Volume 6: Epilogue

It was a long tale—

This is the end of my recollections.

There might have been several things I might have forgotten to talk about, but at any rate, I tried to remember as much as I could in sequence, but—as expected, I end up thinking that it might have all been a dream.

The countless stories of wandering around the depths of the world beyond that began since encountering her—A world that shouldn’t be seen.

“There are some things that are better not to know if you don't have to know them.”

I was told that by a lot of people in the past. The story revolving the young girl known as ‘Miko Hanamura’, might have also been similar to that, but…in the end, I ended up knowing all of it. And, if you were to ask me if I regretted it, I would say no. She did her best to live at any moment, and I, who was close enough to catch her breath, was the same. Those countless strange, grotesque and hopeless adventures, even if you were to call them a taboo, the days in which I took them on, were even now—merely nostalgic.

The occult.

The realm of the inexplicable that’s called a pseudoscience, and is mostly lies, delusions or misunderstandings. The world that would at times, fill you with romance, and at times strike you down to the depths of fear.

I would probably never step foot into its threshold ever again. Ah, it’s not because I’m afraid. And it’s also not because I no longer feel fear. It’s just—at the moment when this world and the world beyond intersect, when heaven and earth flip upside down, I will surely feel an overwhelming sense of loss at the absence of her whisper that was like a ringing bell.

Three months had already gone by—

Since the collapse of that mansion, and since Miko Hanamura’s funeral.

The contents of the plastic tea bottle placed on the window danced to match the swaying of the train.

I gazed beyond the tea that glittered in the sunlight, towards the Pacific Ocean that dazzled even brighter in the sunlight—

“Just a little further to Fujieda.”

I addressed the backpack placed on my knee, and then shifted my eyes once more to the scenery flowing outside the window.

I was now headed to my hometown of Fujieda by myself for summer vacation. My father, whom I had not seen for quite some time, had threatened to cut off the parent-child relationship if I did not return this summer, and for some reason, that miserly former delinquent of an older sister bore the full costs of my trip back to Fujieda, so as expected, I couldn’t help but go back.

But, for me, going back to my parents’ home was always a secondary thing, and my main purpose was something else.

『Are you going to do that no matter what?』

A few days ago, during lunch break—

Krishna-san asked me in the Beatnik Research Society Room in the western club building of the Koumei Institute.

『Yes. I’ve already made up my mind.』

I nodded, and Krishna-san merely hung her head in response, “I see.”

She then walked towards the bookshelf and turned around in front of the neatly arranged collection.

『Say, Nagi-kun. Do you know the origin of the word ‘Demon’?』

『…Origin?』

‘No’, I shook my head, and Krishna-san began to narrate.

『I learned from my research on the Scholomance university of magic that the original word for ‘demon’ apparently comes from the Greek verb for ‘abuse’. In other words, when people looked down on other people, the existence known as ‘demons’ must have been born into this world. It wasn’t that there was an existence somewhere that transcended humanity… nor was it something born to worship God or as an antithesis to God. What I’ve recently come to think… is that they might just have been born purely from within humans.』

『Could that possibly be—?』

I asked.

『The case with the ‘everlasting night stone’?』

In response, Krishna-san tightly pursed her lips, and gave a slight nod thereafter.

『There is nothing in the laws of human thought that goes beyond the principles of life preservation.』

『…Eh?』

『I am not Dr. Freud, but in cases of split personalities, the first personality that manifests: the ‘Id’, is generally held to be a savagely aggressive and an exclusionary personality. The Id is more likely to emerge the more oppressive the environment one finds themselves in, and once it manifests, the Id always unconsciously rejects others— I once wondered if it might be a pure manifestation of life preservation, originally a personality-less ‘superego’. Well, Dr. Jung's theory of the collective unconscious -- in short, the collective consciousness of an ethnic or religious group that transcends the individual - explains areas that cannot be explained by that theory alone, but when I found about the existence of the ‘everlasting night stone’, I began to feel that the two did not contradict each other. So, returning to my original point… As long as people do not cease abusing other people, then surely, there will always be a possibility that ‘demons’ will be born.』

I couldn’t understand.

But, if Krishna-san’s theory was correct—

Then it meant that as long as people existed, that there would be no salvation?

