Maria-sama ga Miteru:Volume22 Chapter4.3

Section 3

"... Touko-chan."

Yumi tagged behind the hastily-leaving Touko-chan, and herself hastily left the room.

Even though Touko-chan had left in a hurry, there was no point in hurrying down the stairs. That way she could walk down the stairs without making any noise, and could properly follow Touko-chan outside of the Rose Mansion.

If her footsteps were too loud, or she made jarring door opening and closing noises, then someone was bound to notice. But Touko-chan had left, without even turning back.

"Wait."

Yumi called out to Touko-chan.

Touko-chan stopped walking. She turned back to look at Yumi, but her face betrayed no emotion, almost as if she had known that Yumi had been following her all along.

"Are you leaving?"

She was wearing her code, and she had all of her stuff. No matter how you looked at it, the question was a completely idiotic one to ask to a student who was obviously going home.

(TL Sukoshi: The above reflection makes a bit more sense in Japanese, where the reflection becomes existential upon the absurdity of the situation.)

"Yeah."

Touko-chan nodded and once again began walking.

"Well I just wanted to know whether you were really going home halfway through the party."

"It seems like I am."

Yumi walked forward quickly and caught up to Touko-chan.

"Kanako-san seems to have left long ago."

Touko-chan's whispered words dripped venom. She really wanted to talk as little as possible.

"Yeah, she did. But Touko-chan doesn't have to be as punctual."

"I had mentioned that I had somewhere to be, had I not?"

"You did, I think."

They walked on in silence for a while, but Touko-chan finally broke the silence.

"Why are you walking with me? Or are you going home too, Yumi-sama? Surely you didn't come to school on a day like this with just a small handbag, Yumi-sama?"

"Haha, no way."

She hadn't brought her coat, her muffler, or her other handbag.

"I just wanted to walk with Touko-chan for a while."

"Do you always pay such little attention to what others want, Yumi-sama?"

"Am I bothering you then?"

"... No."

Not bad, right? Yumi walked along happily.

"But I'm not exactly inviting you either."

"Obviously."

Touko-chan was, as always, cold.

Yumi walked with Touko-chan down the cold, dark school corridor as she walked up to the first year hoe box, where she collected her school shoes. Yumi then walked with Touko-chan to the entrance.

Touko-chan kept her school shoes in her bag so she could take them home with her, as she would do any other day. But tomorrow, Yumi remembered, was the start of winter vacation.

"You really just wanted to walk with me then, Yumi-sama."

"Touko-chan whispered."

"Huh?"

"I was just wondering if you wanted to talk with me about anything."

They had walked down together. And now Touko-chan wanted Yumi to continue. Touko-chan didn't want to leave school alone.

She wanted someone to be there with her.

She didn't want to just leave like this.

Yumi had no choice but to walk with Touko-chan, to not alienate her. So Yumi said "Fine, let's walk a bit more."

"Ah, so you want to talk huh. Sure, let's talk."

Yumi wasn't mortally bound to talk. But then, that didn't mean that Yumi didn't want to talk to Touko-chan either.

But Touko-chan was with her, now. To Yumi, her presence itself had much worth.

When Yumi thought of Touko-chan, her heart would feel squeezed if Touko-chan were not there.

Perhaps that was because of the new experiences she had with Touko-chan, or her lonely faces, or the feeling of her cold hands.

But in spite of it all.

Every time she wanted to ask a question like "Did anything happen?" or "Is there anything I can help you out with?", she just couldn't get it out. Every time she thought along those lines, she knew that Touko-chan's response would be "No, you can't do anything", and Yumi would feel depressed.

But Yumi was very happy to have the real Touko-chan in front of her. This Touko-chan not only had a face, but was also wearing her coat. There was no mistaking her for a figment of Yumi's imagination.

(TL Sukoshi: I think in the follow conversation, it's very important to remember that everyone thinks of Yumi as the do-gooder idiot girl who is perhaps a bit slow. This was the old Yumi, but the new Yumi's a lot more mature than that. Yumi knows when to play the role, and how to get answers out of people using it.)

"But wow, Rei-sama really surprised me."

Yumi searched for words and landed upon the hastle-free topic of what had just coincidentally occurred.

"Well isn't Yumi-sama happy that Sachiko-sama will be staying in Lillian?"

Was it Yumi's imagination or were Touko-chan's words a bit pointed? No, it wasn't just some hapless musing on Yumi's part.

But this wasn't the first time Touko-chan was acting so coldly. She wasn't any other meek girl, so she found offense even at Yumi's words.

Yumi pushed herself back together, and continued talking.

"You mean, aren't I happy that a third year chose her future path the way I had wanted her to... right?"

