How To Eat Life:Chapter 3-4

#3-4_kon_chiami / The Isolated Girl's Unheard Voice

Who was it again?

I forgot already.

I talked about someone to Mama.

“You know XX-chan, she said she bought the plushie from XX.”

Was that what I said?

In truth, when I said that, I had a little hope that maybe I could buy it too.

Just a little, okay?

I already knew, anyway.

"Chia-chan? Mama always tells you, don't I? XX-chan is XX-chan, and Chia-chan is Chia-chan, right? Other people are other people, aren't they? And you're you, aren't you?"

Mama was angry, and Chia-chan understood that. Chia-chan was Chia-chan, after all. She wouldn't bring it up anymore. If she did, Mama would get mad. We shouldn't compare ourselves to other people's children, Mama would say. Chia-chan is Chia-chan. Other people's children are different.

Mama's precious Chia-chan. Chia-chan was special. She was Mama's one and only. Chia-chan was precious, more important than anything or anyone; Mama's child.

"What should we do for summer vacation, Chia-chan? Apparently, XX-chan's family is going to Hawaii. XX-chan's Mama said they went to Saipan for New Year's, didn't she? Papa can't take time off work. Papa's always like that. I saw XX at the class reunion for the first time in a while, and they said they were building a house. A detached house. You wouldn't want to live in an apartment forever, huh? So, what should we do for summer vacation?"

Chia-chan was fine with anywhere. For summer break, winter break, and spring break, they should just do what Mama wanted to do. Piano, ballet, English conversational classes, swimming, and cram school—all of these were also decided by Mama. If Chia-chan said she didn't want to go, Mama would surely become furious.

"Whose sake do you think this is for? Chia-chan? It's for your own sake, isn't it?"

Chia-chan had wanted to try calligraphy. Who was it again? Someone had practiced it and developed good penmanship, and I had been envious. I had asked Mama about it, but she had gotten angry.

"XX-chan is XX-chan, and Chia-chan is Chia-chan, right? Other people are other people, aren't they? And you're you, aren't you? Mama always tells you, don't I? Why don't you understand, Chia-chan?"

I was at fault for not understanding.

Other people are other people, and I am myself.

The things Mama decided were for Chia-chan's sake.

Chia-chan was precious to Mama, after all.

Because Chia-chan was Mama's special girl.

But you know, Mama, Chia-chan is not good at piano and ballet, after all. I always get scolded by Mama. English is not fun at all. Swimming is just tiring and a huge pain. Mama snapped and yelled, "Then just quit! What a waste of money!" so I ended up quitting. I was scared that Mama would get angry if my grades dropped, so I went to cram school, but it's not like I really wanted to go, though.

"It's alright. Because Chia-chan is Chia-chan. Chia-chan should just be Chia-chan. Mama loves Chia-chan just the way she is. Okay? Understand, Chia-chan?"

When did it start again?

Mama would definitely get mad at me.

Somehow, whenever Mama called me "Chia-chan," my whole body would feel uncomfortable. It became hard to breathe. It felt unpleasant. I never said it because I didn't want to make Mama mad. After all, Mama loves the phrase "Chia-chan," and she loves "Chia-chan" as well. But you know, maybe that's just the case.

Maybe the one Mama loves is not me, but her beloved "Chia-chan" that other version of me.

Whether it's piano, ballet, English conversational classes, or swimming, I'm glad I didn't quit. Because Mama wanted me to do them. If I didn't do as Mama said, I wouldn't be "Chia-chan" anymore, and she would hate me. Wanting something was not allowed. "Chia-chan" wouldn't make Mama angry.

In middle school, many kids had smartphones, and I wanted one too. I wanted it so badly, but I was scared of making Mama mad if I asked for one. So I pestered Papa about it until he bought one for me.

After that, Mama and Papa had a huge fight. Mama screamed late into the night.

"You haven't even bought a single ring for me, and you get your daughter anything she asks for! What am I to you? How much do you think I've sacrificed for you and our daughter!"

I pretended not to hear it.

Ah ah ah ah ah aah ah aaah I can't hear anything, I can't hear, I can't hear, I can't hear ah ah aah I can't hear, I can't hear, I cannot hear ah ah ah...

Mama is scary when she gets angry. I can't make her angry. When she's not angry, she's kind. Everyone praises Mama. Mama gives off a friendly impression. When "Chia-chan" was in elementary school, she frequently attended PTA events. She has many friends too. Papa's parents, grandpa, and grandma also side with Mama more than Papa. And Mama is willing to love "Chia-chan" no matter what. She is "Chia-chan's" mother, after all.

Maybe it's my fault.

Maybe it's all my fault.

I don't have a friendly impression like Mama—I mean, I'm not a kind person. If I'm not in the right mood, I can't even smile. I always compare myself to the kids around me. And I don't have that many friends either. I secretly vented my dark thoughts on social media too. If I didn't, the pain was unbearable.

If I continue like this, I won't be "Chia-chan" anymore, and Mama might come to hate me.

Even though I'm trying so hard.

I told my friends they could "tell me anything." I was willing to accept anything that came my way. If there was something I wanted, I would endure it. I was doing as Mama told me, as much as possible. I was careful so Mama wouldn't get mad—so I wouldn't make her mad. And even though my skin crawled when Mama called me "Chia-chan," I still responded with a smile, saying, "Yes, Mama?" I was doing my best.

When I vented, there were people on social media who encouraged me, and I was quite encouraged by them too. They would say it wasn't my fault, but deep down, I knew it was.

(Isn't it strange?)

Sometimes I hear a voice.

Strange?

Whose?

(It's you)

Me?

(It's your fault)

Maybe that's true. If only I could remain myself, the "Chia-chan" that Mama loved so much.

I know. I know that Nagisa, Yoriko, and Miyuki don't really like me that much.

After looking at social media, I realized that people have hidden sides to them. After all, Mama is like that too. I'm not really "Chia-chan" either. It would be nice if I could become Mama's beloved "Chia-chan," but I can't be anyone other than myself. Chiami is Chiami, after all.

I'm working so hard, so why doesn't anyone like me?

"Look for your true self!"

Someone wrote that on social media.

"Search for yourself!"

"Try to find your own self!"

They said I just had to ask myself. What am I? Who am I? What do I want to do? What do I want to become? What do I want?

“Chia-chan”

Mama, please don't call me “Chia-chan”. But I don't want Mama to hate me. Mama, please keep liking me. Because I love you, Mama. Nagisa too, and Yoriko, and Miyuki, please keep liking me. Please like me more. I’m lonely, and anxious, so everyone, please like me. Please don't hate me. Mama, that’s not me. I’m not “Chia-chan”.

I am Chiami. Chiami is Chiami. Does Mama hate Chiami?

Please don't hate her. Please keep liking me. Please love Chiami.

If everyone won't love me, then I hate everyone.