『Ummm…no, of course, the living are far stronger than the dead.』

Krishna-san raised the tone of her voice to brighten the darkening club room.

『There are countless people who live their lives honestly and sincerely every day, without aiming to become saints or religious people. Which way the future of humanity will turn out depends on those of us living in the present.』

『Yes —you’re right.』

I smiled.

As if induced by my smile, Krishna-san too broke into a smile—

After that she folded her arms behind her back, and closed her eyes if reflecting on that smile.

At that moment—

It felt as if the lights in the clubroom dimmed for an instant, and I looked up at the ceiling. The fluorescent light bulb of the clubroom was working properly, and there seemed to be nothing wrong, so I returned my gaze and saw—

『In summary, aren’t humans themselves the ‘demons’?』

There stood Ayana Takamura.

『…Is what Kurimoto-kun probably wanted to say. You seemed to have noticed it as well.』

Before I’d realized, Ayana Takamura was wearing Krishna-san’s summer checked shirt, but her face, height, and body was her own, and she had a complacent smile on her face.

I merely nodded. I listened carefully to the words that came from her red mouth without being perturbed as to what was happening and without asking for an explanation.

『Have you heard ever of the ‘Qumran sect’? They have an interesting contradiction in that they believe that Jesus Christ himself was not a Christian, but a Jew, among other things, they also believe that he was a part of the Jewish Essenes—in short, it is a doctrine that believes he was a part of the ‘Qumran sect’. Their teachings are quite unusual. In that Book of Genesis, it is written, ‘In the beginning there was darkness’ which is the opposite of countless religions. Then, God created light. If darkness was the origin, and chaos was the beginning of this world, doesn't that mean that God is in no way an ally of humanity, nor a guide, but exists to weed out the ‘demons’ of man? If that’s the case, then you can understand why Jesus died on the cross as a symbol of humanity, and why natural disasters have not disappeared from the world.』

Takamura immediately sat directly on top of the work desk, and happily crossed her long legs.

I gazed at her—and after a while, I asked.

『Did you, understand everything?』

『By everything, you mean?』

『The current situation, all of it.』

Ayana Takamura let out a giggle, and she spoke with a smile, ‘Well yeah’.

『Do you plan on becoming a bigger monster than the ‘everlasting night stone’?』

When I asked her that, Takamura’s large eyes widened, and she looked at me in exasperation.

『Monster? Ha—do you think I would aim for something so small time?』

『…Small time?』

『That thing was never an ancient thing to begin with, Nagito Yamada. It was something that merely professed to be ancient—a ghost that must have been born somewhere in the closing years of the Taishō era at best. In every age, the smaller they are, the larger they will try to portray themselves as. But you see, ghosts merge with other ghosts. And in the end, they turn into something so large that they become unable to remember who they originally were. Darkness, abyss, chaos—it was certainly something that could no longer be called a person when it merged with them. It was merely something that called itself that delusional memory of the past. In that sense—that child was at a much higher level. To think that she made me devour that strange thing.』

Thereafter, Takamura narrowed her eyes nostalgically.

『Yoishi Mitsurugi a.k.a Miko Hanamura must have taken a gamble. Perhaps she had a plan in mind when she once declared that I would devour your fears. She would draw the ‘everlasting night stone’ to the limits of her heart and your heart, and the moment it was convinced of victory, she would turn the tables. She showed it something it itself did not understand, put fear in it, and made me devour it---a truly terrifying child.』

Takamura smiled happily, as if boasting about a lost friend.

『But you see Nagito Yamada. It was not something that child could have done had she not truly believed in you. That person won’t betray me to a fearsome degree- was it? Fufufu, I saw all of it. Those words, which you might not receive even if you were to live for thousands of years, there are truly no higher words of praise, right?』

Yeah, I nodded, and at the same time—

The tears that gathered in my eyes were about to spill, but I somehow managed to endure it.

Did she try not to look at me while I was that way?

『But—‘incarnation’, was it?』

Takamura spoke as she chuckled.

『I’m not one to speak having tried it once in the past—but, I can’t say I didn’t understand how it felt. It longed for ‘death’. You humans are nothing but afraid of your limited lives, but to something that walked in everlasting darkness, it is a word filled with endless comfort.』

『To die?』

『Ahh, that’s right. Well, to all of you who are trying your best to live now, that might be something difficult to comprehend.』

Takamura, looked up as if seeing through the ceiling, the sky above it—no, even higher, into space.

