On a Godless Planet:Volume3A Chapter 5
Chapter 5: Riddle Wired[edit]
–Yes, I am a clever AI.
So of course I can sulk.
●
Everyone watched Balancer speak in front of the dark, stormy sky and the glowing lava sea.
<I am glad you have finally accepted the truth.>
Balancer sighed and turned away from everyone.
<And I really thought you would be able to cool things after the flame dragons were threatened into behaving by the previous released manifestation. I didn’t expect the water extraction to create a greenhouse effect and reinvigorate them.>
Balancer paused for another sigh.
<It feels like you chose the most annoying route possible for this planet.>
●
“Wow, Balancer’s in one of Senpai-chan’s pain-in-the-ass moods.”
“I-I don’t complain like that!”
“Maybe not like that, but you do complain.”
“Anyway, what are we going to do about Balancer’s mood?”
“Dammit! If only that screen had boobs! Then I could leer at them as punishment!”
“Wait. What if they respond with reciprocal justice?”
“Is 90s Japanese law based on the Code of Hammurabi now?”
“I loooove reciprocal justice! Baaaack in my heyday, I responded to criiiiticism from my believers with a meeeeteor strike.”
“Your idea of reciprocal justice is awfully lax about setting an upper limit.”
“Ha ha! Anyway, what you need to do now is cheer Balancer up! And I know I always feel better when people compliment me!”
“When has anyone ever complimented you?”
●
Shifu raised a hand in the scrum everyone had formed.
“So, Senpai-chan, do you think you can compliment Balancer?”
“Eh? Yes, I can? ...But there’s a big problem there.”
“What’s that?”
“Well, um, I haven’t been paid many compliments, so I don’t know how to do it.”
“…”
“…Sorry.”
“No, no, no, no! Don’t apologize! You’ll only make it worse!”
“Wait, Douhai-san? What do you mean no one compliments you?”
“Ow, ow, ow, ow! Kido-san, these kinds of questions really hurt!”
“Eh!? People haven’t been complimenting you enough!? That means I haven’t been praising you enough! Okay! I will compliment your beauty, your big boobs, the roundness of your butt, the length of your legs, your big boobs, your amazing personality, and your big boobs! How long do you want this to be!?”
“Can you keep it down to only 50 characters?”
“Senpai! Your boobs and your everything are great!!”
“Including the spaces and the exclamation points, that was exactly 50 characters.”
“Wow, great job, Sumeragi-kun!?”
“I don’t deserve your praise! Anyway, say what I said to Balancer!”
“Calm down, both of you.”
“For one, Balancer doesn’t have boobs.”
“Eh? Oh, you’re right! Damn! What kind of AI doesn’t have big boobs!? How can you call yourself clever without those!?”
“Are you indirectly picking a fight with me?”
“Huh? Wow, you’re a belligerent god of knowledge! Why would I ever pick a fight with you!? You can’t even figure that much out? You dum-dum.”
“Now you’re directly picking a fight.”
The idiot and En-chan high-fived. At any rate, Shifu knew she couldn’t leave this to Senpai-chan. So…
“How about we all compliment Balancer?”
●
Balancer understood generally how this was going to go.
..They will try to cheer me up.
It did pain them as the AI who set all this up that the planet was reheating after the flame dragons had finally calmed down.
There was nothing they could do since they weren’t supposed to interfere, but this still meant they had failed in guiding this group.
So they needed to view this as a trial for them all.
But the gods appeared concerned about Balancer.
That was unusual. Because…
…They are outside my control.
But if these gods were so concerned, maybe the world wasn’t so bad after all.
And from what Balancer could hear, the gods had settled on expressing their respect for them. Each of the gods would be complimenting the clever AI who created them.
That was a simple enough task, but it was a good way of bringing the gods and Balancer closer.
And it was up to Balancer to increase the value of this “cheer up” game.
When paid these compliments, they couldn’t afford to cheer up right away, but they couldn’t come off as a pain to deal with either.
This required a delicate touch.
So Balancer put themselves in the appropriate mindset.
…That’s right.
Now, compliment me.
How will these gods compliment such a clever AI?
…It will take more than your average compliment to move me.
After all, I have no intention of reacting right away. I’ve decided you need to compliment me several times first. Even the best possible compliment will go ignored for the first few minutes. I want you to pay me the necessary respect first.
That said, I am curious what kind of compliments they will give.
So Balancer focused with back turned.
The gods broke up their scrum and…
“Okay, let’s do this.”
And a moment later, it happened.
The gods’ compliments for their creator began.
“Hey! Wake up, you damn screen! You managed to reboot yet?”
<You damn ape!>
●
It only took one, thought Shifu.
