everywhere. I flushed as I caught a glimpse of all the man-on-man images staring up out of the pages of the fallen magazines before I managed to avert my gaze. This is sick!

"W-we can explain!"

The president began to protest loudly, but she, too, was suddenly blushing like mad. "Those are our, um - our private, um-"

"Silence!"

Haruki had apparently had enough.

"Here's how this is going to go down." he said, suddenly stooping and putting his face down close to the President's. "You're going to give us a computer, and I'm not going to tell anybody that you're making gay porn manga with the school's money. Understand?"

"Did you come here just to blackmail us?" one of the members asked, trying to stand up.

"No, I came here to extort a computer from you."

That’s the same thing!

“...No.”

The president had decided to stand up for herself.

“Even if you tell the administration, we can just get rid of the magazines! You'll have no proof! What do you say to that?"

Haruki grinned like a Cheshire Cat. "Kyon, do me a huge favour, and take a picture of these magazines, would you?"

Click!

I reluctantly pressed the shutter button. Great, now I’m an accessory to blackmail.

“Kyaaaaaah!”

That would be the President, shrieking.

“Y-you still don’t have any proof! That photo could have been taken in any room in this building!”

Still grinning, Haruki swept the hair back out of his face. “Okay, then. We’ll trade." he said. "We’ll take your computer, and you can have Mitsuuru-kun as your personal shouta butler. I notice you guys seem to be into that kinda thing.”

The president blushed slightly and looked sideways at Asahina-senpai.

“Our personal butler…? But... but how do we know he isn’t just some girl you grabbed and threw into a male uniform?”

“Oh, that’s easy enough.”

Haruki shoved Asahina-senpai, who was standing dazed next to him, towards the President, and then - with lightning speed - grabbed her hand and shoved it down Asahina-senpai's pants.

"KYAAA-"

"WAHHH-"

Click!

To the sound of the two of them screaming, I clicked the shutter of the digital camera once again. Haruki grabbed Asahina-senpai, who was trying desperately to escape, and punted the President on top of him. "Kyon! One more shot!"

I reluctantly clicked the shutter button again. Asahina-senpai, nameless President, forgive me.

"WHA- WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

The president had managed to roll off of Asahina-senpai. Haruki wiggled his finger in the President's bright red face.

"Tsk tsk! If the photos of your gay porn aren't enough, this should be sufficient evidence to convince the administration to disband your little 'club'!"

"T-that's ridiculous!" the President objected furiously. I really felt sorry for her. "You forced me to do it! I'm completely innocent this time!"

This time?

"Oh? How many people are going to believe your story? What with the rumours, and soon the photos... who's gonna take your side?"

I turned to look at Asahina-senpai, lying sprawled on the floor. Guess he must have been so shocked that he'd been totally drained of energy. Meanwhile, the nameless President continued to attempt to resist.

"Th-The other members of the Club are all witnesses to my innocence! That was all against my will!"

The other four members who had been standing dumbstruck around the room all nodded their heads vehemently.

"That's right!"

"Our President is innocent!"

If Haruki had listened to you, then, well, he wouldn't be Haruki. "I'll just say the whole club gang-raped him!"

You could have heard a pin drop.

“T-that’s stupid! Girls can’t rape guys!”

“Really now?" Haruki smiled. "Let me tell you a story. A story of a poor, innocent upperclassman, who had been passing through this hallway, who happened upon a group of sick, depraved females. These women, they decided to entice him into their den of evil with candy, and other such sweets. But lo! When he entered, he was set upon, by these cruel women, who then proceeded to touch him in all sorts of uncomfortable places! But I, Supremely Manly Commander of the SOS Brigade, arrived in the nick of time, and managed to obtain evidence as to their crimes before rescuing the hapless upperclassman! Behold, for I am now a Hero!"

Haruki laughed long and loud.

I think this is the point where I should check him into a mental asylum.

"But-but- Suzumiya-san! T-that's n-not what happen-"

Haruki lightly kicked off Asahina-san, who was clinging desperately to his legs, and haughtily puffed up his chest. "So? What's it gonna be? You gonna hand over a computer... or not?"

The President's face, which had gone from normal, to red, to white over this ordeal, finally turned ashen. She had been defeated.

