Utsuro no Hako:Volume1 27753ª vez
Nossa turma está jogando futebol durante a E.F.
Por estar com o nariz sangrando, estou descansando no colo da Mogi-san.
Subitamente começo a me perguntar sobre seus sentimentos. Será que por me deixar descansar em seu colo, ela esteja tentando, mesmo que só um pouquinho, atrair meu interesse?
Não faço a mínima ideia—ela está inexpressiva como sempre quando casualmente olho para ela.
"…Mogi-san"
"O que foi?"
"No que você está pensando nesse momento?"
"Hã?"
Mogi-san inclina sua cabeça, mas não parece ter uma resposta. Sua única reação à minha pergunta é um olhar pasmo.
Isso me faz pensar—se é tão difícil de reconhecer os sentimentos da minha parceira, o amor pode mesmo progredir?
Por que me apaixonei por uma garota tão difícil?
Sério—quando foi mesmo que me apaixonei por ela?
Tento lembrar.
"............Hã?"
"...Qual é o problema?" a Mogi-san pergunta assim que ouve minha confusão.
"N-Não...nada!"
Meu rosto provavelmente não está sinalizando "nada." A Mogi-san nota isso. Mas já que não tem a habilidade social necessária para me perguntar sobre isso, ela continua em silêncio e se abstém de dizer qualquer coisa.
Me levanto sem avisar à Mogi-san.
"Ah, hum...parece que meu sangramento parou."
"...hum."
Nossa conversa acaba com essas simples palavras.
Por que eu abandonei voluntariamente uma situação tão maravilhosa? Talvez nunca mais tenha outra chance de ser tão feliz.
Mas—é impossível.
Porque não importa o quanto eu tente—não consigo lembrar.
Não consigo lembrar. Não consigo lembrar. Não consigo lembrar!...Não consigo lembrar quando foi que me apaixonei por ela!
Por que me apaixonei? Qual foi o motivo? Ou eu simplesmente fiquei atraído por ela antes de perceber, mesmo sem algo especial ter acontecido?
Eu deveria saber disso; como poderia esquecer? Mas...não consigo lembrar, não importa o quanto eu tente.
Não foi amor à primeira vista, e não temos nada em comum além do fato de sermos colegas.
Ainda assim, por que isso aconteceu do nada? Não pode ter sido um despertar completamente espontâneo do amor, pode se—
"—sem chance..."
Mesmo sendo difícil de acreditar, é a única coisa que consigo pensar. Um despertar completamente espontâneo do amor.
"O que foi? Você está bem?...Quer ir à enfermaria?"
A Mogi-san sugere de forma calma como sempre. É claro que estou muito feliz por ela estar preocupada comigo. Simplesmente feliz. Esse sentimento não é falso.
"...Estou bem. Estava apenas pensando sobre algo."
Repetidamente me pergunto se isso é algum tipo de engano. Mas quanto mais penso, mais verdadeiro parece.
Eu não estava atraído pela Mogi-san.
Até quando? Certo—
—Eu não estava atraído por ela até ontem.
"—Ah, entendo."
Olho para a Aya Otonashi, a aluna transferida que está simplesmente parada perto do meio do pátio.
Quando aconteceu o evento que me fez atraído pela Mogi-san? —ah, isso é fácil. Não foi ontem. Mas hoje já estou apaixonado. Então quando foi?
Só há uma opção—num intervalo de tempo entre ontem e hoje.
Durante os mais de 20,000 loops que aconteceram graças à Sala da Rejeição.
Ah, lembrei. Apenas uma parte, mas provavelmente lembrei mais do que o normal. Porém, ainda é só uma parte, então a maioria das minhas lembranças continuam perdidas.
Perdi minha lembrança mais importante—como me apaixonei pela Mogi-san. E definitivamente não recuperarei essa lembrança. Não posso dividir nada com a Mogi-san. Um amor não correspondido pelo qual não posso fazer nada, não importa quanto tempo passe; apenas meus sentimentos ficarão mais intensos.
Não, pode ser mais que isso. Esse amor pode desaparecer assim que a Sala da Rejeição findar. Digo, esse amor não devia nem existir sem a presença da Sala da Rejeição.
Que estranho. Estranho demais. Esse amor não é mentira.
Ainda assim, esse amor é uma falsidade que não pode existir sem a caixa?
