Talk:Rental Magica Volume 1: Prologue

As a general point, please try not to change the meaning of what the translator has provided. If there's a question about his translation, please make a note of it so the two of you can resolve the issue and avoid having me change something back to the way it was. --Tetsu-nii 23:45, 3 June 2011 (UCT)

"Do not patronize me. How could one be a proper, English gentleman if he did not see off his pupil at the gate?"

• "patronize" would be more fitting in this instance since MacGreggor sensei seems to be portrayed as being somewhat pedantic. While "belittle" would still convey the meaning, it would fail the measure of his characterization. That being the case, I'd rather honor what I infer to be the translator's intention.
• Comma required because "proper" modifies "gentleman" and not "English"
• "see off his pupil" is more correct because the phrase "see his pupil off" would be splitting the verb phrase, "see off"; and I have real difficulty imagining someone as Proper as MacGreggor-sensei being any less punctilious in his speech.

In any language; historic, polite speech most befits a gentleman.

• Semi-colon used because "In any language" is another subordinate clause which isn't necessary to convey the primary meaning. A comma would be inappropriate because it could lead to too much confusion—a comma there would imply "language" was another modifier as are the next two comma-separated words. Since this is not the case, and since moving the clause to the end of the sentence would make things too awkward, and potentially change the meaning of the sentence altogether (depending on the interpretation of the reader), the semi-colon is the best choice.

His students, unaware of the circumstances, spread rumors that McGregor had finally gone loony.

• "His students" restored because not only because it was the original translator's choice, it emphasizes the fact that even those students with the greatest exposure to MacGreggor-sensei are confused by his behavior and think he's gone loony.
• "unaware of the circumstances" is a subordinate clause and unnecessary to convey the primary meaning of the sentence, making the use of commas necessary.

"Well then... how about one last graduation exam from your former teacher?"

• Again, original translator's choice restored. Ellipsis used in this instance are perfectly appropriate. While a comma would also be correct, there's no point in changing it.

She had been surreptitiously examining the equipment he had with him—it was all right. She had airmailed all her large magical items already [...]

• You changed the meaning of the first sentence. The translator wrote that Honami examined his equipment, but you changed it to her taking inventory of her own equipment.
• Using "airmail" as a verb is fine, there's no need to make changes to this sentence.

"Now–now, no hesitation. Rather, you seem already sufficiently prepared."

• The n-dash is necessary to avoid a repeated word. Normally, I'd separate them with a comma, but the comma which follows the second "now" makes that a bad choice.

Breaking apart with a sound, smoke billowed, pushing away the fog all at once, and surrounding Honami.

• Removed "outward" since nothing in the original translation mentioned direction. Since billowing implies direction, it's sufficient without modification.

McGregor observed dispassionately.

• Again, translator's choice. And while "calmly" and "dispassionately" can be used as synonyms, there are different connotations. Please respect the translator's choice as much as is possible.

The letters EMETH were carved inside cane, which had been held together with with varnish; though the E had been marred by the arrow's impact.

• The change you made could imply that the cane was still held together. Since that was not the interpretation I made from the translator's text. I've also changed it back to the beginning of its own paragraph since short paragraphs help convey a sense of fast-paced action.

"Mistletoe Spear, eh? Again, a classic."

• Reverted to translator's choice.

"Oh-ho!" McGregor joyously blew out his cheeks. "Well then, you said you had a childhood friend or something? It would not be outside the bounds of gentlemanly behavior to leave it at that. But do tell me of your circumstances."

• Reverted to translator's choice. I think your changes would change the meaning too much.

"Bah! It is a meaningless distinction." If any other English gentlemen had heard him, he probably would have been killed. "Well, whatever. For now, I am just happy to see the face of Miss Honami.

• Reverted to translator's choice. The two final sentences of the paragraph feel like they are continuations of the sentiment instead of a portion of the following paragraph. As an aside, as you probably know, the closing quotation mark is omitted on purpose since the same speaker continues in the following para.

"So, where exactly in Japan are you going? Are there Celtic Magic minors over there? I heard it's almost all Shinto and Buddhism pulling the strings there."

• While I'm not 100% certain, I left it "Celtic Magic minors" instead of changing it since it's possible that MacGreggor-sensei is referring to a student who is studying Celtic Magic as a minor. I thought this was not-impossible considering his academic background and presumed mind-set.

"Yeah... About that... I made the decision to do this ten years ago. Take a look, Sensei."

• I put "to do this" back in since there's no reason to cut it that I could see. Again, it was the translator's choice.