How about that for an answer? Touko-chan couldn't criticize her logic for being too simple. But.

"The world isn't full of people who can follow the path they wanted to."

Touko-chan said.

"... Huh?"

"Someone might want to be something, but find out that there's a large gap between reality and expectation."

"T... Touko-chan?"

This wasn't some sort of simple criticism. Touko-chan's face didn't have a rebellious or strained face showing some strong emotion. Instead it was a face carefully crafted by some internal will.

Perhaps Touko-chan wanted to just say something meaningful to someone. Yumi was facing Touko-chan's deep-seated reflections.

"A gap?"

Yumi reflect the conversation back to Touko-chan. She wanted Touko-chan to talk more about what she had just said.

"In an elementary school social studies class, once we had to work with a blank map."

"When I was given my blank map, I was extremely happy."

Touko-chan smiled broadly. What was causing the smile? Was she remembering what she was feeling at the time, or was she just smiling by putting herself back in that memory? Yumi didn't know.

"It was a blank map of Japan with only an outline. The map only had prefecture borders and rivers drawn in. I wanted to take this map and draw mountains in it. I wanted to draw cities. I wanted to show the prefecture office of each prefecture, on that page I could even control the weather. In front of that page, I was God. I could make the map anything I wanted it to be. Why? Because nothing had been drawn in."

Touko-chan suddenly grew heavy as she spoke. Yumi was clueless. This blank map had something to do with Touko-chan's hidden feelings.

"But as the class went on, and I filled the page bit by bit, I noticed something. The map hadn't turned out as good as I thought it would. I had wanted to make a map to beat all other maps, and yet the fruit of my hard labor was nothing at all the way I had imagined it to be. I wanted to make a map as good as the printed maps you see around you. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't escape the limits of being an elementary school student."

Touko-chan's face clouded.

"The map should have been shining. And yet, its brilliance had faded. There was no going back. And it was because I was the one who had made it."

Yumi couldn't laugh the whole thing off as normal. To Touko-chan's elementary school self, it must have been a depressing blow. But what was underlying Touko-chan's explanation was something about the blank map itself.

There was always a day as a kid when one realized that one couldn't do what one wanted to, or one couldn't have things go the way one wanted them to. But this was --

"Life is like that blank map. It doesn't go the way you want it to. That's what I was trying to show."

The two stood before the statue of Maria-sama. When the sun was up in the sky, it was surrounded by the mingling of students, the pauses of couples exchanging presents, and of soeurs exchanging rosaries. But at this hour, there was no-one left.

"If I can't make the perfect map, then why can't I just smear it with pink, white, black, or maybe even polka-dots?"

Touko-chan hissed to herself.

Pink? Polka dots? They were going back to these blank maps and all this symbology?

"The teacher had seen the problems in my map and had taken points off for them. I didn't care. I wanted my map to be as beautiful as possible. But it would never be."

Touko-chan suddenly veered off into some direction that Yumi couldn't follow. But Yumi did understand what Touko-chan was talking about. Touko-chan was worrying about her future. This experience from her past had somehow combined with what was happening to her in the present, and created this situation.

Yumi searched for something to say. Just what could she say to something like this? Yumi needed someone to tell her. How could she help Touko-chan?

"Touko-chan."

Touko-chan saw the glitter in Yumi's eyes and quickly turned and began walking away.

"That was all just nonsense. Forget about it."

Almost as if Touko-chan had woken up from some dream. As if everything Touko-chan had said up till now had been some sort of mistake.

But there was no use in pretending that it was. There was no way Touko could un-say what she had just said.

Touko-chan began moving further away from Yumi.

What could Yumi do?

There was some way that Yumi could do something for Touko-chan. Touko-chan and the heavy heart she carried was moving further away.

How could Yumi bridge the gap?

How ...

"Touko-chan!"

Yumi shouted.

Touko-chan turned around.

Maria-sama seemed to have juxtaposed herself between the two, as they turned toward each other.

"Would you become my soeur?"

Those were the only words Yumi could think of.

"... What?"

Touko-chan finally responded, five seconds later.

"So, I'm not good enough, huh?"

Yumi shouted back in answer.

"Yumi-sama..."

Yumi walked up to the immobile figure of Touko-chan. Touko-chan just stood there and watched Yumi, wide-eyed.

Yumi suddenly remembered that she had her rosary, and so she removed it from her neck. It was the same dear rosary that had been given to her by Sachiko-sama one year and two months ago.

Touko-chan's lips parted slightly.

"I thank you for your kind contribution. Yumi-sama, you are a very great friend."

"Huh?"

"How would you feel if I had responded that way?"

