Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter2

I'm going to take the more liberal approach to translating this chapter, since direct translation is giving me a headache trying to not make the sentences sound awkward. There were 2 sentences in the first part I wasn't too sure about. --Detalz (talk) 21:50, 22 August 2013 (CDT)

• Sorry for my late reply, I've been a bit too busy for time lately. --Dohma (talk) 16:05, 10 September 2013 (CDT)

カインだって、バイアンニ頭を引かせての戦車銃撃競技なら、ソロンで名の知れたどんな剣闘士より上手くやるだろうに. "And then there’s Kain; I’d like to see someone that can best him in a gunning match against two Baian tanks.”

• Are they actually using tanks here, or alluring the tanks to the Baians' thick armor.

• Because Kain, while he brought down two Baian heads in a tank shooting contest (that's really what I get here...), would do better than any gladiator renowned in Solon.; I don't think the tank refers to the Baians. But I'm not so sure what a tank shooting contest is in this context.

• Yea, I had a hard time making out exactly what it was saying, and that's the only sentence to use as reference on this so called 'tank shooting match'. I don't think 引かせて can mean 'to bring down'(an animal). Doesn't the 'bringing down' definition originate from 引かす? I thought it was strictly for monetary usage. I figure 引かせて is most likely the causative form of 引く in this case, "a shooting contest on a tank(made to be) pulled by 2 Baians" or "a shooting contest with tanks that (are normally used to) carry 2 Baians", either of which I find mind-blowing. I have no idea what a 'tank' is capable of in this novel. --Detalz

オルバは「初陣での活躍に有頂天になっている皇子]. "Orba began, 'I’m extremely pleased with my success with my first campaign,'”

• Not sure if I should keep it as is. Could someone offer their interpretation?

• I'm not sure if this is spoken, which page is this? Anyway, for now I'd translate it as "Orba was 'the prince who had become ecstatic for his activities in his first campaign'".

• It's on pg. 68 in the middle of the page. I'm sure the author uses quotation marks here. --Detalz

Found it, but I don't think it is spoken. Full sentence: その後も、オルバは「初陣での活躍に有頂天になっている皇子」の振りをつづけた。 The brackets are used to emphasize that these are probably Fedom's orders, or maybe his own approach at playing a double. It's the オルバは「．．．」の振りをつづけた that convinces me of this. I'd translate it like: After that, Orba continued to act as 'a prince who had become excited for his activities in his first campaign'. --Dohma (talk) 10:28, 11 September 2013 (CDT)

• Changed. Thanks for the help as usual.

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Chapter 2 Terminologies

Here are the romanizations of the terms I came across in the chapter I'm not too sure about.

ガイザー Geyser (dragon species)

マ・ドゥーク – Ma'Duk [Changed] (dragon species)

• Like I said in the forums, 'Duke' might be confusing, so I'd consider Dhouk/Douk/Dook/Dhook, whatever, as long as it's sorta phonetically the same. --Dohma

ノウェ・サウザンテス – Noue Salzantes

• There's a guy in Drakengard 2 with the same name and it's romanized Nowe; but probably with an emphasis on 'we'. --Dohma
• Also, I think Sozantes (or Souzantes, but the 'u' may be unnecessary here) is closer to the original. Salzantes would be サルザンテス, I think.--Dohma

• Isn't サウ read as (Sau)? In which case, the english equivalent sounds most similar to the 'sou' in sour, or "sow," "sao," "sal," with which I chose the last option. Besides the l at the end of a word, ル is rarely used to emulate 'L' sounds that don't equate "Loo" or "Lu" in sounds in beginning/middle of words in my opinion. And somehow, I'm finding Nowe to not match his last name, so I'll probably stick with Noue.

『豪腕』パーシル– Strong-armed Pashir

旦那さま – my(the) master

• I went with master since you did, but I think my lord/milord/my liege might be a bit better based on the setting.

• When I come across it when proofchecking I'll hand out a 'verdict', but I haven't come across 旦那さま myself yet, so do what you think sounds best. I actually like 'my liege' - I haven't thought of that one yet. I don't think lord is necessary here, because 旦那 is used for a person of higher status, but also for customers or even husbands. It doesn't have that 'noble' feel to me. It could also be how one addresses one's rich merchant boss or something. --Dohma

• Hermann uses this to address Fedom, and was briefly used in Chapter 2 of the first volume. --Detalz

In that case 'master' probably suits best, as Hermann doesn't really speak in an overly respectful tone towards Fedom, who doesn't seem to mind. Considering 旦那 can be used towards people not of noble birth, I believe it's a less respectful form of speech than 'my lord', but of course, it still depends on the context. If you believe 'my lord' or 'my liege' fits better in a given situation, you should go with that - there's no definite rule. Besides, I sometimes use 'your highness' instead of 'prince' because constantly using 'prince' to address someone sounds a bit strange in English. --Dohma (talk) 10:33, 11 September 2013 (CDT)

• Yea, I'm beginning to think more variation needs to be adjusted towards translation of these titular nouns. Though in my viewpoint, 'liege' accomodates a relationship of trust/loyalty whereas 'master' accomodates a relationship based on status alone(or in the most extremes, complete servitude). As a short background on Hermann's history, he was picked up and provided for by Fedom. So in this case, I don't exactly feel him calling Fedom 'master' is appropriate. Or maybe we'll somehow think of an alternative title along the way and go with that one. --Detalz

Suggested sentences for revision

I've done spell check and British English for the whole chapter. I've also made further edits and suggestions for part 1. Also, I generally try to avoid bugging translators about trivial matters, but my ocd is getting the better of me here: many of your paragraphs end with white spaces after the period, I don't think it really matters, but do you mind if I delete those extra white spaces? And as always, thanks for your translations. --Cthaeh (talk) 22:47, 1 November 2013 (CDT)

Part 1

where those who bragged of their strength would duke it out in the imperial capital of Solon’s arena, which compared to all others, made them appear to be lacking in lustre, and awfully plain.