『The structure of this vast cosmos you see, is far more profound than you all believe, and frighteningly simple. In all probability, the first ones who will realize the truth behind that structure will not be physicists or mathematicians, but humans who are called imprudent phenomenologists. There lies the potential of humanity. That is what I felt when I met that child.』

I had no idea what she meant.

I didn’t understand, but—it was as if it was fine that I didn’t understand. The moment you to try and unravel the mysteries of this world, something would end up shifting slightly out of place. It felt if I were to continue my thoughts in the direction of that deviation, then the world would branch off at that moment. It was probably a world of multidimensions and parallel universes—My thoughts wouldn’t be able to keep up with that, they would get punctured to begin with.

『Now then.』

Thereupon, Takamura leapt off the work desk and stood on the ground.

『Let’s finish things there. Since I’ve been forbidden from following you around. I keep my promises.』

And after saying that,

『It’s been fun, Nagito Yamada.』

And she held out her long white fingers towards me.

After thinking it through—I shook my head, and declined to shake her hand.

『Don’t want to get along--? Fufufu, that’s just like you.』

The moment her red lips opened in a grin, and I felt I was being swallowed by that mouth—

I suddenly came back to my senses.   『…Say, are you listening to me, Nagi-kun?』

There stood Krishna-san, with her smooth bobbed hair, and she held her finger pointed towards me.

『Eh………Aah…..yes, of course.』

I didn’t immediately grasp hold of the situation, but--

Nevertheless, I was in the clubroom. Takamura’s presence was nowhere to be found.

『In short, humans are all driven by monsters in our unconscious.』

I nodded for the time being, as I wondered what she was talking about.

『Looking at this letter I received, Takita-san probably foresaw that he wouldn’t return alive. He had written in detail about the bitter trials experienced by Miko Hanamura over the past eleven years, but that’s fine. Read it later if you feel like it. It’s also a letter of apology. He truly apologizes for that day in the mansion, for being prepared to do the worst possible thing: using our bodies to make the ‘everlasting night stone’ feel the concept of death, but—Hm? But if we had died, then we wouldn’t have received it, right?』

『Ah, sure.』

I suddenly became nostalgic upon remembering the face of that that careless, aloof man.

『He is truly, loose in the head somewhere.』

I unintentionally ended up referring to him in the present tense, maybe because Sako still lived inside me.

Krishna-san too smiled seeming somewhat lonely, and, continued as if a bit perplexed.

『But you know, here’s what I don’t quite understand. The reason why he concluded the letter with this…Well, okay, I’ll read it from there anyway so listen.』

--*Cough*, Krishna-san cleared her throat once, and began to read aloud.

『’To not lose, is to fight. There is no contest without it. If you fight, you will not lose. You will never win. Humans can never win. They just don’t lose.’ ….Wait, I think… I know this from somewhere.』

…….Hm?

I thought I heard it somewhere before as well.

『Sorry, it goes on. ‘Don't even think about winning. There’s no chance you will win. Who, or what are you trying to win against?’ – Ah, I remember! Isn’t this Ango?!』

Krishna-san suddenly yelled as if a weight were lifted off her shoulders.

『--Ango?』

『That’s right, It’s a passage from Sakaguchi Ango’s 『The delinquent boy and Christ』.』

Sakaguchi Ango—ahh, now I remember. If I recall correctly, he was Sako’s favorite author in his high school days—and, the words at the end Krishna-san read just now were also his last words.

『Krishna-san, that… was something Sako muttered in the mansion.』

I talked about the last moments of his life,

『Only the part at the end--? Ahh…I see.』

Krishna-san spoke after biting her lips once.

『Maybe he was trying to anger you.』

…Eh?

『Back then, if your heart were to collapse, and Miko Hanamura’s heart were to collapse, then the ‘everlasting night stone’ would have won. He played the part of the clown on purpose in order to encourage your spirit. If you were to think that he shamefully ‘ran away’, you would get angry. You, the simpleton would be outraged, thinking that you were not like him, and that alone would prevent the ‘everlasting night stone’ from interfering—That’s what he might have thought.』

『…That’s.』

Back then, I had no time to be angry or sad.