Yumi couldn't move as she held the rosary's circular figure out in her hands.

Touko-chan's face was laughing. But the real Touko-chan wasn't. Touko-chan wasn't saying anything. The strong feelings of despair within Touko-chan were mixing together and to stop them from exploding out, she had created this cover of a smile.

The blood was draining from Touko-chan's face. Her whole body had frozen.

"My deepest apologies Yumi-sama, but I'm not such a good school girl. If you want to perform some holy charity, please, practice it elsewhere."

(TL Sukoshi: The above dialogue refers back to Touko's introduction at the Christmas Party. The girl accepts charity, as a good girl. Here Touko repudiates such pious, good-natured charity.)

"Touko-cha..."

Charity? Yumi hadn't meant for it to seem like charity at all. But Touko-chan didn't want to listen to Yumi.

"I apologize if my indirect wording caused you consternation, Yumi-sama. At any rate, I can't accept that rosary. Please, take it back."

Yumi said only what she had to.

"I'm sorry."

Touko-chan once again began walking. But this time, Yumi couldn't follow her. She couldn't call out to Touko-chan to stop.

Touko-chan plodded onward, moving farther from Yumi.

Touko-chan crossed the rows of Gingko Trees, crossed the school gate, and left the school premises altogether.

But Yumi couldn't see all of that. It was dark outside, and Yumi couldn't see Touko-chan.

Yumi shivered as she put the rejected rosary back onto her neck. Even though she had only taken it off for a short while, its warmth seemed to have fled completely.

Yumi would find it very hard to simply go back to the party and enjoy with the others as she had been. But there was no use standing alone outside like this.

She had come out without even wearing a coat. As the sun left, the day tended to get progressively colder. Now, it was so cold outside that Yumi was sure to catch a cold.

And she had left the Rose Mansion without saying a word. If she didn't return for a long time, everyone would be worried about her.

Yumi turned toward the school buildings and began walking back.

Yumi didn't consciously make the effort to walk, rather she just endlessly repeated a motion which placed one foot in front of the other. As Yumi aimlessly ambled on, she lost track of time.

"Yumi."

Sachiko-sama was standing in front of the door to the Rose Mansion.

"If I waited here, I thought maybe we could meet alone."

Sachiko-sama too had not brought her coat. Like Yumi, Sachiko-sama had simply brought a purse which dangled around her elbow.

"If you waited ... ?"

Yumi answered. Just how long had Onee-sama waited for her? Had Sachiko-sama known that Yumi had gone out pursuing Touko-chan?

"Here."

"Ah."

Yumi quickly realized that what Sachiko-sama was taking out of her purse was her Christmas present to Yumi. Without opening the present, Yumi knew what it was. The gift-wrapped flat small box was the same present Sachiko-sama had given last year.

"It's a handkerchief, right?"

"It wouldn't have been a new present if it was the same. So this year, I thought I would add a personal touch."

Yumi removed the wrapping paper to try and open the present. She could see it from the outside, a white handkerchief.

It had been bordered by a gorgeous, embroidered lace. Just like last year. But where the 'S' had been embroidered on before, above that a pink 'Y' had been stitched on. Rather than obscuring the 'S', no matter where you looked at it from, they seemed to pair together. It almost seemed like some company logo.

And next to the letters was.

"It's a rose ... a red rose."

Using a Bullion Stitch, Sachiko-sama had embroidered numerous red roses on the handkerchief. Each individual rose had been individually stitched by her Onee-sama.

"Thank you so much."

Yumi squeezed the handkerchief. Yum had gotten such a special gift for her Christmas Present? Yumi felt so ... fortunate.

"Oh yeah, I also have something."

Yumi suddenly remembered about her present, and began searching her purse. She handed the gift-wrapped present that she pulled out from the middle of her bag. Sachiko-sama made some unintelligible noise like "Ara". Maybe she had been expecting a ribbon because Yumi had given one last year.

"It isn't very good, but I tried as hard as I could. I know you read a lot of books, Onee-sama, so..."

It was a hand-knit woolen book bag. She had made it large so that it could even fit big, bulky hardcover books. Yumi had stitched a crimson pattern on a base color which resembled the dark green of the tea used in formal tea ceremonies. It was something that one could stitch in one shape, unlike something larger like a sweater. And bigger items had sleeves and collars to worry about, so the room for error was endless. And making one with two colors would have been very difficult.

"This is ... the red rose color, right? Haha, we thought about the same thing when making our presents!"

Sachiko-sama laughed.

"Thank you. You can use it through the winter, and in summer too."

"It would be a bit hot in the summer..."

