Editing Talk:Seikai no Senki:Volume4 Prologue

Duo: Hey all (well, everyone form The Abh Nation, anyway, not sure if anyone else is working on this at all), I finally caught up with the series and am all set to make my TRIUMPHANT return to the editor's chair! *Sounds trumpets* But anyway, yeah, psyched to be able to help with this at last. I'm creating this page in the interests of proposing whatever thoughts I have before just going out and making changes, because I imagine there will be times when I'd like to ask someone who can look at the Japanese whether a thought I have changes the original meaning of the sentence, etc. I guess if no one notices/responds I'll just go ahead and use my own judgment, eventually, but I thought I'd do this first.

So first thought--do we like having the prologue in present tense? I find it a bit awkward a lot of the time, but if it's accurate to the novel I guess we may as well leave it. It does seem weird for a prologue of all things to be in present, especially since the next chapter swaps over into past tense, but anyway, I guess it's a matter of personal preference. 


Second point--Um... how... RAWR are we going to be about "correct" vs. phonetic Baronh in this? I realize I may be in the minority preferring the latter, but I guess I don't see the point in romanizing a language with its own alphabet if you then need a pronunciation key to make sense of it. Just a thought. Anyway, on to specifics--


"Perhaps in ancient times, countless nations all had different ways of doing things." 

>Suggested> "Perhaps, in ancient times, different nations all had their own ways of doing things." 

--I think "countless" is a weird modifier to use like this; it doesn't sound very good. I think my wording flows a bit better while keeping the same idea. 


"However, for The Humankind Empire of Abh, the imperial vessel is always designed so that the emperor can command a battle at the frontlines." 

--Should "is" be "was" here? Or is that just my preference for past tense coming through? "Is" sounds more like what you would say to someone in this context, "was" sounds more like prose, to me, and since this is sort of a historical perspective... *shrugs*


"The ship Ramage is aboard now is a Kau class patrol ship with the design specifications of a flagship."

--Can someone clarify a bit what this entails, exactly? It seems like we're saying it's one kind of ship and then instantly saying it was designed like another kind of ship entirely--I know that Seikai is pretty awful for technobabble about ships in particular, but can someone explain what this statement amounts to to me?


---On a general side note: Should we not replace "Emperor" with "Empress" as long as we're talking about Ramage?


"Not taken into consideration the condition of other fleets, at least the ones in the Star Force, soldiers in the frontline most want to have a place as spacious and luxurious as the commander's quarters. Although the emperor’s quarters on the ship is not very fancy, the ship’s crew still puts up a lot exquisite decorations."

--Phew, this is an awkward one. Lemme see what I can come up with...

>Suggested> "Other fleets notwithstanding, within the Star Force, most frontline soldiers wished their quarters were as spacious and luxurious as the commander's. Although the emperor's (empress'?) quarters on the ship are not very fancy, they were still decorated exquisitely. 

--Does that come close enough to preserving the Japanese? I had to sort of guess at what some of first sentence was talking about.


"Despite this, to an emperor that has to shoulder an empire of more than a trillion citizens; to have such a living quarter is just way too simple and unadorned." 

>Suggested> "Despite this, for an emperor who has to shoulder the burden of more than a trillion citizens, such living quarters must seem simple and unadorned."

--I added "seemed" because I think if we use a definite statement the next sentence, saying how the room seems like paradise, undercuts this one. I'm also not sure if this really needs to be its own paragraph. I had a little trouble with getting the flow right here, may need to come back to this one. 


"Therefore a place that allows for one to enjoy some peace and quiet is very precious. It would be even better if this precious time would not be disturbed by urgent reports; however this kind of wishful thinking nevertheless is still too luxurious."

>Suggested> "Therefore, any place that allows one to enjoy some peace and quiet is very precious. It would be even better if this precious time were not disturbed by urgent reports--but that would be too much of a luxury to hope for." 

--Cleaned up the first sentence's wording, tried to make the second sentence flow a bit better without relying on a cliche ("A luxury they couldn't afford" came to mind, but I'd rather not use it). Would have liked to not reuse the word "precious" but I didn't know what to substitute for it.


"At this moment, the floors shook signaling that the ship has securely docked (with the funeral hall)."