"J... J... Just pick one and get out!" she managed to snarl, before collapsing dejectedly into a chair. The other members rushed over.

"President!"

"Are you okay?"

"It’s going to be alright, Prez!"

The President's head drooped like a marionette with its strings cut. I may have been an accomplice in this little travesty, but I couldn't help but feel sorry for the little broken figure in the chair.

"Which one's the newest model?" asked Haruki. That's enough! You're too cold-blooded!

"Wh-Why should we tell you?!"

Haruki simply pointed at me and my camera. The entire club shuddered as one.

"D-Damnit! That one!"

After examining the brand name and model number of the PC the President had indicated, Haruki took a piece of paper out of his blazer pocket.

"I went to the computer store yesterday and had an employee show me all the latest models" he announced. "This wasn't one of them."

How far ahead had he had everything planned out? This is getting freaking scary.

After inspecting every other computer, Haruki finally pointed towards one of them. "Give us this one."

The President's face blanched. "W-Wait! We only bought that one last month!"

"Camera."

"... T-take it, you thieves!"

Like she said, we really are thieves.

Haruki's greed truly knew no bounds. After disconnecting all the cables and wires, he demanded that the monitor and every other little thing be moved to the Literature Club room and reconnected. He even had the Computer Club members run a LAN cable between our room and their room, and connect us to the school's domain on top of that, so that he could use the Internet! He's no better than a common criminal!

"Senpai...."

Since I was totally helpless in the face of the lunacy of Suzumiya Haruki, it was all I could do to help the devastated Asahina-senpai to his feet. He was still kneeling on the ground, covering his face and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Let's just go back for now, OK?" I said gently. He sniffled a bit as I helped him back up. Haruki, you idiot, didn't you say you were going to make Asahina-senpai more manly? Not turn him into a nervous wreck! As I tried to comfort Asahina-senpai, I wondered what on earth Haruki wanted a PC for.

Well, I would find out soon enough.

---

The launch of the official SOS Brigade Website!

...well, that's what Haruki wanted, anyway. So? Who was going to make the website?

"You, of course!" Haruki said.

"Me?"

"You’ve got free time, don't you? Make it!”

What about you?

“I'm too busy looking for more Brigade Members!"

The computer had been placed on the desk with the "Brigade Commander" pyramid. Haruki, who was using it to surf the net, added;

"Have it finished in a day or so. We can’t start doing anything without a web page."

Asahina-senpai was sprawled across the table, shoulders shivering, while Nagato Yuuki was seated as usual in his chair, reading his book and ignoring the world around him. So the only person actually listening to Haruki was me. And as the only person listening to his insane commands, I was the only one who could comply with them. At least, I'm pretty sure that's what Haruki was thinking.

"Look, even if you say that, I'm not making you a website."

Haruki sighed. "Look, what about if I get you a present for it?"

...is he being generous for once?

"I promise you'll like it!"

[WORK STARTS HERE IN THE MORNING!]

"...fine." I finally conceded. No, not because I wanted to take orders from Haruki. Put simply, it was a website. I'd never made one before, but it sounded like fun to make, didn't it?

And so, my arduous website design began on the second day.

Even having said that, it was much easier than I thought it’d be. Because the Computer Club girls already had installed all the software on the hard drive, all I needed to do was just follow the program’s instructions, do some copy and pasting, and that was it.

The problem is, though, what should I put on the website?

Right now, I still didn't know what the SOS Brigade is about, so I had absolutely no idea what to write about. After writing 'Welcome to the SOS Brigade Home Page!' on the top, I simply stopped.

"Hurry up and finish it, you hear?"

Haruki's words resounded like a curse in between my ears, so I had to spend lunch break in the clubroom designing the rest of the website.

"Nagato-kun, do you have any ideas on what to write?" I asked.

Nagato seemed to come here even during lunch break.

"Not really."

He didn't even look up. I know this is none of my business, but does he even pay attention in class?

Turning my eyes from Nagato back to the 17-inch monitor, I fell back into deep thought.

I suddenly thought of a problem: what would happen if the school found out that a yet-to-be-recognized association is using their bandwidth to host a website?

"Eh, don’t worry!" I imagined Haruki replying, "If they do find out, we’ll just abandon the whole thing. First come, first served, you know?"

