Editing Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter6 (section)

===Part 3===

Night welcomed the final day of the festival.
*This sentence was a little strange (night welcoming day, its opposite).  Some revisions for what I understand the intent to be:
::-The morning twilight welcomed the final day of the festival.
::-Night gave way to the final day of the festival.
::*Errr don't think either properly reflects the meaning. It's just supposed to be a fancy way of saying "It became nighttime on the final day of the festival" (implying the sun fully set).
:::*Ah, I didn't understand properly.  I think the current wording invites that misconception a little by implying the "Night" was followed by "the final day".  A little rewording to resolve that would be "Night was welcomed to the final day of the festival."  I feel like there's probably a better revision/rewording, but I'm not thinking of one.
:::*Here are two options I just thought of: 'Night dawned on...' to 'Night approached...' 
::::*I think I like "Night dawned on..."

He had come to look at the place where history had changed.
*I had a similar remark in the preliminary comments, so you may already have resolved this, but I expected this to be "where history would be changed."  Otherwise it seems to reference some past event, but I wasn't sure what the past was.
:*Yep...my bad. CaM.

and then fired all sorts of commands at the imperial guards gathered within the stadium.  //  Of particular importance amongst them, were the airships belonging to his unit. 
*Second sentence, if I understand correctly, "them" refers to the commands and I would suggest the revision "Of particular importance amongst them were those regarding the airships..."
:*CaM.

Fires would sprout, smoke would soar,
*Nothing wrong with it, but I might be more likely to use "smoke would rise".
:*CaM.

In such a situation, it might be better to view the slaves as allies. He didn’t want to poorly diminish the might of his forces, but the complete emancipation of all slaves was an altogether different story.
*For the first sentence, I was guessing the intent was to make the distinctions between "allies" (temporary) and "comrades" (sharing the same goal).  To make that clearer I'd suggest revision to "slaves as only allies" or "slaves only as temporary allies."
*For the second sentence, I wasn't sure exactly what was being said.  Is it that alienating the slaves would diminish his forces (but he doesn't want to free them)?  If that's correct then it's probably mostly fine as is. Though, I think "poorly" is redundant with "diminish" and could be removed.
:*Revised to: "Thinking about the situation then, it would be better to leave the slaves as allies. He didn't want to diminish the might of his forces, but if it came to the complete emancipation of all slaves, then that was an altogether different story. 

It was not a situation he wished to befall a country he ought to rule over.
*I would have guessed it was "he sought to rule," but it could be "ought." So just checking.
:*It's ought. 

''It might not be hurt were Princess Vileena to lose her life in the midst of the confusion.''
*"It might not be so bad were..." revision?
:*CaM.

''That should return Noue my favour.
*I don't think the current wording is quite correct, but I didn't come up with anything that I liked perfectly, so multiple possible revisions (I like the last two best):
::-That should return Noue's favour.
::-That should pay back Noue's favour.
::-That should pay back my debt to Noue.
::-That should return the favour from Noue.
:*Yea...this is a hard one. I'll go with the first.

If the fight is drawn out even a little, Orba would run out of stamina and be at an overwhelming disadvantage.
*You reverted the edit of "fight is" to "fight was."  The reason I made that edit is because it feels like 'was' and 'would' are paired for this style of conditional; I feel like 'is' should be paired with 'will'.  So to me, changing to "Orba will run out" would be an alternate way to fix what I was trying to in my original edit.  Not saying that I'm necessarily right, but that was my thinking when I made the edit.
:*'Would' has it's fair share of uses, however, it doesn't necessarily require the a verb in past-tense form to accomodate it. 'Would' can also be used in present tense to denote a slightly less certain notion than 'will' would imply. The reason I use 'would' here is because these guys are just spectators, who've seen Orba fight...only a few times. They don't know him that well and can't say it with complete certainty as Gowen possibly could. Thus, the minor differentiation between 'will' and 'would'.
::*On further thinking, I agree with you here.  Here, the fact that it's describing an if-then that's expected not to happen makes it easier for me to see it.  Though I'm probably still being to rigid in my thinking on other cases, I'll have to try to look into it more...

Those able to enter the grandstand reserved for imperials and nobles were limited only to the guards of the Solon garrison, the Imperial Guards, and the slaves who saw to their noble.
*This seems pretty minor, but I'd swap only/to to make it "limited to only the guards..."  I feel like the two have slightly different meanings, but it could be my imagination.
:*CaM.

Pashir, catching his breath, creeped open the door.
*Suggesting "cracked open the door."  Or "slowly/carefully/quietly/etc cracked open the door."
:*Woops, right, creep has a slightly different nuance. Changed to cracked.

He threw a fit and was just as well about to go capture Gil himself, that Simon and Fedom had to step in to stop him, when the gates finally opened.
*The structure here is a little convoluted, and I think some parts don't match well. My attempt at a revision is (there may be better ones):
::-He threw a fit, but just as Simon and Fedom were stepping in to stop him from going to capture Gil himself, the gates finally opened.
:*CaM.

Orba, who should have been leading them, was not present amongst the gladiators. On the contrary, the one found centre amongst the sword-slaves who came out was—
*Second sentence, rather than "on the contrary," I thought "In his place" might fit better.
:*CaM.

Furthermore, several black fumes began to rise from the gates below from the detention camp’s direction.
*I'm not sure that "fumes" fits perfectly there.  I might try to replace it with "billows" or "billows/trails of smoke".
:*Changed to 'trails of smoke'

In screams loud enough to warrant covering your ears, rows of people split off to all directions in unrest.
*A possible simplification/revision (because that description is a little long): Among ear-splitting screams, rows of people...
:*CaM.

When the airships arrived and the armed palace guards tried to surround them, they would point the sword behind the prince’s neck and stop in their tracks.
*The end of the sentence, is it the guards or the slaves who stop in their tracks?  I was expecting it to be the guards, in which case I suggest the revision "prince’s neck to stop the guards in their tracks."
:*guards, so CaM.

Without concealing his surprise, Simon called out vainlessly.
*"Vainlessly" appears not to be a word that's included in the dictionary, even though it does have some use (based on google hits) and is something people would understand.  If you wanted to replace it with a more official word choice, you could use "in vain."
:*I support use of words not found in dictionaries! >.<

As she looked up at the sky, for an instant, her eyes reflected the colour of flames and her breath was taken away.
*Suggesting "As Vileena looked up at the sky" because this sentence and following paragraph use "she" without introducing the subject (until two paragraphs down).
:*CaM.