Talk:Campione!:Volume 6 Chapter1

Kira

Comments:

"even the Venice Beach": Venice Beach is a place in California, "the" is not needed. Anyway, I changed the entire sentence because the fan translation turns out to make more sense in this case.

"Jack works for the Los Angeles branch": past tense narration means that the story is told from some indeterminate time afterwards, when facts may have changed. Hence "worked", i.e. no assumption on current state of affairs. After all, he could die or the city could be destroyed through the course of the story.

"I am now have": "am now have" is clearly grammatically incorrect.

"How can I wait? To refuse...": wrong interpretation. JPS is asking Jack to wait.

"gathered in this city than in any other": the second "in" just sounds clunky. After all, the "than..." phrase can apply to "this city" rather than the verb "gathered in." Of course, as a parsing issue, it does depend on the reader's preference.

"he was given the great title of the 'Ruler of the Underworld'": 'Ruler of the Underworld' is not his title. He was given the name of a particular ruler of the underworld -- Pluto. Hence, small letters for ruler of the underworld.

"turning himself into an invincible giant, and shooting magic bullets": he doesn't shoot magic bullets when he's an invincible giant, hence the separating comma.

Open for discussion (stylistic):

Is there any problem with the expression "winning a struggle"? Struggles have to be "gone through" instead of won?

"it was an indisputable fact": Since the phrase "this is fact" is just as valid as "this is a fact," is it really necessary to put in an article?

Isn't "world famous" a valid phrase?

--Zzhk (talk) 19:08, 10 August 2012 (CDT)

Chancs

amount vs amounts: multiple wounds bleeding over multiple periods of time, hence multiple amounts of blood

capitalization: one can refer to a university's humanities faculty without it being an actual official title

survived: past instead of past perfect because she hasn't stopped surviving

Professor West's dialogue: not past tense, since the speaker still believes JPS to be alive --Zzhk 09:56, 5 August 2012 (CDT)

Title

Should be changed to Farewell, John Pluto Smith.

さらば(saraba) was used instead of さような(sayounara).

Well, "farewell" sounded too final, which is why I picked "goodbye" whose meaning is broader and less specific. After all, Jack uses the same line twice -- once when JPS apparently dies and the second time when JPS leaves after defeating Asherah.

Or are you going for a more antiquated tone? --Zzhk (talk) 00:12, 25 August 2012 (CDT)

Yeah pretty much, it's an 'ancient' word that people don't say nowadays.

I'd use Middle English "adieu" for the same effect, but some people might not get it and I try to avoid titles that need notes. --Zzhk (talk) 00:36, 25 August 2012 (CDT)

But isn't "Adieu" used as a cherry farewell? Since for this chapter John Pluto dies, using it will have an opposite effect. --Chancs (talk) 06:08, 25 August 2012 (CDT)