On a Godless Planet:Volume1B Chapter 37
Chapter 37: Switch[edit]
–Reaction and response
●
“Okay.”
Senpai is, um, uh, I thought. Well, whatever it is, it’s about Senpai.
“Where’s Senpai!? Hey! You! The screen and Mucho! I see the other Senpais and the Druagas over there, but where’s Senpai!?”
“How should I know!? Hey, Balancer, where is Iwanaga-hime!?”
<How strange. Didn’t I say Senpai-san is in that stone hut? I do believe I said that before arriving here.>
“Eh!? You did!? You just kept blathering on, so I stopped listening!”
<That honestly pissed me off, but make no mistake. That is just proof that I am a very capable AI.>
“Yeah, it’s really annoying when that human doesn’t listen to you, isn’t it?”
<You didn’t know either, so that means you weren’t listening any more than he was!>
Mucho ignored that by eating some Karamucho while I moved over in front of the stone hut.
There was a stone door in front of me.
…Huh? Was this door here before?
Was it? I wasn’t sure. Not that it mattered. I reached for the knob, and…
“Nh!?”
It wouldn’t open. I tried a few more times, but…
“Hey, door no open!”
<Never before have I heard a native speaker with such a poor grasp of the language.>
“Eh!? Really!? Lucky you! You lost your bad Japanese virginity to me! Aren’t you glad I gave you such a wonderful experience!? You should thank me! C’mon!”
I leaned back against the door to form a K pose.
“Bring it on!!”
Shifu-senpai made a rotating gesture with her right arm while she sent hair swords against the flame dragons in the distance.
“Eh!? Shifu-senpai! You liked my performance that much!? Shifu-senpai! How many times should I twirl!?”
“I’m saying wrap it uuuup!”
What? She didn’t understand my gags? How could this be!? But…
“So what do I do now?”
<That pissed me off all over again since I explained this to you in detail before we arrived, but that is because I am an excellent AI. Listen, ape. You need to get Senpai-san out of that stone hut.>
I looked back to the hut. The door was shut. As were the windows. So…
“But how?”
<Figuring that out is your job.>
“C’mon, think about this for a second! Senpai made this stone hut! Do you really think I’m allowed to open it up without her permission!? If I was allowed to touch it and hug it and shout ‘Ahh, Senpai’s hands made this, so she’s giving me an indirect massage right now!’ and press my entire body against it and lick it, I’d be doing it already!”
“Are we sure you aren’t a failed creation?”
“How rude! What you see here is the average high school boy of the 90s!”
<Since there is only one of them in existence, you are technically the average.>
“Right?” I said before high-fiving Balancer.
Shifu-senpai did her “wrap it up” gesture again.
“Just open it up already.”
“Hey, the dragons are getting stronger, so we need to pull back the front line a bit!”
“Noooooooooooo! I won’t allow iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit! Don’t you change on meeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”
“We don’t have a choice here!!”
“Any news on Iwanaga-hime?”
I thought about the busty Mesopotamian girl’s question.
What was Senpai doing right now?
“N-no! I mustn’t imagine such lewd things! Yes, she’s closed in a private room all by herself, but she would never do something so indecent! You could have a shower scene, but it wouldn’t be a sexy one! Just a constant close-up of her washing her shoulders forever!”
More “wrap it up” from Shifu-senpai.
“Can you just open it already?”
“I wouldn’t dare directly touch something Senpai touched!”
“Touch the ground real quick.”
I wasn’t sure why I should do that, but I did it anyway. I thought it would feel warm, but it didn’t. That probably meant Mucho’s divine protections were working.
Anyway, I stood up and looked back to her.
“Iwanaga-hime made the ground there too. If you can touch that, you can touch that stone hut.”
“Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh? How could you do this to meeeeeeeeee!?”
I twisted my body 90 degrees and tilted my head.
“Mucho! You just defiled my faith! You tricked me into touching the untouchable! But Senpai is kind, so I’m sure she’ll forgive me! You lose!”
<Such incredible reasoning! I wish there was a hospital here I could take you to!>
“So you do get it! My faith is so pure that only a pediatrician or urologist could understand it! What’s that? I have a cold? My throat is swollen, so I need to go get a rectal exam!? You can’t be serious!”