Uma súbita rajada de vendo sopra. Ela levanta a saia da Mogi-san. Me pergunto por que tenho um vago sentimento de que já vi essa calcinha azul claro?
Não, ela com certeza me é familiar.
Sei que a Mogi-san está vestindo calcinhas azul claro hoje.
Assim como sei que a Aya Otonashi sacrificou a Kasumi Mogi mais do que ninguém para manter suas próprias lembranças.
Portanto, eu decido—
Defender essa Sala da Rejeição.
✵
This time, Aya Otonashi doesn't approach me first.
Actually, the same thing might have happened during the last loop. My memories are vague, but I think this situation has persisted for a while.
Aya Otonashi is eating alone during lunch break, chewing her sandwich with great weariness.
This time it is I who approaches her.
Just by doing so, my body stiffens and my heartbeat accelerates. Otonashi-san's rejection of others has become a massive barrier, powerful enough to apply pressure all on its own.
"…Otonashi-san."
I ready myself and call out to her. However, Otonashi-san doesn't even turn around. This close up, there's no way she didn't hear me, so I continue anyway.
"I have something to discuss."
"I don't."
She turns me down without batting an eye.
"Otonashi-san."
No reaction. She just continues to halfheartedly chew on her sandwich.
She seems to plan to ignore me no matter what I say. In that case I simply have to make it impossible for her to ignore me.
The right trigger springs to mind after I think a bit.
"…Maria."
The chewing motions of her mouth come to a stop.
"I have something to discuss."
She still doesn't even look at me. She also doesn't say anything.
The classroom is dead silent. Our classmates are all looking at us while holding their breaths.
Otonashi-san finally seems to lose her patience and sighs.
"I never thought you'd say that name. Seems like you've remembered quite a lot this time."
"Yeah, so—"
"Even so, there's nothing to discuss with you."
Once again she begins to listlessly chew her sandwich.
"Why!"
My classmates focus on me once I suddenly start shouting.
"Why?! Aren't I the person you have to deal with?! So why don't you even try listening to me!?"
"Why, you ask?" she sneers. "You honestly don't know? Ha! Look at how stupidly you're acting once again. You never think for yourself. Why should I associate with a person like that?"
"…I don't know how I've acted previously."
"Previously? How foolish. What's different about you now? You're just the same!"
"How can you say for sure? Maybe I'm going to offer you my help. In that case—"
"It basically doesn't matter."
Otonashi-san spits out these words without even letting me finish.
I am about to instinctively object. But this objection is erased by Otonashi-san's next sentence.
"Because you haven't made this proposal just two or three times already."
"Eh—?"
I am so stunned that my jaw practically drops. Curling her mouth up slightly, Otonashi-san rewraps her half-eaten sandwich and speaks:
"Very well. I'm forced to spend my time on plenty of useless things anyway. This isn't just the second or third time I'm giving you this explanation, but I'll tell you anyway."
Otonashi-san stands up and starts to walk away.
I have no choice but to quietly follow her.
✵
As always, she leads me to the rear of the school building. And as always, Otonashi-san leans against the wall.
"I'll say this right at the beginning. I won't have a conversation with you. You will just listen to my words like an idiot."
"…I can decide that on my own."
I say so to be a bit rebellious, but Otonashi-san just stabs me a cold glare.
"Hoshino, do you know which iteration this is? No, you don't. This is the 27,753rd iteration."
That number is far too outrageous.
"…did you specifically count each time?"
"Yeah, since there's no way to confirm the number if I stop counting even once. If I forget to do so, I'll lose myself. Thus, I'm always keeping count."
It's certainly a bit calming if you know how many steps you've taken towards an unknown destination.
"I have repeated everything so many times. I have already tried almost all possible ways to approach you. I can't even imagine anything I haven't tried yet."
"That's why you think talking to me is pointless?"
"Yeah."
"You're not even trying to persuade me to hand the box over to you?"
"I have already given up on that long ago."
"Why? At some point within these recurrences, I should have been cooperative at least once."
"Yeah, of course. There were iterations when you treated me with hostility, and there were also times when you cooperated. But you know what? It doesn't matter. Either way, you never hand over the box."
I didn't hand over the box even when I was cooperating?…well, it figures. I wouldn't be here 'now' if Otonashi-san had obtained the box.
"Just confirming: you're sure that I own the box, right?"
"That's been a matter for constant internal debate. But my conclusion is always the same. Kazuki Hoshino is, without a doubt, the owner."
