Talk:Kokoro Connect:Volume 4.5 The Correct Way to Use a Scoop Photo

I noticed some parts that could be cleaner, but since I never edited before, I would appreciate if someone could look over this:

• Line 2: "before" denotes time. "to" would fit better in my opinion: "Nagase Iori abruptly said to Yaegashi Taichi."
• Line 3: The way it is worded right now, it sounds like Iori is the only beautiful girl in existance. A superlative would fit better: "Nagase, the truly most beautiful girl in reality [...]"
• Line 14: The sentence is a conditional one (→ In the case that the five are together, ...). I would change "because" to "if": "If they are together, they can do it."
• Line 14: "it" is ambiguous. What exactly is it they can do? "Everything" might fit better: "If they are together, they can do everything"
• Line 18: I think the word you are looking for is "twirl", not "whirl": "Nagase twirled her tied up hair around her finger."
• Line 19: "though" is superfluous here, since there is no previous statement being qualified. "Well, I don't plan on denying it."
• Line 20: I feel like there is something missing here. "Of course, if she said [missing] and smiled, [...]"
• Line 21: "most key member" sounds redundant. I would cut the "most" or replace "key" with "important": "[...] who do you think is the number one most important member of the group?"
• Line 21: I also feel that "our" instead of "the" would improve the flow of the sentence. I can't really give a reason, just something that feels right: "[...] who do you think is the number one most important member of our group?"
• Line 22: They are not talking about positions, but about persons. The whole sentence was kind of unclear, so I rewrote it (also, missing comma): "Well, that's obviously the person that leads us, Nagase or Inaba …….."
• Line 26: Is that a Japanese idiom? The sentence does not really make sense in English.
• Line 26: Also, both sentence are starting with "Taichi". Drop the period and the ellipses, replace "Taichi" with "but": "instinctively nodded, but then became confused and shook his head."

Might continue this later.