Shifu-senpai’s “wrap it up” was showing signs of her growing legitimately angry, so I got serious for a moment.
“What do I do?”
<If you cannot touch it, why not try calling to her?>
Oh, yeah. I can do that. My voice probably would reach the god I worship.
●
Calling Senpai!
“Senpai!”
That was too short, so I made it longer.
“Senpaiiiii!”
No, that wasn’t quite right. I was only extending the final i. I needed to extend it all equally.
“Ssseeennnpppaaaiii!”
Hm, now it sounded more like I was a kid in front of a friend’s house asking if they could come out to play. My pronunciation was probably to blame. I needed to express Senpai’s beauty.
“♪Seeeenpaiiiiiiiiiiiii!♪”
Close but no cigar! Why no cigar!? Because there was too much me in it. Senpai was a god, so I had to eliminate my own lowly self from how I said it.
“♪Slueeeehenmmmuuuppaiiihhhhh!♪”
What, is she one of the Great Old Ones now!?
●
“Just out of curiosity, does the Cthulhu stuff count as a mythology?”
<No, those are just ordinary works of fiction.>
“How did you even make that noise?”
“You do it like you’re trying to shout out the top of your head. …But how about it!? That last one shocked Mucho, so it probably made it to Senpai!”
<I forgot to mention it, but a divine barrier is blocking all the sound.>
“How could you!? How could you!?”
●
I actually heard it.
“Ahhhhhhh! It’s Sumeragi-kun! It’s Sumeragi-kun!!”
Was there something wrong with me? I was pretty sure I needed to calm down.
But when Shifu-san did her megaphone thing to get through the barrier, her voice was really loud, so I removed the soundproofing barrier so they wouldn’t do that next time. And instead…
“Senpaiiiii!”
Oh, noooo.
“Ssseeennnpppaaaiii!”
Ooohhh, nnnooo.
“♪Seeeenpaiiiiiiiiiiiii!♪”
♪Ohhh, nooooo♪
“♪Slueeeehenmmmuuuppaiiihhhhh!♪”
Oluohhhh, nwoaahhhhhhhhhhhh!
There was definitely something wrong with me.
But this was bad. Sumeragi-kun was having trouble.
I wanted to help him.
He kept calling for me like a puppy.
I really wanted to help him.
“What do I do? What do I do?”
I kept pacing around and around the table in this room. My hips hurt where I had bumped into it a few times. I should have rounded off the corners, but it felt so nice to create that perfectly smooth surface.
“Senpai!”
He knocked on the door.
“Senpai! Open up! It’s Sumeragi Izumi! The boy version this time! I was only just rolled back, so I’m all fresh! Oh, Balancer, I can tell you want to see just what part of me is so fresh! But that’s secret! You’re gonna make me blush asking that!”
It was incredible how easy it was to imagine what he was doing.
●
“Pretty sure he’s making 0 progress right now.”
“And hasn’t that stone hut’s barrier been partially removed?”
“Hm, so would the sound get through? Shifu, can you check?”
“Sure. Can you take care of things here, Tooru?”
●
Mucho said it “looked like my voice could probably get through”.
“That’s a pretty roundabout phrasing there, Mucho. Are you sure you’re a powerful god?”
“I can tell just by looking! Of course I’m powerful!”
Shifu-senpai arrived while we were arguing.
“So how about it?”
<To preserve my neutral position, I have decided to remain an observer in this case.>
“So is there any way of telling if his voice is getting through?”
“She isn’t responding to me! That means she must be calmly sleeping inside!”
“You have a very peaceful imagination. But anyway…”
Shifu-senpai slapped my shoulders and turned me toward the stone hut. And…
“Heyyyy, Senpai-chaaaaan!”
●
I won’t respond, I told myself.
“Stay strong!”
Yes. I had to stay strong. I had to resist. That was important right now.
Sumeragi-kun’s voice had been very tempting, but I could handle Shifu-san.
I could resist. I would be fine.
“Senpai-chaaan!”
Yes, what is it? Whatever it is, I can resist!
“Eshita-chan is providing divine protections for Sumeragi-chan. I was just wondering if you were okay with that.”
My resistance crumbled almost immediately.
●
Shifu saw a Revelation Board appear next to Sumeragi.