"Why do you think so?"
"There aren't as many suspects as you may think. The full explanation would take me too long to explain so I'll cut it short: it's impossible for the few plausible suspects to deceive me all 27,753 times. Hence, you're the only possible owner. Furthermore, there's inarguable circumstantial evidence that's unrelated to the Rejecting Classroom, right?"
She was right—I had previously met the distributor of the box—'*'.
"Regardless, you never take out the box. Rather, you can't. I marked you as the owner more than 20,000 iterations ago."
"So you've given up?"
This Otonashi-san who spares no effort in order to obtain a box?
"I have not given up. I just cannot obtain the box. Let's assume you're searching for a 100 yen coin that should be in your wallet, but you can't find it however many times you turn your wallet inside out. Searching every corner of the wallet is easy. Still, you can't find the coin. In that case you have to assume that the coin isn't there anymore. Just like that, over these 27,753 recurrences I've come to the conclusion that 'I cannot obtain the box from Kazuki Hoshino'."
Otonashi-san scowls at me for a moment and turns away.
"Well then, the side show has ended. Still want to say something?"
"…Yeah! That's why I wanted to talk to you in the first place."
I have to say it.
I have decided. I have decided to defend the Rejecting Classroom.
Otonashi-san, who has come to kill Mogi-san countless times, I will make her—
"I will make you, Otonashi-san, no, Aya Otonashi—"
"—an enemy?"
"—huh?!"
She easily predicted my bold move to oppose her. And she's still uninterested and wants to ignore me.
When she sees that I am speechless and shocked from the bottom of my heart, Otonashi-san lets out a sigh. She reluctantly turns to me.
"Hoshino, do you still not understand? How much time do you think I've spent together with you, idiot-boy? This is just another pattern that I've already repeated often enough to be tired of. There's no way I wouldn't see through it, is there?"
"W-What—"
I've made such a bold move countless times already?
Why was it completely ineffective every time?
"Incidentally, let me tell you one other thing. Even if your beliefs shaped your decision to oppose me, and you tried to maintain those memories across each iteration: in the end you'd abandon your opposition. I'm dead sure."
"T-There's no—"
After all, it would mean that I'd come to terms with her killing Mogi-san; that I'd choose to erase my feelings for Mogi-san.
"You can't believe me? Want me to tell you the reason that I've heard you state so many times before?"
I bite my lips.
Otonashi-san considers the conversation concluded and turns away.
"Your values could outlast more than 20,000 repetitions without trouble. I'll give you credit for that."
I spontaneously raise my head.
Did she just 'acknowledge' me? Otonashi-san?
"Wait a moment."
There is one more thing I must ask, no matter what.
Otonashi-san turns her head toward me.
"You've stopped trying to retrieve the box from me, right?"
"Yeah. Didn't I say so?"
"Then…what are you planning to do from now on?"
There is no change in Otonashi-san's expression. She still gazes straight at me without averting her eyes.
Her extremely straightforward gaze forces me to lower my eyes in response.
"Ah—"
In that instant…Otonashi-san walks away without saying anything else.
Without having answered my question.
✵
Otonashi-san didn't return to the classroom afterwards—maybe she went home.
My fifth period class is mathematics. I can't understand the formulas right away, although I've probably seen them a gazillion times already. Instead, I watch Mogi-san the entire time.
Will I really abandon Mogi-san? Will I really break off my feelings for her of my own accord?
No. That isn't possible. It doesn't matter what my past self thought.
My current self won't give up on Mogi-san. That's all that matters.
Fifth period ends.
I immediately head over to Mogi-san. She notices me and looks back at me with her almond eyes. My body stiffens like a stone. My heart loses its usual rhythm.
Just from looking at her. It demonstrates that what I'm about to tell her is truly special.
It's an action I would never take in my usual everyday life.
But I can't help it. I can't think of any other way to retain my memories.
I can't think of another method besides confessing to Mogi-san.
"…Mogi-san"
I guess I'm making a pretty strange face right now. Mogi-san looks at me inquisitively and inclines her head.
"Err, there's something I'd like to—"
'Please wait until tomorrow.'
"—ah"
An image passes through my mind. A voice starts arbitrarily replaying in my head. I feel a sensation so clear and bright, it hurts as if glass were thrust into my eyes, ears and brain.
My chest is pulsating aggressively as if it were being beaten by a hammer.