• Suggesting change to "which made all others appear lacking in lustre and awfully plain by comparison."

Amongst the gladiators who had survived day after day of fighting, the Guild would carefully select the ones with real ability, especially those with high popularity, until the final four men were chosen and to each, a one-on-one battle would be held.

• I'm not sure exactly what the intended meaning of the last half is. The "until" is strange because it seems to imply those chosen were fighting to get to the final four, even though that hasn't been said. And then "to each" also seems out of place.

It had been modelled after one of Mephius’ most popular historical figures, the Dragon-slaying hero, Clovis, who, together with the support of Felipe, fought to the very end. Despite being gladiators, they had been bestowed the same title, and released from their status as sword-slave.

• I thought the second sentence is a little strange. One because it says "despite being gladiators" even though no gladiators have been mentioned in the mini-story yet (I have to assume "the support of Felipe" was gladiators). Also, "the same title" is a little ambiguous (I guess the only thing it could be is the same title as Clovis, 'Dragon-slaying hero'). So while there is not necessarily anything wrong, the ambiguities made me want to bring it up for review.

In this day and age, the sword-slaves trained even harder than usual in hopes they would be able to participate in the tournament.

• The matching of "in this day and age" and "than usual" is a little strange because of the differing time periods those imply. I would have expected either "in this day and age, ... than in the past" or "at this time of year, ... than usual".

The day before the festival started, the Mephius royalty and chief vassals had, during the evening, taken the lead in the celebration of founding day, and held a ritual to pray for a good harvest in the coming year.

• Suggested revision to "The evening before the day the festival started, the Mephius royalty and chief vassals took the lead ...". (Rearranging sentence and "had taken" to "took".)

It was a symbol of the capital, and situated below was the Dragon God Shrine. It was a naturally formed cave,

• The first "It was" refers to the Black Tower, but the second refers to the shrine. Being used in sequence like that made me think the second "it was" was also the tower, so my suggested revision is to change the second "It was" to "The shrine".

The one acting as vanguard and holding the lamps was not the emperor, but several elderly men. They had dark brown skin and thin but treaded robustly.

• The second sentence needs "were thin" instead of thin. But I also don't like that the current structure and use of "but" implies their dark brown skin was at all related to their treading robustly. So my suggested revision is "but several elderly men with dark brown skin. They were thin, but treaded robustly."

This was an old custom, back in the days when people all throughout Mephius worshipped the Dragon God.

• Suggested change of "an old custom, back" to "an old custom from back".

At night, in the central hall within the inner palace where the remaining nobles and countries’ envoys were waiting, the eve of the founding festival celebration would take place.

• This sentence implies the "eve of the founding festival" is an event that can take place at a location. However, I believe "eve" is only a relative description of time. So it would need to be changed to something like "the party on the eve of the...", where "the party" is the actual event.

Simon was one leader amidst all the others. Who knew how long he could have been lurking behind Fedom.

• There's nothing wrong with the sentence themselves, however the feel out of place and I don't understand how they fit the surrounding context. That makes me think there could be something off about the translation, but it could also just be me not understanding.

The unexpected jab had, for a moment, left him short of a response.

• Suggested tense and structure change to "The unexpected jab left him momentarily short of a response."

But, with this, everyone would watch over the relationship between the charming prince and princess, and once this atmosphere develops, the people will follow suit.

• I wasn't sure about the exact meaning in this sentence, mainly who "everyone" is referring to, and what the "people" are following suit with. My guess was that "everyone" was the nobles, and that the "people" were the common citizens, who would follow suit with accepting the relationship. Though I can't really come up with a better version myself at the moment.

In this part of the cave supported by wood and iron rods, were several laid chairs, just enough to accommodate the group, centred around a crudely-built stone table.

• I didn't know what "laid chairs" were.

If a situation were to occur that would force these two alone, should he approach him deceivingly? Orba had no interest in finding out; he might even try to kill him, though, could a father even mistake his own son for an impostor?

• In the second sentence, the linking of the last two parts with "though" seemed strange to me. Also, I think the order of impostor and son should be switched to get the intended meaning. Suggested revision to "kill him. Could a father even mistake an impostor for his own son?"

The room got gone into an uproar since the beginning of Zaat’s interjection.

• Suggested revision to "The room went into an uproar after Zaat's interjection".

The way things are being done have not been according to our followed customs.

• Needs some tense matching at least. But I go a little further with my suggested revision of "The way things are being done is not following our customs."

The benevolent Dragon God shall certainly not bestow his judgment of anger on you, but will instead impose it on the emperor who acts as his representative, me.

• I was a little confused. If the Dragon God is going to punish the emperor, it seems like "his representative" would be better as "your representative " from a contextual sense. Or if the emperor was going to punish Zaat as the Dragon God's representative, then "will instead impose it on the emperor" should be changed to "will instead be imposed by the emperor".

Orba watched as the situation once again turned into an uproar, and the emperor’s face seethed a bright red, while never removing his gaze from Zaat Quark, whose face showed a ghastly blue.

• The current structure makes it seem like "the emperor's face" is what's "never removing his gaze", rather than the emperor himself. I also suggest making Orba's actions and the emperor's actions two separate sentences. So assuming it's the emperor, my suggested revision would be "... uproar. The emperor's face seethed a bright red and he kept his gaze on Zaat Quark"