“Oh?”
<Report: Partner request for Sumeragi Izumi received – Limited contract – Confirmed.>
<Basic divine protections and authorities are being applied from Iwanaga-hime to Sumeragi Izumo.>
<Partner prioritization has canceled divine protections and authorities based on Eshtar’s emergency contract.>
Light filled the idiot’s surroundings again and a few Revelation Boards blossomed around Eshita-chan. Meaning…
“You’re partners again, but she still isn’t preserving this location. She sure is the jealous type.”
“That means she can hear me! Yes! Hooray! She heard me!”
The idiot turned toward the others.
“I’m overjoyed that she can even hear me! Happy, happy, happy! We should commemorate this day with a permanent holiday on this planet! That’s definitely happening! Okay, everyone, I’m satisfied, so let’s call it a day!”
Shifu threw a karate chop right into the idiot’s forehead.
●
The stone hut shook violently.
“A-am I under attack!?”
I assumed the flame dragons had finally reached the stone hut. I had reestablished the partner setting, but I still wasn’t preserving the hut or the land beneath it. However…
“S-sorry, Senpai! I just about flew 70m when Shifu-senpai took issue with my joke, but I hit the stone hut instead!”
That was amazingly easy to imagine. But…
“But I’m fine! Your divine protection has started healing me! Thank you so much!”
I was relieved to hear that.
●
“She must be relieved he wasn’t stolen away by another woman.”
“Ki, try not to provoke her.”
●
“Heyyyy, you got a mooooment?”
“Hm? What is it, Shinsei?”
“Welllll, my ether supplyyyy is running lowwww. I’ve already used my reserrrrve ether, so we might be in trouble iffff this keeps up.”
“Huh? How much longer do we have?”
“Hmmmm, about 15 minutes I thiiiink.”
●
That sounds bad, thought Raidou.
They had to get Senpai-san out of there and solve all of this within 15 minutes.
Even if they regained her control over this area, they were still being pushed back. They had to eliminate the flame dragons’ momentum, but they would definitely lose if they lost Shinsei’s power.
“Yomoji-chan, isn’t there anything you can do?”
“Hmmmm.”
“With us, we’d eat a bunch of meat to get all fired up.”
“Ooh! Ooh! I have a question! How do we get the club president fired up?”
Shinsei looked up toward the heavens and eventually looked back down with a serious expression.
“Back in my priiiime, none of my believers were wiiiilling to even try to take me on.”
“You just hate the entire idea of having believers, don’t you!? Don’t you!?”
●
“Sumeragi! You have 10 minutes! We can manage if you leave us with 5 minutes! So you need to get Senpai-san out of that stone hut within 10 minutes!”
I nodded at Raidou-senpai’s demand.
“Got it! I read about a situation like this in a book!”
“Really? What book? Something like ‘96 Tragic Mistakes in World History’?”
“Th-that’s a weirdly specific book to invent! But no! It was a Japanese mythology book! About Shinto!”
●
“Yes, this is much like that Ama-no-Iwato incident we dealt with.”
“The one where Amaterasu, one of Shinto’s primary gods, grew fed up with her brother Susanoo’s outrageous behavior and holed up in a cave?”
“It was honestly a ton of fun. We threw this huge party out front until Amaterasu peeked out to see what was going on and then we all dragged her out. Uzume even danced in the nude to really get the party going.”
●
“Okay! That means someone has to dance in the nude!”
They all turned their backs on me.
●
“Huhhh!?”
None of them responded. Mucho was even eating Karamucho again.
“What’s wrong, everyone!? It’s time to throw a party to draw Senpai’s attention! Ohhh, I get it! You all want me to strip! Well, why didn’t you say so!? This is what you want, isn’t it!?”
“Hey, someone stop him. This is painful to watch.”
“Sumeragi-chaaan? Do you really think Senpai-chan wants to see you dancing in the nude?”
●
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little interested.
“I mean, he’s my fav! O-of course I want to see him naked! It’s completely natural!”
Oh. Come to think of it, this is actually bad.
“I can’t let everyone out there see him naked before I do!”
This entire endeavor was starting to feel like a failure. But I could still hear him through the wall.
“Hmm. Then how about I do it next time I’m rolled back as a girl!?”