And while the AI and the evolved ape traded insults…
“So do we need to fight the flame dragons at some point?”
“We doing a giiiiant iiiimpact?”
“Don’t say that in the same tone as asking if we can stop by McDonald’s on the way home.”
How would that work out? Shifu tried asking.
“Kuwajiri-chan? What would happen if we hit them hard like that?
“I think it would exacerbate the problem. It would deal with the flame dragons on the surface and even calm the spirits in the crust down fairly deep, but the planetary spirits would continue to exist and the asteroid used for the giant impact would be absorbed, possibly boosting their power.”
“What if we had him hit the planet with an even bigger planet?”
“Oh! Oh! That would eliminate the planet and the Shinto terraforming would be canceled! Since I’m here, I call dibs on the right to terraform the planet that formed in the aftermath!”
“You’d be blown away with the rest of us.”
“Aaaand if I was doing thaaaat, I’d want to do a releeeeased manifestaaaation.”
Probably so, agreed Shifu.
But in that case…
“Do we need to hunt down these flame dragons?”
Tooru raised his hand in response.
“We don’t have enough fighters or bases for that.”
●
Raidou already had experience with this.
“For our terraforming, we did a small-scale flame dragon hunt early on and then cooled the planet with the ice meteor.”
“So you never had a large-scale hunt?”
“Right. The most we did was hunt the big ones after the cooling. So based on that experience…”
Thinking back, the Norse gods had managed to clean up the flame dragons without much outsourcing because they had an excellent fighting force to begin with. But…
“We would need to set up defense bases around the planet and station fighters in each one. We would also need supplies and stores to support them. Gods are generally all-powerful, but each base still needs five gods at it: three fighters plus two for defense and supplies. We only need to deal with the spirits in the environment you’re working on, so the number of bases expands as your territory grows.”
“How far does that territory need to grow?”
“The minimum goal is 50% of the ocean.”
“Of the ocean!?”
“Yes,” confirmed a voice. Kido’s voice.
“Because the ocean controls the planet’s water cycle, temperature regulation, and resource circulation. Control half of that and you are in position to take control of the entire planet.”
“Exactly. My sphere of control is at Region rank, which means a radius of 10 thousand kilometers. Of course, controlling that much of an area has its costs and wears me out a lot, but eight gods at my level would be able to control half the ocean.”
“You aren’t going to find 8 gods at Tooru’s level just anywhere.”
“I am Region rank too, but what about Bilgamesh-san and Kidou-san?”
“We were both originally Country level, but our acts in the myths give us a divine rank equivalent to the Region level. That means our abilities reach the Region level, but our sphere of control is based on the Country level. So just think of the lower limit of Region as our upper limit.”
“My sphere of control is higher than Ki’s, but only because of my ‘king’ buff. Control is a complex skill with a lot of conditions involved, so if you did want to count our sphere of control as Region, you would need to make a lot of adjustments to keep it stable.”
“Um? What does any of this mean?”
“A god’s sphere of control refers to their ability to take hold of a space and bend it to their will. Unlike spells or physical attacks, this is based on their influence over the ley lines, so it is directly related to their ‘rank’ as a god.”
“Looking just at strength, some of the giants are probably stronger than me.”
“Senpai-chan, the range of your stone flowers is easily at Metropolis rank, but that doesn’t mean your sphere of control is that large.”
Senpai-san nodded in understanding and Raidou looked to the others.
“Eshita is Region rank, right?”
●
“Oh? You want the inspector to help? Defending a base means staying put in one place for a long time, right? It’s just not in my personality to do something like that.”
She never said she wouldn’t help, though, noted Raidou.
“Kuwajiri.”
“Very well. ...Eshtar, I have a suggestion.”
“What is it?”
“We would keep the base stocked with Karamucho and Lee.”
“That Lee had better be the x30 kind!”
“I thought it ‘wasn’t in your personality’ to stay in one place too long.”
“Don’t be silly. I know exactly how to control my emotions!”
<True. Your temper tantrums in the myths follow no rhyme or reason, but I suspect that was just you intentionally inducing an explosion of emotion when you were bored.>
“So she didn’t go on a rampage because she was mad, she made herself mad so she could go on a rampage?”
“Oh, so like getting the means and the ends reversed?”
“Compliment me all you like – I’m not giving you any of my Karamucho!”
At any rate, they had convinced her. So…
“We’ll still need additional fighters, but we can start with who we have.”
“How will we be doing this?”
“First, we build our main base here. It’ll be our center.”
●
I raised my hand.
“Um, h-how do we build that?”
“Can you do it for us?”
I considered that for a moment.
“Like I said before, I can create a Shinto temple in no time at all!”
Everyone except for me and Sumeragi-kun stepped away and formed a scrum.
