Editing Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter6 (section)

===Part 2===

Within the battle ring of the stadium, which held as much significance as any statue and had weathered years to decades of exposure, Pashir breathed life into his body and made a sharp step forward with his left foot .
*Suggesting removing "years to".  This was something that I put strikethrough and highlighted red in the preliminary comments, but I don't know if the fact that it appears here means you preferred to keep it in, or that it was just overlooked.
:*Preferred to keep it, just cause it was in the raws. 

Their swords collided at a distance both equally away from their faces.
*Possible revision: ... a distance halfway between their faces.
:*I'm bad with coming up with phrases like these. CaM.

Supposing whose life it was, supposing whose soul it was,
*I wasn't sure exactly what this meant.
:*Yea, I was originally going to just put it in inline cause it felt a bit off reading it in English. It's like a drawn out thought that should be embedded in italics(quotes for raws) but isn't for some weird reason...yep back to inline it goes.

They approached another to the distance of a blade, and near simultaneously let loose a single swing.
*Suggesting something like "to the length of a blade" or "to the length of their blades".
:*Changed to latter.

That was something Orba was more aware of than anyone. He swung on his right with all his strength and snapped his sword, or may have even deliberately allowed his sword to be broken, and, taking a step to the left, dodged the incoming attack while delivering a right punch to Pashir’s jaw.
*I was a little confused by which parts referred to what actions.  As I understand it "He swung ... to be broken" refers to the earlier confrontation that resulted in Orba's sword being broken?  And then after that refers to what Orba did once Pashir's sword was against his neck?  If that's the case, I suggest splitting those two into separate sentences and changing it to "had swung on his right" to make the difference in time clearer.
:*Just to confirm, this is how you think it should go? "He had swung on his right with all his strength and snapped his sword, or may have even deliberately allowed his sword to be broken. And, taking a step..."?
::*Hmm... That is what I was thinking, but now that I actually read it, it seems to still have some of the issue I was trying to avoid.  Maybe it would be fixed by revising further to "...be broken.  But now, taking a step..."  I'm trying to resolve the awkwardness I see when it goes from describing the current situation (Pashir's sword against Orba's neck), to recounting how they arrived there (Orba swining on his right), and then on to Orba's next actions (taking a step, dodging, and punching).  At least that's how I was reading it.  So "but now" was my attempt to come up with a transition that reflects the change from describing the past to describing immediate actions better than "and".  There might be better ways to do so.
:::*Originally, this entire segment was a single sentence. As such, it is recalling the entire sequence of events that occurred in past perfect. I will also change "And, " to "And then, " in addition to adding 'had'. I hope this resolves the problem. 

Pashir was knocked unconscious and laid still, and Orba’s body heaved heavily with laboured breathing.
*"Heaved heavily" and "laboured breathing" are closely spaced adjectives that are a little bit redundant, so I was a little tempted to delete one (heavily).  But they're both used correctly and not entirely redundant, so I think it's a matter of style.
:*It does seem a bit redundant now that you mention it. Changed to "Orba's whole body heaved with heavy breathing."

Orba was '''overwhelmed''' by the terrifying moans sent from the skies by the numerous souls freed from his brand.
*There was a glitch left over from the preliminary comments where there were three word choices listed out.  I deleted all but "overwhelmed" in the chapter text, but you may feel that something else fits better.
:*Yep, that's fine. Thanks.

The noise made from these two chants were nearly the same. As if paralyzed with hesitation, Orba did not move.
*Minor suggestion: The volume of these two chants was...
:*CaM.

Her once paled face returned in colour and her neck was drenched with sweat.
*Suggested revision: Colour returned to her paled face and her...
:*I'm finding the revision a bit weird...so I'm going to change the order. And also, I'm going to put 'once' back in there, because the raws actually word it as "Her face no longer pale, her neck was drenched in sweat." or.....it could be changed to "Her neck drenched with sweat, color returned to her once pallid face." Errr....yea, pick whichever you like better!
::*Second a little better.

The spectacle wasn’t as horrendous as the young girl thought.
*I guessed this line was meant to refer to the spectacle of the entire match, in which case I suggest "hadn't been as horrendous."  The current wording somewhat implies it is the current scene at the end of the match; and that could be the intended meaning so it might be fine as is.
:*CaM.

As we welcome the hundreds of people each year, we mustn’t forget the blood of the thousands who died.
*This was one of the preliminary comments too.  The question of who the "hundreds of people each year" refer to.  Your thought at the time was it referred to births.
:*Yea, this needs some rewording.  "We mustn't forget the blood and deaths of the thousands who died so that a hundred of us may healthily welcome their first year." Might need some rewording at the second part though. Supposed to mean 'so they can healthily live past the age of one' (Assuming high rate of mortality before then) 

Those who try to take it off or break it regardless of Orba’s will die by his hands.”
*Suggested revision: break it will die by Orba’s hands irrespective/regardless of his will.”
:*CaM.

other players had shown her hostility at the airship race
*Suggesting 'racers' or 'participants' in place of 'players'.
:*Changed to players.
::*not changed?
::*Um, lol <.<. Meant participants *cough*.