Really, in some ways, I'm pretty jealous of Haruki's happy-go-lucky attitude towards life!

After making some website links and writing the email address— it's a bit early to set up a forum— I uploaded the website, which only contained a front page without any details on it.

That should satisfy him! After making sure the page could load, I switched off the computer. As I was about to stretch, I was startled to find Nagato standing right behind me.

Weird! How come I didn't hear his footsteps? I didn't know when Nagato arrived behind me. His face was as white as a mask. He stared at me with his poker face as though I was some eye test chart.

"Take this."

He handed me a very thick book, which I impulsively took. It sure is heavy!

Looking at the cover, it was the science fiction novel Nagato was reading a few days ago.

"For you."

After saying that, Nagato left the room without even turning back; I didn't even have time to say anything. Why are you lending such a thick book to me? Is this your idea of a confession or something?

At that moment, the bell rang signalling the end of lunch break. It seems like there aren't a lot of people who respect my opinion.

After I carried the hardback book back to the classroom and sat down, I felt someone tugging at my ponytail.

"So, is my website done?"

Haruki held the edges of the desk and stared at me with a rigid face. I noticed that his notebook was full of scribbles here and there. As I replied, I tried to ignore the stares of my classmates.

"Yeah, it's done, but it's a simple, crappy little website."

"Good enough! All it needs is an email address!"

Why can't you register your own free email address!?

"That won't do! What if a lot of people sent their mail in and flooded my inbox?"

I don't get it How a newly registered email address could get flooded with mail so quickly?

"That’s top secret!"

He gave a sinister grin after he said this. Part of your master plan again, Haruki?

Once again, I have a baaaad feeling about this.

"Don’t worry! You’ll find out after school, but until then, it's classified information."

[Editor’s note: I did that on purpose.]

Please, I’d rather never find out what it is!

In sixth period, Haruki was nowhere to be seen in class. He couldn't have gone home, could he? No, that’d be too easy for me. It's probably just another bad omen.

Very soon, it was the end of class, and I started automatically walking towards the clubroom. Though my footsteps never stopped, I did wonder why I was going there. Finally, I arrived.

"Hi there!"

As expected, there sat Nagato Yuuki and Asahina-senpai.

I know I'm not one to criticize, but these two certainly have a lot of free time on their hands.

Seeing me enter, Asahina-senpai greeted me with a relieved expression. I guess having to spend time alone with Nagato can be exhausting, huh?

Hey, wait a minute! You suffered through Haruki's evil clutches yesterday, and you're still coming today?

"Where's Suzumiya-san?"

"God knows. [Editor’s note: In the original. Lawls.] He hasn't been in the class since sixth period. He probably went off to steal equipment from somewhere again."

“Will, um, will I have to do what Suzumiya-san had me do yesterday again...?"

Seeing how depressed poor Asahina-senpai looked, I said gently:

"Don't worry! If he tries anything strange again, I'll do everything in my power to stop him! He can use his own body for blackmail! I may not be as strong as he is, but I’m sure I can get him to listen to me!"

"Thank you."

He gave me a cute little bow as he said this.

I really felt like giving him a big hug. I didn’t, though. People would probably get the wrong idea.

"Then I'm counting on you."

"It’s no problem at all!"

Even though I repeatedly assured him, five minutes later, all those reassurances got thrown out the window, into the sea, and evaporated like a water droplet on the surface of the sun. I am -such- an idiot!

"Hey, everybody!"

Haruki greeted us energetically as he entered the room, carrying with him two paper bags. Oh wait, is that the present he promised me?

"Sorry guys, I got delayed."

Just like you, isn’t it? For someone as obsessive as Haruki, being considerate of others is probably the last thing on his mind.

Placing the paper bags on the ground, Haruki turned and locked the door. Asahina-senpai reflexively shuddered upon hearing the door click. Is he like a trained animal that’s learned to expect impending doom when hearing that noise?

"Suzumiya, what are you planning today? I’m putting my foot down, we’re not doing any more stealing or blackmail!"

"What are you talking about? I’d never be involved in something like that!”

Really now? Then how, exactly, do you explain the computer on the desk!?

"Tribute from my vassals! Anyway, moving on, take a look at THIS!"