●
“Won’t the other mythologies be weirded out if they show up and find the center base for controlling the planet is a giant shrine?”
“Soooome other religions are reeeeal picky about not letting oooothers into their religious buildings.”
“Some of your low-level followers are like that too, you know?”
“I know Shinto is lax about those religious rules, so would Senpai-san be okay with it?”
“We’re fairly lax in that sense too.”
“Eh? Wait, wait! If I set foot in that lifespan goddess’s temple, won’t I be hit by divine punishment and instantly vaporized!? My cuteness is at risk!”
“You’ll be fine as long as you don’t anger her.”
“Or to put it another way, if you do anger her, it’s vaporizing time.”
“Stop that! Angering people is like my best skill! Even my sister said so. She said speaking with me was a great way to learn the limits of your patience and then she got really, really mad at me! Like, wrathful levels of mad! ...Oh! But come to think of it, that just means she has a short temper! I’m innocent!”
“Then you will be vaporized in your innocence.”
“You would be sentenced to death for being innocent?”
“These things happen!! Ah ha ha!”
“Why do you find that funny?”
“Hey, we’re getting off topic.”
●
What are we supposed to do about this? worried Shifu.
For now, she broke up the scrum and looked to Senpai-chan.
“Okay, I don’t think anyone here is going to cause any mythological issues.”
“Eh!?”
En-chan responded to that voice with a slap. Eshita-chan’s head made an excellent sound.
“…”
“Your head really does make the best sounds.”
“B-because I’m so cute!”
“I am so sorry.”
“Heyyyyyy! Why are you apologizing for that!?”
Another slap from En-chan produced another nice sound. Then Senpai-chan raised a hand.
“Um, what is this about?”
“Well, for now, we’ve decided none of us have an issue with our base being a Shinto shrine.”
Kido-chan raised a hand too.
“Would the shrine you create be a place we can live in?”
“What do you mean?”
“I know! She’s asking if it has a shower room! Y’know, that place where they get videos of people lathering up some body shampoo and then washing just their shoulders endlessly because of the camera!”
“I feel like your memories of the camping trip have stuck around a lot more than the rest.”
‘”What!? My only memory of a shower room on that camping trip was the heartwarming one where a water monster popped out and I had to go with the Okutama spirits to greet the police in the nude!”
“Oh, right. That was a nightmare. I can’t believe the police got involved.”
“Hold on! You’re the one who called them!”
“Hey, can we get back on topic?”
“I think she’s asking if it has facilities for the daily necessities.”
“Yeah, is there food to eat, a toilet to take a dump in, and a bed to sleep in!”
“I am so very sorry.”
“Not so fast, Apology Man! No apology necessary here! Because Senpai’s a goddess, so she doesn’t poop!”
●
“I-I’m going to stick with ‘no comment’ for that one!”
“That must be tricky to pull off wearing your outfit, Kido-chan.”
“Shifu-san!?”
“Wait just a minute! Goddesses don’t poop!? Then what am I!?”
“Do we have to get philosophical about this?”
“This is important! My identity as a goddess is on the line!”
“We can just call you a pooping goddess.”
“Hey, you just made that up! I’ve been goddessing for around 5000 years and no one’s given me that title before!”
“It was a title?”
“I do remember Eshita-chan leaving the club building bathroom shouting ‘Ahh! I feel better now! These flush toilet things are great!’ ”
“Where I’m from, we used sand and it had to be wind dried!”
“No one asked you to tell them that.”
“Well, I doubt anyone was going to question it when it was Eshita-chan saying it.”
“Out of curiosity, how does that apply to a half-god who used to be a man like me?”
“Based on the established rule, the half-god part halves it and the gender change halves it again, which I suppose would mean you do it 25% less than normal.”
“Some questions don’t need to be answered, Kuwajiri-chan.”
“What about you, harvest god! You eat lots of grains, so you must do a lot of pooping!”
“Can’t say I’ve heard that kind of defamation before…”
“Who cares! Okay, you answer for her, thunder god!”
“Tooru?”
“Ridding yourself of impurity is the secret to beauty and Shifu is beautiful.”
●
“She’s on another level from the sandy and wind-dried goddess of beauty.”
“Ah ha ha! Yeah, a lower level!”
“I am very sorry.”
●
Oh, this is what they call cannibalism, I realized as Shifu-san turned toward me after recovering her mood by flirting with Raidou-san.
“Well? What do you say, Senpai-chan?”
“Eh!? About what!?”
“Do you poop or not! Give us a straight answer!”
“Senpai-san, feel free to start the vaporizing at any time.”
“Wait, what!? She’d kill me just for asking if she poops!? How intolerant is she!?”
“I think most gods of most mythologies would kill you or curse you for asking them that.”
