Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter3

Suggested sentences for revision

Completed edits for the entire chapter and added suggested revisions for parts 1 and 2 below. I'm still in the process of writing up suggested revisions for part 3 and will post them at a later date. And the list is looking shorter than last time ;). Also, I'm not sure how many of these would lend themselves to it, but I can make the changes that are 'CaM' or written out explicitly to save you time if you'd prefer. I think my selectivity in the level of importance for suggestions has shifted over the course of all of the chapters, let me know if you'd prefer more selective (and therefore shorter) lists. --Cthaeh (talk) 21:15, 3 December 2013 (CST)

Part 1

he would immediately direct his eyes at the door, to find that it never opened.

• Suggested revision: "... eyes at the door, only to find that it hadn't opened."

His eyes tore straight up, and his lips turned upwards, to reveal his canine teeth.

• I wasn't sure what "His eyes tore straight up" means. Also, I would consider replacing "His eyes" with "Orba's eyes" just because the main subject of the previous sentence (and the previous "his") was Dinn.

In that time, the light-footed gladiator Aeson climbed over the fencings and walls and aligned against the balcony of the room Oubary was situated in.

• Suggested change to "and aligned himself against".

Aeson was a born pirate from the northern Zongan seas and experienced in the raising and lowering of the mast.

• "was a born pirate" implies that he has a natural aptitude that either did not come from experience, or goes beyond his level of experience as a pirate. While that's not necessarily wrong, I thought it was a strange statement to make in context. I would have expected it to just be "had been a pirate" or "was born a pirate" to say that he was experienced as a pirate.
• I also thought "raising and lowering of the mast" was out of place with the context. Something like "climbing up and down the mast" is what I was expecting. However, if that's what's in the original, then that's what it should be.

General Oubary is a general long serving Mephius.

• Suggested revision: General Oubary is a general that has long served Mephius.

Rather, because the matter with Kaiser exists, Noue will not have to work for his accomplishments, right?”

• I think "accomplishments" doesn't quite fit, in part because they haven't happened yet. Something like 'goals', 'tasks', or 'objectives' seems to fit better for me. However, when I use Word's thesaurus on 'accomplishments', it gives a different definition than the plural of 'accomplishment'. That definition is something like 'endeavours', which would fit the context a little better here. However, I wasn't able to find that definition in my dictionary and obviously wasn't aware of it before, so I'm a little hesitant about it.

“Already in Mephius, hmm. You are exactly right. To this end, the search will also determinedly be met within Mephius. Of course…so this was Noue’s aim. The sword-slaves are an unfortunate bunch. They are the same as children provoked by wicked adults into fruitless opposition.”

• I didn't understand the italicized sentence. Though this is suppose to be just the tail of the conversation, so maybe its meaning is supposed to be unclear.

“A cuirass, sandals, and bangles.”<!--Should I word it “Get me a cuirass…” to make it more obvious that it’s Orba’s proposal?”-->

• re your question: I understood that it was Orba saying it.

The guard at the gate saw Orba’s mask and bowed. He wasn’t a man with much of a prominent personality, but in accordance to the rules, performed an inspection for weapons after which he granted permission for him to enter.

• I wasn't really sure what not being a "prominent personality" meant for the guard. As I understand it, "prominent personality" would refer to someone who was well known or famous. But it seems strange to bother saying that guard at the gate is not famous since I would consider that obvious or implicitly expected without saying it, so I thought there may have been a different intended meaning.

No sooner than he had entered the garden, all the men and women called out to him. The name and appearance of the gladiator said to have defeated Ryucown had become well-known. The nobles had mostly hosted parties at their own homes and invited those they wanted to come.

• The last sentence seems out of place. I would have expected it to be saying something along the lines of 'the nobles had invited Orba the gladiator to the parties they hosted in their homes'.

The two seemed to be facing each other and chatting happily. And as they appeared to do so, open hostility could be seen within those two pairs of eyes.

• The "And as they appeared... ," seems redundant with the "The two seemed to be" in the previous sentence. Suggested revision to the following

- The two seemed to be facing each other and chatting happily, however, open hostility could be seen within those two pairs of eyes.

Part 2

If I don’t make my own foothold, no progress will make way.”

• Italicized part seemed a little strange. Assuming it doesn't distort the intended focus/meaning, I would have used something like "I will not make any progress".

If such things were made to pass, even the country’s management would spiral out of control.

• The italicized portion might sound more natural as "things were allowed to pass" or "things came to pass". However, I can see how those might be diverging from the intended focus.

Vileena thought ascertainingly, in the hosted party held at the Moonlight Palace this evening.

• "ascertainingly" isn't a word, even though it's something that people would probably get the gist of. 'perceptively' is a somewhat close alternative that could be used. Also, this sentence just sound strange, though I understand it's meant to transition us from Vileena's dress fitting to the party (without doing the typical break with extra lines). I want to say "Vileena though ___ during/(while attending) the hosted party ..." sounds a little better, but I'm not entirely sure it would for anyone but me.

No matter how savage a country Mephius was, there should be those that could not ignore their feelings of opposition towards the emperor’s conduct nonetheless.

