Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume1 Chapter4

Splendid work! - Tasear

Just for reference: for edits like these, do you still want me to post in here to notify you, or just go ahead on my own? "Despite the council having become a more nominal existence due to strengthening the Imperial household’s authority", it should be "Despite the council having become a more nominal existence due to the strengthening of the Imperial household's authority." - Kiydon

• No, these kinds of edits are fine by me. Basically if a sentence or word isn't necessarily wrong, but seems 'off' in English, or if you simply don't understand what a sentence is trying to say, post it here (or notify me however you like) so that I can review it with the original Japanese. Grammatical errors, spelling mistakes, conjugation, or me 'skipping' certain words like 'the' or 'a' are my fault, and you can edit them without consulting me first. Besides, I'll notice these edits anyway because I've got these pages on my watchlist, and if I don't agree I'll change it back (I'll try to explain why though). --Dohma (talk) 06:39, 15 May 2013 (CDT)

About "Just because he was bought by a noble, it does the repayment of favour about the last battle, it was as good as to come make an offer to myself." I suggest changing it to "Just because he was bought by a noble, he should repay my favor with this last battle, I had suggested to myself." It seems closer to what is said in the raw,「いくら貴族に買われたからと言って、恩返しに最後の一戦くらいはやります、と自分から申し出てきてもいいくらいだ。」, as far as I understand it. --Kiydon

• I had made a mental note about it myself, it was too much of a direct translations, but I forgot about it. Also didn't quite understand that last clause at first. Changed it.

And "Let’s consider how to raise the pairings in some way,", in this context, shouldn't (盛り上がるような組み合わせ) be taken to mean "Form rousing or exciting pairings"? As it is, it doesn't make much sense. --Kiydon

• You're right. Changed to "Let's consider making some exciting pairings."

"Being tasked as a body double was fine, but he couldn’t talk unless Fedom whispered it to him like ventriloquism." A couple issues with this sentence; "it" should be replaced with either "words" or something like that, or just removed, since there is no proper antecedent for it. Also, there should be a comma before "like ventriloquism, as it represents another thought separate from the part before. So, it should read "Being tasked as a body double was fine, but he couldn’t talk unless Fedom whispered words to him, like ventriloquism." --Kiydon

"These nobles had snatched away his brother to become a soldier." Probably add "force him to" before "become". --Kiydon

Here's a bunch of suggestions.

In "...but nobody else but one of those a Mephian nobles" should be changed to "...but none other than one of those Mephian nobles".

In "...it might be they knew something about his brother Roan’s whereabouts", perhaps change it to "...they might know something about his brother Roan's whereabouts", as though the current sentence is correct, the context places more emphasis on the soldiers.

In "What… a lie?" A suggest would be to change it to "What...is a lie?", since in the raw it says （何が、嘘、だ).

In "Although the movements of the gladiators were somewhat awkward, perhaps it was because of the more subdued environment up until the end of the first round, namely, until the loser was turned into a sprawled corpse on the ground.", "although" should be removed, as it isn't a subordinating clause. Also, in the raw, 「慣れない環境のせいか、剣闘士たちの動きはどことなくぎこちなかったものの、それも最初の一戦目が終わるまで、すなわち敗者が屍となって大地に横たわるときまでだった。」 , the unfamiliarity of the environment is also mentioned.

"In Garbera and Ende, with restrictions on slave companies expressly going for the entertainment industry, there wasn’t an opportunity to see a gladiator fight." "Going for" is used incorrectly, as it implies that the slave companies will (in the future) go into the entertainment industry; rather, it should be replaced with "in".

"During that staggering time, a dense cloud of dust swelled up on the other side of the arena." "Staggering time" sounds really awkward here; I know that in the raw it says よろめいたその間, so I'm not sure what suggestions that I can make other than that it sounds awkward.

”The moment he removed his aim”, about this part, 狙いの外したその瞬間, its rather hard to translate. Perhaps the soldier stopped aiming at the dragon?

Sorry about that mountain of suggestions! Really nice translation as normal, keep up the great work! Also, my bad on the changing the "wilfully" part (both the first and the second time), didn't know that the British English had a different version, and don't know what happened the second time (I think I had the page open before you edited it, and didn't save until afterwards). --Kiydon.

Notes on Terms

Chapter 4's coming along, but I've stumbled on a few issues.

Mephian

Unlike Garbera -> Garberan, I've just kept the genitive case of Mephius the same (Mephius's border / ... of Mephius), but it's getting troublesome. So I've decided to use the term "Mephian" from now on. I considered using Mephii or Mephese, but Mephian seemed best; unless someone feels strongly compelled to use another term...

Ryuujin

Dragon God (竜神) and Dragon People (竜人) are both pronounced as Ryuujin. Until now I've kept 'dragon people' as Ryuujin and translated Dragon God; and now I also need to check the latter because it seems to be plural (there's more than one dragon god). However, new terms start popping up like 竜神信仰 'Dragon God Faith' that complicate matters, because I think Ryuujin Faith sounds better. So the terms might get mixed up a bit; but I guess this is mainly a concern for future proofreaders and tranlators. I haven't yet figured out how to properly deal with this, but for now it doesn't seem to be a major problem.

Anyway, I plan on rechecking the entire volume once it's finished, so I'll probably get to it by then. --Dohma (talk) 13:03, 15 May 2013 (CDT)

For stuff like that, once you settle on how you want to translate it, it would be a good idea to create a terms page and put them there. --Bilagaana (talk) 13:33, 15 May 2013 (CDT)

• I'll do that then. I already started up terms page, so I'll try to put some order into it. --Dohma (talk) 07:43, 18 May 2013 (CDT)