Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume2 Chapter1

There was this...I guess you could call it a mockery of a comeback that I couldn't quite find the right words to translate. Zaat says this while drunk, 「最近の陛下は、何を言うにも突然すぎていけない」and after arresting Kaiser, the king says this back at him「何をするにも突然」. But since the translation modifies the word (i.e. suddenly -> sudden), I'm not quite sure how to emphasize his sarcastic response. I currently have it as "Suddenly passes over whatever he says when he shouldn't." and "I'm being sudden in what I'm doing." I guess I could emphasize it by italicizing sudden in the second one, but even then, I'm not sure the sarcasm would get through. Any suggestions? --Detalz (talk) 13:53, 27 July 2013 (CDT)

• The emperor here is being 'sudden' with his announcement laws. I suggest using 'without notice/warning' or 'unexpected' instead. And you don't have to worry about 突然 as it can be both used as an adjective and an adverb. In this case, the sentences would be something like:

"Recently, the emperor passes over anything he says without warning."; Retort: "I'm acting without notice"

or

"Recently, the emperor passes over anything he says unexpectedly." Retort: "I'm acting/doing things unexpectedly."

Nice work so far, btw. I'll probably be checking your and Xin's chapter's when they're further ahead. --Dohma (talk) 09:30, 29 July 2013 (CDT)

• Thanks Dohma, I hadn't thought of rewording it in that way. I went with the first suggestion. --Detalz (talk) 20:54, 29 July 2013 (CDT)

These are some phrases I had a little difficulty with in Part 2, for one reason or another. --Detalz (talk) 01:08, 9 August 2013 (CDT)

ギルはむすっとしたままにこりともしない "Gil kept a frowning expression"

• I'm actually not too sure of this one. I tried looking up the definition of the idiom, and got "unsmiling". Didn't help much, so I broke it up, and found it means something similar to "uncaring", so the literal translation was "Gil didn't care if he kept frowning." Is the above translation too liberal?

• むすっと means 'stern' or 'serious', as in a serious look. He doesn't necessarily frown, but doesn't laugh along with the joke. The sentence is a little strange though. It looks to me as if it says "Gil didn't smile (and) had a stern expression." --Dohma (talk) 10:47, 11 August 2013 (CDT)

• Hmm, I'll change it to "kept a stern expression" for now. A little later in the text, it does mention how he "dons a scowl filled with displeasure, Orba carefully paid attention to their conversation." I figure this is the expression he wanted to keep up the entire time, so maybe "kept an expression of displeasure" might be more appropriate? --Detalz (talk) 13:04, 12 August 2013 (CDT)

やがて、ソロン中心部にそびえ立つ『黒の剣』を左手に見下ろす、雷が丘の中腹辺り、ローグ・サイアンの邸宅に辿り着いた。

• I have no clue why they raw text says 『黒の剣』. Is it a typo? Or some kind of parody I'm not getting. I'm going to assume it meant『黒の塔』and go with that for now. The sentence just doesn't make sense if it's not.

• Black sword is correct. The tower is known as the 'Black Sword' or more extensively the ‘Forged Sword that cut through the Space Immigrant Ship’s bow’ (Vol.1 Ch.2 Part 3). --Dohma (talk) 10:47, 11 August 2013 (CDT)

• Ohh I completely forgot about that. Thanks. I went back to check, and it definitely did have a nickname. [宇宙移民船の舳先をへし折ってつくられた剣]. But regarding this name, doesn't it mean "The Sword forged from the remains of a Space Immigrant Ship's bow"? --Detalz (talk) 19:22, 11 August 2013 (CDT)

• Actually, you're right. I'm going to change that now. -_-;; --Dohma (talk) 12:16, 12 August 2013 (CDT)

About dragon ship - I usually translate this as dragonstone ship instead, because the term 'dragonstone' 竜石 is a made-up word by the author. --Dohma (talk) 12:32, 12 August 2013 (CDT)

• I did it because "Winged Dragon Officers" manage them. Hence, i did it for the correlation to the title rather than for direct translation. I think the Japanese focuses more on giving an 'understanding' of objects through naming, while in English, it's always done for the appeal. It can always be changed. --Detalz (talk) 12:38, 12 August 2013 (CDT)

いいおべべ着てんな "Those are some nice clothes you're wearing" --Detalz (talk) 14:39, 20 August 2013 (CDT)

• Forgot about this one. べべ is a derogatory remark used on people wearing fanciful clothing. Would 'rags' or 'garbs' or some other term be more appropriate?

• Rags or drags works as well. But garb seems a bit tame for an insult. --Hiro Hayase (talk) 16:38, 20 August 2013 (CDT)

• It's not necessarily insulting as in 'rags' in this case. It's more condescending/sarcastic because he knows she's a noble, so actually a tamer word will suffice. I think just the word 'clothes' (or maybe 'duds', 'threads'?) fits best in this sentence, but as he also speaks a bit plebeian/ruffian-like so maybe "That's some nice clothes you're wearing"? or "That's some nice clothes yer wearin'" although the latter might be a bit too much. --Dohma (talk) 03:39, 21 August 2013 (CDT)
• "That's some nice garbs yer wearin'" that could work. Since garbs mean a distinct type of clothing, so clothing fit for a noble in this case. If we can't find a good word for it, then we could make the dialogue by the thieves more rough sounding and add a comma and another word that denotes the derogatory sense to here. For instance: "That's some nice clothes yer wearin, missy." --Hiro Hayase (talk) 08:14, 21 August 2013 (CDT)

• Went with "Those are some nice garbs yer wearin'." and accomodated the following sentence. Felt 'garbs' better portrayed べべ than 'clothes' does. Thanks you two. --Detalz (talk) 10:22, 21 August 2013 (CDT)

Winged Dragon final verdict?