Yes! Yes! That would be great!
“Except I’ll be a virtual manifestation, so I won’t be around to see it!”
Wow, I was getting pathetic.
●
Then what should I do? I wondered.
I thought back to the myth. What had they done to get Amaterasu out of the Ama-no-Iwato?
“The gods got drunk and then chatted with each other!”
<Try it.>
“Okay! Raidou-senpai, let’s start by getting drunk!”
“I’m gonna be pretty busy for the full 10 minutes!”
He was not being helpful. So…
“Shifu-senpai! …Hey, why’d you turn your back on me!? Stop fighting with one hand over your ear!”
The Druaga pair weren’t much better.
“What’s with them! It’s like they don’t want to solve this!”
<And what will you do about it?>
“Mucho! Can you get us drunk!?”
“Can I be honest?”
“Hm? Go for it.”
“When Shifu used my name earlier, your divine protection privileges were rewritten in a flash, right? And Iwanaga-hime gave me one hell of a look after I killed you with my spear before, remember?”
Mucho’s voice rose to a shout.
“You’re just giving her more and more reasons to hate me!”
“And what happens then?”
“Don’t you get it!? If she finds out I helped you here, that’s three strikes against me and she’ll define my lifespan to kill me!”
“Yeah, Senpai is super cute, isn’t she?”
“We’re talking about my death here! And none of it is my fault!”
“Yeahhhh, sorry about that.”
“See? Shifu-senpai apologized and everything.”
“Extremely casually! Anyway, I’m rejecting any plan that uses me! Got that!?”
Also…
“Why do you keep calling me Mucho!?”
“Because you’re Mucho. What kinda question is that?”
Mucho scratched at the air before finally pointing at me.
“You’re supposed to use a god’s actual name when addressing them!”
“Oh? But didn’t you just call me Shifu?”
“–––––”
“It’s okay when I do it! Because I’m important!”
“Calm down, Mucho. You’re hurting your identity here. And didn’t you know? Mucho is Ancient Ikeyan for ‘Important Goddess’. That’s why I’ve been calling you that.”
“Really!? And that’s why you gave me these snacks!?”
<To clarify, Mucho is Spanish for ‘a lot’ and its feminine form is ‘mucha’, so it has nothing at all to do with you, Eshtar.>
“Whaaaaaaaaaaaat!?”
“Calm down, Mucho. If you really don’t like being called that, I can take the middle of Karamucho and call you Ra Mu.”
“She’s from Mu?”
“She’s Kikuchi Momoko.”
The 90s group was quick to catch on. The Druaga group looked confused, but they’d figure it out eventually.
<Anyway, what are you going to do?>
“Get drunk, remember? And I know just the girl for that.”
●
Kuwajiri had been sleeping on the floor. She was still lying there, but she was awake now.
“…”
She was still electrified.
The day had been a pain in the morning and a pain at midday. She had eaten too much at lunch out of spite, so the beer from before had taken effect and she had fallen asleep with her legs sticking out onto the balcony.
That had been a mistake.
“Only my legs will have a tan.”
She sluggishly looked down to see the balcony was in the shade. Her legs were not in the sun.
So she would be fine.
Anyway, the beer can next to her still had some left inside.
She sat up and took a sip.
It was no longer cold, but that was not too different from how it was back home. It tended to be chilled here, which she appreciated at times like this.
“I really shouldn’t fall asleep with my glasses on.”
She sighed while continuing to sip at the beer.
What were the others doing right now? There was no point in her going since she could not fight and she could provide any of her knowledge via divine transmission, so it was best for her to stay here.
Then a Revelation Board appeared. It was from Balancer, but it produced a different voice.
“Hey! Kuwajiri! Could you come here real quick!? Only you will do!”
“Huh?”
She frowned.
They needed fighters there and they needed that idiot to put in an effort, so why would they need her?
But the “only you will do” phrasing had piqued her curiosity, so she asked.
“Why me? This is like Amaterasu’s Ama-no-Iwato, isn’t it? You shouldn’t need a wisdom god.”