I was merely flailing around in a miserable state of confusion over Sako’s death.

『Nagi-kun, you might not believe it, but Takita-san really thought highly of you.』

Krishna-san spoke as if appealing to the depths of my eyes.

『Humans are weak—extraordinarily weak. That was Takita-san’s pet theory, but that was the reason why he liked Ango so much. In the ‘Discourse on decadence’, it is written as such if I remember correctly: – ‘Humans will always fall, but they will never be able to fall completely. It is because humans are not strong enough to fall completely.’ Your tendency to be attentive to other people’s hearts to a foolish degree was highly appreciated by Takita-san. I think he believed that this quality, which worried me so much, was the only thing that could save those who were falling. Even though you can never win, you never lose—he saw the true nature of a struggling human being within you.』

『…I』

Thereupon, I managed to put it into words at last.

『Despite that, I—let Miko die.』

Anger had been smoldering deep in my heart since that incident. Anger at myself that was so intense that when I started to think about it, it drove me crazy and burned my stomach. Anger at my own incompetence. It made me raise my head once more— only to hang it back down and clench my teeth.

『Nagi-kun.』

Thereupon, Krishna-san spoke.   『I believe you might be mistaken, that is why I explained this story.』

『…Eh?』

『I want you to calm yourself and listen to me. Miko Hanamura, died eleven years ago.』

『…….』

『The moment she became Yoishi Mitsurugi, Miko Hanamura had already died.』

『…..No…..but……』

『She had already been deprived of the people precious to her, and was made to believe she was born cursed—her spirit had died. Her body lived on, but from that day on, she merely lived as if she were dead. Even so, the only reason she remained in this world was to seal the ‘everlasting night stone’ in her body so that it would not spread any further. Just thinking about how painful and lonely that path must have been is enough to clog up your chest—but, even so, there was still one hope for such a girl. In the hellish days eleven years ago, there was only one thing that continued to snuggle close to her: a stuffed frog—the soul that resided within it. In Takito-san’s letter, he said that it might have been you, but…. I don’t know. I don’t know how such a thing would even be possible, and no matter how far one goes, one could never know. It’s just that-- 』

Thereupon, Krishna-san grasped my arm with her soft hands, and declared while massaging it.

『There’s one thing I can say with certainty. It’s that if the thing that existed inside the stuffed eleven years ago—and you, in the present, had abandoned her even once, the ‘everlasting night stone’ would have incarnated itself in this world.』

『……….』

『This photograph you brought back from that mansion.』

Krishna-san picked up the polaroid photograph of Miko Hanamura in the past that was placed on the work desk.

『I’ve seen a lot of ghost photography up until now, but I’ve never seen once that gives me so much courage. You who are projected on the edge—It’s not desire, reward, or narcissism that can make a face like this. It’s a face that can only be made by someone with a sense of duty, a face that says that you were born for that very reason.』

Finally, the tear glands of Krishna-san burst open.

As large tear drops flowed down her soggy face, she desperately continued to speak without even trying to wipe them away.

『I was always afraid of you getting involved with Yoishi. I always thought that Yoishi Mitsurugi’s darkness was too huge for anyone to face. But, you were different. The inclination in you was growing, and even though the paranormal events kept increasing in purity, you somehow continued to associate with Yoishi. I thought it wasn’t good for you—but it felt as if two souls that had split apart had a chance encounter once more, cuddling close to each other. I lost track of many things, and that was my hesitation, and because of that hesitation, I was taken advantage of—but, now that it’s all over, I am convinced that my premonition was correct. Miko Hanamura had died once and transformed into a living dead person named Yoishi Mitsurugi who wandered this world. But having met you, having regained the name of Miko Hanamura, wasn’t she finally able to rest at peace? Didn’t she see that life, and that humans, weren’t so bad? You never betrayed Yoishi Mitsurugi. You never ran away. That’s why, you don’t need to blame yourself. No more…』

Having desperately expressed herself that far,

『There was nothing more you could have done.』

Krishna-san finished speaking, and covered her face with both hands as she broke down in tears.

I was—

Merely repeating the words Krishna-san had said in my foggy head.