N-No—
I don't want to remember. Even though I don't want to remember. Even though I repeatedly wanted to erase that memory, it doesn't disappear. Even though I can forget any other memory, no matter how significant, this is the one I cannot forget.
Yeah, that's right—
A long time ago—I already confessed to Mogi-san.
"…what's wrong?"
"……sorry, it's nothing."
I put some distance between us. Mogi-san raises her eyebrows in suspicion but doesn't question me any further.
I return to my seat and let my upper body fall across the desk.
"……I see."
Now that I think about it, it's obvious. After all, I've come to repeat this day over 20,000 times.
I confess to Mogi-san. But I forget. So I confess again. And forget again. In order to resist the Rejecting Classroom, I've made this confession I didn't even want to make, over and over and over and over again, and forgotten it just as many times.
And each time I received the answer I most wanted to avoid hearing.
It's always the same one. It's always the same answer. Well, there's no way it would change. Mogi-san can't retain her memories and thus her answer can't change either.
That answer—
"Please wait until tomorrow."
That's awful. That tomorrow you're speaking of will never come.
I made a peerless resolution, plucked up the courage I'd normally be incapable of, stretched my nerves to the limit—but in the end, my earnest words vanished entirely into oblivion. And then I'm forced to interact with Mogi-san, who has forgotten about my confessions countless times.
…I see. They aren't just voided.
There hasn't been anything to begin with.
This world was empty from the very start. There's no value to be found in a world where everything that happens becomes void. There's just as little value to be found in beautiful things, ugly things, precious things, shabby things, beloved things, hateful things.
For that reason nothing exists. There is only emptiness.
The elusive emptiness called the Rejecting Classroom.
I feel nauseated. I am being forced to breathe in a dreadful environment. While I feel the urge to empty my lungs of air, I can't, as I wouldn't be able to continue living here anymore. I can't live without breathing. But if I continue to breathe in emptiness, my body will become empty as well. I'll become as hollow as a sponge.
Or—was it already too late for me long ago, and have I already become empty?
"What's wrong, Kazu-kun? Are you feeling sick?"
When I hear a familiar voice, I raise my head slowly while still slumped over on my desk. Kokone is standing in front of me, frowning.
"You had a nosebleed during P.E., right? Maybe that's why? If you don't feel well, should we go to the nurse's office?"
"There's no need to worry about him, Kiri. I bet the origin of his illness is the lap he slept on rather than his nosebleed," says Daiya. I hadn't noticed him, but I guess he'd been standing nearby.
"Lap…?…ah! I see! So that's it! Whaaat, just love-sickness…"
Then she grins and slaps me on the shoulders encouragingly.
"Yo-u! You you! Isn't this a bit saucy for you? Please don't get involved with something mature like looove."
"Swayed by such a plain seduction—ludicrous."
"N-No! I've always loved—"
I stop midway. That was a verbal slip on multiple levels. For one thing, I'd admit my feelings for Mogi-san by doing so, but beyond that—
"Ha? You didn't have any special feelings for Mogi until yesterday, did you?"
—it would not be true.
As a matter of fact, I fell in love with her today. It was a sudden awakening on my part, at least from the point of view of Daiya and everyone else. And that's why no one knew of my fondness for her, even though my attitude makes it clearly visible.
"Hey hey, Daiya, it looks like this guy just admitted his unrequited love for Kasumi. Uhihi."
Kokone grins and jabs at Daiya with her elbow.
"Yeah. In the best case scenario this might provide me with some extra entertainment."
"Uhehe…the love of others is fun after all! Mh, Mh. Don't worry. Onee-chan is supporting you! I'll give you advice and help you! If you get dumped, I'll even console you! But should you succeed, I'll kill you, since I'd get irritated."
"No worries. When the two of them start going out, I'll steal her from him."
"Uwaa, that sounds funny! The misfortune of others and muddled love triangles! Superb!"
Those two really are cruel, ignoring my under-the-weather condition.
Well, fortunately XX is not here. If he were, then he'd tread on this opportunity and lead the conversation in a way that would end in a—
"—huh?"
"Mhh? What's the matter, Kazu-kun?"
"No, just…I was wondering where he is. Is he taking today off?"
"Who are you talking about?" Daiya asks with a suspicious look.
That's odd. I thought Daiya would know who I was talking about when I said that.
"You don't know? Naturally it's—"
—err, who?