●
“No, idiot! It has to be you! We need to get drunk here, but the others aren’t helping! Mucho has nothing better to do, but she still won’t help! Yeah, that’s right! Mucho has nothing at all to do, but she won’t lift a finger to help! Do I need to say it a third time!? Anyway, we need you here! You’re a god of alcohol, aren’t you!? That means your arrival is like getting a whole barrel of beer delivered! Because your blood alcohol is so high you’re like a drunken party all on your own! This’ll work! So come on over!”
Kuwajiri smashed the Revelation Board with a straight right punch.
●
“Ah, hell! Kuwajiri rejected my idea at this crucial moment!”
“Why did you think she would do anything but reject that?”
“And you were badmouthing me! What did I ever do to deserve that!?”
“Isn’t the problem that you didn’t do anything?”
●
“Heh heh heh. Do you see now how perfectly I set up our party outside the Ama-no-Iwato? Seeing how much trouble they’re having now proves that it was truly an act of god.”
“Bragging about that here solves nothing!”
“How did you set that up?”
“Oh, it was simple. Most of them came running the instant I sent out a divine transmission. Because either they owed me one or I knew some compromising secret about them. Uzume-kun showed up of her own accord, though.”
“Extortion is illegal!”
●
“Dang, this myth is useless! We need to think up some better method!”
My angry venting earned me some advice.
“How bout you go through with the strip show you were considering before?”
“Ehh!? Are you saying Senpai wants to see my strip show!?”
“No, I’m saying she’ll come out to stop you because she doesn’t want it to happen.”
The opposite, huh?
But that might just work. I twirled twice and stopped in front of the stone hut’s door. And…
“Senpai! I’m about to strip! It’ll be the hottest strip show on the planet! Guaranteed to get your motor running like the Tyrrell six-wheeler! Ahhhhn! That right there is the sound of an erection! Ohhhh, Sumeragi is starting off strong here! Just look at that Tokyo Tower of pleasure! And he reaches for his clothes to strip with it still standing tall! And there go those clothes! What do you have to say about that, Yamamoto-san!? …Well, he sure did strip.”
“Who is Yamamoto-san?”
“Kotetsu.”
Leave it to the war god to get the reference. But that wasn’t what mattered.
“You hear that, Senpai! I really am going to strip! You okay with that!?”
That was when I noticed something.
A Revelation Board had opened in front of the door.
The words “Recording Spell” were clearly written on it.
●
“Yeah, that’ll make you gulp.”
“Which is it?”
“Are you asking if she wants to record it or if she’s threatening to record it if he doesn’t stop?”
“Either way, that’s the end of the stripping plan.”
●
“That’s our Senpai! She saw right through my stripping plan!”
Eshita sighed at the idiot’s comment.
“Fine, then.”
She felt like she had to play the villain here, so she tapped the idiot on the shoulder with her left hand and summoned her power into her right hand.
That was the spear of death.
“Human? I am going to say some dangerous things and take you hostage. If you don’t make it sound real, Iwanaga-hime won’t come out.”
“Eh!? Are you sure, Mucho!? You really want to earn Senpai’s wrath and have your lifespan fade away and crumble like powdered soup!?”
“No, I don’t want that! And stop describing it so vividly! C’mon!”
With that last word, she shoved the idiot in front of the door and readied her spear behind him.
“Listen up!”
She thought about who she was speaking to.
“Come on out if you want this hostage to leave here alive!”
●
In an instant, the door opened.
In an instant, a hand reached out.
In an instant, it grabbed Sumeragi’s collar.
In an instant, he was dragged into the stone hut.
In an instant, the door started to close.
●
“–––––––”
“Eh!? What!? Hey, wait!”
The door was closing, so Eshita frantically reached out to stop it.
As she did, she saw Iwanaga-hime glaring up at her from the darkness within.
“Eep.”
Just as she felt her imaginary balls shrivel up, the door shut.
She even heard a lock click.
There was nothing left in her left hand and only the spear of death in her right hand.
“Eh!? Ahh! Wait!?”
●
“…”
“Yeah, I think we’re screwed now.”
“And Sumeragi-chan is probably having an interesting time in there.”
“You sound like you’re enjoying this, Shifu.”
“Eshtar, what is wrong with you?”
“No, um, I….”
She had to say it.
“It’s not my fault!”
Interlude[edit]
“Senpai! I love that new look in your eyes!”
“Th-thank you?”
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