Talk:Toradora!:Volume4 Chapter3: Difference between revisions

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Trabius (talk | contribs)
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Akirasav (talk | contribs)
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"In an acrobatic display of leaping and latching onto one of Ryuuji’s arms, Taiga had landed a crab scissors move somewhere between his waist and thigh with her bare feet and climbed onto him."
[Hahaha, who could have guessed you girls would be here too]…Laughing like that, this guy who's the class representative/student council vice-president/softball club captain, just what is he trying to conceal…No wait, he’s actually not concealing enough.


I realize that you're trying to connect 'acrobatic display' with the actions of leaping and latching, but it comes off as an awkward sentence. Suggestion:
This section doesn't seem to conform to the standards we've been using. Not sure what the brackets are, and the rest of it sounds like someone's inner thoughts (Ryuuji I assume).
 
In an acrobatic display, Taiga leaped up and latched onto one of Ryuuji’s arms, landing a crab-scissors move somewhere between his waist and thigh with her bare feet while climbing onto him.


--[[User:Akirasav|Akirasav]] 14:20, 9 October 2008 (PDT)
--[[User:Akirasav|Akirasav]] 14:20, 9 October 2008 (PDT)
One thing I would change is the tense, as in "had leaped", because I'm pretty sure the line before it was Ryuuji's reaction simultaneous to the event while this line is a description immediately after the fact. 
I was trying to connect 'acrobatic' to the rest of the sentence since the the whole thing is supposed to be 'an acrobatic feat'.  'Performed an acrobatic feat'　or something like that was actually the main predicate, but I shifted it hoping it would sound better.  In any case, I don't really have a problem with what you have written. 
I think I misread some parts, so I'll go ahead and put in this sentence while I'm checking.
[[User:Trabius|Trabius]] 12:30, 10 October 2008 (PDT)

Revision as of 21:52, 14 October 2008

[Hahaha, who could have guessed you girls would be here too]…Laughing like that, this guy who's the class representative/student council vice-president/softball club captain, just what is he trying to conceal…No wait, he’s actually not concealing enough.

This section doesn't seem to conform to the standards we've been using. Not sure what the brackets are, and the rest of it sounds like someone's inner thoughts (Ryuuji I assume).

--Akirasav 14:20, 9 October 2008 (PDT)

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