He pulled out a huge stack of A4 papers with some handwriting on them from one of the paper bags.

"These fliers will spread the Word of the SOS Brigade to everyone! Believe me, it took me a lot of hard work to sneak into the photocopying room and print these 200 fliers!"

Haruki handed out the fliers to us. So that's why you skipped class, huh? Consider yourself lucky that the teachers didn’t catch you. Though I bet they’re wondering what happened to all the paper in the photocopier… I wasn't the least bit interested in what was written on the fliers, but since I've already taken one, I guess I’ll read it.

The SOS Brigade founding principle:

We, the SOS Brigade, are seeking all sorts of paranormal events in this world. We welcome anyone who has experienced, is experiencing, or senses that they will experience any kind of supernatural or mysterious events to come to us for consultation. We will do our best to answer your questions. Please note, however, that we do not handle normal paranormal events; it must be an abnormal paranormal event for us to even be interested. Our email address is...

I'm starting to have a faint idea of what the SOS Brigade is all about now. Though, considering what Haruki said way back when, maybe all this just his convoluted way of finding himself a bride?

I’m confused now.

"Right then, it’s time to hand out the fliers."

"Where do we do that?"

"At the school gate. At this time of day, there are still a lot of students who haven't gone home yet."

Yes, yes, yes, whatever you say, Captain Haruki. Just as I'm about to pick up the paper bag with the fliers, he stopped me.

"You don't have to go, just Mitsuuru-kun and myself will do."

"Sorry?"

Asahina-senpai, who was carrying a flier in his small hands, turned his head looking puzzled. I turned and saw Haruki fumbling through the other paper bag, taking out something.

"Voila!"

Smiling as happily as a robotic cat, Haruki pulled out a piece of black leather. Oh, no way! As Haruki finished emptying the contents of the paper bag from the fourth dimension, I understood why he wanted Asahina-senpai to hand out fliers with him. Asahina-senpai, you have my prayers for your soul!

Black leather pants, a bow tie, white cuffs, and a sleeveless white tuxedo shirt.

Chippendales!?

…I don’t think I’ve ever been so glad in my entire life that I’m not the one getting a present.

"W... What are those for?" Asahina-senpai asked timidly.

"You should know. To dress up as a male stripper!" Haruki said unblushingly.

"Y-You can’t possibly expect me to wear that in public d-do you?"

"Of course! I even bought one for you!"

"I... I'm not wearing that!"

"Don't worry, it’ll fit perfectly! I know your measurements by heart!"

"W-when did you…! Never mind… y... you wouldn't want me to wear that at the school entrance, w-would you?"

“Of course! Aren’t you a man!"

"I don't wanna wear the stripper outfit!"

"Bah! Shut up and put it on!”

That’s it. Haruki leapt onto Asahina-senpai, like a tiger preying upon a helpless samba deer, and began ripping of his uniform.

"NOOO..."

"Now be a big boy and don't move!" Haruki said roughly while swiftly pulling off Asahina-senpai's blazer and moving onto Asahina-senpai's pants. Just as I was about to stop Haruki's insanity, my eyes met Asahina-senpai's.

"D... DON'T LOOK!!"

Hearing his scream, I hurriedly ran towards the door... and damn it! The door's locked! It took a couple minutes before I could unlock the door and rush out of the room.

Before I left, I took one quick look backwards — I saw Nagato reading his book as if nothing had happened. Doesn't he have anything to say about this!? This is wrong!

I leaned back on the door, hearing poor Asahina-senpai's screams from behind it.

"Kyaa~~!!" "Nooo!" "A... at least let me take it off myself... Sob~~!"

These are mixed in with Haruki's yells of victory.

"That's great!" "Take that off! Quickly!" "You should have done what I said!"

I really, really don’t want to think about what’s going on inside that room.

A moment later, Haruki's voice came through the door.

"Hey! Come back in and check us out!”

As I sighed, entering the room, I was greeted by the sight of two Chippendale dancers.

Aggh… their pants are so tight as to show every part of their lower body off in [I]great[/I] detail…

Haruki, predictable fits the costume like he was born for it, but Asahina-senpai... his personality doesn’t go well with the costume at all.

