Talk:Rakuin no Monshou:Volume1 Chapter4
Splendid work at 4 percent! -(talk)
Cleaned this page up a bit; removed resolved issues. --Dohma (talk) 06:51, 31 May 2013 (CDT)
In "What… a lie?" A suggest would be to change it to "What...is a lie?", since in the raw it says （何が、嘘、だ).
- I find Orba's entire comment puzzling, because he knows he's lying, so what is he surprised about? I assume he's surprised about the fact she accused him for a liar. So I translated into something like : "What? A lie?". Your translation is indeed closer to the original, but it makes me wonder what Orba means by it.
- I think what Orba means is that he is surprised by Vileena calling him out on lying, since they were unfamiliar, and also of high rank, and probably shouldn't be using casual language.
"During that staggering time, a dense cloud of dust swelled up on the other side of the arena." "Staggering time" sounds really awkward here; I know that in the raw it says よろめいたその間, so I'm not sure what suggestions that I can make other than that it sounds awkward.
- From what I get it's supposed to either mean: "during that lapse in time" or "during the time (where he was) staggering" due to the tremors, I translated it a bit more literally because I can't quite figure out which one it's supposed to be.
”The moment he removed his aim”, about this part, 狙いの外したその瞬間, its rather hard to translate. Perhaps the soldier stopped aiming at the dragon?
- 狙いの外した can also mean he missed the mark, so I'm not quite sure if he took a shot and missed or if he stopped aiming, so I translated it literally.
- I see. It's good then, since I'm not really sure what is being said there as well.
Sorry about that mountain of suggestions! Really nice translation as normal, keep up the great work! Also, my bad on the changing the "wilfully" part (both the first and the second time), didn't know that the British English had a different version, and don't know what happened the second time (I think I had the page open before you edited it, and didn't save until afterwards). --Kiydon.
- No problem, thanks for checking the text. --C (talk) 06:00, 19 May 2013 (CDT)
A very fluent read at 45 percent. I will keep checking but I didn't notice any obvious errors. Thanks again for your hard work - (talk)
....but now you seem to smile, thinking of something pleasant.
"thinking of something pleasant" seems awkward in the context. What is suppose to be said here in this area.
Going through the newer section; found a few minor mistakes that I'll fix, and a few suggestions as well.
"She was unable to say a word, as it became a lump of saliva caught in her throat." I suggest changing it to "She was unable to say a word, as a lump of saliva was caught in her throat", to fix various issues.
- The impression I got from the original phrasing was that it was an intentional figurative expression that the "word... became a lump of saliva," which is lost in the above proposed change. If that expression was intentional, then my a bit more liberal suggestion to include it is "Her words caught (or maybe 'stuck') in her throat as a lump of saliva, and she was unable to say a thing." --Cthaeh (talk) 18:19, 1 June 2013 (CDT)
"Also inform Gowen to let anyone who can stand in arms cooperate." I think that something along the lines of "Also inform Gowen to let anyone who can fight assist us" would be a better translation for (ゴーウィンにも伝えて、何人か腕の立つ者に協力させろ）, as though the current one is an accurate translation, it doesn't make much sense in English.
"While making sure to guard his back...", I think what is meant here is that Orba is taking care not to expose his back too much, rather than guarding his back, since he's hiding from the sniper.
"'We don’t know either. But it’s going well.'" is a good translation of わからんよ、おれたちにも。だが、都合はいいな, so it's fine.
"With the thought that Vileena was in the hidden passage all alone, it was likely that the soldiers who had guided Orba here were involved with the dragon rampage and the sniping at Prince Gil". I feel that "at Prince Gil" is unnecessary here, and just makes the sentence more awkward.
Good job translating once again, as this section was a pretty smooth read! --Kiydon
Bringing up this recent change for a little review: I think that both are correct grammatically. I would say the meaning implied by the original phrasing of "rolled over the ground and ..." is that the motion of rolling was done to travel distance. The new phrasing of "rolled over on the ground" changes the focus of the statement to the change in orientation (face-down to face-up), and somewhat implies it was a single roll. Since that motion is followed by "snatched a gun," I would have guessed that the intended focus was on the getting from one place to the other; and if that's the case, the most appropriate version might depend on the number of rolls, but I would have favored the original phrasing at first glance. I have no idea about the original, just bringing it up for a second look. (sigh, that's a lot of words for just two letters...) --Cthaeh (talk) 18:19, 1 June 2013 (CDT)
- Rolled over the ground implies that Vileena is rolling over "the ground", since, which I highly doubt she has the ability to do so. Rolled over "on" the ground would mean that she is the one rolling, not the ground. The lack of a preposition changes the meaning of the phrase. I'm not sure if I explained that right, though. --Kiydon
- -I think I see where you're coming from now, but I still think the original wording is valid and may be more appropriate depending on the intended meaning. I hadn't considered it, but from what I understand you have parsed the sentence as [Vileena] [nimbly] [rolled over] (on) [the ground]. The intuitive interpretation for me was [Vileena] [nimbly] [rolled] [over the ground], where "over" was part of the description of where Vileena was doing the rolling instead of being paired with the verb. At this point I think it's merely a difference in perspective and probably doesn't warrant additional discussion (if it even warranted my starting the discussion to begin with). --Cthaeh (talk) 23:58, 1 June 2013 (CDT)