>Suggested> "At that moment, the floors shook, signaling that the ship had docked."

--Not sure if I just switched into past tense there or what... it seems to read a bit more naturally, but it might be out of place if we keep everything else in the present tense.


"When the doors open, she saw her attendants on mobile platforms who have seemingly awaited her for a good amount of time."

>Suggested> "When the doors open, she is greeted by the sight of her attendants, standing on mobile platforms, where they had apparently been waiting for some time."

--Tried to fix the tense-conflict and also clean things up. Changed "sees" to "she is greeted by the sight of" because I was having trouble finding a decent word flow using "sees," and this way we get to add a sense of seeing something that wasn't previously visible.


"“Your Majesty”, the attendants respectfully lowered their heads to bow to the emperor."

--I think we can get rid of "to bow," in this sentence. "Respectfully lowered their heads" means "bowed," so the second bit is redundant. However we've switched into past tense here, which is one of my concerns with using present tense--it's hard to maintain because past tense is the natural way to tell a story, in most cases.


"Ramage nodded in acknowledgement as she got a mobile platform. This is how the emperor left her paradise."

--"Got on a mobile platform," I would think. And seriously, we need to start using "empress" if we're going to use a female pronoun in the same sentence. Also, is that second sentence really what the Japanese says? It's a little... I think it may be trying to hard, but hey. Maybe we can come up with a wording for it that's a little less... thrown in your face.


"Even though she is still on the mobile platform, Ramage still cannot stop pondering – ''perhaps somewhere in planer space another funeral is taking place, a funeral that is unable to be held in a funeral hall.''"

>Suggested> "Even as she floated past them, Ramage couldn't stop from wondering - ''perhaps somewhere in planar space another funeral is (was?) taking place, a funeral that couldn't be held in a funeral hall.''"

--"Even though she is still on the mobile platform" was just an awkward reminder of exactly what's going on that we shouldn't need. I opted for "floated past them" as an alternate action to keep things moving, since it doesn't seem like her passing them by is mentioned later. Also, should be "planar space" or the English novel's "Plane Space." "Planer" is a type of tool, "planar" is "having the properties of a plane."


"No matter how many people think this train of thought is old-fashioned, to a soldier in the Star Force, their ship is their best coffin. Perhaps some people feel that they are forced to have so many people in one coffin is a big drawback, but their numbers are few at best. The majority of the people in the Star Force think that to die together with family is a worthy reason to celebrate."

>Suggested> "No matter how many people say that it's an old-fashioned way of thinking, for a soldier in the Star Force, the best choice for a coffin is their ship. Perhaps some feel that it isn't dignified to place so many people in one coffin, but their numbers are few at best. The majority of the people in the Star Force believe that dying together with family should be a cause for celebration."

--Altered wordings where it seemed like it could make things flow better. I changed the word order of ship and coffin because it seemed like a more natural way of building the sentence, and "their ship is their best coffin" makes it sound like the ship's purpose is to serve as a coffin, as opposed to just saying that it's the best choice for the job. Used "it isn't dignified" in place of "is a big drawback," because "drawback" felt mild considering and overly clinical considering the subject matter, and the fact that the people who disagree are likely doing so on emotional grounds. A little bit of inference on my part, I guess, but I think it feels more natural. 


"Although nobody went through any grand ceremonies to become sworn brothers and sisters, but when aboard a ship where either everyone lives or everyone dies, then naturally it feels like everyone is family: especially during times of war. Like the current time, the so called "The era of warfare"."

>Suggested> "Although no grand ceremonies were held for shipmates to become sworn brothers and sisters, when the situation aboard a ship is that either everyone lives or everyone dies, naturally it begins to feel like everyone on board is a family--especially during times of war. Like now, the so called "Era of Warfare.""

--Tried to work with the wording, may need to come back and do some more later. Otherwise just cleaned things up a bit. 

-----Alright, I'm fading here (still recovering from having wisdom teeth removed, painkillers make things weird), so I think I'm going to leave it at that. In retrospect, I may go ahead and make a few of the more obvious (in my book) changes, but I'll leave everything here for the perusal of anyone else involved. I'll try to get a better grip on the formatting of this site so I can make things a bit clearer when I next come back to this.