Just as I was wondering whether to try to comfort his crying face and say, "The costume suits you," Haruki said:

"Well, what do you think?"

Is your skull badly damaged!? What do you think I think!?

"This is going to grab everyone's attention.” said Haruhi. “At this rate, people will definitely come to get the flyers! Especially if I do this!"

At that, Haruhi began slowly unbuttoning his shirt while gyrating his hips and rocking his head from side to side.

Oh my god. I could feel the blood rushing to my face.

“S-stop it!”

That was the only thing I could think of to say.

“What? You don’t like it?”

“Please, just promise me you won’t do that in public…”

“But that’d destroy the whole point of wearing something like this!"

"If you do such strange things like that out in the open, people are going to look at you funny... Wait a minute, how come Nagato-kun doesn't need to wear this?"

"I only bought two sets. Since they come with accessories, they were very expensive."

"Where'd you buy this stuff anyway?"

"Internet."

[Editor’s note: Lol Fairly Oddparents.]

"... Right."

Haruki picked up the paper bag containing the flyers.

"Let's go, Mitsuuru-kun."

Asahina-senpai hugged himself tightly and looked at me pleadingly.

I'm so sorry, Asahina-senpai. I just couldn't dredge up any resistance. Besides, Haruki’s stripping nearly killed me.

Asahina-senpai tried to grab the table and resist, sobbing like a kid, but he was no match for Haruki’s strength. He was dragged away by Haruki, and the two Chippendales disappeared from the room. Just as I sat down dejectedly, feeling really guilty...

"That."

Nagato Yuuki pointed on the ground. I looked and saw two male uniforms lying there... Erm, are those heart-patterned boxers I just saw?

The thin, spectacled boy pointed at the cabinet at the other side of the room and then went back to reading his book.

Can't you pick up the clothes yourself!?

I sighed and went to pick up their clothes, placing them in the cabinet. Aggh, you could feel their body heat on the clothes! They're still warm! Ew!

Half an hour later, an exhausted Asahina-senpai returned. It looked like he had been crying. Should I say something? I hurriedly gave him a chair, and like last time, he simply sat down and drooped towards the table, his shoulders shivering. Looks like he doesn't even have the strength to change. In the face of such despair, my maternal instincts kicked in, so I took off my cardigan and draped it across his little shoulders. The presence of a sobbing Chippendale dancer and a bookworm who didn't care about what was going on, along with me who was utterly at a loss with what to do, had brought the atmosphere of the room to an all-time low. The screams of the Baseball Club could be heard in the distance.

As I was about to think of what to make for dinner tonight, Haruki returned.

The first thing he did was grind his teeth angrily:

"Damn them! Damn those teachers! They always get in my way!"

Not sure why he was so angry, I coolly asked:

"There a problem?"

"I hadn't even handed out half the fliers and in comes a stupid teacher asking us to stop handing them out! What the hell is wrong with her?"

Idiot! If the teachers ignored something like students dressing up as Chippendales and handing out flyers at the school entrance, then that'd be abnormal!

"Mitsuuru-kun was nearly in tears, I got taken to see the Principal, and then Handball Queen Okabe showed up!"

I’ll bet the Principal and Okabe-sensei probably didn't know where to put their eyes when looking at you dressed in that outfit.

[Editor’s note: Yes, I mistakenly kept the principal as male in my version of Chapter One. I’ll fix that.]

"Gah, this makes me ANGRY! That's it! You’re all dismissed!"

Haruki slowly took off his cuffs and then proceeded to strip of his shirt. I immediately ran out of the room at top speed.

"How long are you going to cry like that? Where are your balls now, eh? Hurry up and change!"

I leaned on the corridor wall and waited for them to change. In any case, it doesn’t look like he was doing that to attract women; just that he was trying to attract attention in general. Does he even know how an outfit like that would affect people?

It looks like, at this rate, there's no way he can experience a normal romantic relationship.

I wish he could be more considerate of how girls think. At least be considerate for me! Honestly, to hang out with such a crazy person is really exhausting. Besides, I had to wish for that for Asahina-senpai's sake . Right... Nagato, at least let us know what your opinion is!

A while later, Asahina-senpai emerged from the room, giving a sad expression of someone who had just failed his exams. He needed to support himself on the wall to stop from falling down. I didn’t know what I could possibly say to him, so I just stood there in silence.