I certainly wavered in the face of two choices at that time. If ‘Yoishi Mitsurugi’ were to stay as she were, we could stay together. But I felt that if I returned her to ‘Miko Hanamura’, she would disappear. I didn’t know which was right. But I indeed ended up making the choice that kept her smiling. And, the words Krishna-san was trying so hard tried to tell me was -- The wind that blows through your chest is making you lonely, and you’re sad that you lost her, but isn’t it alright since you made her happy—? I finally understood what she was trying to tell me.

And as I looked at the petite, former occult site manager who was crying like a child in front of me—

The words she had said just now, 『There was nothing more you could have done.』, felt similar to the words Takamura spoke, 『There are truly no higher, words of praise, right?』. At the same time, I finally realized after all this time where Krishna-san got her boyish way of speaking from.

--Ayana Takamura is still alive and well in this person.

At the same time, I felt something cold go down my spine.

Takamura’s ‘vessel’ which ‘Yoishi’ once spoke of.

Could it be that it wasn’t ‘Takako Takamura’ she was speaking of—

『………….』

Thereupon, I shook my head.

No—that’s not it. Under the rubble, Miko imparted it to me.

「Ghosts, yōkai, monsters and everything else simply existed. They simply existed—but the moment humans feared them, they might have turned into monsters.」

If I were to explain that conversation in medical terms, it must have been an auditory hallucination in my half-conscious state, but even so, they were precious words given to me by Miko.

All things circle around. They circle around, and are simply there.

Even Takamura, Krishna-san and Sako.

Yes— everyone, including me, is simply part of that flow.

『--That’s right, Miko.』

『……Eh?』

I ended up muttering unintentionally, and Krishna-san turned to me with a face messed up with tears and snot.

I handed her the box of tissues that was there, and smiled, “It’s nothing.”

『By the way, Krishna-san.』

『….Hm?』

She took a deep sniff, as the former occult site manager looked up at me.

『When are you coming back as an occult site manager? Everyone is waiting, you know.』

『………』

『The living—are far stronger-- right?』

Krishna-san glared at me annoyed, and spoke.

『When it feels that way, that’s when. I need to be ready.』

I was satisfied with her answer.

『Nagi-kun.』

It was Krishna-san’s turn to ask me as I put my backpack on my shoulder.

『You’ll come back… won’t you?』

Those words stabbed my chest.

Come back—where?

Where was I supposed to come back to….?

I was suddenly enveloped with a feeling of loneliness as if I didn’t know where I was, but—

However, I deliberately smiled, and spoke, 『Of course.』

『Alright—okay. I’ll be waiting.』

Krishna-san smiled happily like a child.

 ◯

Once I arrived in Fujieda, I proceeded to my house, greeted my father and elder sister, was mobbed by the people in the neighborhood who had taken care of me since I was a child, shook off my friends who had begun to crowd around me, and got on the bus.

It wasn’t that far. The mountain was around fifteen minutes to the north.

It was a small mountain about a hundred meters above sea level that had long been known and loved by the people of Fujieda as Mount Eboshi.

I had promised Miko when she was still Yoishi that I would show it to her one day.

The sun was hotter than usual this year. As soon as I got off the bus, I walked under a myriad of trees. As a cool breeze blew down from the foot of the mountain, I pushed my way into the entrance of the mountain. I continued to climb up the narrow game trail that was around less than a meter wide as I wiped the sweat off my face.

I didn't look back on the way up. To really enjoy it you needed to see it when you reached the summit—I replenished myself with the plastic bottle at times as I continued to climb. I used to come here when I was a kid quite often and had always underestimated it, but visiting it now, I found it to be quite steep. I put my feet on the roots of the trees peeking out from the soil, and made my way steadily up the slope, step by step.

And, in less than twenty minutes—I finally reached the summit.

I lowered my backpack, and took out a small cremation urn and that stuffed frog. It was one part of the cremated ashes I had received of Miko Hanamura, and her precious ‘friend’.

“Look, see? This is Mount Eboshi. Amazing, isn’t it?”

I somehow managed to wring out my voice, and swung around at once.

It was—a scene far more spectacular than the one in my memory.