• I'm not as sure on this one, but I thought "nonetheless" might be redundant with the starting "No mater how", and could be deleted.

I will make sure of each and every one of their positions and views, and so that I may use it to somehow benefit Garbera, I must determine my own standing.

• The sentence's current structure implies to me that she is saying she will either use her own standing to the benefit of Garbera, or that she must first determine her own standing before she can make use of the information (positions and views). Not necessarily anything wrong, I just don't quite understand why knowing her position needs to relate to the information gathered.

She decided for a change in location. And if at some place this topic would come up, she would attempt to join in.

• I would have expected the first sentence to be something like "She decided to move about." (something that implies she is constantly moving and listening for 'this topic', rather than just changing one location to another single location). Also, this is more minor, but I might have written the first part of the second sentence as something like "And if this topic came up at some spot, she ...".

He was showing a magnificent dance with one of the ladies, as the surrounding groups of women threw glares of jealousy and envy.

• Suggested revision of "showing" to "performing" or "showing off". Though both of those have a slightly different meanings from 'show', so maybe it wouldn't work.

He offered his greetings if not one second early, and for some reason quickly drew towards the direction of the party.

• "if not one second early" seems a little strange; I think it means he did it quickly? Also, the second half of the sentence implies to me that he left Vileena (left in the direction of the main party). However, he later joins in the conversation with Ineli (meaning he's still there), so I was a little confused on the later half.

“Ah, could it be I’ve yet to introduce to my elder sister?

• Suggested "I've yet to be introduced to" or "I've yet to introduce myself to".

I felt it would be better to exchange fellow greetings as early as possible, for the both of us.”

• Suggested removal of "fellow". I thought "exchange greetings" already contains the context added by "fellow".

(Ineli) “Just now, I have had the pleasure of entertaining a dance with Lord Salzantes ... // (Vileena)... “I have had the pleasure of witnessing this a moment ago, but Princess Ineli is extremely skilled.

• Ineli's "I have had" could be reduced to "I had", but it's actually fine as is. Vileena's "I have had" would sound more natural/correct as "I had". However, I thought it was possible this was intentionally done to represent Vileena mimicking Ineli's style of speech. If that's the case, then it should probably be left as is.

“My, is that so. So that’s how it is. Well, it’s better not to fret over it. I have been taught by a dancing instructor since I was three. That instructor is a master dancer of the Arion imperial court. That person has been praised with having talent at the age of three.”

• The last sentence seemed strange, I didn't quite know what to make of it. I thought it might have seemed strange because Ineli is saying that she has never been taught (she is her own instructor) in a conceited and convoluted manner? If that's the case, then maybe things should be left as is (I can't think of any specific changes to make).

As Ineli showed her approval, she intently watched Vileena, whose eyes were screwed up.

• I wasn't sure exactly what it means for someone's eyes to be screwed up. My guess, which is somewhat corroborated by google, is that it is or is similar to the state of suppressing tears where the muscles under the eye and eyelids scrunch together. So I'm suspicious this is just a random lapse in my vocabulary and that everything is fine, but I'm just double checking.

She was sent for not only by tutors within Mephius, but also from those around the world of different varieties of styles, and was confident in her own sense of style.

• This ties in to my earlier uncertainty about whether Ineli's dancing was self-taught. If she's not self-taught, then shouldn't she be the one sending for tutors? If she is self-taught, I still wouldn't expect tutors to send for her, but I guess the tutors want to be taught by her so they can teach their students?

During tea talks, the subject of their gossip would shift towards Vileena. And, whilst she stayed in the same country, her situation of being holed up in the women’s chambers was strangely exaggerated. Today, they passed by each other and exchanged glances, and with the slightest of efforts Vileena caught the attention of her surroundings, the very thought of which Ineli could not stomach.

• The last two sentences, particularly the last, seemed a little awkward to me. Though I'm having trouble coming up with a suggested revision right at the moment. If nothing is apparent to you, then I suggest skipping this. I might come back and add a suggestion when I get to finishing part 3.

and breathes of sighs leaked out from the observing members

• Suggestion that "breathes of sighs" can be reduced to "sighs" as more natural sounding.

Stealthy giggles were sneaked from the surroundings.

• Suggested revision to "Stealthy giggles sneaked out from the surroundings."

And then using the rotation of her hips, hurled the startledly hopping Baton.

• "startledly" is something else that's not an actual word even though most people likely understand the intent. "the startled, hopping Baton" would be a more technically correct alternative. Also, this sentence is technically missing a noun (she), but it works ok carrying over from the previous sentence if you want to leave it as is.

Baton fell face flat onto the floor.

• "fell face first" or "fell flat on his face" might be more common phrasing than "face flat." Though, "face flat" does have a reasonable number of google hits so maybe it's not too uncommon even though it seems off to me.

and donned a mask was the once former gladiator.

• "once" could be removed, unless that unusual pairing of "once former" was intentional.

The branches of the forest rustled, the fountain bathed in an attractive golden under the fires, and gentle smiles spread across the faces of the guests as they watched the unfolding scene take place.

• Two suggested possible revisions:

- the fountain was bathed in an attractive golden light under the fires

- the fountain was bathed in an attractive gold under the light of the fires

Part 3

tbc