Iris on Rainy Days: Dismantling- 2 Days Before
It was the first day since Doctor had passed away.
I spent my time idling in the mansion. Since the previous night I had been sitting like that, staring at the scenery outside the window of the living room. The sky was ironically blue, and the birds were chirping. They almost seemed to be singing a hymn of peace. But I felt like being the only person left in this world. Rather than falling into sadness, I was more like unable to fully embrace the truth.
Not knowing what I should do, I eventually returned to my usual routine work.
I gave the mansion a good clean, cut the grass, and paid the bills.
When I was trying to wash Doctor's clothes, I found my hands shaking. After preparing the meals, I was in a shock, realizing that no one would finish my dishes.
The bed in Doctor's bedroom was cold. When the thought that the bed would never be warm again came up onto my mind, I felt like my chest being torn into pieces.
I did not even know what I was doing. But I continued with the chores. In such way I kept escaping from the truth. It was simply too scary for me to face the reality.
By night time, I eventually had nothing else left to do.
I sat on the corridor outside the bedroom, hugging my knees. I felt like if I waited long enough Doctor might return. That was why for the whole night, I was firmly grasping her cigarette case and waiting for her.
But, Doctor did not return.
--WARNING-- At dawn, there was an electronic voice from my mind circuit.
--BATTERY WILL RUN OUT IN 5 MINUTES-- A voice with no intonation, spoken in a businesslike tone.
--PLEASE START CHARGING THE BATTERY NOW--
I stood up unsteadily and stumbled towards the laboratory.
On my way, I fell down the stairs because I was running out of power. My right foot twisted towards a weird direction. Dragging one of my legs, I walked slowly towards the laboratory.
Sitting on the milk-white bed, I opened my wrist. The linking unit for recharging appeared.
It was at that time that I had a sudden impulse to cut my wrist.
If I cut my wrist, I would die. I would have an easy way out. I would be able to go to where Doctor had gone to.
As my mental state had been in a mess ever since the death of Doctor, I quickly proceeded to realize my desire.
Holding a burner used for maintenance purposes, I pressed the switch. A shimmer of hot air shot out of its opening. Shortly after, a red pillar of flame appeared. Slowly, I moved the burner towards my wrist. Metallic droplets like sweat showed up and the linking unit slowly melted. In ten seconds, the electrical outlet was totally burnt. A large amount of black machine oil burst out of it.
It was a miserable scene. The outburst of oil from my wrist reached even the ceiling. The laboratory which was as white as a snowfield turned into a dark room filled with stinky oil. Staring at the scene in a state of ecstasy, the electronic voice of "WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!"inside my mind circuit sounded like hysteric screams.
In five minutes, all the machine oil had flowed out of my body. There was only a dark liquid kept shooting out of my wrist. It was almost like the water fountain in the square outside the train station.
It was at that moment.
I had a vehement shivering fit.
It was something that I had never felt before. Dizziness, nausea, and an intense pain like my cranium being twisted and scratched, struck me multiple times within a short duration. Like humans who drank poison, my lips were trembling. Feeling extremely sick, I rolled on the floor in pain and clutched my chest.
--WARNING! 30 SECONDS BEFORE BATTERY RUNS OUT! PLEASE START MAINTENANCE PROCEDURES IMMEDIATELY—- In its usual, businesslike tone, the electronic voice declared my coming death.
Suddenly, like a lunatic, my eyes became wide open.
-- No! I don't want to die!--
I stood up in a panic and grabbed the recharging tube violently. Repeatedly I tried to pierce the electrical outlet of my wrist with the tube. However the charging unit had already deformed from heat. Like trying to thread a needle, all my attempts to link the tube with the unit failed.
--BATTERY WILL RUN OUT IN 10 SECONDS, 9, 8, 7…--
Panting in fear, I continued to stab the linking unit in my wrist with the tube. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die.
With a clear sound of the tube being plunged into the linking unit, electricity and machine oil began to be pumped into my body. The warning sound stopped, and I was relieved from the shivering fit and the nauseous feeling.
I was relieved, from the bottom of my heart.
Ah… this time I don't have to die.
I was shocked by my thought.
Is it a good thing that I didn't die?
…when Doctor had already passed away?
Is living alone such a happy thing?
Is shamelessly clinging to life and living in dishonour such a happy thing?
The other self inside my body kept whispering.
Iris Rain Umbrella. Why are you still living? You are a robot after all. Why are you afraid of death? With the master served by you being gone for good, there is no longer any meaning to your existence. Despite of this why are you still clinging to life? Die! Die! Die quickly now!
Being extremely disgusted in myself, I scratched my head fiercely and tried to pluck my hair.
As an undoubted truth, I was obsessed with living. I wanted to live. I did not want to die. That was what I felt, what I realized, right after the first time of facing death.
I despised even my own self. Despite of loving Doctor so much, despite of day-by-day shamelessly telling her how I loved her, I could not even bring myself to follow her.
Whenever I plucked my hair, the tube clinging from my wrist hit the floor. It was extremely troublesome, but I did not have the courage to pull it away.
The walls and ceiling were in black, giving a stinky smell. Sitting in the black blood bursted out of my body, I kept plucking my hair like a lunatic. Dozen and dozen pieces of hair plucked from my head fell onto the ground.
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