Mount Fuji soared over at the eastern side, and Fujieda city looked small in the bird’s-eye view down below. Beyond that, the ocean spread out, and the curve of the hazy Suruga Bay covered everything in a haze. On the horizon, gigantic columns of clouds billowed. To the trained eye, it might have been seen as nothing more than an insignificant little mountain in the sticks. But it had everything. The sky, the sea, the greenery, Mt. Fuji, and the city— all of these elements were indispensable to each other, miraculously forming a single landscape.

“My mother taught me about this place. Whenever I come here, I feel that everyone is not alone.”

Saying that, I placed the funerary urn gently on the ground, and propped the stuffed frog next to it.

And, I too, sat down next to them.

I thought I would talk about a lot of things with Miko here, but— nothing came out.

The view was far more eloquent than my boring speeches. I felt like Miko was telling me countless precious things that were unspoken.

“It’s nice to be under the sun, isn’t it?”

Despite that, I still tried to speak to her at times.

“Somehow, I feel like I only ever went to dark places with you, huh?”

The wind blew through me, but no answer came.

It was only in times like this that I thought I knew what I would say to Miko.

But, strangely enough, nothing came out. Telling her I missed her would be uncool, apologizing felt wrong as well, and thanking her felt a little out of place as well. There were just… too many different kinds of emotions that came pouring out, and I couldn't translate them into words.

I merely stayed silent—and before I knew it, an hour had passed.

Although it was still hot, the strength of the sunlight had diminished.

I got up and pulled out a small shovel from the bottom of the backpack. I then thrust it at the base of a large camphor tree that my mother loved so dearly. I dug a hole as deep as I could there so as to not damage the roots. When my surroundings began to turn orange, I managed to dig a hole around a meter deep, and I softly placed the funerary urn and the stuffed frog in it. I thought I should say something, but I could not. All I could do was hold back the tears that were threatening to overflow the best I could.

After I carefully finished covering the hole with soil, I poured the remaining water from the plastic bottle on it.

I then closed my eyes, and clasped my hands toward the trunk of the camphor tree.

Countless memories drew themselves in the back of my eyelids. I engraved them all with none to spare into my chest, and simply declared as if to escape, “I’ll be back”, and took a few steps down the path—

That wind blew through me.

You are strong.

I picked up a nostalgic voice in the wind, stopping my breath, stopping my feet.

I understand.

The reason you came here.

How much your mother must have loved you.

Nagito(凪人) means

A person who is calm at all times.

A person who can treat everyone equally.

That was the name she wished for you.

The wind blows across me.

Under my feet, towards the sky, scattering the voice as it continues to rise.

To bear a child.

Was to live life anew.

Your mother lived once more through your eyes.

I wondered if it was alright to keep on living.

I wondered if it was alright that I had been born.

It was a question I kept asking myself.

And yet.

I was named Miko.

It was a name I was christened with.

You helped me find the meaning of that.

The moment I met Mr. Frog.

I felt relieved somehow.

I only thought that invisible things were simply something to be afraid of.

If you hadn't been the first ghost I saw.

I’m sure I would have given up on everything much sooner.

Even if I were to suddenly throw up.

Even if I didn’t take a bath.

You always tried to see the shape of my heart.

That was not easy.

Not something anyone could do.

To bear children.

And to pour your love into them.

Was a truly a wonderful thing.

「Thank you.」

Now.

At this moment where my existence fades away.

That's all I can think to say.

The words I wanted to say for a long long time

The words I should have said far sooner.

I loved you.

That’s why, from now on.

Like your mother.

I’ll become a being that prays for your happiness.

I was at the end of my patience.

I was about to turn around, about to answer that voice, when—

「It’s ‘forbidden’ to look.」

A shiver ran down my spine, as a nostalgic whisper reached my ears.

You shouldn’t involve yourself in the world beyond any further.

However, I turned around.

I had no regrets.

Even if the chapter of my life were to close here--- even if the darkness of the world beyond were to spread before my eyes once more.

I silently turned my body around, and faced the owner of that voice.

In an instant, her face, like a weeping smile, fills my retinas.

The wind swept through me.

A magnificent blue peeked through the rift between the golden clouds.

You.

Really are.

With those words as her last--

She melted away into the blue sky on the other side.

Goodbye, Thank you.

The next time we meet --- will be in the world beyond.

And, when I join hands with her, I will tell all of you.

With everything I have in my heart, I will say it to you.

---

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