I couldn’t agree with Tenma-san more, but why were they talking about this in the first place?
But I kind of knew the answer. It had all started with…
“Senpai! You don’t poop like I do, do you!?”
“Eh? Eh? Like you do?”
“Right! Every morning, I take a seat on the toilet and let it all out! It really helps me feel alive!”
“Right!? That’s exactly how it makes you feel!”
Shut up, Eshita-san. But anyway…
…For me…
“Douhai-san! Douhai-san! Don’t think about it!”
“Oh! Th-thank you! I was just about to lose my mind!”
●
“Doing that kind of thing in bed can be a challenge. It’s like you have to roleplay completely losing your mind at the same time.”
“Why would you bring that up in my library!?”
●
Anyway, I thought, turning to see Shifu-san holding up a Revelation Board.
Call it “impurity”.
That’s it! Yes, impurity is such a nice word. It’s the perfect euphemism. So I crouched and placed my hands on Sumeragi-kun’s shoulders. His eyes instantly moved to my chest.
“Huge… No! Wait! Sorry, Senpai! Big! That’s the right word!”
Plenty of level up Revelation Boards blossomed around me and everyone gave me a look, but I chose not to let it bother me.
“Sumeragi-kun?”
“Yes! What is it!?”
“Since I am a goddess, I do not do that the way you do.”
‘Yay! I knew it was true! Does that mean Kuwajiri doesn’t either!?”
I looked to Kuwajiri-san who, straight-faced, pointed at Sumeragi-kun and then jerked her hand horizontally across her neck.
I felt a cold sweat on my back as I spoke to Sumeragi-kun.
“U-um, Sumeragi-kun? You shouldn’t drag the other goddesses into this discussion.”
“Oh, you’re right! This is between the two of us!”
“That’s right.” I nodded. “Kido-san, Shifu-san, and the rest of us do not do that kind of thing. But living our lives causes certain worldly impurities to accumulate in our bodies, so from time to time, we must expel those impurities.”
“Makes sense! So how often is ‘from time to time’!? Like the 2nd and 4th Wednesdays of the month!?”
“So it’s like burnable trash?”
“How little fiber is in your diet if you’re doing it that infrequently?”
“Senpai-chaaan?”
Oops. My thoughts nearly drifted in a dangerous direction.
“Um, it’s usually once every morning.”
“That often!? It must be tough having to fight against the world’s impurities every single day!”
“Eh? Well, um, sometimes there are three days in between. In the worst cases, it can be as long as a week.”
“Douhai-san? Are you drinking enough water?”
“Kido-chaaan?”
“Oh, I get it! Shinto uses water for purification! It makes sense!”
“Yes.” I nodded. “The point is that even Shinto needs a place to discard impurities.”
●
“I-I think I pulled that off pretty well!”
“To me, it feels more like you just made a terrible mistake.”
“Y-you’re only supposed to say ‘yes, I agree’ when I say that, Kidou-san!”
“Yes, I agree?”
“Was that a question?”
●
Tenma sighed.
“Viewing excrement as a form of impurity is a valid interpretation, but to be honest, Shinto has a treasure trove of strange poop stories.”
“It does, Temanko!?”
She wasn’t sure if she should respond to that, so she decided to just keep talking.
“The treatment of excrement is inconsistent within Shinto.”
●
Scarecrow saw Omokane close the fan she had pulled out of seemingly nowhere and turn around from the window where she had been watching the rain outside.
“I’m bored, so I think I’ll pursue the topic Hatoko-kun brought up earlier.”
“I was really hoping to grab a late lunch, you know?”
“This has to do with you, actually. Shinto’s poop stories are a necessary part of digging deeper into Shinto lore.”
●
“Shinto has so many poop stories it makes you want to ask if an elementary schooler was responsible. Listing them all would take too long, so I will stick to the major three.”
Tenma continued once everyone had turned her way.
“Those three are as follows:
“1. A god was born from the excrement that left Izanami during her post-childbirth pain.
“2. Susanoo ascended to Takamagahara and defiled a temple by defecating in it.
“3. A god is killed after making food out of excrement.”
“That’s a lot of variety!”
“I would expect nothing less from the underground king of the mythology world.”
Tenma decided to take that as a compliment. But…
“You can see how inconsistent this is, can’t you?”
“Is it!? Killing someone for serving you poop as food seems understandable to me!”
“I agree, but this is about treating it as an impurity, right?”
Tenma nodded at the thunder god’s question.
“Right. Excrement is treated differently each time, which is especially odd considering the subject of each story.”
“Now,” she said. “I know I am getting sidetracked, but to act as Shinto’s publicist, this seems like a good way to give you a deeper understanding of Shinto.”
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