About 翼竜, I went with 'winged dragon' at first, but coming across page 253 of Vol. 1 (Chapter 6), third line, I noticed the author stylized it as ワイバーン 'wyvern', so let's go with that. And about 'winged dragon officer', maybe 'wyvern commander' sounds better than 'wyvern officer'? I'm not entirely sure how all of these ranks work... but you were right about it referring to type of ship; as can be seen on this page as well, they're modeled after wyverns. --Dohma (talk) 09:12, 23 August 2013 (CDT)

• I think it's still a bit too early to decide on a final verdict. For now, it is clear that a Winged Dragon 'Officer' certainly ranks above that of an officer, and should at least be regarded as a 'Fleet Commander' or 'Commander' in title. If the author had wanted Winged Dragon Commanders to be regarded as Wyvern Commanders, I'm sure he would've taken the time to add the furigana to the title when it was first mentioned. Most likely, and this is just conjecture, amongst the common wyvern-type dragonstone ships, there are several more 'specialized' ones, that might focus on firepower/mobility, or other features, whose management is also under that of a WDC. 'Aerial Dragon Commander' might be a title closer to describing their role. For now, I think we should go with either "Winged Dragon Commander" or "Aerial Dragon Commander." --Detalz (talk) 10:54, 24 August 2013 (CDT)

Suggested sentences for revision

I'm using a similar style and threshold of editing and revision suggestions as I did when reading Dohma's chapters. Let me know if you'd prefer I do things differently for future editing on your chapters. I also plan to read and edit the remaining two parts of this chapter when I get the chance. Thanks for your translations. --Cthaeh (talk) 20:06, 29 September 2013 (CDT)

Part 1

The amount of gold and people required made it far from being precedent.

• I think precedent should be replaced with something like prudent.

But, five days later, Kaiser had heard through one of his evening parties that the king's political measures had been formally reproached.

• The meaning of this line didn't make sense to me contextually. It sounds like Kaiser found out at his party that the king's measures were reproached. But wasn't Kaiser the one who was reproaching the king's measures? Or was there additional formal criticism/protest?

Emperor Guhl Mephius would once more put his plan of strengthening his own authority into action, and after earning the hostility of his surroundings, was when Fedom would put his own plan into practice, and the testimony of that day drew closer.

• I think some of the subject-verb pairings don't quite match up as intended. My suggested change to fix that would be the following. Also, I'm not entirely sure of the intended meaning of "and the testimony of that day drew closer".

- Emperor Guhl Mephius would once more put his plan of strengthening his own authority into action, and in the process earn the hostility of his surroundings. That was when Fedom would put his own plan into practice, and the testimony of that day drew closer.

It was a large ambition.

• Suggested change to "It was an ambitious plan."

He also held the title as a member of the Founding Imperial Council ...

• The phrasing of "the title as a member" seems a little off to me. Suggested change to "a position as a member". Though there might some other alternatives if you changed the structure or word choice of the rest of the sentence as well.

For this reason, we are to spread idle chatter of this his intentions with this 'joke', which will instead become truth.

• The main change would be deleting the "this" in "this his". It's a small change, but I wasn't perfectly confident on the intent of the rest of the sentence to do it myself.

"That aside, what about you? If you occasionally keep checking on the current situation, you won't make a speck of progress. You don't have all the time in the world. Dinn, how do you explain this sorry state?"

• I feel like "occasionally" and "keep" are contradictory descriptions. From context I think you could delete occasionally and just have keep. Also, I was a little confused by the context of who is saying this line. I thought this was Fedom's line, but then I was confused by what it means that Orba ("you") was wasting time by "checking on the current situation".

Dinn said as he placed down a full remaining cup of tea.

• Not sure what "remaining" means there. Suggest deleting that word.

For this one month, Fedom had confined Orba within the prince's room. Under the pretext that the mental strain from his first campaign and reality of the circumstances over the several days had caused his physical condition to crumble, he was not allowed to participate in official business and was prohibited from having personal meetings with the large number of people who sought to get closer to him. During this time, he devoted himself to Orba's education in making him more prince-like, no matter how little, as part of his plan.

• I think the middle sentence is a bit too long and convoluted. I'm not sure that I grasp the intended structure and meaning, so I can't propose an alternative. One aspect that confused me was it says "circumstances over the several days", but the first sentence says it has been "one month". So that seemed like a discrepancy to me. It's a lesser issue, but you could also replace some of the pronouns (he/his) with the names, since it's a little confusing that the subjects in each sentence flip back and forth (Fedom -> he (Orba) -> he (Fedom)).

"On that matter, I have complete faith in you. If that is of your opinion."

• Suggested change of last part to "If that is your opinion."

Theresia immediately began selecting clothes that would falter the soon-to-be husband.

• Suggested change of "falter" to "sway" (or entrance).