Huh? Wait a sec! I am…I am about to say a certain person's name. So why have I forgotten not only his name, but also his face?
"…Kazu-kun? What's wrong? Who were you talking about?"
I feel sick, as if I had swallowed something half-liquid and slimy that makes me want to rip out my gullet. But I am lucky to still be able to feel that disgust. If I gulped it down completely and excreted it, then XX would disappear.
"H-Hey…Kazu-kun!"
No problem. I can remember it all. I can remember thanks to that feeling of disgust.
"—Haruaki"
The name of my dear friend. The companion who pledged to be my ally forever.
…I'm only grasping at straws, but I hope anyway. Hope that I'm the only one who forgot about Haruaki for some reason. But I really am an idiot. That hope—
"Hey, Kazu. Who is that 'Haruaki'?"
—could never be fulfilled.
I grit my teeth upon feeling this vexing sensation. Daiya and Kokone frown at my strange behavior.
Those two have forgotten about him—even though as his childhood friends, they've known him far longer than I have.
The fact that 'Haruaki' does not exist here is thrust at me mercilessly, and—
"I'll go home."
—causes a fatal wound.
I stand, pick up my bag, turn my back to them and walk out of the classroom.
I can't endure being here any longer.
Why isn't Haruaki here?
I know why. I know that Haruaki has been 'rejected'.
By whom? That's obvious. He was definitely 'rejected' by the protagonist who created this Rejecting Classroom.
I got it all wrong. I thought the Rejecting Classroom was going to preserve the flow of everyday life forever. How foolish. There is no way that things would work out that way. Everyday life is called everyday life because it flows continuously. If you stop the flow of a river, then mud would gather and paint it black. It's just like that. Sediment has gathered here as well.
Aah, I see. I guess I've noticed this phenomenon many times already. No matter how many loops I endure, I always rediscover this fact. And then I stop opposing Aya Otonashi.
Aya Otonashi will destroy the Rejecting Classroom.
And knowing what I know now, why would I stop her?
The bell rings. Most of my classmates should have returned to their seats by now.
So before leaving the classroom I turn around.
An empty seat. Another empty seat. Another empty seat. And another one over there. Aah…I already realized this, but no one else finds the large number of empty seats unusual.
✵
I probably could've figured it out, but I didn't do so because I didn't want to admit it.
Aya Otonashi has come to the conclusion that it is impossible to retrieve the box from me.
It should be easy enough to end the Rejecting Classroom as soon as you identify the culprit. She's gone through over 20,000 iterations in order to retrieve the box.
So…what should she do?
Isn't it obvious?
My limbs whirl around as I am run over by the truck. It's kinda comical to see my own right leg lying far away from me.
"So it ends here…"
I get 'killed'. I let myself get killed.
"27,753 meaningless recurrences. So all this time ends in completely wasted effort? I have to…I have to admit that even I am getting tired."
To be precise, I'm not dead yet. But lying in a pool of blood, I know: I will die. I will not be rescued. And I've indeed been killed by her.
"Ugh…! I've spent this outrageous amount of time and this is what I get. I've never hated my own impotence more than right now…!" She murmurs with bitter regret.
"…let's move on. Since I couldn't find the box here, I'll just have to seek the next one."
Aya Otonashi's eyes aren't perceiving me anymore. No, surely those eyes have never perceived me properly in the first place.
From start to finish Aya Otonashi has just been looking at the box inside me.
Will this day also be rendered 'void'? No, it won't. If the box called the Rejecting Classroom is inside my body, then it will get smashed when I die. And like my flesh was smashed by the truck, this box is already smashed as well.
This day won't repeat anymore.
Aah, what irony. If this were the only way to end the Rejecting Classroom, then death is the only thing that's been preordained from the start. Well, naturally it's empty. This world was surely—the world after my death.
But with this, our battle comes to an end.
It was a one-sided fight with no surprises, but it has come to an end here.
Yeah…that's what you're convinced of, right? Otonashi-san?
I pity you. I really do, Otonashi-san!
I guess it's because you kept ignoring me. You wouldn't have made such a mistake otherwise.
That's why you wasted so much time.
Listen, Otonashi-san. It's simple enough if you think about it. There's no way that a regular person like me could be the protagonist.
I want to tell her that, but I'm unable to do so anymore. I can't even move my mouth.
My consciousness fades away. I die.
Which—ends nothing.
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