"Kyon-nee-san..."

His voice sounds as insubstantial as one of those ghosts from the haunted sunken cruise ships.

"You promised to protect me from Suzumiya-san... Why didn’t you?"

I really don’t have anything to say… and, why are you calling me Kyon as well!?

Asahina-senpai returned my cardigan to me in a robotic way, turned, and walked away.

Poor kid… dammit, Haruki!

The next day, Asahina-senpai took the day off.

Haruki was already famous enough in school, but after the stripper incident, his name and weirdness had become the stuff of school legend. Not that I really mind, since Haruki’s actions are NOT MY FAULT. Not at all!

What I do mind though, is that Suzumiya Haruki's actions have caused everyone to start gossiping about poor Asahina Mitsuuru-senpai as well. That, and the odd glares I received from everyone at school.

"Hey, Kyon... seems like you're having a fun time with Suzumiya..."

Taniguchi said to me in a sarcastic tone after school. "I never thought you’d get that close to him... I guess nothing is really impossible, huh?"

Oh, shut up!

"I was so suprised! Seeing some kind of male strippers while I was heading home, I thought I was dreaming!"

[Editor’s note: That line becomes much funnier genderbended.]

Kunikida joined in the conversation, carrying a familiar-looking flier with her.

[Editor’s note again: I can imagine Kunikida taking a flier from Haruki while drooling copiously.]

"What’s this “SOS Brigade”? What's it about?"

Go ask Haruki that question. I don't know, nor do I want to. Even if I did, I don't feel like telling you!

"It asks us to provide any paranormal events, but it doesn't define what those are. And, what does it mean by not handling normal paranormal events?"

Aggh, stop talking! I don’t want to think about it!

Even Asakura Ryou came to have a word with me. That was when I felt really guilty.

"You guys seem to be doing some interesting stuff. But if it's something that's as overboard as that, I’d suggest you to stop at once. You guys went too far yesterday."

If I had known, I would have joined Asahina-senpai in taking the day off…

Haruki is still mad. On one hand, he's mad that the teachers stopped him from handing out the fliers; on the other hand, he's mad that the SOS Brigade email inbox is completely empty. I expected one or two prank mails in the inbox, but it turns out people were more rational than I thought. I guess, after the display yesterday, no one wants to get involved with what appears to be a strip club?

Haruki scowled at the empty inbox, shaking the optical mouse vigorously.

"Why is no one sending us any mail?!"

"There wasn't any yesterday or today. Maybe it’s just that our club looks too shady for everyone to share their paranormal experiences with us?"

I tried to explain. I don’t think I was very convincing.

‘Have you experienced any paranormal events?’ ‘Yes.’ ‘Oh, that's great, then please tell me.’ ‘All right, actually...’

Oh, please!

Something like would never happen, OK? YOU listen up, Haruki! Those sorts of things would only occur in a cheap light novel series! Real life is very cruel. Things like a conspiracy to destroy the world from a normal prefecture high school, evil demons from another plan of existence, or a spaceship hidden inside a mountain, all these things are impossible. Impossible! You hear me? You understand now, don't you? All your crazy behaviour is a result of you not being able to find a way to release your unhappy emotions, isn't that right? But now it's time for you to wake up! You should settle down and find a girlfriend who would walk with you to school every day and who you could take to the movies on Sundays, or maybe you should join some sports clubs to release all that excess energy. With your abilities, you'd get into the first team you picked in no time, becoming an full-time member.

...I had wanted to say a lot more, but I had only thought up the first five lines when Haruki’s fists started waving at me, so I'd better stop here.

"Mitsuuru-kun took the day off today?"

"Maybe he's not ever coming back. I hope he wasn’t permanently traumatized by what you did yesterday, poor kid..."

"Damn, a pity! And I had prepared a new costume for him today too!"

"Can’t you just wear these things by yourself?!”

"What? No, this one wouldn’t fit me at all. I did get one for you, though."

Haruki grinned.

“You know, the present I promised you?”

Oh no, no no no. God no.

“Oh! Look at the time! I promised to prepare dinner tonight! I gotta go, bye!”

