Talk:Tasogare-iro no Uta Tsukai:Volume1 Final Play

Mistake! Mistake! Don't look yet! I am still fixing the stylings and adding furigana and whatnot! Sorry! (I hit Alt+S by mistake) Catahn (talk) 19:05, 3 December 2012 (CST)

Ok now (Except for the last page and a half) part 1 is up. I screwed up and emailed myself an older copy of the jce file so I don't have the translations for the last page and a half. And I don't feel like re-translating them again. So it'll be up in a couple of hours. Catahn (talk) 19:55, 3 December 2012 (CST)

Thanks for the translation. Its very rough in places, but a good editor should be able to fix things up. --Bilagaana (talk) 12:10, 4 December 2012 (CST)

Feel free to mention which places are rough. I like feedback and need it to improve. Believe me, you cannot possibly hurt my feelings so the more feedback the better. Suggestions also help me improve so feel free to suggest alternative ways of saying things. Catahn (talk) 12:37, 4 December 2012 (CST)

The whole first section just feels disjointed and rough to me. Can't really comment because I'm bad at English, even though I'm a native speaker. Anyways, will see if I can come up with something:

One-B。Take Refuge in our Classroom and hold your breath, then Serges come over and stealthily whisper in my ear.

I can't find any chimera. Open the closed curtains just a little bit. She was peaking out from over there.

That first sentence almost seems like a run-on. The part about Serges looking outside, think it might be better phrased as: She was peaking out from the slightly open curtains. Or something like that. Also quite a few tense errors, is it supposed to be in past or present tense? --Bilagaana (talk) 15:19, 4 December 2012 (CST)

The text jumps seemingly arbitrarily between first- and third-person narration and present and past tense. The translation of earlier chapters used consistently third-person narration and past tense; unless this chapter is somehow different in the source material I assume this should be the same.

• One-B。Take Refuge in our Classroom and hold your breath, then Serges come over and stealthily whisper in my ear. I can't find any chimera. Open the closed curtains just a little bit. She was peaking out from over there.

What's that "One-B。"? Typo? "Take Refuge in our Classroom and hold your breath" this is phrased as a command, but there's nobody giving one. Also why the capitalization of "Refuge" and "Classroom"? Overall this doesn't flow naturally at all, which suggests there is something wrong. Why the sudden "can't find any chimera"? Should the last "she" perhaps be the same person as the earlier "I"? If not, who is it? The only other person mentioned earlier was "Serges", but the last mention said she came over to whisper; now saying that she already "was peeking" (typo "peaking") would sound weird. Or was the peeking earlier, before she came over to whisper?

• I wasn't too worried until you pointed out that it is too big.

"You" should be replaced by something else, like "she".

• I much prefer that gate's radiance, it suddenly burst open.

"prefer"? To what?

• Exhausted, Mio leaned against the railing on the rooftop.

Is the "I" in the following sentences also Mio?

• Kluelu

This spelling is used in 10 places, "Kluele" in 4; previous chapters use the latter.

• Are you sure you'd like to ask about that? You'll be perplexed before long, Kluelu your body is so light.

Is this what someone/something says? No quotation marks though; it's not clear how to read it.

• I held onto Arma's name

Name?

• 『Your ears are closed. I've got things to do』

Should that "Your ears are closed" perhaps be a command like "Cover your ears"?

• I can't plug up something like my ears

"Something like my ears" doesn't make much sense; "no way to cover my ears" or something like that perhaps?

• If only that story was rolling anywhere in the world. But humans generally receive that in that place, my daughter hated that fate.

What story? "that in that place"? Anonymous User

Awesome. I'll take a look and make some adjustments somewhat soon(if no one else beats me to it anyhow).

The 1-B confuses me as well but that's literally what was written. Maybe it should just be removed? The text says "一ーB。自分" Except realize it is written top to bottom so it looks like 一
|
B
。

If anyone else has a suggestion regarding this then I'm willing to take it.

Also thanks for the info on the past tense third person. The tense jumping and person jumping is likely due to my immaturity with the english language and the Japanese. Catahn (talk) 16:02, 4 December 2012 (CST)

Is it me or something is a bit wrong with the second sentence. Zeru (talk) 16:17, 4 December 2012 (CST)

"1-B" would probably be classroom name; according to chapter 1 Ada is in that class. [anon]

So everything is still quite good, just a few minor grammar edits. Zeru (talk) 16:38, 4 December 2012 (CST)

• One-B。
  

Changed this to "Classroom 1-B:" above the sentence. Can anyone else think of a better way to represent this?

• Capitalized Refuge and Classroom were made lower case.
  

This is just my weird typing habit. Probably comes from being a programmer.

Still not sure how to put the Chimera sentence and the girl outside sentence in there better. I did change it to perhaps more accurately reflect the Japanese. And yes there was a sentence about not finding Chimera right there in the middle.

• I wasn't too worried until you pointed out that it is too big.

Replaced it with He

• I much prefer that gate's radiance, it suddenly burst open.

Great question, and I have no clue. その門が輝きを増し、突如弾けた。 増し 【まし】 (adj-na,n,n-suf) extra, additional, less objectionable, better, preferable, (P)

I'm changing this to additional / extra concept but making it the verb 増す【ます】(v5s,vi) to increase, to grow, (P). As such I've changed the sentence to The gate's radiance increased and suddenly burst open. which makes more sense to me in English than putting a comma in the sentence.

• Exhausted, Mio leaned against the railing on the rooftop.

Is the "I" in the following sentences also Mio?<anon>
Yes. Is there a better way to put that?

• Kluelu

This spelling is used in 10 places, "Kluele" in 4; previous chapters use the latter. <anon>
Doh! You are absolutely right. I failed to check the wiki.

I am out of time though so I will fix that when I get back.
Catahn (talk) 17:00, 4 December 2012 (CST)

Just making the first few sentences make a bit more sense.Zeru (talk) 21:13, 4 December 2012 (CST)

Thank you all! It is starting to look like a decent chapter.

And awesome job Zeru. What you wrote makes a lot more sense than what I put down. Catahn (talk) 08:30, 5 December 2012 (CST)

Tense is still an issue --Bilagaana (talk) 14:53, 5 December 2012 (CST)

Whenever Evhe talks, should it be in 『』? --Bilagaana (talk) 01:46, 24 February 2013 (CST)

Evhe only talks in 『』 brackets during her first few lines, right after she's called out. For the rest of the time, she talks in normal 「」 brackets, the same as everyone else. Only Arma continuously talks with 『』. --Mystrael (talk) 05:06, 24 February 2013 (CST)

A few minor edits (a hundred/one hundred, fourty/forty) and one you might want to check:
“……I’m never accompanying you on flying practices again.” to “……I’ll never accompany you on flying practice again.”
Could have just removed the 's' from 'practices' but i think this reads more smoothly with no change to the meaning. Cres (talk) 06:29, 20 August 2013 (CDT)