What could you do, it was made with wool after all. Yumi laughed. But Sachiko-sama could pull it off. When Yumi imagined a Sachiko-sama panting and sweating while carrying around her dark, woolen book bag, Yumi became a bit happier. But for some reason, as Yumi was laughing, her eyesight became cloudy.

"What's wrong?"

Sachiko-sama asked, even as she seemed to float in the middle of a watery mirror to Yumi.

"Onee-sama, I..."

It was a bit weird to suddenly start crying after one had been laughing. She had tried to steady herself as much as possible so she wouldn't cry.

But Sachiko-sama didn't seem to care a bit about the tears, and asked but one sensitive question that cut to the heart of the matter.

"Did something happen between you and Touko-chan?"

Yumi too cut out all the frills in her story, and cut to the chase.

"She ... rejected my rosary."

"I see."

Sachiko-sama simply nodded.

"Why? What did I do wrong? I didn't mean to show any pity to her."

Yumi really believed that Touko-chan had wanted to be her soeur then.

Why had Yumi thought that? Just what had set her on about Touko-chan? She couldn't really say. But there was no mistaking what she had felt.

To quote Shimako-san, it was ... "Just a something".

Just something had made Touko-chan feel like her soeur right then.

But there was no way Yumi could show someone that.

Yumi had no choice but to keep it to herself.

The feeling wasn't anything but some selfish conclusion of Yumi's.

Touko-chan had slowly disappeared from in front of Yumi.

Life never went the way you wanted it to. The burden Touko-chan represented only now began to color the feelings in Yumi's heart.

"Touko-chan isn't the only first-year out there."

Sachiko-sama squeezed Yumi's shoulder.

"But."

"I know. If you were thinking of others, then you wouldn't have handed her the rosary."

Exactly. If Yumi was willing to accept any old first-year as her soeur, oh how easy it could be. But now that she had realized that Touko-chan was the one, there was no going back.

There were probably dozens of girls much nicer than Touko-chan. Much brighter, happier girls. Much more calm girls. Much gentler girls. Much more interesting girls, and much purer girls.

But Touko-chan was the one.

Because every girl but Touko-chan had a list of great qualities that Touko-chan didn't have.

"Then it's okay to keep trying."

Sachiko-sama said.

"When Shimako-san had rejected my offer, I felt that there were others who could take her place."

"Huh?"

"But it was different when you had rejected me Yumi. I really felt that I wanted you to have my rosary."

Sachiko-sama gently stroked Yumi's hair.

"I tried my best. And that's why you're here next to me now, right Yumi?"

"... Ah."

(I remember. "I *will* make you my soeur.", you had said.)

Sachiko had declared to Yumi after following her through the Gingko Trees. Yumi had just rejected Sachiko-sama. So this is what Sachiko-sama must have been feeling like, back then.

"Being rejected once doesn't make a big difference."

"I see."

"Just puff out your chest. Being rejected shouldn't be embarrassing."

"I see."

Yumi answered, while she idly wondered why she could see water dropping from Sachiko-sama's eyes.

"But, it is sad."

Sachiko-sama wiped her eyes off with her hand and said. So Yumi shouldn't give up home.

"I see. Um, Onee-sama, is it okay if I cry a little now?"

"Sure."

Sachiko-sama opened her hands out wide, and tucked Yumi up against her chest.

"Waaaaah"

Yumi clung to her Onee-sama and cried out.

Was she feeling sad? Or did she feel hurt? Maybe she felt like she had lost something dear to her. Or maybe she was just mad. Or maybe she was annoyed. Yumi didn't honestly know. She didn't know. So Yumi cried and cried, letting out all of her mixed feelings.

The second floor of the Rose Mansion was still lit. But Yumi didn't care who heard her. She didn't have enough room left in her to care. Yumi just wanted to cry it all out.

Merry Christmas.

From somewhere far away a bell rang.

Santa Claus wasn't bringing her a petite soeur this year, but she already had an Onee-sama who helped her deal with the sadness in her life. She had an Onee-sama whom she could cry with. And that was what slowed down Yumi's tears.

Merry Christmas.

The outside air was cold.

Yumi felt on her cheeks something that couldn't have been tears.

Snow.

Perhaps life never went the way you wanted it to. Or maybe it was just that life only sometimes went the way you wanted it to.

(TL Sukoshi: The original phrase in Japanese for "Perhaps life never went the way you wanted it to" implies not just a personal life, but nature as a whole. So when it begins to snow on Christmas, it is implied that, because snow is in the natural order of things, life is going the way it should, at least for now.)

Merry Christmas.

Even though it was the time to celebrate Jesus’ birthday, Yumi's tears would not stop.

Merry Christmas.

What should she do?

She'd have to use her Onee-sama's gift so early.