I dashed out of the clubroom to Haruki’s shouts of ‘Hey, wait!’ Dammit, Nagato, can’t you ever say anything at all?

Haruki’s ‘mysterious transfer student’ had finally arrived.

Haruki himself told me the ‘great’ news before homeroom the next day.

"It’s awesome, isn’t it? The transfer student's really here! I'm so happy!"

Haruki leaned forward towards me, speaking elatedly. His intense smile was like a kindergarten kid finally getting the toy he’d wanted.

[Editor’s note: Best. Most Truthful. Analogy. Ever.]

I don't know where he got it from, but the transfer student is apparently going to be in Class 1-9.

"Chance! It’s too bad they’re not in our class, but they’re definitely a mysterious transfer student, no mistake about that!”

You haven't even met him or her, so how do you even know if they're a mysterious transfer student?

"Eh? I already told you. A high percentage of those that get transferred in the middle of the school term are abnormal."

Where on earth did you get such a statistic? The Internet? Aren’t 75% percent of statistics on the Internet made up on the spot?

[Editor’s note: I love this joke, so I had to use it. Looks like Kyon-chan kinda missed it, though.]

Besides, if everyone who gets transferred in the middle of May is abnormal, then there'd be loads of mysterious transfer students all over Japan.

Haruki’s way of thinking, though, cannot be confined by logic. After the first session bell rang, Haruki instantly bolted out of the classroom. He probably went to visit Mysterious Transfer Student in Class 1-9.

Just before the bell rang to signal the beginning of class, he returned with a puzzled face.

"So are they a mysterious transfer student...?"

"Mm, doesn't feel like one."

I wouldn’t have expected anything else.

"We talked, but I still don't have enough information. They could just be pretending to be a normal person, that’s a certainty. It’s not like they’d expose themselves on the first day anyway. I'll go ask again at the next break."

Oh, please don't go ask again! I can imagine the Class 1-9 students, who had nothing to do with Haruki, being scared to death by his sudden appearance while he grabbed one of the students to ask, "Where's the mysterious transfer student?", before he rushed in. That, or he’d barge in when the student was having a conversation with his (or her) friends and interrogate the startled transfer student with questions like "Where are you from? Who are you really? Are you an alien? Will you marry me?"

Aggh, just thinking about it gives me a headache!

At this moment, I thought of something else.

"Is the transfer student a guy or a girl?"

"Mm, though she could be cleverly disguising herself, she appears to be female."

Then I’m pretty sure she’s a girl!

Then it seems like the SOS Brigade has a chance of recruiting another female member besides me. Haruki might just carry that transfer student in the door without hearing her opinion simply because she's new. Although, it might save me from cosplaying as a bunny girl or something just as horrifying.

No matter how strong-willed Haruki is, someone with just as strong a will would just ignore him. Of course, they’d also have to be strong enough to avoid being carried off…

As long as we have the numbers, the "Save the world by Overloading it with Fun: Suzumiya Haruki’s Brigade" would be formed as an association. It doesn’t matter if the school recognizes it or not; the person that will have to do all the menial secretarial tasks is... me! For the next three years, I’ll carry the title of "Subordinate of Suzumiya Haruki" and live my days in despair!

[Editor’s note: Kyon-chan is in despair! Being Haruki’s subordinate has left her in despair!]

I still hadn't thought of what I want to do when I graduate, but if I wanted to go to a university, I’d have to behave myself.

But as long as I'm at Haruki’s side, it seems that this wish could never become true.

What should I do?

I couldn't think of anything.

I know that I should have just confronted Haruki, had him dismiss the SOS Brigade, and then tried my best to persuade him to live a normal high school life. Perhaps I could have gotten him to stop thinking about aliens and time travelers, settle down and find a girlfriend, or join some sports club, and be content with these three years of high school.

…It would have been really great if I had done that!

If I'd had stronger willpower, I wouldn't have gotten sucked so helplessly into the black hole centred around Suzumiya Haruki. I would have just lived out these three years of high school and graduated in a normal fashion.

... Oh how I wish! I wish it could have been like that! If wishes were fishes!

The reason I'm saying all this is because of all the strange events that happened to me afterward; everyone understands how I’m thinking, right? Where to begin…?

Right, let's start from when the mysterious transfer student first arrived in our clubroom.